Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManacledManateeMasticatingManicottiMonday,
September Fifteenst, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Ross who turns twenty-four
today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Happy Birthday also to Walter who also turns
twenty-four today, somewhere in MaryLand.
Happy Birthday also to OurPatrickWhoArtInGreaterBostonia,
who also turns twenty-four today. In
Greater Bostonia. But then, We’re guessing you had figgered that out.
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Gene,
and Joe, and Melanie, and Michael, each of whom turned twenty-four somewhere or
another this past weekend. (It should further be noted that the aforementioned
Michael has won The Most Beautiful Smile On The WorldWideInterWebNetz Award, so
the rest of you can just stop trying.
(You’re welcome.))
*****************************************************
In other news, We went, as We said We were
doing, to see OurSistahOvella in her production of Bent in some basement in Old City somewhere, and
now YouPeople must snatch (heh…We said “snatch”) up every remaining ticket for
the four performances she has left (Thursday, Friday, and two on Saturday…get ‘em
here: http://fringearts.com/event/bent-7/
).
She, of course, was flawless (she IS OurSistah,
after all), and there is the extra added attraction of hearing her sing a song
written expressly for her.
The rest of the cast was, first of all,
perfectly cast, and doing some very fine work in the very intimate space.
(Seriously…a basement. In
three-quarters-round. There is blood on
Our shoe, and it is entirely possible that We were impregnated during a scene
change. (The venue actually works really, really well for the piece…We cannot
imagine what ELSE it would work well for, with the possible exception of a
really creepy Halloween party, but for BENT it really works.))
You will be told, at the door, when you go
(because you’re GOING, riiiight?), that the show contains naked cigarettes, or
some such. (For some reason, they have to mention the naked cigarettes, but not
the blood.) As Freud said, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, omigod, DICK!”
Speaking
of things of which We have Our finger on the pulse, in Our never-ending efforts
to be The Most Politically Correct E-Pisstler In All Of E-Pisstledom, We must
ask Our Gentle Readers if you think it is politically correct for Us to mention
how HAWTT the Nazis were? Because, seriously,
those were some hawtt Nazis. (Also
scary. Because, ya know, Nazis.)
Kudos
to the three gentlemen playing the leads, who created an entire universe amidst
the minimalism, and especially to Tom Trudgeon as Max, who brilliantly
negotiated the fine line of the tightrope between unenlightenedness and
unlikeability (are either of those even words?
Oh, well…We know what We mean. (If Helen Keller falls down in a forest,
is there sound?))
We
cannot wait to see what Truth Be Told Productions gets up to next. (Hopefully, somewhere with comfier chairs. (Our
ass is still in recovery this morning.
(Not that it is Our intention to have you thinking about Our ass.)))
You’re
thinking about Our ass now, aren’t you?
Cheeky
monkey.
So get your head out of Our ass and go order
your BENT
tickets: http://fringearts.com/event/bent-7/
.**************************************
In other Fringe news, The
WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed!
was
SOLD OUT (and very well-received) this
past Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights, so if you want to curry favor with Us
by showing up (because mmmm….curried
favor) get your tickets now and/or quick, fast and in a hurry: http://fringearts.com/event/the-waitstaff-sht-the-bed-10/
The show continues Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday at 8 at L’Etage, and, if you
perchance lay your hands upon tickets for Friday, you will encounter the extra
added attraction of Us Our Own Self Personally working box office. Because We’re multitalented like that.
*****************
Speaking of lemurs on Uranus,
(howZZAT for a segue?), here is a
flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one with the naked angel:
In other other news, We have
Our schedule at the Murder Mystery Factory for September. We will next be performing on Friday,
September 26. If you are interested in
seeing Us perform in same, holla at Us.
(For those naked skimmers who may not be aware, We have been promoted to
A Position Of Power at the Factory, and so will be performing somewhat less.)
And
heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
Speaking of future ex-husbands of Ours who
occasionally dress up as Nazis, in celebrity birthday news, it is Prince Harry’s
birthday, so We are taking the rest of the day off (although Our invitation to
the festivities at Buckingham Palace appears to have gone missing in the post).
Aries
You'll have yet another disastrous first date when you get
something stuck between your front teeth and a crosstown bus.
Taurus
The reality turns out to be okay, but when you heard the
phrase "taco truck," you pictured a giant taco that was also a truck.
Gemini
While it's true that someone in Baltimore loves you, this
is less a reason for a jaunty T-shirt than a cause for genuine concern.
Cancer
The stars hear your unasked question, and the answer you
seek is: "If they keep losing their opener to the Pirates, way more than 103
years."
Leo
You'll be spared a potential source of great conflict and
divisiveness in your life this week when it's born dead.
Virgo
Don't worry: There is nothing wrong with you that emergency
brain surgery and a quadruple bypass within the next 90 minutes won't solve.
Libra
Your lips are red and chapped because you keep licking
them. To balance this out, lick yourself raw everywhere else.
Scorpio
Next week will call for many, many pairs of leather pants,
which would be fine with you if they didn't have to be the kind of pants with
asses in them.
Sagittarius
The sudden spike in the salmon population is no surprise to
anyone who knows the real reason you like swimming so much.
Capricorn
You'll soon be feeling like your old self again thanks to a
sudden and tragic relapse into alcoholism.
Aquarius
A regular routine can provide much-needed structure, but
you might be better off if you didn't start every day with a guy trying to saw
your head off.
Pisces
It's probably best if you just put your head down and keep
sharpening pencils for the next few years.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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