Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, September
TwennyFourst, 2014.
We have just had Ourself a frosted brownie
for breakfast. Because We are a
grown-up, and We have that power. As We
mentioned, We had a friend for dinner Monday, and consequently have leftover
frosted brownies, amongst other things, to eat for the rest of the week.
(Please note that, when We say We “had a
friend for dinner”, We do NOT mean that We ate him. (Also, “frosted brownie” is not a euphemism
for anything. (Although, now that Our
attention has been drawn to it, it certainly should be.)))
Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Lurie, who
turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia.
Happy Birthday also to M Uppet, who turns
twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy
Birthday also too to Mike, who also too turns twenty-four today, also too right
here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
Yesterday, in anticipation of his birthday,
Mike made a SitOnMyFaceBook request that, in lieu of (or in addition to…We don’t
recall the exact wording, and can’t be arsed to go and check) birthday wishes,
his friends should contact their senators and/or representatives, or other
random congresspersons, about some issue of importance to them. Unfortunately, as We are not an American
citizen, this avenue is not open to Us.
Being Britlandish, it occurred to Us that We might contact the Royal
Family, until We remembered the restraining order they had drawn up against Us
after what they insist on referring to as the “Prince Harry’s Pants Incident”.
In the end, We smoked a Parliament and called
it a day.
In other news, leapin’ lemurs, it’s
Libra! And not a moment too soon…Virgo
was truly wearing Us right the hell out. Is it just Us, or does Uranus always
feel out-of-sorts for you during Virgo too?
Also, for the entire month of Virgo, it always feels as though someone
is snooping through Our underwear drawer.
And telling people what they find there.
And NOT in a good way.
At any rate, Our Libra video is above, and
here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ
We had a focus group last night. Ninety minutes of Us being focused. Will wonders never cease? In addition to the hundred dollar fee (note:
more than a dollar minute. Are We a
high-class hooker or what? (Who said, “Or
what”?)), We found nineteen cents in various gutters on Our way there and back.
****************************************
In random news from the WorldWideInterWebNetz:
English is confusing because "booty
call" and "butt dial" mean very different things.
Also:
Condom
= “cumbrella”
*****************************************************
And
heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, it would seem
relevant to the aforementioned M Uppet’s interests that today is Jim Henson’s
birthday.
Today is
all about other people (Wait…there are other people?!?)
— so keep
your eyes open for good deeds you can do. (Well, if
you’re really nice to Us, We could give you a “frosted brownie”. (That is so TOTALLY a euphemism!))
Karma is
yours for the taking if you want it. (Isn’t the
point of karma that you don’t have a choice?
AssHatt.)
You should
find it handy in a few weeks when fortune calls. (We trust that, by “fortune”, you mean “more than nineteen
cents”.)
Making a
good first impression is extremely important right now. (And yet, isn’t it the last
impression that people actually remember?)
Be sure to
wear your best corporate clothing if you want to get that new account or
promotion. (“Corporate clothing”? Have you MET Us?)
You’ll be
doubly impressive when you get around to showing off your brainpower, but you
have to get your foot in the door first. (And that
doesn’t even begin to consider all of Our other body parts BETWEEN Our brain
and Our foot. (Did We mention that We’d
frost your brownies?))
Stay
amongst friends for now. (Because with friends like these,
who needs enemas?)
You’ll find
interesting possibilities in groups. (Indeed. We shall move on from “frosting your brownies”
to “frosting your layer cake”.)
Keep your
eyes open. (Not to mention Uranus.)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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