Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, September Turdiest, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Patrick, who turns
twenty-four today. In, We are told Colorado. Where, on the plus side, marijuana
is legal. On the minus side, it snows in
July.
Colorado, for those of you who are
geographically challenged (as We are), is an enormous square state somewhere
out west that looks, on a map, exactly like Wyoming. Distinguishing Colorado
from Wyoming is made even more difficult by their underhanded practice of
trading places every seven years.
(We were going to make a joke about Mormons here,
but then We realized that’s Utah, not Wyoming. Utah can be distinguished from
Colorado and Wyoming, because, although square-ish, it has a notch in the
top. And is full of people wearing Magic
Underwear. (Nevada, on the other hand, has a V on the bottom. And Las Vegas.))
Lest you imagine that We are somehow
prejudiced against western states, we can’t tell Vermont from New Hampshire,
neither.
(We just had to go back and edit, as We
noticed that We had capitalized “Underwear” but not “magic” in “Magic Underwear”.
(Note to Self: develop WorldWideInterWebNetzian game entitled “Magic Underwear:
The Gathering”. Get help. (Sean?)))
Happy Birthday also to Jaysen, who also turns
twenty-four today. In North Carolina.
Kill Devil Hills, to be precise. (Thorough Gentle Readers (i.e.
non-naked-skimmers) will recall that,
just a few days ago, We wished a Happy Twenty-Fourth Birthday to Skye, also
from Kill Devil Hills. Surely you don’t imagine that We coincidentally know two
people who live in Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina? They are, in fact, espoused.)
(If you have seen Our live show, LOOKING
FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, you know that We
address therein the concept of two people of the same sign being in a
relationship. Upon reflection, We must
amend Our position to say that, if you are going to have a same-sign
relationship, two Libras is about the best way to go.
(If you have NOT seen LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina
Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour (or even if you have), why are you not
clamoring for it to appear at A Theater Near You? (Do you have a defective
clamorer?)))
(Our artsy-fartsy Gentle Readers will no
doubt already be aware, but, for the rest of you, The Defective Clamorer is actually an infrequently-produced Moliere
play. It was originally banned in France after its first performance, due to
its graphic depictions of little-known sexual positions involving shellfish.)
(Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!: The More You Know.)
All of that, and Our mind is still stuck on “espoused”,
and the possibility of parsing it as “e-spoused”, meaning, One imagines, “married
on the InterNetz”.
Also, We really really REALLY wanna play “Magic
Underwear: The Gathering”.
Also also, in other news, apropos
of absolutely nothing, this just in from Twatter:
Hey you're cute; I’m ugly. Opposites attract. You have to
date me. Sorry; I don’t make the rules.
Also:
If you think about it, there are more nipples
in the world than people.
Also also lhasa apsos from Oslo, dear
SitOnOurFaceBook: We have, at last
count, 995 “friends”. Many of whom We
have never actually met. So We can
pretty much guarantee you that “People We May Know” do NOT include those with
whom We share only one or two “mutual friends”.
Your stupidz are showing. KThxBye.
In other other other news, leapin’ lemurs,
it’s Libra! And not a moment too
soon…Virgo was truly wearing Us right the hell out. Is it just Us, or does
Uranus always feel out-of-sorts for you during Virgo too? Also, for the entire month of Virgo, it
always feels as though someone is snooping through Our underwear drawer. And telling people what they find there. And NOT in a good way.
At any rate, Our Libra video is above, and
here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ
****************************************
And
heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, Our celebrity birthday
website informs Us that it is the birthday of someone called “Zach Dorsey”. His claim to fame? “Other”.
Please explain to Us why We are not famous
yet.
It’s time
for you to take serious action (As opposed to all of the frivolous
action to date?)
— though
you may not be totally sure what you need to do next. (Oh, good! Random
serious action…no chance of dire consequences THERE.)
Your
ability to improvise is heightened, (We HATE
improv…can’t We just make it up as We go along?)
and you
should be just fine in the end. (If you’ve seen Our end recently, it
is anything but(t) fine.)
(Heh…see
what We did there?)
That new,
interesting person you’ve been told to expect along shortly? How does today
sound? (Never mind “today”…how “shortly”
is he?)
Now, for
the preparations: (H?)
(It’s suBtle…wait
for it…THERE ya go!)
First, drag
everything you haven’t worn in forever out of your closet (Heh. Kelli said “drag”. And “closet”.)
— because
you haven’t been in the mood to wear something ‘different’ — and choose
something. (Something different, you mean?)
You’re
fishing for interesting, right? (Yeah. Because imagine Us…fishing.)
It’s not
like you’re not brave enough to pull it off — that’s for sure. (Make up your mind, AssHatt…are We going on a date, or are
We “pulling it off”? ‘Cause if We’re
pulling it off, We don’t need to dress up.)
Next, last
and most important: Be prepared for a ‘coincidental’ meeting. (Isn’t that
like “plan to be spontaneous”?)
Explore
your surroundings and you just might stumble on an action-packed romance. (And here We were fairly certain that We were the only one
in the house just now…)
Is your new
honey part of your urban spelunking group, (What are
the odds? On the other hand, if We join
an urban spelunking group, and DON’T get a date out of it, We’ll be wanting Our
money back.)
or could
your soul mate be waiting for you on a cruise ship to the Galapagos? (He could indeed be.
He will be waiting for quite some time if he is, but he could indeed
be.)
Get out
there and find out! (Don’t tell Us what to do!)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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