Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! for Turdsday, March Fifst, 2015.
We literally cannot even with this weather.
We were supposed to go to the theatre tonight. It’s the only night We have to see Rocky Horror at Brainspunk (which see: http://www.brainspunktheater.com/#!tickets/c9a0
), and they have cancelled it.
In other news, Happy
Birthday to Rene, and Steve, and Tom, each of whom turns twenty-four today right
here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Happy Birthday also to Erik,
and Floyd, and Mary Ann, each of whom also turns twenty-four today, albeit
elsewhere.
(Izzit just Us, or is “Albeit
Elsewhere” a really bad drag name?)
Happy Belated Birthday,
meanwhile, to Geremy, and Gregory, and Liesel, and Matt, and their respective
birthday suits, each of whom turned twenty-four somewhere on the planet prior
to today and après Our last e-pisstle.
We should point out
that today’s Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Beautiful Doll,
Jus Great Big Beautiful Doll (sorry) is, for a change, a pixture taken by Us
Our Own Self Personally, of a belated Christmas gift We recently received. You, of course, are pee-green with envy that
We have the sort of friends who concern themselves with the freshness of Our
balls, Our balls being, obviously, long past their expiration date. In fact, We last aired out Our balls in
January, but We did not relate that story here, as We are A Lady, and A Lady
does not air out her balls and tell.
In other news, here is
a SitOnOurFaceBook notice that We posted yesterday regarding the Murder Mystery
Factory:
Dear SitOnMyFaceBook friends:
There are only two more
opportunities to see me play soap opera star Constance Bain in "I'd Kill
for an Emmy" at the Bistro
Romano. (The show (which I wrote...did I mention that?) closes March
14.) I will be appearing in the show this Friday, March 6 and closing night,
which is already sold out.
I am able to offer you tickets
for the Friday, March 6 show (and four-course dinner) for $20 per person
(beverages and gratuity not included). Cocktails and
hors d'oeuvres begin in the lounge at 7, seating in the dining room begins at
7:30, and the show starts at 8.
Get at me on my Face(Book) or
by text (if we're Real World friends) if you want to come.
(I have to put the reservation
in to get you the discount (tix are ordinarily $50)).
Because, in the words of a fan:
"Constance Bain is my
hero!!!" Eric
Davis
In addition to the
information therein, We should also like to point out that “Constance Bain is my hero!!!” is an actual unsolicited comment from a
comment card at the Murder Mystery factory, and that Eric Davis, who made said
comment, is an actual real live person whom We know neither personally nor
biblically. (Although We are now FaceBook friends, and We are
fairly certain that, based on his pixtures thereon, his balls are much fresher
than Ours.)
Meanwhile, in news
completely (or at least nearly-completely) unrelated to balls and the freshness
thereof, We are directing the classic
comedy She Stoops to Conquer (clearly, someone has taken leave of their
senses), which will open in April at the historic Powel House. Here is an article about the Powel House: http://phindie.com/the-powel-house-utilizing-historic-philalandmarks-as-venues-for-the-arts/ and here is where you can neglect to buy
tickets for the show, which does NOT run for an entire year: https://philalandmarks.givezooks.com/events/mechanical-theatre-presents-she-stoops-to-conquer
“Here is the link with which you may share
Our Pisces video with both of your friends:
http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8
”
(That never
happens.)
And here, because
We missed his birthday the other day (he’s 21 now), is Our earlier Pisces video
with Justin Bieber:
Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling
e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001? And that the earliest dead-tree archival
records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee)
here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html
?
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
****************************************
In celebrity birthday
news , as if all of this excitement weren’t enough already, Our celebrity
birthday website informs Us that today is Sterling Knight’s birthday. We have no idea who Sterling Knight is, or
why Sterling Knight is a celebrity (other than having the best cross between a
soap opera character name/porn star name that We have ever heard, but We Googled
up some pixtures of him on Wikipedia, and would totally eat birthday cake off
of his birthday suit. If you know what
We mean. And We think you do.
Aries
Unfortunately for your personal philosophy, it
turns out the free market has yet to come up with a truly effective way to just
go up to women and start talking to them.
Taurus
At this very moment, hundreds of miles from
where you are, some of the world's greatest intellects are attempting to change
the way you think about sugar-free chewing gum.
Gemini
Your actions have not gone unnoticed. Prepare
to receive a summons to appear before the House Subcommittee on Talking About
Work While People Are Trying to Watch Football.
Cancer
Efficiency is all well and good, but the FBI
agents are right to point out that from now on, kidnap the kid before you send
the ransom note.
Leo
You'll undergo a crisis of conscience when you
realize that, despite being a faithful American, you don't really want to watch
anything that's on TV right now.
Virgo
The good news is that traveling will be
somewhat easier for you after next week, as you'll never again need to complain
about legroom or not having a decent view.
Libra
The stars are happy to announce that starting
next week you will pay your zodiac bill on time, if you know what's good for
you.
Scorpio
The pretty lady's boyfriend will actually be a
lot more polite than he absolutely has to be when explaining to you that who
dates her is not determined by an essay contest.
Sagittarius
You're not getting any younger, which means
that a certain so-called "wizard" has a lot to explain concerning
certain "reverse-aging potions."
Capricorn
It turns out that whomever you have to sleep
with to get a drink around here, it's not the bartenders, the owner, the
waitresses, or the bouncer.
Aquarius
You'll continue to inspire those closest to
you to try and move away as quickly and quietly as possible.
Pisces
Although your roommate thought it was crazy of
you to buy all that plastic sheeting, you'll come home to find it applied to the
walls and floors soon enough.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
