Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, March Turd, 2015.
As Our e-pisstles are clearly going unmissed,
We shan’t belabor the point, except to say that, during Our absentia, We have
completed one script, and are about to embark upon another. Idol hams are the
Devil’s Worcestershire, and all that.
Happy Birthday,
meanwhile, to Martin, who turns twenty-four today (for only the second time…how
adorbs izzat?) right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Martin, for those of you are unfamiliar, is tall...and, if you know Us, you know how We do sort of have Ourself a little fetish for bois who are tall. (Or short. (Or breathing.)) Happy
Birthday also to Cliff, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in
Fluffya.
There are so many
belated birthdays that We aren’t going to list them all; We shall, rather, wish
a Happy Belated Birthday to those select gentlemen who fulfill a criterion set
forth in a prior e-pisstle. (Murky, no?):
Happy Belated Birthday
to Andrew, Andy, Devon, and Maurice, each of whom turned twenty-four somewhere
on the planet prior to today and après Our last e-pisstle.
We should point out
that today’s Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Beautiful Doll,
Jus Great Big Beautiful Doll (sorry) is, for a change, a pixture taken by Us
Our Own Self Personally, of a belated Christmas gift We recently received. You, of course, are pee-green with envy that
We have the sort of friends who concern themselves with the freshness of Our
balls, Our balls being, obviously, long past their expiration date. In fact, We last aired out Our balls in
January, but We did not relate that story here, as We are A Lady, and A Lady
does not air out her balls and tell.
In other news, here is
a SitOnOurFaceBook notice that We posted yesterday regarding the Murder Mystery
Factory:
Dear SitOnMyFaceBook friends:
There are only two more
opportunities to see me play soap opera star Constance Bain in "I'd Kill
for an Emmy" at the Bistro Romano. (The show (which
I wrote...did I mention that?) closes March 14.) I will be appearing in the
show this Friday, March 6 and closing night, which is already sold out.
I am able to offer you tickets
for the Friday, March 6 show (and four-course dinner) for $20 per person
(beverages and gratuity not included). Cocktails and
hors d'oeuvres begin in the lounge at 7, seating in the dining room begins at
7:30, and the show starts at 8.
Get at me on my Face(Book) or
by text (if we're Real World friends) if you want to come.
(I have to put the reservation
in to get you the discount (tix are ordinarily $50)).
Because, in the words of a fan:
"Constance Bain is my
hero!!!" Eric Davis
In addition to the
information therein, We should also like to point out that “Constance Bain is my hero!!!” is an actual unsolicited comment from a
comment card at the Murder Mystery factory, and that Eric Davis, who made said
comment, is an actual real live person whom We know neither personally nor
biblically. (Although We are now FaceBook friends, and We are
fairly certain that, based on his pixtures thereon, his balls are much fresher
than Ours.)
Meanwhile, in news
completely (or at least nearly-completely) unrelated to balls and the freshness
thereof, We are directing the classic
comedy She Stoops to Conquer (clearly, someone has taken leave of their
senses), which will open in April at the historic Powel House.
Here is an article about the Powel House: http://phindie.com/the-powel-house-utilizing-historic-philalandmarks-as-venues-for-the-arts/
and here is where you can neglect to buy
tickets for the show, which does NOT run for an entire year: https://philalandmarks.givezooks.com/events/mechanical-theatre-presents-she-stoops-to-conquer
“Here is the link with which you may share
Our Pisces video with both of your friends:
http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8
”
(That never
happens.)
And here, because
We missed his birthday the other day (he’s 21 now), is Our earlier Pisces video
with Justin Bieber:
Moving on, didja know that We have been
e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since
2001? And that the earliest dead-tree
archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small
fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html
?
****************************************
In other celebrity
birthday news , as if all of this excitement weren’t enough already, Our
celebrity birthday website informs Us that today is Fatima Whitbread’s
birthday. Her claim to fame? “Javelin thrower”. Because apparently you can get famous just
for throwing stuff now. We
fast-forwarded to April 17, but Our celebrity birthday website did NOT have an
entry that said “Starzina Starfish-Browne: Fit Thrower”. Pigfuckers.
Aries
Unfortunately for your personal philosophy, it
turns out the free market has yet to come up with a truly effective way to just
go up to women and start talking to them.
Taurus
At this very moment, hundreds of miles from
where you are, some of the world's greatest intellects are attempting to change
the way you think about sugar-free chewing gum.
Gemini
Your actions have not gone unnoticed. Prepare
to receive a summons to appear before the House Subcommittee on Talking About
Work While People Are Trying to Watch Football
Cancer
Efficiency is all well and good, but the FBI
agents are right to point out that from now on, kidnap the kid before you send
the ransom note.
Leo
You'll undergo a crisis of conscience when you
realize that, despite being a faithful American, you don't really want to watch
anything that's on TV right now.
Virgo
The good news is that traveling will be
somewhat easier for you after next week, as you'll never again need to complain
about legroom or not having a decent view.
Libra
The stars are happy to announce that starting
next week you will pay your zodiac bill on time, if you know what's good for
you.
Scorpio
The pretty lady's boyfriend will actually be a
lot more polite than he absolutely has to be when explaining to you that who
dates her is not determined by an essay contest.
Sagittarius
You're not getting any younger, which means
that a certain so-called "wizard" has a lot to explain concerning
certain "reverse-aging potions."
Capricorn
It turns out that whomever you have to sleep
with to get a drink around here, it's not the bartenders, the owner, the
waitresses, or the bouncer.
Aquarius
You'll continue to inspire those closest to
you to try and move away as quickly and quietly as possible.
Pisces
Although your roommate thought it was crazy of
you to buy all that plastic sheeting, you'll come home to find it applied to
the walls and floors soon enough.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and,
more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate
entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries),
which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and
won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate
in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is
absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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