Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, March Turd, 2015.
As Our e-pisstles are clearly going unmissed, We shan’t belabor the point, except to say that, during Our absentia, We have completed one script, and are about to embark upon another. Idol hams are the Devil’s Worcestershire, and all that.
Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Martin, who turns twenty-four today (for only the second time…how adorbs izzat?) right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Martin, for those of you are unfamiliar, is tall...and, if you know Us, you know how We do sort of have Ourself a little fetish for bois who are tall. (Or short. (Or breathing.)) Happy Birthday also to Cliff, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in Fluffya.
There are so many belated birthdays that We aren’t going to list them all; We shall, rather, wish a Happy Belated Birthday to those select gentlemen who fulfill a criterion set forth in a prior e-pisstle. (Murky, no?):
Happy Belated Birthday to Andrew, Andy, Devon, and Maurice, each of whom turned twenty-four somewhere on the planet prior to today and après Our last e-pisstle.
We should point out that today’s Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Beautiful Doll, Jus Great Big Beautiful Doll (sorry) is, for a change, a pixture taken by Us Our Own Self Personally, of a belated Christmas gift We recently received. You, of course, are pee-green with envy that We have the sort of friends who concern themselves with the freshness of Our balls, Our balls being, obviously, long past their expiration date. In fact, We last aired out Our balls in January, but We did not relate that story here, as We are A Lady, and A Lady does not air out her balls and tell.
In other news, here is a SitOnOurFaceBook notice that We posted yesterday regarding the Murder Mystery Factory:
Dear SitOnMyFaceBook friends:
There are only two more opportunities to see me play soap opera star Constance Bain in "I'd Kill for an Emmy" at the Bistro Romano. (The show (which I wrote...did I mention that?) closes March 14.) I will be appearing in the show this Friday, March 6 and closing night, which is already sold out.
I am able to offer you tickets for the Friday, March 6 show (and four-course dinner) for $20 per person (beverages and gratuity not included). Cocktails and hors d'oeuvres begin in the lounge at 7, seating in the dining room begins at 7:30, and the show starts at 8.
Get at me on my Face(Book) or by text (if we're Real World friends) if you want to come.
(I have to put the reservation in to get you the discount (tix are ordinarily $50)).
Because, in the words of a fan:
"Constance Bain is my hero!!!" Eric Davis
In addition to the information therein, We should also like to point out that “Constance Bain is my hero!!!” is an actual unsolicited comment from a comment card at the Murder Mystery factory, and that Eric Davis, who made said comment, is an actual real live person whom We know neither personally nor biblically. (Although We are now FaceBook friends, and We are fairly certain that, based on his pixtures thereon, his balls are much fresher than Ours.)
Meanwhile, in news completely (or at least nearly-completely) unrelated to balls and the freshness thereof, We are directing the classic comedy She Stoops to Conquer (clearly, someone has taken leave of their senses), which will open in April at the historic Powel House.
Here is an article about the Powel House: http://phindie.com/the-powel-house-utilizing-historic-philalandmarks-as-venues-for-the-arts/
and here is where you can neglect to buy tickets for the show, which does NOT run for an entire year: https://philalandmarks.givezooks.com/events/mechanical-theatre-presents-she-stoops-to-conquer
“Here is the link with which you may share Our Pisces video with both of your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 ”
(That never happens.)
And here, because We missed his birthday the other day (he’s 21 now), is Our earlier Pisces video with Justin Bieber:
Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001? And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html ?
In other celebrity birthday news , as if all of this excitement weren’t enough already, Our celebrity birthday website informs Us that today is Fatima Whitbread’s birthday. Her claim to fame? “Javelin thrower”. Because apparently you can get famous just for throwing stuff now. We fast-forwarded to April 17, but Our celebrity birthday website did NOT have an entry that said “Starzina Starfish-Browne: Fit Thrower”. Pigfuckers.
Unfortunately for your personal philosophy, it turns out the free market has yet to come up with a truly effective way to just go up to women and start talking to them.
At this very moment, hundreds of miles from where you are, some of the world's greatest intellects are attempting to change the way you think about sugar-free chewing gum.
Your actions have not gone unnoticed. Prepare to receive a summons to appear before the House Subcommittee on Talking About Work While People Are Trying to Watch Football
Efficiency is all well and good, but the FBI agents are right to point out that from now on, kidnap the kid before you send the ransom note.
You'll undergo a crisis of conscience when you realize that, despite being a faithful American, you don't really want to watch anything that's on TV right now.
The good news is that traveling will be somewhat easier for you after next week, as you'll never again need to complain about legroom or not having a decent view.
The stars are happy to announce that starting next week you will pay your zodiac bill on time, if you know what's good for you.
The pretty lady's boyfriend will actually be a lot more polite than he absolutely has to be when explaining to you that who dates her is not determined by an essay contest.
You're not getting any younger, which means that a certain so-called "wizard" has a lot to explain concerning certain "reverse-aging potions."
It turns out that whomever you have to sleep with to get a drink around here, it's not the bartenders, the owner, the waitresses, or the bouncer.
You'll continue to inspire those closest to you to try and move away as quickly and quietly as possible.
Although your roommate thought it was crazy of you to buy all that plastic sheeting, you'll come home to find it applied to the walls and floors soon enough.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.