Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s!Weekly!Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, Feblueary TwennyFourst, 2015.
As Our e-pisstles are clearly going unmissed,
We shan’t belabor the point, except to say that, during Our absentia, We have
completed one script, and are about to embark upon another. Idol hams are the
Devil’s Worcestershire, and all that.
Happy Birthday,
meanwhile, to Gerre, and to Jonathan, each of whom turns twenty-four today right
here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also, Happy Birthday to
Cathy, who turns twenty-four today in Pentral Cennsylvania.
There are so many
belated birthdays that We aren’t going to list them all; We shall, rather, wish
a Happy Belated Birthday to those hottie bois whom We are picturing in their
birthday suits:
(We should point out,
in the interests of clarity and full disclosure (parenthetically (hence the
parentheses) it has just occurred to Us that the opposite of “clarity” should be
“Aunt Claraty”) that, in addition to the
birthday suits of the bois below, We are most assuredly picturing the birthday
suit of the aforementioned Jonathan as well.)
Happy Belated Birthday
to BoBoB, Chris, David, Evan, Kyle, Lyle, Mark, Nick, Paul, and Rich, each of
whom turned twenty-four somewhere on the planet prior to today and après Our
last e-pisstle, and each of whom We are currently picturing in his birthday
suit.
(Gentlemen: if you are blushing at being pictured in your
birthday suit, count your blessings that you are not being pictured in
these: http://www.boredpanda.com/crochet-shorts-schuyler-ellers-lord-von-schmitt/
)
We should further
point out that a number of the names above are shared by more than one birthday
boi…there are, for example, no fewer than FIVE Chrisses who have had birthdays
during this period. We shall leave it to
your fevered imaginations as to which of them We are picturing in their birthday
suits. (Here’s a hint for the Chrisses: one of you whose birthday suit We are
picturing should have one nipple tingling.)
In other news, We did
naturally watch The Gay Super Bowl, aka The Oscars™, the other night. Although We did switch over to Downton Abbey in the middle. It is par
for the course that, in the ongoing train wreck that We refer to as “Our life”,
the time while We were switched away was the time during which Neil Patrick
Harris chose to appear in his underwear.
We are so used to missing out on such things that We managed to remain
completely unfazed, while still imagining Our degree of fazedness had he
(subjunctively) chosen that time to appear in Our underwear.
In other news, the
murder mystery in which We are currently starring has been running for almost a
year, and We will be playing in it on Friday, February 27th, and
once or possibly twice in March, before it is closed on March 14. We will not so much be appearing in the new
one, so We will stop asking you to come see Us at that point. You’re welcome.
Also, We are directing
the classic comedy She
Stoops to Conquer (clearly, someone has taken leave of their senses), which will
open in April at the historic Powel House, and today is THE
VERY LAST DAY on which you can donate to the indiegogo fundraiser here:
“Here is the link with which you may share
Our Pisces video with both of your friends:
http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8
”
(That never
happens.)
And here, just
because We love it so, is Our earlier Pisces video with Justin Bieber:
Moving on, didja know that We have been
e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since
2001? And that the earliest dead-tree
archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small
fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html
?
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
****************************************
In celebrity birthday
news , as if all of this excitement weren’t enough already, Abe Vigoda turns
ninety-four today. So, if you’ve been
nakedly skimming and just stopped here by chance, picture THAT birthday suit.
Aries
The gods do indeed enjoy playing games with
our lives—tempting us with power and driving us mad with hubris—but you they
just enjoy seeing hit in the balls.
Taurus
You'll suffer from a continuing inability to
enjoy anything but the company of friends and family, the satisfaction of a job
well done, and the knowledge that you have lived a life of dignity.
Gemini
You'll finally find a man who loves you for
who you are, but unfortunately he's every bit as miserable as you might expect.
Cancer
If you had just one piece of wisdom to impart
to future generations, it would probably be unspeakably filthy.
Leo
This is a time of great uncertainty for you,
but that doesn't mean the odds of drawing to an inside straight will improve at
all.
Virgo
You're not the kind of person who lets your
physical handicaps stop you, but that's because you prey on people with even
fewer limbs than yourself, you sick bastard.
Libra
Artistic expression has never been your
strength, so it's frankly mystifying when the National Gallery puts your margin
doodles on display just to trash them.
Scorpio
Sometimes it's good to just sit back and watch
the universe unfolding. But other times, such as next Tuesday, it's good to
stop baby carriages from rolling in front of buses.
Sagittarius
Due to your optimism, your death next week
with come as a big surprise; however, due to your devout Christianity, what
comes after will be a terrible shock.
Capricorn
A hot bowl of soup and a good night's sleep
can cure many ills, it's true, but you might want to consider the possibility
that you have the world's worst oncologist.
Aquarius
Unfortunately for your dream of having
multiple gorgeous sex partners, attitudes toward sex will become much more
open-minded just as attitudes toward nutrition and personal hygiene go right
down the tubes.
Pisces
This is a great time for romance in the
workplace, if you're the sort of idiot who thinks that's even close to a good
idea.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and,
more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate
entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries),
which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and
won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate
in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is
absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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