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Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Hansel needs some sugar in his bowl

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! for Whenzdee,  May Turdteenfff, 2015.

We know you are shocked…SHOCKED, you tell Us…to find Us e-pisstlitizing for two consecutive days in a row.

We’ll come back to that in a moment.  In a muu-muu.  (That there was to give you something to pixture while We natter on.)

Happy birthday to Albert, and to David, and to Patrick, each of whom turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Also, happy birthday to Beth, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in Al-t-t-toona Town.

We are, of course, in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above.  And here, because it is also brillllllliant, is Our original Taurus video:

Here are the links with which you may share those videos with both of your friends: 

And, before We move on from birthday-whatnots, don’t think We haven’t noticed that We have not received birthday-suit-pix from so much as ONE of the gentlemen to whom We wished a Happy Belated Birthday yesterday…:

And now, in the time-honored tradition (well, since February-or-so, anyway) of Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope!, We hereby wish Happy Belated Birthdays to the most-mouth-watering birthday suits to have celebrated birthdays since last We e-pisstled.  So, Happy Belated Birthday to Danny, Fernando, Gerard, Gregg, Israel, Keith, Mark, Matt, and Vince. (It occurs to Us that, when We’ve made such a list in the past, We’ve usually actually seen at least one or two of the birthday suits thereon.  This time?  Not so much.  One or more of all y’all oughta do something about that.)

…Don’t MAKE Us hunt you down.

And now, on to New Bidness:  We moved into OurHosueWhereWeLive a little over seven years ago.  Since that time, there has been a houseplant on top of the cupboards above Our stove, slowly (s-l-o-w-l-y) dying from constant exposure to steam and heat from cooking.  Today, it occurred to Us that perhaps said houseplant would benefit from being relocated to somewhere OTHER THAN the cupboards above Our stove.

Change is good.

But that is not, of course, the reason why We are e-pisstlitizing an e-pissode just one day after Our last Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! e-pissode.  We were aware, naturally, that Darren Criss had taken over as the latest star of John Cameron Mitchell’s Hedwig and the Angry Inch (and don’t think We’ve forgotten that no one bought Us tickets to see Neil Patrick Harris in same).  We had even seen a pixture or two of Darren in the role, although We didn’t pay a whole lot of attention (We have not been the world’s biggest Darren Criss fan, ever since he ate the show over at Glee.)

Today, however, on Our WorldWideInterWebNetz, We stumbled across a high-res curtain call pixture of him (which see above), and We may have to reconsider…

Does he have the world’s most adorable teeny-tiny itty-bitty ickle-bickle micronipples, or what?

(Is there an editor in the house?  Or a grammarian?  Should that actually be “ipple-bipple micronipples”?  Inquiring minds want to know.)

On the other hand, We are reconsidering Our reconsidering…he also has a teeny-tiny itty-bitty ickle-bickle package to go with them. (He cannot possibly be wearing the same leather shorts as Neil Patrick Harris…)

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now over TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: 

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.


Celebrity birthday news is another reason why We felt We had to e-pisstlitize today…it is Bea Arthur’s birthday, which is practically a gay holiday.  Also, it is the birthday of Our future ex-husband, Hunter Parrish.

And now, a reading from Madame Olivia, with an extra-clever juxtaposition of Uranus.  (You may not have even realized that We were thinking about Uranus…but We ARE!)

Greetings Starzina ~

How nice to be with you again.

Madame Olivia has a paradoxical thought about procrastination: it can sometimes be put to good use. If, for example, you are trying to resist an unwholesome impulse, like eating or drinking or doing a certain thing, try telling yourself I'll do it later. In short, put it off! This will give you time to distract yourself and strengthen your sense of personal control, and thus increase your life satisfaction quotient. Try it.

Dear Aries, we should talk about some challenges that could present themselves. Something might well happen that at first looks a little weird. Chalk it up to the movement of the planets, notably Uranus in Aries! However, If you just wait it out you will discover that this state of affairs will actually lead to a fantastic opportunity.

You are loved.

Godspeed and good wishes from Madame Olivia until next time.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne
 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.