Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! for Thurzdee, June Forf, 2015.
Before We even begin Our beguine, a private message:
If you are the gentleman (and We use that term loosely) who appeared in Our dream last night (and We have no idea who you actually are), please get in touch (as it (subjunctively) were), as We are more than happy to pick up exactly where We left off.
Happy birthday, meanwhile, to Colin, who turns twenty-four today somewhere or another. Colin is one of the most beautiful people We have ever had the privilege of meeting in person. (And please bear in mind that, when We say “beautiful”, We work in the entertainment industry, and once did a show where We shared a dressing room with a gaggle (gaggle?) of gay male strippers.)
Colin, however, is beautiful in such a way that makes everyone with whom he is interacting feel (more) beautiful, and We have always wanted to tell him that, so now We did.
And now, in the time-honored tradition (well, since February-or-so, anyway) of Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope!, We hereby wish Happy Belated Birthdays to the most-mouth-watering birthday suits to have celebrated birthdays since last We e-pisstled. There being, apparently, an awful goddamn lot of Geminis in (what passes for) Our life, We’ve had to trim the list a bit. So, Happy Belated Birthday to Chris, Harley, Jake, Jonathan, Peter, and Ryan.
Before We stray from the subject of birthday wishes, We realized in the course of writing this that, of the gentlemen wished Happy Birthdays above, We have seen exactly none of them in their birthday suits. (Actually, were We (subjunctively) to have included ALL the gentlemen who’d had a birthday between Our last e-pisstle and this one, We would have only seen ONE of them in his birthday suit.)
What the hell is up with that? All of you gentlemen whom We have NOT seen in your birthday suits, please send Us pixtures of the birthdays suits in question.
We are now, of course, in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above. And here, because it is also brillllllliant, is Our original Gemini video, which was the very first video We made:
In other news, please go and support OurPatrick, whose play Parthenogenesis has been accepted into this year’s New York Fringe Festival…: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/parthenogenesis-at-the-nyc-fringe-festival/x/3785583#/story )
Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001? The preceding saga, as well as every other scintillating e-pissode from 2005 (now TEN YEARS OLD) can be found in charming dead-tree format here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2005/ebook/product-17475744.html ?
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.