Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! for Good Pie Rupee Tuesday, August 25st, 2015.
Since We have switched from Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!
to Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! (which means, of course, that We only e-pisstlize
an e-pissode when We are having Our period (just kidding…if We e-pisstlized an
e-pissode every time We were having Our period, it would be Eric’s!Quarter-Hourly!Horoscope!)),
We have undergone some suBtler format changes as well. For instance, We initially started keeping
notes of Our daily dystopian debacles, so that We could complain all at
once. This concept quickly fell by the
wayside, as We realized We were running the risk of alienating one or more of
Our Gentle Readers (both of whom are very nice, if somewhat screed-averse).
So now, you will be getting a more bullet-pointed
approach to Our world since last We e-pisstlized. What’s more, We shall actually leave off
complaining (no, not entirely) and
include some GOOD things that might have happened to Us (albeit clearly by
accident).
But first, today’s birthday wishes: Happy Birthday to Althea, and Kai, and
Michelle, each of whom turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly
Love Handles. Also, Happy Birthday to Liam, and Phillip, and Ron, each of whom
also turns twenty-four today, in Georgia, and Indiana, and New York,
respectably. (Well, on second thought,
probably NOT respectably. At least, We
HOPE not.)
The preceding folks are all Virgos, as We
have moved into that sign now. Our Virgo
video is above (and IS safe for work); the link with which you may Cher it with
your friends is: https://youtu.be/wkk4fkT9_ZI
Also, in the time-honored tradition
(well, since February-or-so, anyway) of Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope!,
now that We are periodically periodic with periodicity, We have a lot of
Belated Birthdays upon which to comment.
In the interest of keeping their numbers manageable, We have only been
wishing Happy Belated Birthday to all of the hot gentlemen (in their hot
birthday suits) who have celebrated their nativities (in their hot birthday
suits) since last We e-pisstlized an e-pissode. We hereby wish Happy Belated
Birthdays to the most-mouth-watering birthday suits to have celebrated
birthdays since last We e-pisstled. Of course, since all of the following
hot gentlemen are Leos, there’s still a helluva lot of ‘em:
So, Happy Belated
Birthday to Andrew, Anthony, Christian, Dan, Danny, Doug, Dylan, Edgar, Ian,
Jason, Jamel, James, Josh, Larry, Luke, Mark, Mike, Nicholas, Ryan, Thom, and
Tim.
And, of course, Happy
Belated Birthday (in his very own sentence, mind you) to TCBITWWW (The Cutest
Boi In The Whole Wide World, for you newbs.)
Before We put paid to the subject of birthday wishes, We realized in
the course of writing this that, of all of the gentlemen wished Happy Birthday/Belated
Birthday above, We have seen exactly ONE of them in his birthday suit.
What the hell is up with that? All of you
gentlemen whom We have NOT seen in
your birthday suits, please send Us pixtures of the birthdays suits in question.
(How many times do We need to repeat this until YouPeople realize that We ARE NOT JOKING?)
********************************
And now, as promised, BULLET POINTS! (Are you excited? We’re excited!)
And now, as promised, BULLET POINTS! (Are you excited? We’re excited!)
We have had a houseguest over the past week, whom We had not seen since We were both twenty-four. It was just like Celebrity Big Brother, but with less nudity. Now that We are both twenty-four, We enjoyed a very civilized visit. Despite the absence of nudity.
(We just attempted to
add ACTUAL bullet points, but Micro$oft Weird™ insists on putting one before “And
now, as promised, BULLET POINTS! “, which looks really stupid, so We’ve given
up.)
The only unfortunate
thing about having a houseguest was that his visit exactly overlapped with the
run of OurPatrickWhoArtInGreaterBostonia’s play, Parthenogenesis, which appeared last week in the New York Fringe
Festival, and, by all reports, killed.
So congratulations, and We are very sorry to have missed it. (We met OurPatrickWhoArtInGreaterBostonia
ten years ago this past spring, and, now that We’re both twenty-four, We should
catch up sometime soon.)
In other news, once
the sentence, “You’re more into me than I am into you” has been uttered to One,
there’s really no turning back, riiight?
(Asking for a friend.)
On the plus side, We did see some actual
(non-InterNetzian-porn) peen recently.
(No, NOT Our houseguest’s. (And
no, We weren’t allowed to have any. But still…))
In still other news, fuck the motherfucking Pope. The goddamn President of the United States can come to Philadelphia, and everybody goes about their goddamn business as usual, but some old man in a dress shows up, and suddenly We’re gonna be a police state. Go visit somewhere else, fucker.
***********************************
As
a Public Service to those of you who are nude here…er, new here, here is a link to a previous e-pissode, which contains,
amongst other things, an amusing review of Fifty
Shades of Grey:
Moving
on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in
one form or another since 2001? Every
scintillating e-pissode from 2005, for instance, (now TEN YEARS OLD) can be
found in charming dead-tree format here:
In celebrity birthday news, there is not much
going on today. It is, however, Luka
Sulic’s birthday. Who is Luka Sulic, you
ask? He is a Croatian cello player. Google up his picture on Wikipedia…We don’t
know about you (really, We don’t), but he can come over to Our house and “play
Our cello” any time he wants.
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
****************************************
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
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Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
