Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s!Weekly!Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, Feblueary TwennyFourst, 2015.
As Our e-pisstles are clearly going unmissed,
We shan’t belabor the point, except to say that, during Our absentia, We have
completed one script, and are about to embark upon another. Idol hams are the
Devil’s Worcestershire, and all that.
Happy Birthday,
meanwhile, to Gerre, and to Jonathan, each of whom turns twenty-four today right
here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also, Happy Birthday to
Cathy, who turns twenty-four today in Pentral Cennsylvania.
There are so many
belated birthdays that We aren’t going to list them all; We shall, rather, wish
a Happy Belated Birthday to those hottie bois whom We are picturing in their
birthday suits:
(We should point out,
in the interests of clarity and full disclosure (parenthetically (hence the
parentheses) it has just occurred to Us that the opposite of “clarity” should be
“Aunt Claraty”) that, in addition to the
birthday suits of the bois below, We are most assuredly picturing the birthday
suit of the aforementioned Jonathan as well.)
Happy Belated Birthday
to BoBoB, Chris, David, Evan, Kyle, Lyle, Mark, Nick, Paul, and Rich, each of
whom turned twenty-four somewhere on the planet prior to today and après Our
last e-pisstle, and each of whom We are currently picturing in his birthday
suit.
We should further
point out that a number of the names above are shared by more than one birthday
boi…there are, for example, no fewer than FIVE Chrisses who have had birthdays
during this period. We shall leave it to
your fevered imaginations as to which of them We are picturing in their birthday
suits. (Here’s a hint for the Chrisses: one of you whose birthday suit We are
picturing should have one nipple tingling.)
In other news, We did
naturally watch The Gay Super Bowl, aka The Oscars™, the other night. Although We did switch over to Downton Abbey in the middle. It is par
for the course that, in the ongoing train wreck that We refer to as “Our life”,
the time while We were switched away was the time during which Neil Patrick
Harris chose to appear in his underwear.
We are so used to missing out on such things that We managed to remain
completely unfazed, while still imagining Our degree of fazedness had he
(subjunctively) chosen that time to appear in Our underwear.
In other news, the
murder mystery in which We are currently starring has been running for almost a
year, and We will be playing in it on Friday, February 27th, and
once or possibly twice in March, before it is closed on March 14. We will not so much be appearing in the new
one, so We will stop asking you to come see Us at that point. You’re welcome.
Also, We are directing
the classic comedy She
Stoops to Conquer(clearly, someone has taken leave of their senses), which will
open in April at the historic Powel House, and today is THE
VERY LAST DAYon which you can donate to the indiegogo fundraiser here:
In celebrity birthday
news , as if all of this excitement weren’t enough already, Abe Vigoda turns
ninety-four today. So, if you’ve been
nakedly skimming and just stopped here by chance, picture THAT birthday suit.
Aries
The gods do indeed enjoy playing games with
our lives—tempting us with power and driving us mad with hubris—but you they
just enjoy seeing hit in the balls.
Taurus
You'll suffer from a continuing inability to
enjoy anything but the company of friends and family, the satisfaction of a job
well done, and the knowledge that you have lived a life of dignity.
Gemini
You'll finally find a man who loves you for
who you are, but unfortunately he's every bit as miserable as you might expect.
Cancer
If you had just one piece of wisdom to impart
to future generations, it would probably be unspeakably filthy.
Leo
This is a time of great uncertainty for you,
but that doesn't mean the odds of drawing to an inside straight will improve at
all.
Virgo
You're not the kind of person who lets your
physical handicaps stop you, but that's because you prey on people with even
fewer limbs than yourself, you sick bastard.
Libra
Artistic expression has never been your
strength, so it's frankly mystifying when the National Gallery puts your margin
doodles on display just to trash them.
Scorpio
Sometimes it's good to just sit back and watch
the universe unfolding. But other times, such as next Tuesday, it's good to
stop baby carriages from rolling in front of buses.
Sagittarius
Due to your optimism, your death next week
with come as a big surprise; however, due to your devout Christianity, what
comes after will be a terrible shock.
Capricorn
A hot bowl of soup and a good night's sleep
can cure many ills, it's true, but you might want to consider the possibility
that you have the world's worst oncologist.
Aquarius
Unfortunately for your dream of having
multiple gorgeous sex partners, attitudes toward sex will become much more
open-minded just as attitudes toward nutrition and personal hygiene go right
down the tubes.
Pisces
This is a great time for romance in the
workplace, if you're the sort of idiot who thinks that's even close to a good
idea.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and,
more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate
entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries),
which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and
won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate
in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is
absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s!Weekly!Horoscope! for JustAnotherManacledManicuristManiacallyManhandlingManchurianManateesMonday,
Feblueary Ninest, 2015.
When last We e-pisstlized, Our Martin Luther
King Day tree was still up, and We were baking Martin Luther King Day cookies
in anticipation of the arrival of Martin Luther King Day carolers at Our front
door.
My, how thyme fries when you’re shaving nuns.
(Or should that be “Our, how thyme fries…”
? Our goodness, it’s been so long
between e-pissodes that Our Royal We is getting rusty.)
At any rate, Our thanks to the exactly one Gentle Reader who inquired during Our
absence as to whether We had possibly fallen and could not get up. Thanks, Becky!
Happy Birthday,
meanwhile, to Annette, and to John, and to Mike, each of whom turns twenty-four
today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
There are so many
belated birthdays that We aren’t going to list them all; We shall, rather, wish
a Happy Belated Birthday to those hottie bois whom We are picturing in their
birthday suits:
Happy Belated Birthday
to Shane, Marcus, Brandon, Blake, Alex, Petr, Patrick, Terry, Matt, and Seth,
each of whom turned twenty-four somewhere on the planet prior to today and après
Martin Luther King Day, and each of whom We are currently picturing in his
birthday suit.
And what have We been
doing, you are no doubt wondering, while We have not been deluding Ourself into thinking We are communicating with
Our Gentle Readers? Well, for one thing,
We have completed a brand new murder mystery for the murder mystery
factory. Yes, indeed, ladies and
genitals, the murder mystery in which We are currently starring has been
running for almost a year, and most of you have still not come to see it. So We shall vainly point out that We will be
playing in it on Friday, February 13th and Friday, February 27th,
and once or possibly twice in March, before it is closed. We will not so much be appearing in the new
one, so We will stop asking you to come see Us at that point. You’re welcome.
Speaking of things
which you will resoundingly ignore, We are directing the classic comedy She Stoops to Conquer(clearly, someone has taken leave of their
senses), which will open in April at the historic Powel House, and which is
doing an indiegogo fundraiser here:
We wouldn’t ordinarily
give credence to such a thing, but they have clearly met an Aries or two in
their time. We wonder what “grass” they
mean for Taurus, and how exactly Cancer’s “rain” differs from Aquarius’s “wet
rocks”. And poor Sagittarius…is it just Us, or do Pringles™ smell exactly like
feet? (We would feel sorry for Gemini, but that would depnd entirely uipon whose
armpits We’re talking about.)
And speaking of Our greatest hits, it occurs
to Us that We were in absentia during the Feast of Saint Blaise this year, so,
for those who missed Our annual commemoration, herewith a little Blast-O from
the Past-O:
But
you didn’t come here today to hear Our trials and tribulations, sinking in a
gentle pool of whine (pool of whine). You came because it’s Groundhog
Day, all over again, and you know that, on Groundhog Day, all over again, We
here at Erix Daily Horoscope have a time-honored tradition of recapping every
Groundhog Day in Our written history (Our written history dating back to 2004,
despite these horoscopes having actually originated in 2001…but more on
that below).
And
so, without further ado…crank up The WayBack Machine!
Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, February
02, 2011. In the interests of giving my well-manicured nails and my
poorly-manicured mind a rest, today at Erix Daily Horoscope, we are going to
invoke our time-honoured Groundhog Day tradition of recapping every single
Groundhog Day in Erix Daily Horoscope written history. You will note
that, in Erix Daily Horoscope: The Early Years, we mistakenly believed that
Groundhog Day and The Feast Of Saint Blaise were one and the same; turns out,
The Feast Of Saint Blaise is February THIRD. Ha. Also, you will
note that, on this date in 2004, we referenced the Janet Jackson/Justin
Timberlake Super Bowl Nipplegate Incident, being, as we are, always on the
cutting edge of pop culture. Oh, and: Justin Timberlake’s penis.
Not that that has anything to do with anything, I just wanted to think about it
for a moment.
And now, hold on to
your Andie MacDowells, ‘cause here we goooooooo….
Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, February 02, 2010 (Oddly enough, one of
Eric’s Daily Horoscope’s most memorable holidays through its torrid, turgid
history has been Groundhog Day, which, it seems, has happened over and over
again. As a treat for Our longtime readers, and to imbue Our new readers with a
sense of the history and gravitas (gesundheit (thank you)) that surrounds the
efforts of Your Humble Scribe, We herewith present every Groundhog Day Eric’s
Daily Horoscope intro in written history, all the way back to 2004. (Long-time
readers (at least those who have yet to be confined to complete bedrest in
old-age homes) will note that Eric’s Daily Horoscope actually dates back, as We
are fond of reporting to “Since 2001”. Unfortunately, the first three years
were presented in cave paintings, which have long since been urinated away by
woolly mammoths. Too bad, so sad, @nal s3x with your dad.)) :
Here is your horoscope for Monday, February 02, 2009 (Apparently, it is not bad
enough that it is Monday morning. No, the EAC has decided that there should be
further fu(kwittery thrown into Our day, and, consequently, they have put a hex
on the WorldWideInterWebNetz which has rendered Ourhttp://www.superalternative.netinaccessible. Thus, We are forced to listen to
RadioFreeCleveland, where they spent the morning interviewing some band called
the WMDs and bleeping the word “ho” out of the “don’t trust a ho” line in
3OH!3’s song “Don’t Trust Me”. (Seriously…We are NOT making that up. Bleeped
it, they did. Hos, apparently, are unacceptable in Ohio. Hostess Ho-Hos™ are a
no-no. What the h3ll Santa Claus says when he laughs there is beyond Us.)):
(On the plus side, shortly after We tuned into RadioFreeCleveland, they took Us
live to Punxsutawney for the annual Groundhog Day festivities. (Really…they
did. We are not making THIS up, either. (Is Our life glamorous, or what? (WHO
said, “Or what”?))) We are pretty sure We’ve never actually heard a live report
from the very shadow-seeing moment of this auspicious occasion. Because, if We
had, We would certainly have remembered that it takes place on something called
Gobblers Knob, which We have immediately adopted to be Our new p0rn name.)
(In case you’re even remotely interested, the smelly little rodent saw his
fu(king shadow, thus ensuring Us six more weeks of winter.)
Greetings, Exaggerated
Response Includes Colloquialism---
Here is your horoscope for Friday, February 1, 2008 (Oh, see, now. Six hundred
and eleventy-twelve days of January and, just when it would be a REALLY good
time for, say, a May, or a June, what do We get? Fu(king February. Home of
Groundhog Day. Over and over again. Not to mention the dreaded V.D. And
Presidents Day, just to remind us all how very desperately we need a new one.
With a BRAIN, maybe, this time. (Apparently, this has to be specified in
advance. Who knew?)):
Greetings, Elastic
Really Impedes Circulation—
Here is your horoscope for Friday, February 02, 2007 (Well, well, well. Look at
that. Groundhog Day, all over again. Also, happy birthday to Christine, who
turns twenty-four today. (And who, I fear, has completely fallen off this
hallowed list…Charley, are you still here? Do you have contact info for
Christine?) Also, it strikes me that it is also someone else’s birthday, but,
as I haven’t my datebook with me, I have no idea whose. (Hey, I can’t do
EVERYTHING. D@mmit.) (Also, since when is “datebook” not a word?) But happy
birthday, whoever you are, and I’m sure you’re turning twenty-four.):
Greetings, Eels Repulse Iguana Collectors—
Here is your horoscope for Thursday, February 02, 2006 (So many holidays, so
little hilarity. Ensuing or otherwise. Happy Groundhog Day (again (see what I
did there?)); did the little p3cker see his shadow or what? Happy Feast of
Saint Blaise, clearly an excellent day to deep-thr0at a Catholic priest and
earn another star on your crown in Heaven. Happy birthday to Christine, who
turns 24 today. Happy first day of the new SURVIVOR. Oh, and Happy Black
History Month; it was pointed out to me yesterday by my granddaughter (Hi,
Mo’Niques!) that I had neglected to mention that it was Black History Month
(well, actually, “Munf”). And if there’s one thing We love here at Eric’s Daily
Horoscope, it’s Our Black History. Or, as We like to call it, The Cottonpickin’
Chronicles. (Oooops…I’d better bl0w TWO priests, or I’m goin’ straight to
h3ll.)) :
Greetings, Eric—
Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, February 02, 2005 (Happy Hump Day! Also,
Happy Feast of Saint Blaise! (Although if I were gonna pick a body part that
could use some blessing, I’m thinkin’ it wouldn’t be my throat. If you know
what I mean. And I think you do.) Also, Happy Groundhog Day! (Of course, around
here, EVERY day is Groundhog Day, but maybe that’s just me.) Also, Happy
Birthday to Christine, who turns 24 today! Day-um, that’s a whole lotta Happy,
all in one Day! And a whole lotta exclamation points! Also known, for the
trivia-minded among you, as “interrobangs”! Which I’m just gonna go right ahead
and make the Word of the Day! Because it sounds dirty! But it isn’t! Say it
with me! “Interrobang!” See! That was fun!):
Tuesday, February 3, 2004:
(Happy birthday to Christine. Also Happy Groundhog Day. And Happy Feast of
Saint Blaise. Whose name doesn't sound so much like a saint as it does a p0rn
star, but whatever. Happy, happy, happy.)
(Okay, so I did some research. A football game is sixty minutes long, divided
into four quarters of fifteen minutes each. How, then, is it possible that ONE
football game was on my television for FIVE HOURS???)
(Dear Mister Timberlake: The move you were attempting was actually originated
by Mister Mick Jagger in 1985 when he ripped off the skirt of Miss Tina Turner
at Live Aid. Of course, Mister Jagger being a highly trained professional, his
execution of the move did not result in a display of the aforementioned Miss
Turner's c00ter, or any of her other private parts. Also, Miss Turner was not
old enough to be Mister Jagger's mother. Because you were no doubt not born yet
at the time, it is unlikely that you will recall that neither Mister Jagger nor
Miss Turner made any sort of apology or explanation for the incident. Oh, and
"wardrobe malfunction"? No str8 boi would ever say that. I'd being
firing your PR people at once if I were you. Truly, Tipsy.)
(Dear Miss Jackson: Yes, you ARE nasty. Please go away, and take the rest of
the tragic mess you call a family with you. Oh, and if it was such a shocking
unplanned incident, WHY WERE YOU WEARING A PASTY? Truly, Tipsy.)
(Oh, I'm sorry...you were expecting a horoscope, and you got Andy Rooney. Oh,
well; it sux to be you. Here's that 'scope thingie...)
**************(Way-Back
Machine sound effects in reverse)************
(Aaaaannnd We’re back to 2010. Wasn’t that a festive little tiptoe through the
tulips of history? Happy birthday to Christine, who turns twenty-four today. We
hear tell that she has moved to suburbia, had a baby, and married a Republican,
although most likely not in that order. We shall have to make an effort to get
back in touch…perhaps she would like to hire a poolboy. At any rate, We trust
that you have all ordered your Lunette™ Menstrual Cups (and, if not, please see
yesterday’s Epistle to the Rich Corinthian Leathermen athttp://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/02/bermuda-bahama-come-on-lady-gaga.html (We
are nothing if not self-referential)), and so, on with Our-O-Scope…)
(AAAAAaaaannnndddd we’re
back to 2011…wasn’t that FUN, boys and girls?)
Today is perfect for
making plans. (Well, you know what They say about the best-laid plans of
mice and men. Although one has to wonder just what sort of plans They
think mice make. Seriously…when’s the last time you heard of a mouse
making dinner reservations? Or buying tickets to a musical? (Cats, for
instance?) The whole point of mice is that they just sort of
spontaneously show up, usually where they’re not wanted. Where are all
these “plans”, then?)
Your mental state (Oh,
please. I live in the only state in the Union whose biggest celebrity is
a half-blind rodent who appears once a year. How mental is THAT?)
is just right for
holding plenty of dates at the same time, (My mental state could barely hold a
fig. (Get it? Dates…figs…oh, sod off, wanker.))
and you should find
that you’re better able to convince others to follow your vision. (That’s
all I need, is to start have viZZZions. Himself already has crystal
balls. (No, seriously. Listen closely the next time he walks into a
room.))
(That was mean,
wunnit? Sorry. I’m just delirious with joy that the groundhog saw
Rachel Maddow, and now we’re getting an early Spring.)
(Speaking of lesbians,
we watched The Kids Are Alright last night, and I must say, I
totally do not get the appeal of Mark Ruffalo Rufallo Ruffallo Whatever.
All things considered, I’d rather do Julianne Moore. Or Annette Bening,
for that matter.)
Follow any urge you
have to seek alone time right now. (Hey, I spend my evenings watching movies
about lesbians. It’s not like I need to “seek” alone time.)
Even if everyone else
is in the mood to paint the town red (Is it just me, or does the saying “paint
the town red” always make you imagine a LOT of work? Since when is
painting considered a good time? No matter how long I live here, I will
never understand you Yanks and your wacky, zany, madcap sayings.)
or plan an elaborate
outing, (See? When you hear “elaborate outing”, I am betting that mice
are not the first thing that comes to your mind. Little mouse tuxedo
rental shops, and whatnot. Calling the florist for a little mousie
corsage. Little lady mice in mink stoles…talk about “fur is murder”! That
would be like wearing one of your relatives…like me gadding about in my
Great-Aunt Fanny’s wooden leg and merkin.)
(I shall pause here,
whilst the uninformed amongst you go and Google “merkin” on Wikipedia.
Trust me, you’re in for a treat.)
(Are you back?
Good…going on…)
you don’t necessarily
need to join in. (Oh, great. So the mice will be playing reindeer games
with me.)
(Is it just me, or is
it a fu(king zoo in here today?)
Listen to what your
heart is telling you to do, then do it. (Lovely. First, viZZZions, and
now my organs are speaking to me. Can involuntary commitment be far
behind?)
Yes, it sounds too
simple to work, (“Too Simple To Work” was Himself’s nickname in high school.)
but it isn’t. (No,
‘t’ain’t.)
(Heh. She said
“taint”.)
Opposites
attract, but you want someone as strong-willed and hot as you are.
(Mmm-hmm. My current requirements are a penis and a pulse.
(Candy-coated popcorn, penis, and a pulse…that’s what you get in
Crackerjack™!))
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
****************************************
In celebrity birthday
news , speaking of birthday suits, David Gallagher, Avan Jogia, and Jimmy Bennett all have
birthdays today. And birthday suits.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and,
more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate
entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries),
which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and
won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate
in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is
absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
#BornThisDay: Jane Fonda (Dec. 21, 1937)
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