Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! for Turdsday, April Twoth, 2015.
You are shocked, We realize, shocked, to be e-pisstlized by Us on
this random Spring-esque day after so long an absence, but it is the occasion
of Our Christopher’s natal anniversary, and said occasion had to be commemorated.
He is turning twenty-four today
somewhere in The Hinterlands, but will be celebrating here later this very
month.
Happy belated birthday, meanwhile, to a whole
bunch of people who have turned twenty-four since Our last e-pissode.
Whatvevs.
Oh, okay, fine; We’ll call out a few
particularly noteworthy birthday suits:
Happy Belated Birthday to Alan, Damian, Drew, Ed, Ethan, Jonathan, Matt,
and Stephen, each of whom turned twenty-four somewhere or another since last We
spoke.
(Our more industrious (and
perverted) Gentle Readers are now scouring Our SitOnMyFaceBook friends list for
beach pictures. Knock it off, wankers!)
We read a self-help (and Gawd does indeed
help those who help theirselves to a heaping helping of self-helping) article
earlier today which said, essentially, that We could change (what passes for)
Our life by refraining from complaining for seven days. Complaining being pretty much Our raison d’être (that is, of course,
Frawnch for “if you think Raisinettes™ are better than Goobers™, you’re a big
ol’ idiot”), We were somewhat taken aback, but what the hell, it’s Spring, and
why keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different
results?
So We’ve decided to give it a go.
We’re doing really well so far, too. (If you
screw up and complain about something, you have to start the seven days over
again. (And, presumably, not complain about it.)) Of course, the only other living human We’ve
seen so far today has been The Hottest Postal Carrier In All Of Christendom, so
it’s not as though We’ve exactly been tested.
But, nothing ventured, Barbara Bain.
In other news, in addition to wishing Our
Christopher a Happy Birthday, and conjuring up mental images of the
aforementioned Belated Birthday gentlemen’s birthday suits (We should point out
that, of the eight gentlemen on the Belated Birthday list, We’ve actually seen the birthday suits of two of them,
but, being a lady, as We are, We shan’t be saying which two), We are also here
to draw your attention to Our opening.
Oh, get your mind out of the gutter. We are talking about the opening of a play, She
Stoops to Conquer, which is
being directed by HimSelf and begins playing at Philadelphia’s historic Powel
House next Thursday at 7. Info is available at the SitOnMyFaceBook event here:
https://www.facebook.com/events/880439788665151/
…and tickets are available here:
https://www.facebook.com/events/880439788665151/
…and tickets are available here:
And now, the inside scoop part for Our Gentle
Readers: there will be a pay-what-you-will preview performance on
Wednesday, April 8 at 7PM, for all y’all poor people. Also, there are discount tickets available
for opening night on Funsaver.
We hope to see you there!
Here is the link with which you may share Our
Aries video with both of your friends: https://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU
Moving on, didja know that We have been
e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since
2001? And that the earliest dead-tree
archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small
fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html
?
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
****************************************
In celebrity birthday
news , Our celebrity birthday website informs Us that, in the midst of a whole
lotta has-beens and never was-es, Marvin Gaye’s birthday is today.
·
Aries You're usually pretty
good at following instructions, but what you're doing now is not what anyone
had in mind when they instructed you to "boogie down."
·
Taurus The
problems you have may be insignificant next to those of starving millions, but
you can't help thinking that at least their problems will be over soon.
·
Gemini Expressing
yourself clearly has never been your strong point, so it should come as no
surprise that it'll take a few readings before people stop laughing and realize
it's your suicide note.
·
Cancer Just
because other people get away with being tremendous snobs doesn't mean you can,
too, mostly because you're not as good as they are.
·
Leo There's absolutely no
reason you can't become successful and happy in the next six months, which will
make it all that much sadder when you don't.
·
Virgo You'll answer an ad
seeking participants in the Most Dangerous Game, but it turns out they mean
Scrabble played against an extremely well-armed logophile.
·
Libra For the third year in
a row, no one responds to your well-meaning letters concerning what you
consider to be fairly large errors in just about everything.
·
Scorpio There's
nothing in the world like a post-coital smoke, or so all the former lovers
you've driven to smoke through sheer frustration keep telling you.
·
Sagittarius Change
is right around the corner for you, and it's raising a nine-iron above its head
and watching your shadow grow larger as you approach.
·
Capricorn Look,
just because someone puts a diving board somewhere doesn't mean you have to
jump off it in order to fulfill the social contract.
·
Aquarius Letting
your fists speak for you turns out to be a good idea after all, as they make
some excellent points and reach a mutually satisfying conclusion that your mind
would never have come up with.
·
Pisces Romantic
success is coming at you fast, and will soon leave you battered, broken, and
crawling through the burning wreckage of your life as it passes over you
without even slowing down.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
scrabblewordseek.com
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