Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope! for JustAnotherManiacallyManicuringManlyManateesInManchurianMantillasMonday,
July TwennySebbenst, 2015.
We find Ourselves (did YouPeople even realize
We had gone missing?) currently in the sign of Leo, Our most recent video for
which is above. (Our very first Leo video is below.)
Long-time Gentle Readers will recall that We are somewhat fixated on Leos, being as they are the undisputed sexiest sign of the zodiac.
(Whoever started disputing…just shut up.)
Speaking of sexy Leos, lettuce get right to
it, shall We? Happy birthday to Will,
who turns twenty-four today right here
in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
Happy birthday also to Summer, who also turns twenty-four today, also
right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
And, last but not Lee Strasberg, happy
birthday to newcomer Josh, who may not EVEN turn twenty-four today, albeit (and
who doesn’t love a good “albeit”) right here in the self-same aforementioned
City. Josh is currently appearing in
BrainSpunk Theatre’s Mercury Fur, more on which in several paragraphs hence.
And now, We shall say “and now”
again. Also, in the time-honored
tradition (well, since February-or-so, anyway) of Eric’s!Periodic!Horoscope!,
We hereby wish Happy Belated Birthdays to the most-mouth-watering birthday
suits to have celebrated birthdays since last We e-pisstled. So, Happy
Belated Birthday to Adam, Allen, Christopher, Eric, Erik , Joe, Josh, Matt, Michael, Scott,
and Zach.
Before We put paid to the subject of birthday wishes, We realized in
the course of writing this that, of the gentlemen wished Happy Birthdays above,
We have seen exactly ONE of them in his birthday suit.
What the hell is up with that? All of you
gentlemen whom We have NOT seen in
your birthday suits, please send Us pixtures of the birthdays suits in
question. (How many times do We need to repeat this until YouPeople realize
that We ARE NOT JOKING?)
(In the interest of accuracy, We have ALSO
seen one of the aforementioned gentlemen almost
in his birthday suit. But “almost” only
counts in whore shoes, so come back and finish the job, already.)
Despite the fact that none of YouPeople
missed Us, We have, in fact, been gone.
We were at The Sainted Mother’s for a week, and also family
reunionating. The obligatory “Our Feet
At The Pool” selfie is above, for all of Our foot-fetishist Gentle Readers. (You’re welcome. (This version of Micro$oft
Weird™ is apparently so old that it doesn’t recognize the word “selfie”. Sigh.))
Speaking of family reunions, We had a dream last night in which We were working at some very posh hotel or some such in Los Angeles (or “El Lay”, as We like to call it). We were getting ready to do Our murder mystery in the ENORMOUS classic marble lobby of same, when a torrential downpour caused the place to flood (despite the fact that it allegedly never rains in Southern California).
Once We
got the flood cleared up, Our family reunion arrived to see the murder
mystery. Everyone was wearing tuxedoes
and evening gowns (appropriately by gender (it being Our family, We know you had questions)).
We woke up before the show actually happened,
but not before We had seen Paul
Newman twice during the proceedings.
YOUNG Paul Newman.
YOUNG, NOT-DEAD
Paul Newman.
Lest you think We only dream about sexy celebrities,
a day or two ago We had a dream in which Danny DeVito was helping Us paint Our
living room.
But enough of all that…let’s get some culture
up in this here jawn.
On Friday night,
the Murder Mystery Factory being closed due to lack of interest, We collected a
handsome young gentleman of Our acquaintance (well, technically, he collected Us, but whatevs) and headed off to war-torn Kensington to see
BrainSpunk Theatre’s Mercury Fur, starring the aforementioned Josh, and a
host of other dazzlingly talented folks, and directed by another dazzlingly
talented Josh, who, coincidentally, appears in the “happy belated birthday”
list above. (But whom We have NOT seen
in his birthday suit. (Nor even ALMOST in
his birthday suit. (Just to be clear.)))
We knew almost nothing about the play going
in, and so were in a state of almost constant awe at the proceedings. The play itself is poetic and lyrical without
ever veering into esoteric incomprehensibility, and the direction and
performances are so spot-on and committed that We would venture to say this was
one of Our favorite evenings in the theatre in a long time.
We will share some links to some (stellar)
reviews in a moment, but what they do
not stress is that, controversial subject
matter aside, the play itself is
more or less traditional, not at all avant garde, and completely accessible
(and We mean that all in the very best way…We hate plays that try to be smarter
than the audience, and that employ weirdness for weirdness’s sake).
We shall also point out, because We are
shallow like that, that the cast of this play is one of the overall most
attractive casts We’ve seen in quite a while as well.
Math not being Our strong suit, We are nevertheless fairly certain that you only have four chances left to see this show. And you MUST see this show. Get your tickets here: http://www.brainspunktheater.com/#!tickets/c9a0
Read more literate reviews here: http://phindie.com/8525-mercury-fur-brainspunk-the-hills-are-alive-with-the-sound-of-post-apocalyptic-horror/
And here:
Tell ‘em Starzina sent ya.
*******************************
In other news, fuck the motherfucking Pope. The goddamn President of the United States can come to Philadelphia, and everybody goes about their goddamn business as usual, but some old man in a dress shows up, and suddenly We’re gonna be a police state. Go visit somewhere else, fucker.
***********************************
As We mentioned earlier, We are
now, of course, in the sign of Leo, Our video for which is above. And here, because it is also brillllllliant,
is Our original Leo video, which was the very third video We made:
Here are the links with which you may share those
videos with both of your friends:
https://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo
https://youtu.be/jNJh1di7OXk
As
a Public Service to those of you who are nude here…er, new here, here is a link to a previous e-pissode, which contains,
amongst other things, an amusing review of Fifty
Shades of Grey:
Moving
on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in
one form or another since 2001? Every
scintillating e-pissode from 2005, for instance, (now TEN YEARS OLD) can be
found in charming dead-tree format here:
In celebrity birthday news, there is not much
going on today. (Bobbie Gentry,
anyone? Anyone?) It is, We are informed, Kenny Wormald’s birthday
today. Kenny Wormald, We are also
informed, starred in the recent Footloose
remake. We are unfamiliar with his
work, but, despite the fact that he is no Kevin Bacon, We would venture to say
that he IS one of Our future ex-husbands.
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
****************************************
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
