Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, December Elebbenf, 2013.
Well, from NO birthdays yesterday to a
kabillion today! Happy Birthday to Beth,
who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Colorado. Colorado is a big, square state on the way to
the Left Coast where there is year-round skiing and a pleasurable absence of
Mormons, who all live in Utah, which can be distinguished from Colorado because
it’s not quite square, and, plus, all those Mormons, duh. Unlike,
say, Wyoming, which is also a big, square state and which is, in fact, the
exact same state as Colorado, except in a slightly different location, which
has been known to cause some consternation amongst Coloradonians and
Wyomingtonians driving home from the company holiday party after one too many
eggnogs, as they frequently wind up in the opposite big, square state from the one
they intended.
Mormons, of course, do not have this problem,
because they all live in Utah, which can be distinguished from Colorado and
Wyoming because it’s not quite square,
and besides, Mormons wear magic underwear and can fly. Also, when they drink eggnog at the company
holiday party, it doesn’t have any nog in it, so, really, it’s just a big cup
of raw eggs, and how disgusting is that?
(It is unclear to Us why Mormons don’t drink
when they supposedly believe in Jeebus, who was a famous wine drinker from way
back, but We are talking about geography, not religion.)
Besides, the Mormons all live in Utah, which
has nothing to do with Colorado, which is a big, square state where Beth is
turning twenty-four on some ski-slope today, so Happy Birthday, Beth.
(We’re
really getting the hang of this geography stuff, no?)
In less-interesting geographic news, Happy Birthday
to Michael, who turns twenty-four today in New York. New York, New York, that is…The City That
Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).
Also too, Happy Birthday to Darin, and to John, and
to Richard, each of whom turns twenty-four today in and/or around The City Of Brotherly
Love Handles.
And thank you all, gentlemen, for not living
anywhere more interesting. Not that New York and Fluffya aren’t interesting, mind you, but We don’t feel
compelled to explain where they are, and Colorado totally wore Us out.
Now, the category of “sexual well-being products”
includes items that make it easier for certain bits to get into certain other
bits, items that keep certain bits from going into certain bits and causing
undesirable consequences, and items that can replace certain bits entirely,
batteries not included.
It is unnecessary for Us to be any more
specific. Suffice it to say, as We can
only barely remember That Time We Had The Sex (We are (fairly) certain it was
during the Reagan administration), Our answers regarding desirable design
qualities of the sexual well-being products in question may have been, how
shall We say, somewhat less than germane.
We are assuming, of course (thereby showing Uma Thurman’s
ass to Hume Cronyn), that they have changed The Sex since that time We had it.
(They must have…they’ve changed everything else.)
So, the next time you attempt to purchase a sexual
well-being product, and you discover that it smells like Brut™, plays an
eight-track tape of Bernadette Peters singing “Time Heals Everything” from Mack and Mabel, and boasts “now with
thirty-seven percent more marshmallow bits!”, you’ll know just whom to thank.
You’re welcome.
In still other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most
favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video (Sagittarius) with you (see above). Here is the link with which you may share it
with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y You’re welcome.
And here’s the HorrorScope…
It is Rider Strong’s birthday. As the saying goes, “Rider Strong, and put ‘er
away wet”.
It is also Donna Mills’ birthday. And, since her husband is the General, she
can have as many marshmallow bits as she wants.
You should step up and use some of this amazing energy to
take action — the world needs what you’ve got! (We’ve got thirty-seven percent more
marshmallow bits, Bay-Beeeeeeeee!!!)
It’s a really good day for some parties, startups and other
fun things that just need some initiative.
(Are you kidding Us? We’ve got Christmas shopping to finish, and
can barely face the idea of leaving the house.)
You can finally put whatever has been bothering you lately
on the back burner. (We don’t know about you, but Our stove only has two back
burners. Just sayin’.)
Spend the next few days walking on air — or maybe on water.
(Or maybe flying around in Our magic underwear.)
Wherever you go, others throw themselves shamelessly at
your feet. (Did she really just say that with a straight face?)
The impossible seems routine to you right now. (Well, many
things are routinely impossible. So
there’s that.)
You’re thrilled at the prospects in front of you and happy
to be alive. (Whose horoscope is this, anyway?)
Go out and do something you never dreamed you’d get the
chance to do. (Paging Johnny Depp…Johnny
Depp to the white courtesy phone please…)
Thinking about your own needs could do you good before you
start dating just anyone. (What makes
you think We’d date just anyone? (Yeah,
We’d pretty much date just anyone.))
You wouldn’t go to the store without a list, (Oh, ho,
HO! Wrong, Marshmallow-Bit Breath! We’re a rebel, and We’ll never never be any
good!)
so write down your desires and deal-breakers. (A penis and
a pulse.)
Be honest and thorough!
(What are We, a fucking Boy Scout?)
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
