Up, up, and away

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Thursday, February 21th, 2013.  So, didja miss Us?  We had a jam-packed  and fun-filled day yesterday, and We were much too busy to e-pisstlize about Our e-xploits.  We started with a morning meeting about a show We shall be directing in March; more on that story as it develops.

(It occurs to Us, parenthetically (hence the parentheses) that We were exploring, for a while there, what appeared to be Our comfortable niche in Legitimate Theatre Creation: the monologue/solo work.  Then the organization under whose aegis (gesundheit (thank you)) We had been doing so abandoned Us, Our Own Personal solo show tanked, and the whole thing hit an iceberg.  Perhaps We should re-examine this issue before they cart Us off to a home.)

Later in the day, We attended auditions for the dinner theatre murder mystery We wrote, whereupon We finally signed a contract and were handed A Lovely, Lovely Check.  We don’t know about you, but We Our Own Self Personally are rather partial to occasions on which We are handed Lovely, Lovely Checks.  They are so much nicer than Lovely, Lovely Plaids or Lovely, Lovely Paisleys.  (In fact, We are fairly certain that both “Lovely, Lovely Plaids” AND “Lovely, Lovely Paisleys” only work as sarcasm.  Whereas Lovely, Lovely Checks could function as a lifestyle.)

In birthday news, Happy Belated Birthday to Katie, who turned twenty-four yesterday, and also to Trish, who also turned twenty-four yesterday.  Funny how that happen, no?  Happy Birthday Today to Adam, who turns twenty-four today.  In, We are fairly certain, Italy, which would make this an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! historic first. Happy Birthday also to Ethan and to Barry, who also turn twenty-four today, albeit not, to the best of Our knowledge, in Italy.  Also also, Happy Birthday to Gin, who also also turns twenty-four today, also also not, presumably, in Italy, but who is named after Gin, and how cool is that?

You would think that, knowing all these twenty-four-year-olds, We would get laid more often.  You would be wrong.

When Lst We e-pisstlized on all y’all, it was the first day of Pisces, and We had just released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video, which see above.  Here is the link with which you would share same with your friends, both Piscean and otherwise:    http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .

Many of you will recall Our 2012 Pisces video, complete with guest appearance by Justin Bieber. Since We never tire of sharing that with Our adoring public, while We are waiting for Our invitation to go sailing on Mister Bieber’s yacht, here it is:

We repeated that paragraph in its entirety from the other day because We are still pondering what exactly the “sailing on Mister Bieber’s yacht” euphemism might actually mean.  Sigh.

And here are the HorrorScopes:

It is Christopher Atkins’s birthday.  How blue is your lagoon?

Your emotions are all up in the air today (In Our beautiful, Our beautiful baLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNN….)

(Sorry.)

(Speaking of The fifth Dimension, if Marilyn McCoo married Mister Magoo, she’d be Marilyn McCoo Magoo.)

(We were fairly certain you wouldn’t be able to make it through the rest of your day without know that.)

(We may have been mistaken.)

— but there’s nothing wrong with that!  (With what?)

It’s a good time for you to ask yourself what you really want  (So tell Us what you want, what you really, really want…)

(Kiss Us quick, We’re Old Spice.)

and to see if you can plot a path to that point.  (Always avoid alliteration.)

Instructions belong in a board game box — not in your romantic relationship.  (That is the stupidest thing We have ever heard.  Of COURSE Our romantic relationship needs instructions.  How the hell else are We gonna get the doll inflated?)

It’s important to do things your own way  (The Royal We totally thwarts One’s efforts to sing “My Way”.)

— and yes, that may include making your own mistakes.   (We thought We made a mistake once, but We were worng.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

If other people are giving you unwanted advice,  (Oh, Kelli, Kelli, Kelli, Kelli, Kelli…you done stepped in it now.)

thank them.  (Or some-verb them.  Very much.)

Then ignore them.  (Sorry…did you say something?)

They may have the very best intentions, (The Royal We does not interfere in the least with One’s efforts to sing “Highway to Hell”.)

but they are not you.  (Oh, please.  Some days, even We are not Us.  (Or is it “We are not We”?  (Or is it “We We We all the way home”?  (Mmmm….roast beef.))))

 Right now, you need to trust your intuition and follow your mood.  (Follow your nose, it always knows the flavor of fruit wherever it grows.)

Do what feels right and be prepared to live with and grow from the consequences.  (Was that a fat joke?)

If you need to respond to those flirtatious emails or instant messages, (Does anyone actually still spell out “instant messages”?)

now is the time. (Well, now is A time, at any rate.)

In fact, you should get started first thing this morning  (Then how very, very brilliant of you to have waited till the very last sentence to tell Us this, thereby ensuring that the maximum quantity of morning has already passed.  AssHat.)

when communication of the light-hearted variety is strongly favored. (Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! : strongly favored communication of the light-hearted variety.  Now with thirty-seven percent fewer calories.  In regular or barbecue.)

(What?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

As long as you love me, We could be starving

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  TuesdayWearingMonday’sHandMeDowns, February 19, 2013.  We trust that you have all recovered from all of your Presidents Day revelries, and that you are not feeling too many ill-effects today.  We Our Own Self Personally only made it as far as Rutherford B. Hayes before We were forced to call it a night.  Apparently, We just can’t party on down wit’ da presidents da way We used to.

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Mister BoBoB Jasper, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in suburbia.  Happy Birthday also to Pete, who also turns twenty-four today, also somewhere in suburbia, except suburbia as it relates to Chicago, as opposed to The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also too to Johnnie, who also too turns twenty-four today right here at home, and to Jeffery, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in WeHo.

Why, We feel as though We should go on tour to wish all these folks a happy birthday in person.

As We promised yesterday, today is A Very Special E-Pissode Of Blossom here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  (And, parenthetically, Blossom having turned up on Big Bang Theory, whatever became of her hunky-but-dim brother?  Let’s just tiptoe through the tulips of Googly Wikipedia for a moment, shall We?)

(Okay, never mind.)

(Meanwhile, if you had told Us when We were a child that someday there would be a machine in Our house where you could type such things as “Blossom’s brother Joey” and find all the answers you were looking for, We’d’ve told you you’d had one too many Rutherford B. Hayeses.)

What the fuck were We talking about?  Oh, yes…Very Special E-Pissode.  Today being the first day of Pisces, you may have already noticed a brand-spanking-new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video up above.  Here is the link with which you would share same with your friends, both Piscean and otherwise:    http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .

Many of you will recall Our 2012 Pisces video, complete with guest appearance by Justin Bieber. Since We never tire of sharing that with Our adoring public, while We are waiting for Our invitation to go sailing on Mister Bieber’s yacht, here it is:

(Is it just Us, or did “go sailing on Mister Bieber’s yacht” sound suspiciously like a euphemism?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

And here are the HorrorScopes:

 (Oh Our cars and starters!  Hot on the heels of all the hoopla and hullaballoo that is Presidents Day comes Justine Bateman’s birthday!  Will the excitement never abate?)

Take care when you’re communicating today — things are looking a little weird, but you can turn them around in a big way if you just find a way to express yourself clearly and quickly.  (Howzziss: Shut. Up. Kelli.)

Your patience for indecisive people is running very low, right now.  (We’re not entirely sure whether that’s true or not…)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

You know what you’re doing today, (What?)

(Just kidding.  First, We will be plugging Our new video all over the WorldWideInterWebNetz.  Then We will be going to the Italian Market and making dinner.  Our glamourz, let Us show them to you.)

so how come no one else does?  (Does what?)

Well, you’ll never be able to get a satisfying answer to that question, (Well, aren’t YOU just the Bluebird Of Fucking Happiness?)

so why even ask it? (Are you questioning Our questioning?)

You’ll only get frustrated or angry. (Usually both.)

To keep your resentment at bay, you’ve got to move past the nincompoops and just not give them a second thought.  (Well, We were going to forget about them entirely until you called them “nincompoops” and made Us giggle.  Now We can’t think of anything else.  It’s like when someone tells you not to think of pink elephants, and then all you can think about is pink elephants.)

(Are you thinking about pink elephants now?  Are they nincompooping?  We seem to recall mentioning before in these hallowed pages, elephants?  Have big poops.)

Focus your communication on getting your own stuff down, (ExSQUEEZE Us?)

not on trying to get other people in trouble.  (Do you mean get other people in trouble, or get other people In Trouble?)

(And, now that We’ve been forced to look at it, isn’t “trouble” a peculiar word?  Troublesome, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t…what makes you think it’s all about you, when it’s All About Eve?))

Modern techniques should work really well for your love life today. (So We can just pay somebody, then?)

Use email, texts, IM and more to your romantic advantage.  (That sentence right there is a very bizarre porno movie.)

(No, really…think about it.)

Everyone loves quick, sweet flirts  (Not to mention farts.)

(We TOLD you not to mention them.)

— and you’re a genius at it right now.  (Yay, Us!)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

President Fillmore still more glad

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  JustAnotherMillardFillmoreMonday, February 18, 2013.  Happy Presidents Day, everybody!  Those Gentle Readers with children must have already sung a bunch of Presidents Day carols around the Presidents Day tree, and opened all their Presidents Day presents.  Here at OurHouseWhereWeLive, We’ve gotten a bit of a late start this morning, so Our celebrations have only gotten as far as Martin van Buren.

Our mind being what it is (or should that be “what it isn’t”, i.e. functional?), typing Martin van Buren just then made Us think of Mamie van Doren.  It did not, unfortunately, make Us think of a joke involving the two of them, because, really, how many Martin van Buren jokes can there be?

We have a lot of birthday wishes today, as We neglected to wish weekend-birthday folks a happy birthday in advance on Friday, so We’re doing Double Doody Today Tootie Rootie Tootie Fresh And Fruity.

(Sorry…Our needle got stuck.   (Old-timers will imagine that We mean a phonograph needle, but you youngsters will surmise (correctly) that We’re talking about a hypodermic needle.  (Heroin…it’s not just for breakfast any more.)))

Happy Birthday to Mark, who turns twenty-four today in Arizona or some such state with an embarrassing governor.  (In Oklahoma, not Arizona, what does it matter? What does it matter? (That there was a little musical interlude.  On the hi-fi, for you oldsters.))

Happy Birthday also to Evan, who turns twenty-four today in New Yawk, and to Caroline, who turns twenty-four today in suburbia, and to Christopher, who not only turns twenty-four today, but also turned twenty-four over the weekend.  Because he is two different people.

Howzzat for a segue?  (What’s a segue?  About a pound and a half.  (Try to keep up, people, these jokes ain’t getting’ any younger.))

Happy Birthday to Aaron, and Donna, and Rachel, each of whom turned twenty-four over the weekend, without any help from each other, as, to the best of Our knowledge, they are unacquainted.  Also, Happy Birthday to Rich, who’s all like, “Twenty-four?  Day-um, y’all are OLD!”, and how cosmopolitan are We, to actually know people who aren’t twenty-four yet?

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

Speaking of fillums, do NOT miss tomorrow’s e-pisstle, as it will be A Very Special E-Pissode for those who enjoy Our viZZZuals.

In other news, HimSelf asked Us to thank all of those who came out to watch him embarrass HimSelf as Jesus H. Christ in The VD Match Game.  A good time was apparently had by all, except those with any taste or decency.

Meanwhile, speaking of birthdays, We had an amazingly revelatory dream this weekend. The details are a bit hazy, as We had it on Friday night, but essentially, in Our dream, it was Our birthday.

(We interrupt this dream to inform you that Our actual birthday is April 17^th, and don’t let the fact that We spend all year wishing all y’all Happy Birthdays influence you in any way whatsoever.  KThxBye.)

And on Our birthday in this dream (did We all of a sudden start singing “Old MacDonald Had A Farm (and Bingo Was His Name-O)”?  (Oh, is that stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)), people were saying mean things to Us.  On Our BIRTHDAY!  So We said to them, We said (get ready for it): “Shut the fuck up, it’s my birthday!”

(We frequently eschew (gesundheit (thank you)) The Royal We in Our dreams.)

How ingenious is that?  At first blush, you might think it would only work on One’s actual birthday.  But, really, in addition to that, if the mean people were unacquainted with One’s actual birthday (as mean people are wont to be), it would work on any day of the year.  (Although not, perhaps, on two days in succession.)  And, even if the mean people were acquainted with One’s actual birthday, it would certainly give them a moment’s pause.

We think We shall start saying it all the time.  Perhaps We shall “make it happen”.  Much like “fetch”.  (But UNlike “too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad”, which Our Google-O-Meter™ informs Us We are the only person on the WorldWideInterWebNetz ever to have said.)

And here are the HorrorScopes:

(Okay, not only Presidents Day, but also Yoko Ono’s birthday?  We’re gonna need to bake more cookies!)

You need to take it easy (Nothing is as easy as We are.  We are easy…easy like an Easy-Bake Oven™… (Bite Us, Lionel Richie.))

and see if you can get a little help  (Wait…We have help?  What is this, Downton Abbey?)

— things are going your way, but you could always use a little lift. (Or a little nip-tuck.  (Tell Us what you don’t like about yourself.))

Check in with a friend or coworker to see if you can work together.  (It is Presidents Day, bee-yotch.  Ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat.)

Be prepared for a few scheduling hiccups, today. (Oh, please.  If only Our schedule ever only hiccupped.  Usually it breaks out in hives, and then shits itself.)

 (That there was a werd pixture We created just for you.  You’re welcome.)

Suddenly, (And without warning?)

an unforeseen event  (Much like the Pope’s resignation, We did Nazi that coming.)

could limit your free time and make you feel a little bit like you’re under the gun.  (Whose gun is it, exactly?)

But have no fear!  (Underdog is here!)

This rapid change of pace will not send you down a stressful path.  (Perhaps a primrose path?)

Instead, it will be invigorating and bring out your competitive, aggressive nature.  (Yeah, that doesn’t sound stressful AT ALL.)

This will be a funday, (Monday Funday?  That almost NEVER happens!)

full of twists and turns that keep you on the edge of your seat — and ready for the next curveball to come your way!  (Why are they throwing balls at Us if We’re sitting down?  We’re not very good at this sort of thing, Kelli, but We fear you may have muddled your sports metaphor.)

 You might run into a romantic obstacle today,  (See also:  Big Ol’ Dick.)

but when does that ever stop you?  (See also: Three-Legged Race.)

You’ve got plenty of possibilities,  (We’ve got plenty o’ nuthin’, and nuthin’s plenty for We.)

so make the most of them.  (Don’t tell Us what to do.  (We would love to close with a Martin van Buren joke, to be all thematological and all, but We know exactly nothing about him.  Lettuce go Google him on Wikipedia, and see if there’s anything funny about him…BRB…))

(Nope, he was boring.  We’re outtie.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.