I’d be surprisingly good for you

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMannequinTwoOnTheMoveStarringNeitherAndrewMcCarthyNorKimCattrallMonday, December 16^st, 2013.

So the biggest problem with writing DAILY e-pissodes of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! (other than actually remembering to post them to http://www.holidailies.org ) is that, come Monday’s e-pissode We are not all rested and refreshed with an entire weekend of shenanigantics to report upon.

Sigh.  First-World Narcissists’ Problems.

Meanwhile, “report upon a Port-A-Potty” leapt unbidden into what passes for Our mind when We typed “report upon” earlier.  This, presumably, would be why Our career as a rap artist never took off.

(You’re picturing Us rapping now, aren’t you?  Serves you right.)

To return to Our point, Happy Birthday to Holly, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Birthday to Rebecca, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

(The fact that this city has two names should not lead you to confuse it with The City So Nice They Named It Twice.  (Mainly because there is no city We can think of that is called “Twice”.  (Also, how do you solve a problem like they call the wind Maria?))

Also, Happy Birthday to Dylan, who also turns twenty-our today, and also to Nick, who, in a quadrangle of co-inky-dink, ALSO turns twenty-four today.   Both Dylan and Nick turn twenty-four today out on The Left Coast, in California.  Albeit in parts of California of which We have never heard.  Which they are clearly doing just to torment Us, with Our poorly-tuned sense of geography.

So, New Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  Rule:  if you are turning twenty-four in some geographic location of which We have never heard, We shall decide where you actually live.  For example, We hereby decree that both Dylan and Nick, while they still live in California, actually live in WeHo.  On the Sunset Strip.  Where they are strippers.  And Siamese twins.  Which means that, while they can wear perfectly normal pasties, their G-strings, of which they can only wear one at a time (their conjoinment is most unfortunate) are hand-crafted by the same designer who builds Johnny Depp’s codpieces when he’s in Tim Burton fillums.

(Is Johnny Depp ever NOT in Tim Burton fillums?  Also, does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost over night fever, night fever?)

We have no idea.  Just go with it.

At any rate, Happy Birthday To All, And To All A Good Night And Thank You Magaldi.

In other other news, who has opposable thumbs and will be performing not once, but TWICE in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in January?  That’s right, ladies and genitals, this Foul-mouthed, All-knowing Goddess!

That’s right, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour!

Check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo.)), and keep your eyes glued…GLUED, goddammit…to this space for further developments (We don’t even think tickets are available yet, but you, Gentle Readers, will be the first to know when they are, so you can snatch (heh) them up.)

This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event.  Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard.  Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic.  (Also poetic and chic.)

In still other other other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video (Sagittarius) with you (see above).  Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  You’re welcome.

And now, here’s the HorrorScope:

This is not a good day for intense or heavy business, (Was that a fat joke?)

but you should at least try to get on with your regular chores or errands. (But whoever will tend to Our IRRegular chores and errands?)

In fact, you can get quite a lot done by focusing on the superficial!  (GREAT!  Because We are NOTHING if not superficial.)

Still chatting away? (Also, slip sliding away.)

Dashing (Through the snow in a one-whore open-toed come-fuck-Us pump?)

(Ooops…sorry.)

around and having fun? (Or that.)

Bet you are. (Bet you are report upon a Port-A-Potty™ at Peppermint Patty’s pity party…)

(The rap world is SO not ready for Us…)

The good news is that it’s officially time to play. (Tcha, right.  People who KNOW how to play don’t WAIT for permission.  Or persimmons.  One of those.)

(Sometimes We worry that, if We had a stroke, no one would be able to tell.)

Now you can do it with a clear conscience. (Also, you can leave your hat on.)

Get yourself dressed, (How did you know We were naked???  OhMiGod, the calls are coming from inside the house!!!!)

get out there and enjoy the company of dear ones you haven’t seen in far too long.  (See, you thought the line break would prevent Us from seeing “far too long” as “fart oolong”, but not for all the tea in China, OolongFartBreath.)

With the heavens as full as they are of spontaneous, impetuous energies,  (We thought We smelled something.)

you’d better not take the night off. (What about the nightie?)

What if you missed something? (How would We know?)

The right words are coming easily to you now. (Aspidistra.  Melancholia.  Fluffer-Nutter™.)

Make the most of this great energy by chatting up someone you’ve been watching from afar.  (Okay, who’s got Johnny Depp’s phone number?  (What, you thought We were able to forget the image of “Johnny Depp’s codpieces” from earlier?))

Start off with random small talk (Aspidistra.  Melancholia.  Fluffer-Nutter™.)

and see how far you get.  (All the way to WeHo, Bay-Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

The dogs kids love to bite

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for SunDayFunDay, December 15^rd, 2013.

Happy Birthday to Chris, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, and also Happy Birthday to Kate, who also turns twenty-four today, also here.

In further-flung news, Happy Birthday to Max, who turns twenty-four today somewhere out in Amish country.  (Is that a Rumspringa in your pocket, or are you just happy to see Us?)

And in further further-flung news, Happy Birthday also to Joey, who also turns twenty-four today. In New York.  New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

(We were going to do a riff on how Joey, who is an actor, has one of the most perfect not-made-up names We’ve ever heard (in real life) for appearing on a marquee.  Then We Googled “Joey LastName” on Wikipedia and discovered that there’s somebody else with Joey’s LastName who runs a hotdog stand in Virginia, which is called (brilliantly, We might add) “Joey’s Hotdogs”.

(Please note that We are NOT making this up, nor is this a “Rumspringa-in-your-pocket”-type hotdog joke.  There really IS a Joey’s Hotdogs in Virginia, run by somebody named Joey LastName. (It being the Christmas season, We probably should have phrased that last bit as “Yes, Virginia, there IS a Joey’s Hotdogs…”, but We’re not going back now.))

We still think, mind you, that “Joey LastName” is one of the most perfect not-made-up names We’ve ever heard (in real life) for appearing on a marquee.  We just want you to be aware that, once you became famous, you will be helping some guy in Virginia peddle his dubious meat-like wares. 

(Alternatively, you could be a total Rumspringa and copyright (or do We mean trademark?) “Joey LastName”, and force Virginia Guy to rename his hotdog stand something like “Not THAT Joey’s Hotdogs”.  Your call.  But Happy Birthday anyway.)

(Is it just Us, or are We getting an awful lot of mileage out of this Rumspringa joke that’s not even particularly funny?)

In other news, We wouldn’t walk a mile for a Camel™,  but We’d walk a furlong for a hump. (We’d also bend over for a penny.  (We put that joke in there specifically for Loretta.  (Hi, Loretta!  (Loretta is not the same person as LOretta.  (We now know two people named “Loretta”.  A few years ago, We didn’t know any.  Small world, isn’t it?  (Also, “now know two” is a very odd string of words.))))))

So meanwhile, this was Our latest Snowpocalypse…an unpleasant walk to work yesterday, a less-unpleasant trip home, and today the sun is shining and Our stoop and sidewalk have been cleared of all snow and ice by said sun without any divine intervention from Us Our Own Self Personally.  Remind Us again why We didn’t go to school for Television Meteorology?

Speaking of ‘Tis The Season To Be Jolly (no, not Rumspringa…why is Max churning butter?  Oh…never mind.), those who know Us well know that We are (uncharacteristically, some might say) inordinately fond of Our Christmas.  And one of Our Christmas traditions has always been to write out and send Our Christmas cards the weekend after Thanksgiving.

Well, in the interests of proving that An Old Bitch CAN Learn New Tricks, We have decided to forego that annoying chore (YOU try sitting and writing fifty or sixty cards, and see how much Ho is left in your Ho-Ho) and simply answer cards as they arrive.  Which We will be sitting down to do today, once We have finished this e-pisstle.

(In the interests of full disclosure, We DID already send ONE Christmas card, to Our friend who is bringing Live Thee-AY-Turr to the natives in West Wisconsonomington.  But that’s only because they don’t have postal service there, and We wanted him to get it in time.  (They used to have Pony Express, but the pony died.  So now all of their mail is delivered by one Singing Strip-O-Gram™ girl, who can only deliver when she‘s not milking her daddy’s cows.  She lost one of her pasties in The Blizzard of ’96.  She is morbidly obese, and has a wooden leg.  She frequently attempts to tap dance while she sings.  It’s sad, really.))

Oh, turn those frowns upside-down…all We’re saying is, if you were expecting Our Christmas card, don’t hold your damn breath.  Fa-La-Fuckin’-La, et cetera.

In other other news, who has opposable thumbs and will be performing not once, but TWICE in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in January?  That’s right, ladies and genitals, this Foul-mouthed, All-knowing Goddess!

That’s right, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour!

Check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo.)), and keep your eyes glued…GLUED, goddammit…to this space for further developments (We don’t even think tickets are available yet, but you, Gentle Readers, will be the first to know when they are, so you can snatch (heh) them up.)

This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event.  Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard.  Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic.  (Also poetic and chic.)

In still other other other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video (Sagittarius) with you (see above).  Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  You’re welcome.

And now, here’s the HorrorScope:

Speaking of “is that a (something) in your pocket, or are you just happy to see Us”, Gustave Eiffel, who erected (heh) the iconic Frawnch phallic symbol, was born today.  And, in the  same vein, as We can see that Max has finished “churning his butter”, herewith AssHatted Kelli’s blatherings, presented in their entirety and without interruption.  (We have Christmas cards to write.):

You’re feeling pretty feisty today — so much so that you may fire up a few arguments just to see where they lead! It’s a good time for you to step up and make your case whenever the mood strikes you.  A certain higher-up has been on your case pretty hard lately, so you’ve been toeing the line, doing everything just right, and forcing yourself to even work a bit of overtime. Without even being asked. Basically, you’ve been very, very good — and now it’s time to relax. Yes, relax. Even you need some downtime. Give yourself a break tonight. Chill out.  Communication is vital for getting what you want. Though it might be frustrating to spell out precisely what you need, when you talk in a direct manner, there’s no chance for misunderstandings. Be as patient — and precise — as you can.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

She works hard for the money

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for SayerDee, December 14^st, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Sheryl, who turns twenty-four today all the way down in Savannah, Georgia.  Where, no doubt, it is a helluva lot warmer than it is here.

Here in Fluffya, We are getting ready for Our third snowfall in a week, and may We just point out, it isn’t even goddamn winter yet.  We shall be murder mysterying (oh, it is so too a verb, Micro$oft Weird™; if YOU hadda do it, you’d know that) this evening, and We are informed that a party of 40 out of Our 85 guests has already cancelled.  If We get all the way up there and THEN they cancel the whole business, there will be murder, but it will be no mystery.

In other news, it is Day Fourteen of Holidailies (http://www.holidailies.org ), and while We have indeed penned fourteen e-pissodes of these E-ric’s!Daily!Horoscope! e-pistles, We do not have fourteen Holidaily entries, because We have twice forgotten to upload the damn things.

What We clearly need up in this place is an e-fficiency e-xpert.  (Or perhaps We could just persuade OurPatrickWhoArtInBostonia (hi, Patrick!) to have Us declared mentally incompetent and commit Us. (Now THERE’S a commitment ceremony everybody’d wanna see…just picture the china pattern!))

Here’s how one of these e-pisstles is created:  first, We connect Our Etch-A-Sketch™ to Our eight-track tape player, and shove ‘em both into the Beta-Max™…

Okay, it’s not quite that bad.  But still…

We pull up yesterday’s e-pissode in Micro$oft Weird™ (because working in the Google blogspot environment is way too annoying), delete all the stuff We don’t want to go forward, and keep all the stuff We do.

We check SitOnMyFaceBook to see whose birthday it is, and wish them a happy birthday.  Then We share any pertinent information that comes to mind.  For example, this would be where We would tell you that We had a dream last night about rats.  But it was okay, because Chord Overstreet was in it.  And he was naked.  (We probably didn’t need to add that last part…who the hell has dreams about Chord Overstreet where he’s NOT naked?)

Then We go to astrology.com and pull up the three pieces of Kelli’s asshatted blatherings that We use (daily horoscope, daily extended, and daily singles) into Notepad (pulling them directly into Weird™ causes problems) and answer her simple ass back.

Once We have written the e-ntire e-pissode (are you sick of this e-crap yet?),  We think up a song lyric for the title, and doublecheck it for accuracy. (Oddly e-nough (heh), Our memory is not always 100% reliable.  Go figger.)

Then it’s time to move to Blogspot.  We choose a Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Gerard Depardieu Maya Angelou Boy Named Sue from Our archives, import (and re-space) the text, add celebrity names to the Labels index, and publish.  We also share, at that point, on Google+, as more and more people are pretending to use it, even though nobody has any idea what it’s for.

We send out an email alert to the 75-or-so people who still get a daily email alert, We update Our SitOnMyFaceBook status (with a quote from http://www.textsfromlastnight.com ), and We tweet on Twatter.  Also, We send a SitOnMyFaceBook message to all the non-celebrity people who were mentioned in that day’s e-pissode.

Is it any goddamn wonder We forgot to post to Holidailies?  Jeebus!

In other other news, who has opposable thumbs and will be performing not once, but TWICE in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in January?  That’s right, ladies and genitals, this Foul-mouthed, All-knowing Goddess!

That’s right, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour!

Check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo.)), and keep your eyes glued…GLUED, goddammit…to this space for further developments (We don’t even think tickets are available yet, but you, Gentle Readers, will be the first to know when they are, so you can snatch (heh) them up.)

This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event.  Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard.  Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic.  (Also poetic and chic.)

In still other other other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video (Sagittarius) with you (see above).  Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  You’re welcome.

And now, here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Nostradamus’s birthday.  But then, you probably knew that already.

(See what We did there?)

In lieu of Kelli’s asshatted blatherings, today, a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

Hello again. Madame Olivia is happy to receive you.

You know, as you find yourself getting wound around the axle about something, try telling yourself "I'm going to let go of this" and then seriously letting go of it. Madame Olivia likes to literally put her hands up as if saying "I'm out of here." Don't torture yourself with after-worry. Just make the decision and then forget about it. Kindly observe: the more you do this, the easier it gets.

Now, dear Aries, let's take a look at something that's going to present itself to you. It's looking like a challenge and though Madame Olivia knows you generally like a challenge, in all honesty she would simply pass this one up. It's just not going to be worth it and could well add needless complication. A word to the wise.

Word of the hour: ambition

Our time together today is drawing to a close. Madame Olivia bids you au revoir and good luck until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.