Black boys are delicious

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, January 25, 2013.  Well, you will no doubt be passionately indifferent to hear that We did in fact spend yesterday in the studio, slaving and toiling over the next e-pissode of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope. And, along with Our crack team of Highly-Trained Professionals (you can tell they are professionals because they are highly-trained enough to bring their own crack), We also mapped out the rest of the season.  Oh, the cinematic treats We have in store for YouPeople!

Exhausted by all that ebb and flow of creative juices, We have so far this morning cleaned out the cabinet where We keep Our coffee cups and tea.

In other news, may We please stick a fork in the non-word “realness”, particularly in any situation in which it is being “served” with a made-up adjective in front of it?  KThxBye.

Hey, YouKidz, get off Our lawn!

Meanwhile, We have somehow made it through the first month of winter.  The middle month, of course, is the most difficult, because there’s still another month after that.  Seasonal Affective Disorder?  What Seasonal Affective Disorder?

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf’s birthday?  I am, George, I am.

We are so fucking cultured, We could just shit.

The small stuff really starts to add up (Thank CHRIST We have an abacus.)

— though you wish it would just drift away. (Please do not say “drift” on a day on which They are threatening snow.  AssHat.)

By now, you’ve got quite a few little errands and details to take care of before you can move on to the fun stuff.  (Wait…there’s gonna be fun stuff?)

If you have been having money woes lately, (Woes?  Whoa!)

they probably have much less to do with saving than they have to do with spending  (Or simply with not having any.)

— you might be focusing on fixing the wrong problem. (Note to Self: buy PowerBall™ ticket.)

Take a look at where you money is going (“You money”?  What is this, Ebonics Day?)

— are you throwing it out the window, (Is there some universe in which you could picture Us throwing money out a window?  We bend over for a penny.  (To pick it up…getcher mind out da gutter, HomeSlice.))

(We are Hooked On Ebonics.)

or investing in things? (Oh, by all means, yes, lettuce go invest in some things.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to know that, instead of “lettuce go”, We should choose either “lettuce goes” or “lettuces go”.  Ninja please.)

Get objective, third party insight, preferably from a professional.  (Preferably from a HIGHLY-TRAINED professional…try to keep up.)

Your friends would love to help, but they just don’t truly understand what the situation is. (So you’re saying We need smarter friends?)

Plus, it’s not wise to mix business and pleasure.  (It’s also not wise to mix bleach and chocolate pudding…what’s your point?)

It’s pretty much impossible to keep track of everything today. (Pessimistic defeatist bitch.)

You’re only human, after all. (Monkey pee, monkey poo.)

(We have no idea where that came from.)

 If someone’s on your case for being imperfect, it’s time to take a step back. (You know DASS right…dey bess get to steppin’.)

Maintain that all-important sense of perspective.  (Please, Escher, don’t hurt ‘em.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's. His hair was perfect.

 Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Thursday, January 24, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Alex, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  But only for the third or fourth time.  Amateur.   Also, Happy Birthday to Rob, who also turns twenty-four today.  In Colorado.  Which, as far as We are able to ascertain, is one of those large square states that make it so difficult to get to The Left Coast.  He has had more practice at it.

In other news, apparently it continues to be cold outside, facilitating the annual Chicken Versus Egg discussion as to which is colder, a witch’s tit or a preacher’s prick.  All things considered, We’re going to have to go with the witch’s tit, which is frequently referred to as being encased in a brass brassiere, as opposed to the preacher’s prick, which, depending upon the denomination of said preacher, is frequently encased in altar boy.

One has, perforce, to wonder who exactly would wear a brass brassiere, no matter what the weather is like.

Hey, EVERY day can’t be National Pie Day.  Give Us a break.

We Our Own Self Personally shall be in the studio a little later, banging out (heh) the next e-pissode of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes. Our hard-core fans (not that We’ve met any, but We hear they are both very nice) will have noticed A Missing E-Pissode…be assured that you will hear more on (heh…We said “moron”) this story as it develops.  (Hey, One can’t develop a cult following without A Missing E-Pissode.  (One also can’t develop a cult following if no one is paying attention, but that’s neither here nor Cher.)

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Every day, We go to a website listing the famous birthdays du jour, where they list the top fifty celebrities having a birthday that day.  We swear to you, today We recognize fewer names on that list of fifty than on any day in recent memory.  That said, Happy Birthday to Ernest Borgnine, and to Warren Zevon.  (Do you still have birthdays when you’re dead?)  Also, Happy Birthday to Oral Roberts.  Who the hell names their baby “Oral”?  What the hell was the matter with those parents?  And whatever happened to his brother, Anal?

 You are feeling greater responsibility for your actions — not that you ever really shirk!  (Pity that that “ehrmehgerd” meme has gone The Way Of The Dodo, or we might be tempted to sing…

Shirk-shirk-shirk

Shirk-shirk-shirk

Shirk yer birdie, shirk yer birdie…

(Sorry.))

You just realize how great the consequences can be, so you are more likely to chill out and do what’s right.  (Dass Us.  Chillin’ like Bob Dylan, in Our brass brassiere.  Somebody throw another altar boy on the fire, wouldja?)

Any issues that pop up (POP!)

around the house today won’t be terribly dramatic, but they do require your undivided attention. (Which is good, because We’re terrible at fractions.   But at least We know what they are.  Unlike fractals, which We haven’t got any idea.)

They represent a real change you need to make in yourself.  (Well, you could change “yourself” to “yes, flour”, but that really wouldn’t make any sense.)

(What?)

If there is a conflict over cleanliness, perhaps you need to get rid of the clutter in the emotional parts of your life?  (Oh, Kelli, Kelli, Kelli, Kelli, Kelli…so many C-words, so little time.  If you can guess the C-word We’re thinking of right now, We’ll call you it when We see you next Tuesday.)

Throwing out garbage doesn’t only refer to potato peels, old newspapers, and egg shells! (Is it just Us, or is there something overwhelmingly existential and sad about the phrase “old newspapers”? Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

 Your negative feelings and self-doubt may need to get tossed to the curb, too!  (What, no recycling?)

Mothering becomes an issue. (Fine.  Here is a video in which Our mother appears.  And you wonder why We have issues:

It’s time to learn how to honor that mother energy and learn to nurture yourself. (Our titz are in a brass brassiere…how much self-nurturing can We do?)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Ya gotta have heart!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, January Twenty-Turd, Twenty-TurdTeen.  Happy Birthday to Deedee, who turns twenty-four today in Northern New Jersey, where We would imagine it is even colder than it is here in Our black, black heart.  It is not, of course, Hump Day, Monday having been a holiday, but it is, We are informed, National Pie Day.  So Happy Pie Day, y’all.

“PieDay!”  We hear you ejaculate.  “But it isn’t 3/14!”

“No, indeed, it is not.”  We retort.  (Or perhaps, since it is Pie Day, We should retart.  (We shouldn’t retorte, because that would be cake.  (Does anybody know when National Cake Day is?))) “But the National Pie Council (and, seriously, how do We get a job on the National Pie Council, counseling people, “Have some pie!”?)  has declared 1/23 National Pie Day, because (wait for it)…making pie is as easy as 1-2-3.”

Except for the “pie” part, doesn’t that kinda just make ya wanna stick a fork into your jugular vein?

Cake lovers, meanwhile, will be distressed to hear that National Cake Day?  Isn’t till November 26.  We Googled it on Wikipedia for you.  Because that’s just the kind of full-service, one-stop-shopping Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! We aim to be for you.  You’re welcome.  (It occurs to Us that, although it will not be true this year, November 26 could be Thanksgiving.  Who the hell would want National Cake Day to fall on Thanksgiving?  Nobody eats cake on Thanksgiving.)

We just got two hundred and fifty words out of National Fucking Pie Day.  Which is good, because there’s not a single other damn thing going on in what passes for Our life.

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

In other news, Chita Rivera is eighty today.  Rita Moreno could not be reached for comment.

You need to speak from the heart  (And you need to stop speaking from Uranus.)

— but you need to do so in a way that acknowledges that you still have a brain!  (We could while away the hours, conferrin’ with the flowers…)

(Sorry.)

Make sure that your people (It’s been a while since she’s delusionally referred to Our imaginary people.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t seem to think that “delusionally” is a word.  Has you MET Us, Micro$oft Weird™?  Is you delusional?)

(Having just typed “delusional” and “delusionally” so many times, One is now attempting to construct a joke in which One conjugates Dom Deluise. (Relax…One is failing to do so.))

get the message in a way that only you can deliver it.  (Wouldn’t it be interesting if the meaning of “deliver” were (subjunctively) analogous to the meaning of “debone”?)

(Vacation time shares in Our mind are available all the way through March.)

(Heh.  We just mistyped “shares” as “sharts”.  Vacation time sharts.  Vacation …all I ever sharted… Vacation shart to get away…. (That was a little musical number for Our Sistah Ovella, who is under the weather.   A little The Go-Gos, to cheer her up.))

(We are now thinking up song lyrics in which We could replace “heart” with “shart”.  For example, “My Shart Belongs To Daddy”.  Sung by Miss Mary Shartin.  Or “Shart Like A Wheel”.  By Miss Linda Ronshart.)

(Oh, you love Us, you know you do!)

(Oh, wait…is Kelli still talking?)

Trying to always make everything equal between you and your friends is a total waste of time. (Much like this horoscope.)

You have to acknowledge the fact that sometimes you’ll give a little bit more and sometimes they’ll give a little bit more.  (You’ve got to give a little, take a little…(wait for it)…and let your poor shart break a little…)

(We kill Us.)

It will all equal out in the end, so stop trying to make it equal now. (Don’t tell Us what to do.  Bitch.)

You could be creating stress and turning a good day into a day full of nickel and dime arguments.  (A dime?!?  Where’d We get a dime?!?)

Just because life isn’t always fair doesn’t mean that it can’t be fun.  (In your shart of sharts, you know dat’s true.)

Anyone capable of keeping up with you is extremely happy to be along for the ride today.  (This face seats five.  Also, it’s leaving in five minutes…be on it.)

You’re even more attuned to your world and connections with other people today — and you’re extra hot!

(Whatever.  AssHat.  You just know We could not leave you without a song from the American musical theatre…”One Hand, One Shart” from West Side Story.  (You know, the one about the Jets and the Sharts.))

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

C’mon, Baby, do the locomotion

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ToothDay, January Twenty-Tooth, ToothOwsandThirteen.  (If you think We’re carrying this “tooth” motif any farther (further?), you can bite Us.)

(Heh.  SWWDT?)

“The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook.”…Julia Child

Just thought We’d throw that in there, apropos of nussing.

Meanwhile, in Our dreams (yes, yes, We know We’re not supposed to bore you by telling you about them. (Is it more, or less, boring to tell you about how We’re not telling you about them? Inquiring minds want to…well, actually, inquiring minds don’t give a shit.)), We have started editing the scripts.  For example, in one dream last night, We were visiting someone, and We changed his boyfriend into somebody more attractive to Us, to make the dream more interesting.  In a second (more complicated) dream, We wound up totally changing a major plot point right near the end, because the whole thing was becoming too bogged down in details.  Who do We need to blow to get a job at HBO?

(That last bit was a song lyric, no?)

Okay, We’re done with dreams.  And Our waking life is equally boring.  Also, Bay-Bee, it’s cold outside.  Or at least, so They tell Us.  We may find out when We go to the Eye-talian Market later.  (If they would lettuce purchase an actual Eye-talian, We might not leave OurHouseWhereWeLive till the Spring thaw.)

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

The best celebrity birthday We can come up with today is Piper Laurie.  Well, Piper Laurie and Sir Francis Bacon.  If Piper Laurie married Sir Francis Bacon, she’d be Lady Piper Laurie Bacon.  (That’s not a joke, just an observation.  (You can tell it’s not a joke, because it’s not funny.  (The jokes are the funny bits.)))

To make up for the preceding, here is a picture of Kevin Bacon naked:

(Oh, yeah, right.  Like We were gonna post the shower picture from Wild Things, and get thrown the hell out of Bloggonia.)

You are feeling a strong urge to express yourself in a new way — so get to it!  (Assuming (thereby making you think of Uma Thurman’s ass (albeit NOT showing you a picture of it)) that We were correct in that yesterday’s fart joke was Our first fart joke of 2013, the preceding sentence would be (you guessed it) Number Two.)

(Heh.  We said “Number Two”.)

You may find that your energy is perfect for something new and unique, (A nap, for example.)

and there’s no time like the present.  (Now, that’s not entirely true.  The past used to be quite like the present.  The future will, eventually, be much like the present as well.  So, essentially, Kelli, you are talking out of Uma Thurman’s ass.)

(Have We ever determined a sensible reason why Micro$oft Weird™ would recognize “Thurman” as a word, but not “Uma”?  (It’s quite clear why it recognizes “ass”.))

 You might not be in the midst of a sizzling affair, (Ya think?)

but there is certainly something exciting brewing between you and another person. (What’d’We, miss something?)

Someone is on exactly the same page with you, (Is it just Us, or does that sound a little more creepy than she probably intended it?)

either in a professional or social situation, and today brings you an opportunity to connect with them on a whole new level. (In the parking garage of Life. (Does anybody have any idea what da fuq Kelli is talking about?))

It might be up to you to get the conversation going, but once you do, the other person will drive most of the talking — and you’ll start to feel like you’ve known them all your life.  (Dr-dr-dr-drive talkin’ (Kiss Us quick, We’re a BeeGee.))

There is immense potential for motion in your love life right now  (Is it possible to even HAVE a love life without motion?  (Our Own Personal love life needs an enema.))

(Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that We replace “enema” with “enemy”.  Micro$oft Weird™ is fucked up.)

— so how do you want to get moving?   (Let’s jus’ mix up some Ex-Lax™ wit’ Our crack…)

Be active about rearranging events and you might end up with something really hot now.  (Well, if you rearrange “events”, you get “Steven”.   So who’s Steven, and how hot is he?)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.