I streamed a stream of consciousNESS

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Wednesday’sChildIsFullOfEverySha-La-La-LaEveryWhoa-Whoa-WoeKarenCarpenterIsStillDead, February 6, 2013.  (That there joke operated on so many levels that it was frightening, wunnit?  A sort of existential tone poem of a joke, if you will, Buffalo Bill coupe de ville Anita Hill.  The sort of joke a Buddhist monk might mime to his yak.  A yuk for yaks, as it (subjunctively) were.)

We may be having a stroke.  Oh, We can raise Our arms, and We can smile, but when We tried to say a sentence, it came out as one of the sentences from the preceding paragraph, so the jury is still out.

We are apparently becoming civic-minded in Our dotage.  That was Our second Public Service Announcement in two days.  Many of you are no doubt still recovering from Our breast cancer PSA video from yesterday.  Speaking of strokes.

As a matter of fact, We’re feeling so benignly benevolent and benevolently benign that We’re gonna replay that PSA just pour vous, Nanette Fabray:

For those of YouPeople who have paused long enough in your naked skimming to wonder just how We create such a bantery barrage of bon motley badinage every day before breakfast, We are here to tell you, Boris Badonov, it is almost entirely stream-of-consciousness.  Stream-of-consciousness is, of course, a literary technique perfected by noted American author William Faulkner.  We are fairly certain We’ve never read an actual word written by the illustrious Mister Faulkner, but, on multiple choice tests in high school, if they said “William Faulkner”, we were trained to bark out “stream-of-consciousness”, much like Pavlov’s dog.

Nuns are fucking hysterical, no?

Speaking of hysterical nuns, We shall be playing The VD Match Game on Friday and Saturday, February 15 and 16, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  You can obtain tickets here http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/331562 and find more info here
http://www.facebook.com/events/279672565493605/  Our Sistah Ovella, for those of you who know her, will be playing also.

Speaking of Our Sistah Ovella (is it just Us, or is the stream of Our consciousness much like a circus elephant pissing on your head and then telling you it’s raining? (Of course it isn’t, silly; circus elephants can’t talk.  (This is the same reason why those Buddhist monks had to mime to their yaks.  (Oh, look; We’ve come full circle! (To everything (turd-turd-turd) there is a season (turd-turd-turd)…)))))

What the fuck were We talking about?  Oh, yes, Our Sistah Ovella.  To cheer Ourselves up here in the dead of winter, she is coming over later and We’re gonna eat baguettes and watch French people starve to death.  That is, We’re gonna look at Our SAG screener of Less Miserable.  If We’re lucky, maybe long about the third hour, Jerry Lewis will sing a song.

As Marcel Marceau always says:

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Apparently, today is everybody’s birthday, from Axl Rose to Zsa Zsa Gabor.  (We have no idea what that means, but We do enjoy the symmetry.)

You need to snap into action today  (We’ve already had a stroke…isn’t that enough “snapping” for one day?)

— so make sure that you’re not just spinning your wheels or talking the big talk. (Also, what about Crackle?  And Pop?)

Things should start to get more interesting (Well, they certainly couldn’t get less.)

just as you’re in the thick of it all!  (Is it just Us, or did the exclamation point make that sound really dirty?)

 Seek out someone who you really respect or admire and find out how they do it. (WWWFD?)

(What Would William Faulkner Do?  (Try to keep up.  Jeebus.))

If you love how they handle themselves in a meeting, (Or if you just love how they handle their love-handles.)

ask them for pointers on how to improve your verbal communication.  (It is also Eva Braun’s birthday.  We just thought We’d throw that in there.)

If you admire the way they always get the party started, find out how you can become more outgoing.  (What if We want to become more incoming?  If you know what We mean.  And We think you do.)

Whatever you want to learn today, the best way to get your education is by asking someone who’s already doing it well. (Now We are picturing Axl Rose and Zsa Zsa Gabor sharing birthday cake.  Someone make it stop, please.)

They’ll be flattered (Or flattened.)

and will start seeing you in a more positive light.  (How ‘bout a nice bastard amber?)

Exploring some new scenes and meeting some fresh characters gives your heart the kick-start it’s desperately in need of.  (Did We mention Our stroke?  Kick-starting Our heart might not be the wisest idea…)

Now for something, and maybe even someone, entirely different!  (Whatevs.  We gotta go to the bakery for baguettes.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

You can always go DOWNTOWN!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Tuesday’sChildIsFullOfGraceMuchLikeHailMary, February 5, 2013. So We were dicking around on the WorldWideInterWebNetz, as One does, minding other people’s business, when We noticed that We have thirty-eight SitOnOurFaceBook friends who are not friends with HimSelf.  No wonder he stays in bed all day…no one likes his ass!  Loser.

Meanwhile, from The Things That Really Don’t Need To Happen Department, NBC has greenlighted a remake of the 60s-70s cop-in-a-wheelchair drama Ironside. Because folks were just CLAMORING for that.  CLAMORING, We tell ya.

In other news, is NBC still on television, or are they just radio now?

And now, an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Public Service Announcement on the subject of early detection of breast cancer:

Speaking of the WaitStaff, We shall be playing The VD Match Game on Friday and Saturday, February 15 and 16, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Please check out Our SitOnMyFaceBook event and say you’re coming:  http://www.facebook.com/events/279672565493605/  Our Sistah Ovella, for those of you who know her, will be playing also.  Get your tickets here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/331562

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

Mark Zuckerberg just liked something on FaceBook.  What does that even mean?

And here are the HorrorScopes:

In celebrity birthdays today, somebody called Jeremy Sumpter is actually turning twenty-four today.  We don’t know who the fuck he is, but We intend to spend the rest of the day looking for naked pictures of him on the InterNetz.

You’re feeling pretty independent  (Which is different than feeling pretty in Depends™.  Which has a much higher degree of difficulty.)

— even more so than usual  (Don’t pee in your panties, Darling.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Petula Clark.))

(Has anyone other than Petula Clark ever actually been named Petula?  Find out and get back to Us, won’t you?)

— and your ideas may be a little further from the mainstream than usual.  (Heh.  She said “stream”, just after We talked about peeing in Our Depends™.  Let the river run….)

See if you can just slide some in without debate.  (Exsqueeze Us?)

 A foreign person will have a very positive influence in your life today, (Catherine Deneuve…Gerard Depardieu…does Johnny Depp count as being from France?)

especially if they are a person from your past.  (What if they are a person from Our future?  We have a time machine in the credenza, you know.)

What they have to say is going to surprise you, (SURPRISE!!!)

but you should give them the benefit of any doubt.  (Why? What are they going to give Us?)

They are reaching out to you, (But are they touching Us?)

and it is a very good idea for you to reach right back. (Once more, dear friends, unto the breach…reach, reach unto the breach!  (Well, it may be Shakespeare, but it’s sure as hell no “Push, push in the bush”.))

Don’t force anything romantic right now.  (Because that?  Would be called “rape”.)

Leave yourself an emergency exit just in case things burst into flames.   (Which happens. A lot.  Especially to Us.)

Poke around in the embers (Now, that’s just dirty.)

without throwing any gas on the fire (Don’t fart on the fire, Darling…(Oh, shut up, Petula Clark.))

— remember, safety first. (Followed immediately by Jeremy Sumpter naked.  (Ooops…now people searching for “Jeremy Sumpter naked” are going to wind up here instead.  Won’t they be pissed?))

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

I love destruction

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  JustAnotherMaxFrischMonday, February 4, 2013.  Happy Belated Birthday to Christine, who turned twenty-four this weekend Somewhere (That’s Green) In Suburbia.  (We just saw a pixture of Christine on the WorldWideInetrWebNetz…We have those very sunglasses!) Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Terry, who also turned twenty-four this weekend, right in Our very Own neighborhood. (We still didn’t get any cake.)  As for the rest of YouPeople, Happy Belated Groundhog Day (again), and Happy Belated Feast of Saint Blaise.

(Is it just Us, or if you met someone these days whose name was Blaise, would you pretty much expect him NOT to be a saint?  We are thinking Blaise would be a professional mechanical bull rider.  Or a porn star.  Which is kind of the same thing.)

Speaking of the InterNetz, this just in from them:  Vagina jokes are never funny.  Period.

In other news, We had an email rejecting Us from the project We spent most of last week applying for. Which was no particular surprise, and was actually quite polite.  Especially when compared to all those folks to whom We have sent emails, texts, tweets, and smoke signals, only to be left twisting answerless in the breeze.

We shall now be breaking Our moratorium on dream stories, to bring you a rather unique update.  Those of you who find other people’s dreams boring need to nakedly skim ahead several paragraphs now.  This dream involved Joanne, who is a member of the WaitStaff.  To the best of Our recollection, this is the first dream of Ours in which she has appeared.  In Our dream, not only was she a member of the WaitStaff, but also, she was a member of the cast of Glee,  a position which she had apparently held for quite some time in addition to her WaitStaff position, and which everyone seemed to think was no particular big deal.  In the episode of Glee being shot in this dream, Joanne was singing “I Love Destruction” in preparation for her character burning down the school.

(It should be noted that “I Love Destruction” is a song by Cyco Miko, which We didn’t even realize We knew until We Googled it on Wikipedia upon waking up.  And We are still unclear as to where We ever heard it before.)

Our dream never got as far as the actual arson, although there was a very complicated dolly/tracking shot in which Joanne sang her way up three flights of stairs.  She was wearing a yellow dress.  And makeup.

This dream was a lot more interesting in Our dream.

Speaking of the WaitStaff, We shall be playing The VD Match Game on Friday and Saturday, February 15 and 16, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Please check out Our SitOnMyFaceBook event and say you’re coming:  http://www.facebook.com/events/279672565493605/

In other other news, Karen Carpenter has been dead for thirty years today.  Rainy days and Mondays always fuck a clown.

On the other hand, Alice Cooper is still alive (We almost said “still very much alive”, but that would have required Us to send a fact-checker) and celebrating his sixty-fifth birthday today.  School’s out for EVAH!

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Your emotional side is getting a workout today (Kiss Us quick, We’re Richard Simmons.)

— but that’s more good than bad.  (Should We be wearing a headband?)

For one thing, there are plenty of positive emotions; for another, you don’t want your feelings to get flabby!  (What, they don’t make Spanx™ for that?)

Your compassionate nature has helped you create some very strong relationships.  (Well, naturally.  Ever since We learned to fake sincerity, We’ve had it made.)

But your compassion can sometimes cause you to get upset about problems that are not yours to be upset about. (That would seem to be a problem.  Which would be Ours about which to be upset.)

(This is way too complicated for a Monday.)

Other peoples’ problems are, by definition, theirs! And they need to solve them. You can’t get so involved that you suffer sleepless nights!  (Is anyone else wondering why the middle sentence didn’t merit an exclamation point?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Try letting go: (Oh, Honey.  You do NOT want US to take off Our emotional Spanx™.)

After all, they came to you for guidance and support, not a quick fix. (Heroin: it’s not just for breakfast any more.)

(What?)

Let a certain someone in a little deeper today. (Hello, Blaise?)

Be honest about your dreams and ambitions, and don’t hold back. (Do you think they’ll pay Us for Our episode of Glee?)

Let the conversation get more intimate than usual. (Talk to Our ass; Our head has had enough.)

If you feel uncomfortable at any time, pull back. (And right away We’re in the gutter again…)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

This boy is a bottom

Hello, Ducks!

(How gay is Donald Duck?)

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  FriDay Friseé  FritoLay™ Frijole Fabergé Fifi D’Orsay…well, apparently no one is going to slap Us so We stop, so We shall have to stop Our Own Self.  Gob stoppers those who stopper theyselves, and all that.  Happy February Oneth to Oneth And All.  Unlike last year, this year February has a mere twenty-eight days, therefore, theoretically, if We made it through January, We should be able to make it through February even faster.

Math is hard.

Happy Birthday in advance to Christine, who turns twenty-four tomorrow somewhere in suburbia.

Meanwhile, We were updating Our SitOnOurFaceBook page yesterday, when all of a sudden this happened:  http://www.kennethinthe212.com/2013/01/caption-me_31.html  So go and add a caption, already.

In other news, Gentle Readers, We are here, amongst other reasons, to make YouPeople feel that your lives are better by comparison.  We are NOT here for you to stick random pins into Us when the spirit moves you.  Lettuce illustrate…Our Google-O-Meter™ keeps Us informed of many fascinating statistics concerning these hallowed pages.  For instance, We first referenced The Lovely And Talented Willam Belli herein on February 5, 2010, and have, according to Our index, referenced him an additional twenty-eight times (that’s nine times more than Shakespeare, for those of you keeping count.  Because We?  Are a big ol’ name-dropping name-dropper who drops name like a big ol’ name-dropping name-dropper with a name-dropping problem). In addition to dropping his name, We have embedded any number of his videos herein, including but not limited to the trailers for Tranny McGuyver and Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives, as well as the music videos for The Vagina Song and Chow Down At Chik-Fil-A.

(Here, to break up the enormousness of this ranty-rant paragraph, is his latest music video, Boy Is A Bottom.  (If you need Us to tell you that this is NOT safe for work, you need more help than this little ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) can give you)):

At any rate, Our point is…well, it wouldn’t be very nice to continue to Our point, which, as near as We can tell, We’ve already made.  KThxBye.

(Did anyone come up with an answer for “How gay is Donald Duck?” yet?  Do We have to do EVERYTHING Ourself???)

Meanwhile, if you are at work and would like a SAFE for work video, here is this, in which The Muppets spoof Downton Abbey. (We cannot help but think, however, that the thing would have been vastly better with the real Maggie Smith and the Muppet butler.):

http://tv.yahoo.com/news/-sesame-street--takes-on--downton-abbey--with--upside-downton-abbey---exclusive-video--005730445.html?utm_source=Twitter&utm_medium=channel&utm_campaign=PBS

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Yesterday was Justin Timberlake and Carol Channing’s birthday; today is Lisa Marie Presley and Pauly Shore’s birthday.  Yesterday wins.

Try not to get all worked up over your new idea or plan — things need to settle down in your life before you can do your own thing. (So who else’s thing should We do until then?)

It’s far better to help those around you with group plans.  (You say “group plans”, We say “orgy”.  Po-tay-to, po-tah-to, syphilis, gonorrhea, let’s call the hole the Holland Tunnel.)

(There’s just nothing like a Gershwin tune, is there?)

 Without realizing how or when it happened, (Wha’ happened?)

you may find yourself smack dab in the middle of another conflict today. (Once you’ve had smack, you’ll never smoke crack.  Also, a little dab’ll do ya.)

(What?)

But all you need to do is call upon your highly sophisticated mediation skills (Ah, yes.  The old “highly sophisticated mediation skills” trick.)

and you will navigate these potentially stormy waters without any difficulty.  (Except, perhaps, for the difficulty We have believing that.)

Your smile can make peace.  (Lord, make Us an instrument of Your peace.  Preferably a big ol’ organ.  Just sayin’.)

What you should always remember is that people want to be liked. (Also, the Alamo.)

Try to keep everyone cheerful  (Even Bashful, Grumpy, and Dopey?)

and delegate responsibility to the people who really deserve it.  (Deserve what?)

 Issues concerning partnerships versus independence may be arising for you now, and it may well be a grass-is-greener situation.  (Oh, please.  We haven’t had grass in years.)

Concentrate on appreciating the good aspects of what you’ve got.  (Okay, that?  Sounds like A LOT of work.)

(But seriously, how gay is Donald Duck?)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.