It's the business end of a loaded gun

Greetings, Erogenous Rezoning Induces Chafing---

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, January 14, 2010 (No, boyzzz and gurrrlllzzz, it was not all a dream...We really are a Blogger Of The Modern Age. So dazzled were We by Our new position (ahem) that We totally forgot to wish John G a happy twenty-fourth birthday yesterday. Also, happy birthday to Ed, who turns twenty-four today.):

(Turns out, We have actually been using Google's blogger for quite some time, unbeknownst to Our Own Self. The lovely and talented Willam Belli's blog is on here, and We clicked some button that made Us a follower. Unfortunately, We have yet to find the button that says "send Us an email when the blogs We follow update", so We've still had to go manually looking (and We will keep sending all y'all emails when We update, so you won't miss a scintillating second). But if any of all y'all figger out how to activate automatic notifications, do please let Us know. (For those with inquiring minds who want to know, Willam's blog is http://itaintwilliam.blogspot.com/ .))

(Is it just Us, or does "manually looking" sound like something entirely different than what We intended it to mean? Perhaps it's the term for hunting through your SitOnMyFaceBook friends' friends for cute bois...or perhaps it's how people in Southern California find gardeners.)

(Hey, just because We have a blog now doesn't mean We're gonna go all politically correct on yo' @sses.)

(Speaking of which, We're just two days away from the eve of Martin Luther King Day Eve. We trust you've got all your cards addressed and your presents wrapped. Our radio is tuned to the All Martin Luther King Day Carols All The Time station, and We'll be trimming Our tree just as soon as We finish here.)

(Oh, you do so too hunt through your SitOnMyFaceBook friends' friends for cute bois...don't you lie to Us.)

(Today's pixture, meanwhile, is apropos of absolutely nothing, although it might amuse those who were kind enough to show up for the WaitStaff Christmas show. We are well aware, however, that We are working in a viZZZual medium, so We will make every effort to keep all y'all viZZZually stimulated.)

(And now, OUR-O-Scope.)

Things unfolding now can have consequences into the future. (As opposed to what? The past? Aren't consequences by definition of the future? Shut. Up. @sshat.)

This can be good or not so good (Or, maybe, BAD?)

but there are fabulous planetary configurations (Okay, you just know you have to go back and re-read "fabulous planetary configurations" out loud, with jazz hands.)

in amongst the more difficult ones. (We are two sentences into this horoscope, and We still have not a clue as to what this Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) is ranting on about. It's like trying to order Chinese food for delivery using two Dixie™ cups and a string.)

(Oh, don't pretend you don't know exactly what We're talking about.)

(Extremely astute readers will note that, just yesterday, We said We hadn't yet figgered out how to do Our "TM=trademark" symbol here in Bloggonia, and yet, there it is in the pre-preceding paragraph, big as life. How did We do it? We typed it in Micro$oft Weird™ and copied it over, that's how. Because there's more than one way to skin a cat. And, once it's skinned, you can make moo goo gai pan and bling it on a bicycre.)

(We wonder if today's horoscope will cause ads for Chinese restaurants to suddenly appear amongst Our contextually appropriate advertising. (We also wonder what happens when you click on some of that cr@p. So let Us know, wouldja, because We're not allowed.))

First, there's a solar eclipse happening today in your career sector which could mean big changes coming up for you in this area. (Well, We don't know what exactly you think is gonna change, but We bet We don't find a job in the dark.)

Whether you want to change jobs or careers, (Honey, We don't want a job or a career, We just want a paycheck.)

do some extra study to improve your chances in the future, (How hard would We have to study to improve Our chances in the past?)

or tell the boss where he can get off, (Why would We tell him that when We can't even get off Our Own Self?)

you'll find more success by sending out positive messages about the future. (Oh, blah-blah-blah, creative viZZZualization. Every week, We creatively viZZZualize exactly what We will do when We win PowerBall™. Every week, it doesn't happen. So shut your PollyannaOptimisticCreativelyViZZZualizing CakeHoles, before We shut 'em for ya with a staple gun.)

Secondly, Mercury, the planet of communications is going forward after three weeks of being retrograde. (And you don't even wanna KNOW what Uranus, the planet of constipation, is gonna do.)

Make up your wish list around what you want career wise and remember that things are not quick to move right now with Mars retrograde. (That's not what Uranus said.)

The Sabian Symbol for Mars right now is Leo 16: Brilliant Sunshine Just After a Storm. (What the
fu(k language was THAT?)

Concentrate on that silver lining! (Indeed...We'll no doubt be expected to polish it.)

(YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com/

if it says "cowgrass cowgrass cowgrass" on the label label label, you will like it, like it, like it on your table table table...)

A whole new world...

Greetings, Excitement! Rapture! Incandescent Cheer!---

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, January 13, 2010 (And the very happiest of Hump Days to all you Humpers and Humpettes out there in Hump-Hump Land! Oh, my dears...We are so excited, We can barely contain Our very selves! (In fact, We are pretty sure that a little bit of Us may have actually escaped earlier. (Wasn't that a tasteful way to say "queef"? (And wasn't that a tasty dish to set before the king?))) Here We are with Our very own BLOG! Why, We feel just like Betty Crocker must have felt when she saw her very first microwave oven. And said, "What the fu(k am I gonna do with THAT?!?" The world is Our oyster now, Bay-Bee! (Also, Neptune is Our mussel, and Uranus is Our calamari, but that's a wh0re of another color.) We can bold, we can italicize, we can come in colors...(although We have yet to figger out how to make that TM=trademark symbol that We like, and We aren't being spellchecked as We go along. Which is problematicalicious, in that, while We can spell reasonably well, We can't type for sh1t...). But still, look at Us, We're a BLOGGER! With contextually appropriate advertising and everything!):

(While We're waxing pathetic (and We see you, in the corner, waxing the carrot...please knock that off; it's very distracting. Even though it's only a baby carrot) about the Brave New Universe in which We find Ourselves, We should also point out that We can do pictures and video now, too. (Well, We tried to do a pixture here, but it keeps putting it at the top instead. Clearly, We shall have to read more of the destructions. However, We can also do video, and We don't care where that goes, so here. (Hmmm...that didn't work so well either.

(Now We're waiting while it's "processing" Our video. (Is it p00p yet?) While We wait, a bit of Eric's Daily Horoscope history for those of you who may be new to Us. Way back when the Earth was cooling, in 2001, (Oh, look...Our video appears to be processed. Much like processed cheese food. Velveeta! Velveeta! Don't cry for me, Ike and Tina, and all that) a friend used to email Us Our daily horoscope on occasions when it was particularly Pollyanna-ish and, thus, completely unrelated to Our own life. On the first such occasion, We responded with some scintillating bon mot no doubt not unlike "Our horoscope can go fu(k itself". When this did not deter the arrival of subsequent putridly optimistic horoscopular rantings, it became clear to Us that We were being called upon to tell said horoscopes exactly where they could go and exactly what they could do when they got there, and Eric's Daily Horoscope was born.)

(And now, a word about the pixture which We have had to leave at the top of this installment, as We cannot induce it to go anywhere else. Tempted though We are to pass that off as a pixture of Our very Own Self to fool those of you who do not know Us personally, We cannot tell a lie. (Well, actually We can, and We can do a pretty d@mn fine job of it. But We're not lying to you now. (Or ARE We?)) Every so often, One is fortunate in this life to encounter a person who, by sheer force of positive personality, makes it seem as though any old thing is possible if you just try to do it. And about one out of ten of those people manage to do that without making you wanna puke up your own spleen. Now, We should make it clear that We are not one of those people (we mean the positive personality kind...We're pretty sure We occasionally make you wanna puke up your own spleen). If it depended upon Us, no light bulb would have ever gone off over Thomas Algae Edison's head, the Wright Brothers would have been Wrong, and Billy Joe McAllister would have jumped off the Tallahatchie bridge a whole lot sooner. The gentleman in the picture, however, is one of those people, and as such, is The Patron Saint Of The Eric's Daily Horoscope Blog For The New Millennium, in addition to being Our future ex-husband. (Those of you who actually know the gentleman in question may wonder how he can possibly be Our future ex-husband when he is already in a committed relationship. It's a simple summer soap opera plot involving amnesia and multiple personalities. It all gets wrapped up in one thirteen-week cycle, and nobody is the wiser. Except that We eventually give birth to twins, one good and one evil...(Hey, We don't watch The Young And The Rest Of Us for nothing...)))

(So how many of all y'all are still scratching your heads over the Billy Joe McAllister reference? It's not just any old blog that can call to mind the song stylings of Miss Bobbie Gentry...)

(Meanwhile, it appears we've done everything We came here to do, except for a horoscope. There are examples of those down below, though, for you newbies, and We are out of time. So here is the link to YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com/

you've tried scrubbing, you've tried soaking, and still you hear, "ring around the cowgrass!")

Let's all congratulate us with another cup of tea. A very merry unbirthday to you!

Greetings, Excedrin™ Reduces Inflamed Colon:

(Heh. Instead of Our usual row of dashes, We put a colon after “Colon”. Are We ten of the funniest people you know, or what?)

Here is your horoscope for Monday, January 11, 2010 (Happy Monday to all of Our faithful readers who are out in the world Mondaying. Here at Eric’s Daily Horoscope Headquarters, We have almost had a terrible snafu (gesundheit (thank you)). We were dawdling about, working Our wits up to begin Our quasi-daily screed (Quasi-Daily Screed being, of course, the name of a Norwegian archbishop (no, We have no idea….just go with it)) when We chanced to dip a toe into SitOnMyFaceBook, which promptly informed Us that today is the anniversary of MizCynthia’s nativity. No, no, sez We; according to the Eric’s Daily Horoscope Official Birthday Calendar, the anniversary of MizCynthia’s nativity is not till Wednesday the 13th. But, being the stickler for details (and dickler for sea snails, but We digress) that We are, We trundled right on over to MizCynthia’s very own SitOnMyFaceBook page (which, it will surprise no one, is entitled “SitOnJohnnyDepp’sFaceBookPage”) where We learned that the anniversary of MizCynthia’s nativity is indeed today. And, since she is only turning twenty-four, she is not yet so advanced in years as to have forgotten the date of the anniversary of her own nativity, so clearly the Eric’s Daily Horoscope Official Birthday Calendar is wrong. (You’ll never see Kelli @sshat Fox making an admission like THAT.)):

(All of which is a very long roundabout way of getting to: Happy birthday, MizCynthia!)

(Careful readers who are also sticklers for details/dicklers for sea snails (that just doesn’t get old, does it?) will recall that one of the only things We regretted about losing the back-alley ab0rtion that used to pass for Our job was the fact that We ALSO lost Our daily calendar, which contained birthday information that may not have been housed elsewhere. So, if you are a Faithful Reader (or, especially, an Old Faithful Reader (look out for that geyser!)), and We should neglect to felicitate you on the anniversary of YOUR nativity, please do not be offended, and by all means point out Our omission to Us, so that We can amend Eric’s Daily Horoscope Official Birthday Calendar for future reference.)

(We now return to Our regularly-scheduled Our-O-Scope, already in progress.)

(But first, for Our fellow LOST fans, this, from Our friends at Dr.CoolSex: (work safe (despite the name Dr.CoolSex)) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gHo4WwO2Uc )

A Sun-Venus conjunction, as they link Uranus tomorrow, (Hey! WE do the Uranus jokes around here, ThankYouVeryMuch!)
suggests you could be in line for achieving great success professionally. (Mmm-hmm. But first, We’re gonna need a profession. We were thinking of “h00ker with a heart of gold”, but (A.) there’s that whole “heartless” thing, and (2.) We can’t even give it away. Sigh.)
It may come as surprise (SURPRISE!!!)
but this is your destiny. (Wow. When did THAT manifest itself? (Heh. From the people who brought a colon after “Colon”, possibly the first-ever “Manifest Destiny” joke. Wildly entertaining AND madly educational, We are. Always after me Chucky’s arms…they’re spastically auspicious.))

(Whaddaya mean, “off Our meds”?)

You are setting the foundations (Easy sleazy beautiful CoverGirl™.)
for something that can catapult (catamaran, catatonia, catawumpus)
yourself to new heights of success, building into a rich empire over time. (Oh, sure. We catapulted to the heights of success, and all We got was this lousy empire.)

But wait (There’s more! Mail before midnight tonight and receive this complete set of Ginsu steak knives. So that, if you ever figger out what the fu(k is a Ginsu steak, you’ll have something to cut it with.)
a couple of days till Mercury is direct and the New Moon to set things in motion. (Okay, even if you totally ignore the “Ginsu steak” part, there’s STILL something wrong with that sentence. And yet, this b1tch gets paid, and We don’t. The h3ll?)

A partner could be instrumental in your success, (Oh, so now all We need is a partner with an instrument? Of course, with Our luck, it’ll be a tuba. Or a glockenspiel. Jew’s harp, don’t’cha know. Tissue paper and a comb. Our world, and welcome to it.)
so don't be afraid to share the limelight. (Also the key lime pie. Because, mmmm, pie.)

No one could take the place of your creative genius behind this operation. (Yeah. That’s just what We were thinking. Except, of course, for the creative part. And the genius part. Operation: remove funny bone. Ha. Ha. Ha.)

(YOUR-O-Scopes. Read ‘em and queef.)


Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a Chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That's just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won't actually need it, but it'll make you feel better to be prepared.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodeling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Money will come from an unexpected source. If you put it in a mesh bag and run it through the washer, you'll get most of the smell out.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling pot stickers at people you've never met.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will realize soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodeling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting -- people say it's wonderfully relaxing.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection "Yo Mama By The River".
you sweet talker, cowgrass crocker

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Had the bingo-bongos done…shake your new maracas and you’re fine!

Greetings, Epistle Response Infuriates Corinthians---

Here is your horoscope for Friday, January 8, 2010 (So. Happy Friday, to those to whom that still means something. Some of Us learned that it had snowed (snown? snew? (Nuttin’…what snew witchoo?)) overnight by reading it on the WorldWideInterWebNetz this morning. (If you’ve ever been to OurHouseWhereWeLive, you will realize that there is no earthly reason to EVER look out a window.) Speaking of the WorldWideInterWebNetz, apparently WorldWideInterWebNetzian wimminfolk spent all day yesterday updating their SitOnMyFaceBook statuses with the color of their brassieres to promote “breast cancer awareness”. Now, We’re very sorry, but if you can operate a computer, navigate the WorldWideInterWebNetz, and maintain a SitOnMyFaceBook page, and have STILL managed to remain somehow UNaware of the existence of breast cancer, We really think you need to just back slowly away from the keyboard. Also too, half of you ladies who spent the day coyly typing things like “lavender” and “aubergine” know d@mn well the real answer was “dingy off-white because it won’t quite come clean in the wash”. Jeebus.):

(Meanwhile, Micro$oft Weird ™ wants Us to change “aubergine” to “aborigine”. Proof positive (as if proof were (subjunctively) still required) of the heteros3xuality of Bill Gates.)

(In still other news, We just realized yesterday that the reason people have names is so you can talk about them behind their backs.)

(“Killer bees attack GLEE!” Who dreams up these things? We do. Literally, dreams. And yet, We are not employed in some creative field somewhere. The world is a cruel place. And yet, not at all unusual.)

(Speaking of creativity, OurHouseWhereWeLive, and executive decisions, We have decided that We like OurHouseWhereWeLive oh so much better with a Christmas tree in the middle of it. So We may just leave it there. Because We can.)

(Well, time to get on with Our-O-Scope, before We go to pillage the Ack-A-Me. (For those of you who are jealous of Us (yeah, right) because We can go to the Ack-A-Me during the day on a weekday, let Us just assure you that, while it is indeed less crowded than on evenings or weekends, the people who are there are all old, and, consequently, everything takes just as long as it would if it were crowded.))

(Oh, and, speaking of shopping, and jealous, would it be wrong to point out that, as of yesterday, We have about half of Our Christmas shopping done for next year? Don’t hate Us because We’re beautiful…)

You and your family are entering a time of renewal (What are We, library books?)
-- which is extremely important, of course, but can also be intensely uncomfortable. (Almost everything is intensely uncomfortable when you’re wearing a brass brassiere.)

(Words to live by, no? Ladies…raise your hand if your SitOnMyFaceBook status yesterday was “brass”. Anyone? Beuller?)

Remember that it doesn't last very long and ride it out. (That’s what she said. Also, that was Our nickname in high school. You say “horoscope”, We say “wh0rehouse”, let’s call the whole thing awful.)

You're already famous for being aggressive, (True. And yet, no matter how aggressive We get about being famous, We just can’t seem to cut it.)
but to say that you'll be a bit bold in your approach to someone new won't quite cover it. (Well, ya better cover it, ‘cause it’s COLD.)

You'll be well past bold. (And yet, nowhere near beautiful.)

In fact, you'll cross over into a behavioral territory that can only be referred to as brazen. (As We just said earlier, almost everything is intensely uncomfortable when you’re wearing a braz brazziere.)

(Some of you were no doubt expecting a nun joke, using the phrase “bold, brazen article”. We are, however, too young to have been taught by nuns who said “bold, brazen article”. When WE were taught by nuns, you could already see their feet.)

So if a third party (Wait…there’s a party?)
is foolish enough to stand between you and the object of your affection -- well, let's just say they won't be standing in that spot for long. (“They won't be standing in that spot for long.” (Hey, We ALWAYS do what We’re told…We were taught by nuns. (Taught by nuns…raised by wolves…hmm…the similarities are frightening.)))

For better or worse, your love life isn't a cheesy sitcom: There's no soundtrack and no pat, formulaic ending. (Also, no cheese, no sit, and no com. Basically, there’s a test pattern and not much else. Sigh.)

Instead, the situation is much more real, touching and, yes, complicated than that. (See? And here all y’all thought “sitcom” meant “situation comedy”; turns out, it means “situation complicated”. “SNAFU”, on the other hand, means exactly what you always thought it did.)

(YOUR-O-Scopes. Happy weekend!)


Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will hear a mysterious "whapping" sound as you are passing by a church today. Curiosity will get the better of you, and you will peek inside. To your relief you will discover it's only the nuns, playing a quick game of dodge-ball.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Someone named "Bob" is plotting to whap you with a calla lily. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You'll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today will be one of those days when everything reminds you of wild hickory nuts. Tomorrow: everything reminds you of peach yogurt.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours "The Federation Starship Intrepid". And always do that little two-finger wave and say "engage", when you start off, of course.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone's office window.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don't worry, though. That's normal.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase "Careful, filling is hot!".

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don't even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week - buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Excellent time for you to reconsider your choice of employment. Are you working towards a specific goal, or are you merely drifting? Are you temperamentally suited to your current career? Remember: money isn't everything. It could well be that you'd be much happier in a job where you could dress up as a giant chicken. In fact, in your case, that's virtually certain.
the cowgrass goes in before the name goes on

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Let the sun shine, let the sunshine in

Greetings, Educating Retard’s Idiot Cousins---

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, January 06, 2010 (We just realized all of a sudden that today is the Epiphany. (We wish We could take credit for that joke, but We cannot. One of Our ex-sons-in-law said that on the WorldWideInterWebNetz this morning. (It occurs to Us that there may be those Eric’s Daily Horoscope readers who prefer their jokes to be more of the “p00p” variety, and who, consequently, find the preceding joke too suBtle for their tastes. Because, here at Eric’s Daily Horoscope, We are NOTHING if not the suBtlest suBtle that ever suBtled. We shall, therefore, pause here and wait while you go and read it again. Try not to move your lips.))):

(It is also, as the more astute (to say nothing of the moribund) among you will be aware, Hump Day. However, as you will also be aware, We ran out of jokes about that YEARS ago.)

(Meanwhile, the movie buffs among you will be champing at the bit to share your trivia knowledge that “Educating Retard” was the working title of that Michael Caine movie back when Nicolas Cage was originally supposed to play Caine’s role. Which segues Us nicely (what’s a segue? About a pound and a half) to this, which is safe for work (whatever THAT is): http://niccageaseveryone.blogspot.com/ )

(And now, before We arrive at The Horoscope Proper (because, in addition to being suBtle, We are also nothing if not Proper), We have a complaint (you’re shocked, We realize). While We are grateful not to have to be dragging Our ever-increasing @ssz out of Our cozy bed at the cr@ck of said @ssz in the morning to haul it out into nuclear winter and put it on public transportation, We can still feel Ourselves being slowly but Shirley overcome by Our usual Seasonal Affective Disorder, the telltale signs of which include general malaise (more than usual, even), agoraphobia (fear of sweaters (see what We did there?)), and the expansion of every mundane task to at least four times its normal length. So Our question is this: what jackass thought THIS would be a good time of year to switch to a new year and talk about resolutions? Why not wait till the beginning of the ASSTROMALOGICAL year in March, when there are some signs of things like renewal, and spring, and fresh starts? Must We think of EVERYTHING around here? Jeebus!)

(In other news, for those of you who have JAWBS, and are bored (did We just redundantly repeat the same thing twice? We think We did), here is a little safe-for-work game to drive you mad: http://armorgames.com/play/4309/this-is-the-only-level . You’re welcome.)

Today's third quarter Moon phase is all about reorientation. (“Reorientation” is, of course, the science of calculating how many Orientals you can fit into a Toyota. See also: Chinese fire drill. (SuBtle, Proper, and Politically Correct, We are.))

Choices that challenge you to rethink how you're juggling career and relationships are likely. (Have you met Us? Because, if you had, you would realize that We have not the hand-eye coordination for the juggling. We would be hard-pressed to keep ONE ball in the air, so it is totally unclear to Us what We’re doing with two. (Isn’t the suBtlety simply PENETRATING in here this morning?))

Inner frustration (Was Our nickname in high school?)
is designed to bring your complete awareness to a simple concern you've been avoiding. (Wait…you mean buying PowerBall™ tickets does NOT constitute a financial plan?)

With the Moon in diplomatic Libra, (That’s amore! When an eel bites your heel while he’s copping a feel, that’s a moray.)
talking through your decisions helps you make the right one. (The phrase “talking through your hat” just leapt unbidden into what passes for Our mind. And, while We understand what it is meant to convey, We are not exactly sure of why. Stay here for a moo-moo while We go do a little research….We’re back, with this: http://www.phrases.org.uk/bulletin_board/41/messages/131.html . It may or may not be true, but ya gotta love any elucidation that has Mormons in it.)

It's not a day for going it alone, (Well, then WE’RE sh1t-outta-luck.)
so draw on the support around you (Mmm-hmm…speaking of support, if We’ve been waiting for a return email and/or phone call since, say, July, can We pretty much assume it’s not coming?)
- both at work and in terms of relationships. (That ship has apparently sailed.)

Reorient (With six, you get egg roll.)
your inner compass (Was that an ass joke?)
so you have a better fix (Heroin…it’s what’s for dinner.)
on what needs most of your attention now. (Attention and asstension, you will note, are two different things.)

Is it work or love? (Also, I wonder, wonder who, oh tell me who, who wrote the book of love. Also also, who names their band “The Monotones”?)

(YOUR-O-Scopes…hey, We gots a Epiphany tree to puts up.)


Aries (March 21 - April 19)
In a stroke of pure marketing genius, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passersby will actually fall over laughing.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn't work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You look ridiculous in that. Go and change.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! "A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites" is not likely to be published. But "A Bucket Full Of Leeches"? Now that's another story.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Excellent time to make up your own names for kitchen implements. You'll discover that you don't have nearly enough sticklers, but that you have every reason to be proud of your flatula.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the "Bob" invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get "stuck" like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!
cowgrass...it's in there

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Bay-Bee, it’s cold outside

Greetings, Eccentric Rapist Instigates Chastity---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, January 04, 2010 (Well, happy d@mn new year, y’all. And happy Monday. Poised though We are to go all New Millennium on yo’ @sses and enter the Blog-O-Sphere, We just couldn’t ask you to cope with one more new and different thing on this heinous back-to-the-office Monday. Particularly as We lolled about (which, We should point out, is not at all the same thing as “LOLed about”) in Our ever-so-cozy bed while all y’all slogged through the frigidity. You’re welcome.):

(We would make some effort to recap Our Christmas shenanigans at this juncture, but that would be a week and a half’s worth of updates. Why, the bizarre dreams alone would be a novella. A telenovella. Stella’s telenovella. Stella’s telenovella, with some fella’s umbrella, smell a vanilla patella, Stella.)

(You DID sing that last bit, didn’t you? If not, We’ll wait while you go back. (To the tune of “The Name Game” for the musical ‘tards amongst you…ready, set, go! (See? Isn’t your Monday just a little bit brighter already? You’re welcome…AGAIN. (And what have YOU done for US lately?))))

(Those of you who are unwilling or unable to accept the bastardized pronunciation of “vanilla” as “vanella” can just go back and rewrite the whole thing for Us, starring Magilla Gorilla. Also, you can kiss Our grits. Which have been conveniently shoved up Our @ss. (Hey, it’s a new year, and We have turned over a new leaf. Unfortunately for you, it was poison ivy.))

(Also, We know you are waiting with bated breath (and, parenthetically (hence (say it with Us) the parentheses), We are aware that long-time Eric’s Daily Horoscope readers have certainly assimilated the correctness of “bated breath” versus the incorrectivity of (and, indeed, disgustingancigation of) “baited breath”. Indeed, We are WELL aware, as We recall just how very long a time We had to wait for you to master “bated breath”.)…

(We’re gonna pause right in mid-parenthetical for a rousing SEE WHAT WE DID THERE?)

…for Our promised revitalization (there were no parentheses at the beginning because it was a continuation of the preceding parenthetical. Try to keep up. Jeebus!) of Our archival versions. Soon, Glasshoppah, velly soon. But if you’d like to whet your appetite (or wet your whistle, or whittle your…well, never mind), go here: http://www.lulu.com/epsingel .)

(And now, like sands through the hourglass, (or, alternatively, like sh1t through a goose), these are the Dayz of Our Livez…)

Your work, health and daily routines are highlighted by the Moon today. (Well, when the Moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, what the h3ll does that even MEAN?)

Take a moment to consider how fulfilled you are from one day to the next. (Mmm-hmm. NOT a good idea. One moment, We’re “taking a moment to consider”; next thing ya know, We’re “heading to the belltower with an Uzi”.)

Are you getting enough time to eat well (Oh, please…have you SEEN Our @ssz lately? (Well, clearly it’s impossible to see it all at the same time. We now have a tattoo on it that says “To be continued”. We had hired a midget to follow Us about with a wheelbarrow, but We forgot Ourself and sat down. Fortunately, the midget was able to get out, but he left the wheelbarrow up there. (We’re a little pressed for time…if We just tell you that there’s supposed to be a “valet parking” joke here, can you fill it in your own selves? KThxBye.)))

and rest deeply? (Well, not as deep as the wheelbarrow.)

(Heh. We kill Us.)

Does your current schedule give you space to enjoy quality time with those you love? (Clearly, “quality time” is a euphemism. You decide for what.)

Efficiency is the name of the game today (No. No, it isn’t. As We have clearly already established, the name of the game today is either “Stella” or “Magilla Gorilla”, depending on how you choose to pronounce “vanilla”. Try to pay some g0dd@mn attention.)

so if you need time or space to rework a more practical routine, take it. (Somehow, that makes Us think of baton twirling. There’re two brain cells We’ll never get back.)

Colleagues are more supportive of your shifting priorities than you realize. (Well, maybe, but We sure did p1ss off the midget.)

(Heh.)

(YOUR-O-Scopes.)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nosehair day.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber ducky, you'll need to get that first, of course.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Avoid alternative music, today. Also, try to find what's making that nasty smell in the fridge, before it gets worse.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a "ping" sound rather than a "pop". That's a bad habit, anyway.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.
cowgrass...just do me

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