Oops! ... I did it again. I played with your heart, got lost in the game.

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You know he smells just like a brand new car, 'cause everything he owns is leather!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Winzdee, June 22, 2011.  Happy birthday to Chris, who turns twenty-four today, and has already received, watched, and expressed gratitude for his Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video.  Which can be found right here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  , for those of you who were nakedly skimming yesterday. And speaking of the rest of you, Happy Hump Day.  The fact that it may NOT be your birthday doesn’t mean you need to deprive yourselves of the joys of Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video.  Which can be found right here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM .

Apparently, there was some confusion about last month’s installment of Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope video.  (Which can be found right here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBwdacfn2Vk   )  To wit, some of you assumed that We were sharing a pretty blue link for you to look at and admire.   Here’s the thing.  We actually want you to CLICK on the link, GO to YouTube, WATCH Our video, CLICK the like button, and SHARE it with your friends.

Now, We realize that that sounds like a lot of work.  But it’s nowhere near as much work as it was to wriggle into pantyhose during a heatwave to make the damn video in the first place.  Also, We have included even more names in the Birthday Wishes section this time, so that if you have a friend with the same name and a Cancer birthday, you can forward Our video to them and claim you got Us to mention them by name specially.  We’ll even back your lying ass up.  Because that’s just the kind of full-service Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) We are.

Did that all sound vaguely familiar to you?  As if you may have nakedly skimmed it only just yesterday?  Well, that’s what you get for leaving Our poor Gemini video twisting in the wind with only four “Likes” on its sorry ass, two of them being Our Own and Our assless-chapped director’s.

We may have just given Ourselves the vapors.

In other news, We realize that, in Our ascent to WorldWideInterWebNetzian superstardom, We have been neglecting recently to keep you abreast of Himself’s pathetic activities.  When last heard from, he was still fast abed, having actual dreams about shoveling snow, poor sod.  (And We’re NOT making that up.) He wore himself out last night, poor thing, first in a rehearsal in which he pretended to act, and then in a fit of lesbionics in which he attempted to change the battery in the thermostat.  Why something that is already plugged into the wall should have to run on batteries was quite beyond both of Us, and why One should have to tear said apparatus bodily off of the wall to insert said batteries is a mystery on the order of Cleopatra’s pussy, but tear it off he did, in approved lesbionic fashion, so Our air remains conditioned this morning.

Most of you are no doubt wondering what the hell Cleopatra’s pussy had to do with the preceding paragraph.  The nakedly skimming str8 bois, meanwhile, are waxing their carrots.  While We do enjoy throwing the str8 bois a bone, and while We also enjoy the str8 bois throwing a bone, We hasten to point out that both Cleopatra and her pussy have been dead for two thousand years, and you’re kind of freaking Us out right now. KThxBye.

Has it really been five whole paragraphs since We mentioned Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video?  Which can be found right here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM ?  We must be slipping.  Or slippery.  Or wearing a slip.  One of those.

The str8 bois are now picturing Us in Our slip, and have started banging the bishop yet again.  Go, str8 bois, it’s your birthday.

And, before We begin the HorrorScope Proper, a big shout-out to all Our Denmarksian fans (Denmarkers?), who have just successfully used their English-Denmarkonian dictionaries to puzzle out what the hell is Cleopatra’s pussy, and are now chortling in approved Demmarkesian fashion into their lutefisk.

It just this minute occurred to Us that We had not yet chosen an Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Justin Timberlake, so We attempted to do so.  Google thwarted Us in Our efforts, for some reason.  Poop.

Your dreams are making more sense today, (Did We mention the snow shoveling?)

so pay attention to the details. (Because the devil is in the details.  Or in the blue dress.  One of those.)

You may pick up on a few clues as to what you should do next with your life, (We first read that, rather quickly, as “…what you should do with your next life.”  We intend to be reincarnated as Johnny Depp’s underwear.)

or how to approach that one difficult person.  (How optimistic of you to imagine that there’s only one.  Asshat.)

You have all the energy you need to make people stand up and take notice today — so use it. (But then wherever shall We get replacement energy?)

Whether you push for your own ideas or for the causes that other people hold dear, (Who are you calling “dear”, Ducks?)

there is no denying that you can easily make skeptics sympathize with your point of view better than ever right now.  (When you’re this far down, the only point of view is up.)

And if you need them to donate their time or their money, you can persuade them.  (Really?  Someone’s going to donate money?  Let Us just hold Our breath while We wait for THAT to happen.)

If you just start talking, the words will come;  (And if you say “Cleopatra’s pussy”, the str8 bois will come.)

you don’t need to worry about coming up with a plan or a script to follow.  (God forbid.)

So you’re not partnered with two kids and a mate who thinks you’re an angel. (Thank CHRIST!)

Who cares? (Thank CHRIST and, also, who cares?)

Just because real life hasn’t caught up with your romantic fantasies, (So the Denmarkian Olympic Men’s Swim Team is NOT coming over for dinner?)

that doesn’t mean you need to freak out. (DON’T TELL US WHAT TO DO!!!)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Ignore the usual frustrations today and just relax. (The usual frustrations.  How nice.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Like a black fly in your Chardonnay

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It’s like We’re losing Our minds

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Saturday, June 18, 2011.  Oh, my dears.  A SATURDAY Erix Daily Horoscope.  Surely a sign of the Apocalypse…or the Hypotenuse…We always get those two confused.  So didja miss Us?  (We are going to be boldly optimistic and take the cacophony of crickets as a resounding “Yes”.)  We missed you, too. Although We tried desperately to keep up with birthday wishes on the SitOnMyFaceBook, one or two significant events did manage to slip through Our crack.  For example, Tuesday, June 14^th was Fag Day.  So Happy Belated Fag Day to everyone.  Although, as Our religious friends (which is totally different, it just occurred to Us, than Our religious Friends, which would mean Quakers  (You know, the Oats people)) would have Us understand, God Hates Flags.  Now, it may come as a surprise to some of you that We Our Own Self Personally had a quite extensive religious education in Our remote youth, and We are hard-pressed to believe that God hates anyone, with the possible exception of that woman on the Progressive Insurance commercials, but who are We to judge?  After all, as it says in the Bible, “Judge everybody else quick, before they get a chance to judge you.”  Or something like that.

Wednesday, June 15^th, in addition to being Hump Day, which We imagine you all enjoyed, as usual, without Us, was also the twenty-fourth birthday of Our latest future ex-husband, Mister Neil Patrick Harris.  Imagine how desolated We were to discover that his contact information had somehow found its way out of Our Rolodex™, and that We were unable to send him birthday regards.  We trust that one of YouPeople who knows one of Neil Patrick Harris’s people will see that this little video makes its way to him: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBwdacfn2Vk    . KThxBye.

Thursday, June 16^th, meanwhile, was Our Sistah Ovella and her husband Teddy-Jay’s twenty-third weddin’ anniversary.  Hence today’s matrimonially-themed Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Here Comes The Bridal Party All Dressed In Dresses They Hate Which Were Chosen To Accommodate The Requisite Fat Cousin Amongst Their Number. So Happy Twenty-Third Weddin’ Anniversary to Ovella and Teddy Jay.  Oddly enough (twenty-three being an odd number (although One wouldn’t say “primely enough”, even though it is also a prime number  (and One wouldn’t say “primly enough” in any sentence that also contains the word “Ovella”  (Hi, Ovella! (Sorry; We appear to have digressed digressively in mid-digression))))), Ovella’s twenty-third weddin’ anniversary will be followed by her twenty-fourth birthday, which will be followed by her twenty-fourth weddin’ anniversary, which will be followed by her twenty-fourth birthday.  A time machine is a truly amazing thing.  Not, perhaps, quite as amazing as a vacuum cleaner with really good suction, but pretty amazing nonetheless.

Does anyone else occasionally type random incorrect homonyms?  For example, in the preceding, We initially typed “followed buy her twenty-fourth birthday.”  What is WRONG with Us?

You will notice that We have avoided (thus far) complaining about jury doody.  Which We have been on all week, and must return to Monday for closing arguments and deliberation.  Somehow We just know We are going to be All Twelve Angry Men, and that We shall represent the sole dissenting opinion amongst the flotsam and jetsam of humanity that comprises these people’s peers.  Sigh.  It was also not exactly a ray of sunshine when, in mid-doody this week, We received a horoscope that said, “You have had just about all the fun you can stand.”

On the other hand, We are enjoying saying “doody”.

And now, the thing you’ve been missing most of all, Neil Patrick Harris naked…er, The HorrorScope:

You should get all the help you can use today (Unless there are all of a sudden door-to-door psychiatrists, WE doubt that.)

(We have just this very morning learned that, over the years, We have known three totally unrelated people who have all lived in the exact same apartment at one time or another.  What are the odds?  And how can We translate that fact to a winning PowerBall™ ticket?)

— even from some surprising sources. (Some surprising sources of sibilant esses, sarsaparilla swiller.)

(Meanwhile, We actually spelled “sarsaparilla” correctly on the first try, but Micro$oft Weird™ is objecting to the word “swiller”.  Clearly, it has never heard of the comedy team of Jerry Swiller and Golda Meir.)

It’s a good time to call in favors (Does that include sexual favors?  Because, yes, please.)

and generally ask for assistance. (Which is different than asking a general for assistance.  With his privates.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

It’s not a sign of weakness — far from it!  (Fart vomit!)

(No.  We have no idea.)

 Powerful personalities are pushing (The next word should start with P, also.  But it doesn’tt.  Yet another of life’s disappointments.)

hard to reach their objectives right now, and you may find yourself caught up in a battle to attain someone else’s goal. (Good thing We’ve already been talking to that general and his privates, then.)

Think hard (We generally (heh) do.)

before letting yourself be enlisted. (What is with this army motif today?)

Focus on what you want to accomplish, and if it doesn’t align with what this person is suggesting, then go ahead and say, ‘thanks but no thanks.’ (Or say, “Franks but no Spanx™, and pretend it’s not a fat joke.)

You have to put all your energy into your own life and your own dreams. (That sounds like a lot of work.)

Let others do the same for themselves.  (Who are these “others”, and why do you imagine that We care?)

What do you care most deeply about? (Us Our Own Self Personally.  Have you been paying NO attention whatsoever?)

The odds are good that there are others near you who care about the same things.  (Not so’s you’d notice.)

Finding like-minded people (Or, for that matter, ANY-minded people.)

 is a great way to beef (Heh.  We would make a Clara Peller joke, but We’d be dating Ourself.  (Of course, SOMEone has to.))

up your social network.  (We loved that movie. (Jesse Eisenberg, if you’re reading this, please bring Us Neil Patrick Harris’s phone number.  Preferably tattooed on your inner thigh.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Voulez Vous Couchez Avec Moi, Neil Patrick Harris?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, June 13, 2011…or Tuesday, June 14, 2011, depending on how ya look at it.

Happy birthday to anybody whose birthday it was/is/will be yesterday/today/or tomorrow.  Catch those birthday wishes here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBwdacfn2Vk   and pass them along to all your other Gemini birthday-having friends.  (Of course, since We’ve only gotten four “likes”, and two of them are from Us and Our director, We don’t imagine all y’all can even work your damn WorldWideInterWebNetz, let alone figger out how to share anything, so fuck you.)

Meanwhile, We would tell you all about jury doody, but, as a lovely Latina said to the assembled jury doodiers this morning, “We’re not supposed to be talking about this stuff, right?”  Whereupon they spent two minutes talking about the weather and then went right back to talking about the case.

Randomly, Our very favorite horoscope ever from the Souf Philly Review:  “ARIES: Whatever you do, don’t agree to anything.”

Words to live by.

And here’s a picturesque picture set of pixturesque pixtures from The City That Loves  You (On Your ) Back.  Enjoy:

http://mauleofamerica.com/philly2011/

In other news, We had two separate dreams about having The Sex with two separate bois last night, before We realized that both bois shared a common trait with The Boi We Really Want To Have The Sex With.  (Everybody who just said, “A penis?” , go to the rear (heh) of the class.)

Speaking of penises (penii?), Our favorite graffiti du jour is a crude drawing of a penis on the entrance to Our subway, with the inscription “This is not a penis”.

In still other news, We succumbed to the Tony Awards last night, and We have come to the realization that what is wrong with Our life (and, by extension, probably most of YOUR lives) is that, of all the people We meet, most of them are NOT Neil Patrick Harris.  Seriously.  Also, of all the people We (and, by “We”, We mean, “We and, to a lesser extent, you” (or, if you really want to stretch it, “Us”)) ever meet who are NOT Neil Patrick Harris, most of them are also NOT Johnny Depp.  Honestly.  Why ever get out of bed in the morning?

We would put Our horoscope here and answer it back, but really?  We had jury doody today.  What did you do for Us?

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.