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Thursday, December 8, 2011

Arf-Arf-Arf, Arf-Arf-Arf, Arf-Arf Arf-Arf Arf

(That was dogs singing Jingle Bells, in case you are for some reason holiday-impaired. (Hard of holiday? (Somewhere in there is a boner joke.)))

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Today, December 8, 2011.  Didja hear?  Christmas is coming. We just found out.  We’ve been too busy doctoring scripts to notice.  Why the hell all of Our scripts should be sick at the same time, We haven’t got any idea.

We certainly don’t have time to be writing this, so We’re totally gonna use Our madd copy and paste skillz to show you the press release about where you need to be on December 20th.  Feel free to Cher:

Media Contact:
Gerre Garrett
December 1, 2011                   
A Very WaitStaff Sketch Comedy Show At Helium Comedy Club

Philadelphia, PAThe WaitStaff Sketch Comedy Troupe is serving up an evening of hilarious, irreverent, fast paced sketch comedy for the holidays! Written and performed by Sara Carano, Gerre Garrett, Sharon Geller, Chris McGovern and Eric Singel; this new show features audience favorites, The Real Housewives of South Philly, Santa Claus, and the birthday boy himself, Jesus H. Christ at HELIUM COMEDY CLUB on TUESDAY, DECEMBER 20 at 8PM.
The WaitStaff has been a mainstay of the Philadelphia comedy scene since its inception almost a decade ago. The troupe  has performed for packed houses in New York, Chicago and Washington D.C. Most recently, their "The Real Housewives of South Philly Jump the Shark" was among the most successful shows at the 2011 Philly Fringe Festival. The WaitStaff has been called “One of the funniest groups of people to hit the Philly Stages” (The Philadelphia Daily News) “Philadelphia's hottest sketch-comedy troupe” (The Philadelphia Inquirer) and “The sort of comedy that kids love, parents disapprove of, and adults find irresistibly hilarious even while shaking their heads” (The Main Line Times.) The WaitStaff was profiled in an episode of Experience, a program produced by the Arts and Culture Service of WHYY TV ( .)  

Real Housewives of South Philly creator, Sara Carano exclaims, "There's no place like Helium for the holidays!" Writer/performer, Chris McGovern declares, "I like to think of this show as a Twilight Zone episode entitled, 'The Night before Hanuchristmakwanzica.'" WaitStaffer, Eric Singel (who plays both Santa and Jesus H. Christ in the show) adds, "We are the 99% of comedians who are banking on the fact that as this holiday season draws near, you'll be in the market for some hearty laughs and a stiff drink."

For talent and media inquiries, photography and publicity queries, please contact Gerre Garrett at
(610) 608-6867 ( )

More information is available about The WaitStaff on their website

Listings Information:
What:    The WaitStaff Sketch Comedy Troupe presents, The Real Housewives of South Philly Occupy Christmas
When:   Tuesday, December 20th AT 8PM
Where: Helium Comedy Club 2031 Sansom Street, Philadelphia PA 19103
Tickets: Tickets: $15, purchased at the door or online at and
(Reservations Strongly Suggested)


Here is something else you can continue to ignore:

And not Cher with others:

And now, Charlene Tilton at windmills.  Or the HorrorScope:

If you can go antiquing today, (We are fairly sure We are “antiquing” just by being alive.)

or even on a garage sale journey, (Garage Sale Journey is, of course, an unpublished Jack Kerouac novel.  (Sometimes the jokes in here are so highbrow and cultured, even WE don’t get ‘em.))

that would be perfect  (Alas, the only place We get to go is rehearsal.  On the plus side, at least the sun is shining.)

— your eye for beauty and good deals is peaking.  (Does that sound to anyone else as though it would hurt?)

If that’s not your thing, (Then whose thing is it?  And how did it get here all on its own?  THE CALLS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!!!)

it may be a good time to start a collection.  (Of anything specific, or just a random collection?  Or perhaps We could start a collection agency.)

Today it will become clear to you that everything is transitory — everything changes over time, and nothing can last forever. (If everything changes over time, and nothing lasts forever, does the fact that everything changes over time change over time, so that eventually, everything doesn’t change over time?  Does the fact that nothing lasts forever not last forever, so that eventually something does last forever?  There is still vacation time share space available in Our mind, boyz and gurrrrlllzz; get it while it lasts.)

You mustn’t take for granted that the good things in your life right now are going to last forever. (Well, there’s a comforting thought.)

Today, take steps to preserve the things you love — whether it’s a relationship, (We are Our Own best friend.)

a job (Bite your tongue.  (On second thought, bite Our tongue.))

or a material possession. (Singular?  Seriously?)

You might not be able to keep things as they are forever, but you can prepare for change.  (We can also rummage for change in the sofa cushions; what’s your point?)

What with all the recent activity, (A veritable flurry.)

it’s only natural to slow down and give matters of the heart some serious thought.  (Alternatively, have a cookie.)

Your charm is undiminished, though, (Indeed.)

so don’t be surprised if stuff keeps right on happening. (“Don’t be surprised if stuff keeps right on happening”.  Wisdom for the ages, that there is.  Asshat.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.