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Tuesday, December 20, 2011

There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  ToozDee, December 20, 2011.  It occurred to Us that We were talking about Ryan Phillippe the other day, and that We couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t be improved by the presence of a picture of Ryan Phillippe and his DSL*, so herewith is a festive holiday example of same.  You’re welcome.

(The computer geeks are all, “How does Starzina know that Ryan Phillippe has DSL?”  Meanwhile, the rest of YouPerverts are all, “Heh-heh-heh.”)

We notice that Our naked skimmer whom We pixture nakedly skimming when We mention all of Our naked skimmers has apparently nakedly skimmed right past yesterday’s entry, wherein We mentioned that he is the naked skimmer whom We pixture nakedly skimming when We mention all of Our naked skimmers, and asked him, if he recognized his nakedly skimming self, to nakedly skim Us an email acknowledging same.

Ryan Phillippe’s DSL.  Heh…We kill Us.

Speaking of the WaitStaff, (Segue?  What’s a segue?  About a pound and a half.) they had their last rehearsal last night  in an effort to give YouPeople The Perfect Christmas Sketch Comedy Show, and they hope to see you tonight  at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club for The Real Housewives of South Philly Occupy Xmas.  Once you’ve seen the show, you will understand how very bizarre it was for them to be rehearsing said show in someplace called The Church Of The Crucifixion, and no, We are not making that up.  Presumably, the AA meeting which was going on in the room above the room where they were rehearsing distracted The Big Guy and kept them all from being struck by lightning.

Tickets can no longer be obtained online, as it is the day of the show, but you can still get them by calling Helium (215-496-9001) or by just showing up at the door tonight.  Did We mention that Himself is playing both Santa Claus AND Jesus H. Christ in the course of the festivities?  You do not want to miss.

In the meantime, to whet your appetite, you could go watch this.  If you haven’t already.  And you haven’t. We know, because We see you when you’re sleeping.  And you drool.  And not in a cute way.

You could also share it with your friends.  It’s the least you could do.  No, really, the very least.  Considering all We do for you:

And now, We continue to be fixated by Ryan Phillippe’s DSL.  Some of the rest of you may prefer to nakedly skim along to the HorrorScope.  (We’re picturing you doing that, just so you know.):

Things are going totally wrong for you today (Well, don’t sugarcoat it or anything.)

— but that’s not such a bad thing, actually!  (How is “totally wrong” not a bad thing?)

Everyone needs some down time now and then, (We won’t be seeing “down time” for a good forty-eight hours.)

and this is the universe’s way of telling you to chill out.  (Meanwhile, THIS is Our way of telling The Universe to go fuck itself.)

Positive possibilities are all around you right now, (And yet things are going “totally wrong”?  Do you even listen to yourself talk?  Asshat.)

 making today a very good time to initiate any major projects you’ve been pondering.  (Even though things are going “totally wrong” and We’re supposed to be having “down time”?  Why do We not have this stupid woman’s job?)

This could include business deals or personal undertakings. (Or personal undertakers.  Of whom, oddly enough, We know one, and he will be at the show tonight.  Of course, since everything is going to go “totally wrong”….)

If all of the key elements are in place, you should feel free to put your signature on the dotted line with confidence. (Which part of “totally wrong” are We not understanding?)

Formal relationships and contractual agreements that you enter into today are poised to really pay off.  (We give up.)

There could be a good reason you feel uncomfortable about something in your love life. (Not if it involves Ryan Phillippe’s DSL We won’t.)

Reconsider a judgment you made about someone recently, and let them know if you change your mind.  (The last time We changed Our mind We wound up with two fives and a ten. (Ba-DUMP-bump.))

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.