Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monthly, December 12, 2011. Ever since We found out the other day that Christmas is coming, We’ve been all agog and atwitter. We are, for some reason, so far behind this year that We are actually Sofa King Behind. (We’ll pause here, in Our muumuu, to give Our slower Gentle Readers a chance to puzzle that one out…THERE ya go!)
Part of Our difficulty is, of course, that We are rehearsing Our dingles to the berry to give YouPeople The Perfect Christmas Sketch Comedy Show, a replica for the poster of which you can see above, following which We hope to See You Next Tuesday, December 20th, at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club. Tickets can be obtained here: https://www.seatengine.com/
In between rehearsing and dingling Our berries, We found time this weekend to shoot the Capricorn installment of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope, which will, naturally, debut later this month. This may be Our most artistically ambitious episode yet, featuring a hand-held segment, a documentary-style segment, and a reverse Easter egg. Also, Our director’s answer to the question, “do you want the black handcuffs, or the shiny ones?”
In the meantime, to whet your appetite, you could go watch this. If you haven’t already. And you haven’t. We know, because We see you when you’re sleeping. And you drool. And not in a cute way.
You could also share it with your friends. It’s the least you could do. No, really, the very least. Considering all We do for you:
And now, Charlene Tilton reads John Milton to the blind. Or the HorrorScope:
You aren’t at your best today, (Then whose best are We at? (Did We just use a preposition to end a sentence with? Usually We end Our sentences with PROPositions…We must not be at Our best today.))
so you should find a way to hunker down and get some rest. (We were never hunk in the first place, so how could We possibly be hunker?)
(ESL = Engrish as a Second Ranguage.)
(DSL = Dick-Sucking Lips.)
It’s one of those days when you’re sure to find new ways to stumble (Mmm-hmm. ‘Cause We’re clever like that.)
if you insist on pushing too hard. (John Jacob Dingleberry Schmidt…his name is Our name too…)
(That song has been stuck in Our head since We first dingleberried all those paragraphs ago. We thought it only fair to share.)
Today you won’t be able to get away with hiding behind someone else or escaping for some alone time. (Honey, have you SEEN the size of Our ass lately? We couldn’t hide behind the Green Bay Packers, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, AND the entire cast of The Biggest Loser.)
(POP! Goes the culture.)
(All around the mulberry bush, the dingle chased the berry…)
Even if you’re dying for some peace and quiet, (Or some queefs and piety.)
the day’s activities will force you to become involved with something new. (Yippee.)
You can’t easily ignore what is starting to develop between you and someone else, (Sorry…what?)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
but you can put off dealing with it. (At least until We’re sure it’s not just wishful thinking.)
When it comes to a potential new flirtation, procrastination is the perfect tactic — at least for now. (So, wait…are you telling Us that procrastination WON’T be the perfect tactic LATER? So, in other words, you’re telling Us not to put off procrastinating? (We are making a big fuss over this so you will remember, when you finally see Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN , that We told you it was already in the can at this point. Much like Prince Albert.))
Your adventurous side may have a bit of a damper on it, (But Our backside has a Pampers™ on it.)
but there’s no need to force it. (Don’t fight the funk, and don’t force the farts. May the Farts be with you. And also with you.)
Feel free to cancel your plans with friends or reschedule that hot date. (Yeah. We’ll get right on that.)
Your intuition’s on, (We thought We smelled something burning.)
so don’t ignore it. (Sorry…what?)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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