Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Goodbye Ruby Tuesday Weld, December 6, 2011. Happy birthday to Josh, who turns twenty-four today. We were just perusing a list of celebrities born on this day, and lawd-a-mercy, pickins is slim! (Who the hell’s voice was THAT?) Other than Josh, celebrities born on this day would seem to include film director Judd Apatow, Wally Cox, and Ulf Ekberg of Ace of Base. Also, Ryan White, who died of AIDS in 1990? Would have been forty today. We think We just Hershey-squirted a little in Our Depends™.
So yesterday was the first Monday in We-couldn’t-tell-you-how-long (well, We could, but it would involve work, and We can’t be arsed) that We didn’t epistlate for YouPeople. (We just coined the term “epistlate” which means, of course, “to write an epistle”, but sounds as though it means something far more vulgar involving leather restraints and rubber sheets.) And yet, We clearly were not missed, as not a single one of all y’all inquired after Our whereabouts, and Our Google-O-Meter™ tells Us that We had more hits in a single day than wives in a white trash trailer park.
That there was a little spousal abuse word pixture We painted for you. You’re welcome.
Meanwhile, out of that trailer park of hits, three of them, Our Google-O-Meter™ informs Us, were achieved by people searching “vagina of ladies”. Which leads, naturally, to many questions from an Inquiring Mind such as Our Own. For example, what search results would One obtain if one Googled “vaginas of gentlemen”? Or is the term “ladies” included in its cultural sense, as opposed to gender? And, if so, are the vaginas in question wearing white gloves, tasteful strands of pearls, and hats?
How many of you are now picturing vaginas wearing white gloves, tasteful strands of pearls, and hats? How many of you are hovering on the brink of a “pearl necklace” joke?
In still other news, We have, in this space, been flogging the WaitStaff’s Christmas show Tuesday, December 20 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club: The Real Housewives Of South Philly Occupy Christmas for which tickets can be obtained here: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/897 . We would like to take this opportunity to point out, however, that this is a crazy busy time of year, and all these rehearsals aren’t really lightening the load (as it (subjunctively) were) of Our schedule. Then, of course, immediately after January 1st, One will have a totally clear schedule and nothing to do for months on end. Perhaps it might behoove the WaitStaff next year to change its holiday show to a celebration of Groundhog Day. Why, with the two concurrent holidays of Candlemas and the Feast of Saint Blaise, imagine the hilarity that could ensue.
Speaking of Uranus, how ‘bout you all pull your heads out of yours and go watch this:
Then share it with your friends:
And now, a gratuitous Charlene Tilton reference. (A number of Our daily hits continue to be from searches for her.) Après that, les splooge. (That was especially for those who refrained from a pearl necklace joke earlier.) Alternatively, the HorrorScope:
You need to deal with a few major obstacles today (What else is new?)
— including, maybe, some friends or colleagues. (Is it once again time for Twenty Thousand Colleagues Under the Sea? (Our litter-hairy references, let Us show them to you.))
It’s a good time to slow down and take stock, as you may have to exercise some serious diplomacy. (Did she say “exercise”?)
To get your message across today, you need to slip that iron fist of yours into a velvet glove. (And then, presumably, roll the whole mess in some Crisco™ and shove it up somebody’s ass. (Ooops…too vulgar? Too early in the morning?))
Tact is a powerful weapon today, (Not, of course, as powerful as an Uzi, but still.)
and using it will prevent you from alienating powerful people whom you need on your side. (All things considered, We’re coming down on the side of the Uzi.)
Charm will move mountains today, while screaming or manipulating will not. (Charm, or plastic explosives. Decisions, decisions.)
You have the ability to understand what motivates other people, so use it — let your empathy guide you. (What about Our anti-empathy? Which, now that We type it out, looks suspiciously like Auntie-Empathy.)
Your latest romantic endeavor is proceeding at a pace you might find painfully slow. (And yet, We had a dream about going on a date just the other night. And We don’t mean a sex dream; We mean a real date, with hand-holding and candlelit dinner. Of course, We cannot tell you with whom, but hey, a date’s a date. Maybe if We just slept twenty-four hours a day, We’d wind up in a relationship.)
Remember that not everyone charges ahead at full speed, and since opposites attract — well, think about yielding. (Unfortunately, We have no “yield” sign. How do you feel about “slippery when wet”?)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.