Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thirsty, December 29, 2011. We have returned from Christmas In The Hinterlands, and We trust that you all had Merry and/or Happy HanaChristmaKwanzzicas and Festive Festivuses (Festivii?) as well. We just dropped by to poop out a brief Epistle to the Forsythians before heading off to see TCBITWWW, who is in from the Left Coast, followed by TCDentistITWWW, in a fiasco of scheduling of Olympian proportions. (For those who can’t read between the lines, “Forsythians” = “disciples of John Forsythe, most particularly the Dynasty years”. “Olympian proportions” = “the size of Olympia Dukakis”.)
So didja miss Us?
The WaitStaff show was a huge success, as those of you who were actually present already know. Look for it to return as Christmas in July if We have anything to say about it.
Also, We are enormously proud of Our latest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video, in which Our Capricornian cameraman takes over the proceedings. You can see it here:
And you can share it with your Capricornian friends using this:
And now, Charlene Tilton weeps for joy that We have returned to make her relevant again. Alternatively, The HorrorScope:
Karma swings by for a visit (And here We are, with Our chameleon at the cleaners.)
— have you been good lately or in a past life, at least? (Clearly, We were Genghis Khan in a past life, judging by the punishment We are receiving in this one.)
Whatever happens today is a payment of some kind, but try not to read too much into it until you’ve had time to process. (We are so poor, We cannot even pay attention.)
You might be surprised (SURPRISE!!!)
to discover that one of your dreams is awfully close to becoming a reality today. (Great…all of Our dreams last night were nightmares.)
All it takes is vision — and a plan for how to proceed. (Two other things We don’t have.)
You need someone to give you a little push, (So We need a pusher?)
but you can keep yourself swinging after that. (A pusher, a swinger, and a candlestick maker.)
(No, We have no idea.)
So if you’ve been in a thick fog about how you are going to approach this goal, have a short conversation early on today with someone who’s been there before. (The fog is so thick, We are peeing soup. (We’re pretty sure it’s minestrone.))
They will help get a few ideas percolating. (Peeing soup, percolating coffee…the taffy pull should begin any minute now.)
(We already told you, We have no idea.)
You’ll see a pathway! (THROUGH the pee soup fog?)
Love karma alert! (Oh, shut up.)
It’s time to pour some selfless, gorgeous energy into the world. (Yeah, We’ll get right on that.)
It’s when you expect nothing in return that you get all the sweet stuff. (We’ve been expecting nothing for so long, We should have everything by now.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.