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Monday, December 19, 2011

Moonlight becomes you; it goes with your hairy palms

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Montage, December 19, 2011.  Christmas is a week from yesterday, in case you’ve lost track.  Meanwhile, Our Google-O-Meter™ informs Us that someone arrived on these hallowed pages this morning by searching “today's horoscope fuck yeah get up enjoy life”.  How the fuck did THAT happen, We should like to know?

When last We spoke, We had returned from the eye doctor and were on Our way to see The Tooth Fairy. (Calling Our dentist “The Tooth Fairy” literally just occurred to Us in the middle of typing that sentence.  How We don’t have a job writing for Modern Family, We’ll never know.)   Suddenly and without warning, a scant ONE HOUR before Our 3:30 appointment, one of The Tooth Fairy’s minions rang Us up to cancel Us, as The Tooth Fairy’s hygienist had called in sick.  Which We suspect she did not do at 2:30 in the afternoon.  Now, if WE cancelled on The Tooth Fairy an hour before Our scheduled appointment, We are fairly certain his policy would be to charge Us for the appointment.  So what’s he gonna do for Us, We should like to know?

(Is it possible for Us to end every single paragraph of today’s horoscope with “We should like to know”, We should like to know?)

We think We should get Our next appointment free, and We hope to have the cojones to ask for same.  Of course, if you’d ever seen Our Tooth Fairy, you could think of several other things We might ask him for as well, We should like to know.

Yeah, see, that one didn’t work so well.  Never mind.

Speaking of the WaitStaff, they continue to rehearse their dingles to the berry to give YouPeople The Perfect Christmas Sketch Comedy Show, and they hope to see you tomorrow, December 20th, at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club for The Real Housewives of South Philly Occupy Xmas.  Tickets (which, We have just been informed, are selling like hotcakes) can be obtained here: and make an excellent early Christmas gift for those difficult-to-buy-for people on your Christmas list .  Please note that online ticket sales stop on the day of performance, but that tickets will still be available at the door.  Even if you call and are told the show is sold out, just say “liar, liar, pants on fire” and show up anyway.  We promise you, you will get in.

In the meantime, to whet your appetite, you could go watch this.  If you haven’t already.  And you haven’t. We know, because We see you when you’re sleeping.  And you drool.  And not in a cute way.

You could also share it with your friends.  It’s the least you could do.  No, really, the very least.  Considering all We do for you:

And now, due to illness, the role of Charlene Tilton will be played today by Pamela Sue Martin’s hairdresser.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

You’re not just thinking about yourself today (Well, We were thinking about thinking about Ourself, but then We wondered if that would be thoughtless, considering all the poor children in India who don’t know Us to think about, and have to think about sacred cows instead.  And that made Us think how much We’d enjoy a delicious burger right about now, so We guess We wound up thinking about Ourself after all.  Life is so complexicated.)

— in fact, you seem to be focusing your energy much farther.  (Farther than India?  What’s farther than India?  Presumably China, although that may be starting to get closer again, given the world being round and all.)

(We are SOOOO deep.  Stay away from the edge; you might fall in.  And then where would you be, We should like to know?)

(To the one naked skimmer who is currently conjuring a mental image of the preceding, thank you.  That’s the most anyone’s thought of plunging into Our abyss in years. (“Plunging into Our abyss” is, of course, a euphemism.  (It is also, We seem to recall hearing recently, a song on the latest McDonna album.  (The opposite of “euphemism”, in case you were wondering, is “mephemism”.  Or, in Our case, “Usphemism”.))))

(So are you still naked, skimmer? (You long-time Gentle Readers will be fascinated to know that, when We say “naked skimmer”, there is one person in particular that We picture.  Skimming.  Nakedly.  If you think it’s you, drop Us a line.  Unless you’ve skimmed past this.  Nakedly.))

(Why isn’t “happiness” spelled “ha’penis”, We should like to know?)

It’s a good time for you to step up (Like the red-headed stepchild that We are.)

and show the world what you can do for it.  (Ask not what in the world the world can do for you, ask what in the world you can do for the world.  Also, viZZZualize whirled peas.)

Your task today is to appreciate everything. (We’re much better at appreciating nothing.  Because We have so much of it.)

This doesn’t mean that you should write a thank-you note for everyone who smiles at you today, (Who can turn the whirlpool on with her smile?  Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all Vera Miles?)

 but it does mean that you should take an extra second every once in a while to remind yourself that you have it so much better than so many other people. (Like those poor children in India, thinking of sacred bacon cheeseburgers.)

Sure, things aren’t perfect  (They aren’t?  And why not, We should like to know?)

— and sometimes the people you love can drive you a bit crazy. (It is, all things considered, a very short drive.)

But you wouldn’t trade it for anything — this is a day to contemplate that.  (“It”…”that”…where oh where have Our little antecedents gone?  Oh where oh where can they be?)

Brashness often becomes you, (Mah culluhs are brash and bashful.)

and you’re not interested in those who think you’re too much anyway. (Was that a fat joke?)

But now’s a time to hold back just a little bit, and use some subtle charm. (Always after me suBtle charms…they’re manacled to fishes.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.