Baby baby baby

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wincedee, July 13, 2011.  Happy belated birthday to Kathleen, who turned twenty-four yesterday.  And happy Hump Day to the rest of you, who are no doubt humpily humping away in your humpsters without a care in the world or a hair in the whirlpool. Like sandpaper through a horse’s ass, these are the Dayz Of Our Livezzzzzzzzzz…

We have precious little to report.  Himself continues to rehearse for his epic.  Last night, he wee-wee-walked his fat ass all the way home from L2, scene of his epic’s previous incarnation, where he has been rehearsing.  Twenty-five blocks, by Our calculations, and still his fat ass makes his ass look fat.

We, meanwhile, continue to be addicted to The Most Embarrassing Game On The WorldWideInterWebnetz. (It is SO embarrassing, in fact, that We just spelt “embarrassing” with three esses.  Which is ethpecially embarrathing if you happen to be Thindy Brady.  (Fortunately, most of Us are NOT Thindy Brady.  Because how bizarre would it be if We (thubjunctively) were?))

(Heh.  “Thubjunctively”.  We kill Us.)

Speaking of Uranus (as one does), why not pay a visit to Us in video land…maybe even click Our “Like” button (did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us.  And We haven’t had Our “Like” button clicked in YEARS.) Or even share Us with a friend.  Even if they AREN’T having a birthday. Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  

Meanwhile, from the “It Gives One Pause” Department, Harrison Ford turns SIXTY-NINE today.  Insert blowjob jokes here.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Margaret Thatcher’s ben-wa balls. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

You’ve got a serious drive for success today (Too bad there’s no gas in Our car.  Because We don’t, ya know, have a car.  So We don’t buy very much gas.  Which makes sense, because We always seem to get gas for free. (Note to Self:  invent car that runs on Mexican food.))

— whatever that means to you. (Some people are deep and meaningful.  We are shallow and meaningless.  Our way is more fun.)

It might mean a date with that new hottie, (Yeah. ‘Cause THAT happens.)

a promotion at work (C’mon, Bay-Bee, do the locomotion!)

or a new way to deliver health care to Africa, (Mmm-hmm.  We wouldn’t go betting the ranch on that last one.  (Of course, once We invent Our car that runs on Mexican food, can a cargo plane be far behind?  (Heh. Get it?  “Behind”.)))

(Why this blog has yet to be discovered by America’s junior high school set is entirely beyond Us.)

Our Google Bloggoni-O-Meter informs Us, meanwhile, that, in addition to recent installments, three of you are busy perusing this entry: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2011/01/tell-me-whyi-dont-like-mondays.html, which We suspect has something to do with the phrase “bollocks polishers”.

but you are on it!  (If, by “it”, you mean “crack”, then yes.  Yes, We are.)

That mature, practical voice inside your head keeps telling you that what other people think of you shouldn’t matter, and it is right. (It is also Rod Serling.  Who is rumored to have an enormous penis.  Which is doing him precious little good, now that he has entered…The Twilight Zone.)

(A guy named Rod with an enormous penis…what’re the odds?)

It may also be telling you that, for now, you may have to take on an unpleasant role in order to accomplish what you need to accomplish, and that’s right, too (So, wait…it gets more unpleasant than THIS?!?)

— you should never compromise on your ambitions. (We have no answer for that whatsoever.  However whatever always-and-forever, We did just invent the word “prompromise”, which We’re pretty sure means “I won’t come in your mouth”.  Or possibly ”I won’t come on your dress”.  One of those.  How the hell would We know?  We didn’t go to Our prom.)

(Those junior high schoolers’ll be eating out of the palm of Our hands.  Just like The Children Of The Corn. Or, in Our case, The Children Of The Corndogs.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ is accepting of “corndogs”, but is not too sure about “prompromise”.  As well it shouldn’t be.)

But you might need to mitigate your zeal (Because who doesn’t love a well-mitigated zeal?)

with a bit of etiquette and tact.  (Have you met Us?)

 Dating might be the last thing on your mind, (Actually, the last thing on Our minds is delivering health care to Africa.  Followed immediately by Justin Bieber’s frenulum.)

(Oh, sorry…did We make you think about Justin Bieber’s frenulum?  (We’ll wait here while you go Google “frenulum” on Wikipedia.  (Justin Bieber should love Us…he’s in junior high school, right?  (We can never tell with lesbians…they never look their age.))))

 but you could also be surprised (SURPRISE!)

to learn (Anything whatsoever?)

just how much your deeper mind is obsessing over love. (To say nothing of Justin Bieber’s frenulum.  (No, really…say NOTHING.))

Let yourself go out on a date by simply slowing down and saying yes at least once.  (Notice that at no point during that sentence does there seem to be ANOTHER PERSON on this date.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

We shall overcomb

 Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Mundane, July 11, 2011.  Happy birthday to Our MizMaryPat, who turns twenty-four today.  Here at Casa de CrustyCulottes, We spent a very low-key weekend hanging out with a few folks with whom We rarely hang out.  (“Folks”?  “Hang out”?  Kiss Us quick, We’re Joan Baez.)  Which was lovely, because We were beginning to fear that We were becoming agoraphobic. Which was simultaneously making Us wonder whether the fear of becoming agoraphobic is agoraphobicphobia, or agoraphobiaphobia, and whether the fear of sweaters is angoraphobia.  Because We’re funny that way.  Not, of course, so much “funny: ha-ha” as “funny: from this angle, it really DOES look like a brown starfish”.  With a little Minnehaha thrown in. But never in Minnesota.

What were We talking about, Ducks?  We’ve got no idea.  So in addition to Our other trials and tribulations, We have now shamed Ourself even further by becoming morbidly addicted to the most heinous WorldWideInterWebNetzian game.  It is so appalling that One cannot even begin to describe it, and it is just as if some evil crack dealer whom We shall call Tashawnda had laced Our very keyboard with crack.  Sigh.

 

And in still other news, We received an Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) email yesterday with the subject line “Uranus Goes Retrograde”.  You bet it does, Bay-Bee, and you don’t know the half of it.

Speaking of Uranus, why not pay a visit to Us in video land…maybe even click Our “Like” button (did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us.  And We haven’t had Our “Like” button clicked in YEARS.) Or even share Us with a friend.  Even if they AREN’T having a birthday. Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  

Our Google Statistic-O-Meter tells Us that, as you wait with bated breath for this installment of Erix Daily Horoscope, you are perusing Friday’s episode, as well as, for some reason, this one:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2011/04/one-ball-more-another-day-another.html  We are fascinated.

                                         

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Margaret Hamilton’s granny panties. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

Push yourself forward somewhat (Do they sell WonderBras™ for your ass?)

(Well, it wasn’t actually a COMPLETE non sequitur.)

 (You’re no bunny till some bunny dusts you.)

— you need to explore your environment more. (Not really.)

It’s a really good day for adventures and good times, (Dyn-O-Mite!)

(The chirren are all scratchin’ they itty-bitty heads.)

so make sure that you’re making the most of your great energy.  (Yeah, okay, whatever.  It just occurred to Us that today’s celebrities, so far, are Joan Baez and Margaret Hamilton.  Which totally sounds like the beginning of some “walk into a bar” joke.  If We were (subjunctively) a lesbian stand-up comedian.)

 Today you will wake up with a lot of energy and will probably want to hit the ground running! (Not so much.  We’d be happy to go back to bed and try again, though.)

 But to be safe, (And you know what They say:  Better strafed than smarmy.  (WHY does anybody listen to Them?  They say such stupid things.))

you should hold off until later in the day before charging ahead. (Alrighty, then.)

Conserve your energy, (Where is all this energy she keeps asshatting on about?)

and play this day out in a smart way. (Hmmm…perhaps We shall trade it for Twinkies™.)

Be calm, cool and collected.  (Be dumb, drool, and defective.)

If you just bust out of the gate, (Exsqueeze Us?)

arms flailing, (We?  Do not flail.  We frequently fail, but We never flail.)

you will scare people with your erratic energy. (Oh, great.  Now not only do We have this alleged energy that We don’t have, it’s scaring people.)

Other people need time to prepare for your eagerness, (Yes.  Yes, they do.  And We need time to prepare for their Eagle Scouts.  Because We?  Are going to Earn. Our. Merit. Badge.)

(Oh, get your mindz out da gutter.  We were talking about rubbing two dicks together to make a fire.  Er, sticks.  We meant sticks.  Yeah, that’s it. Sticks.)

and you can afford to give them that time.  (We are so poor, We cannot even afford to pay attention.)

 Now is the best time for you to have that big talk. (Why? Did somebody not know that Joan Baez and Margaret Hamilton were lesbians?)

 It’s easier than ever to be frank and open, (Frank who?  Anne Frank?  She’s in the attic!)

but do try to avoid crossing any lines. (Especially if you are coloring.)

(Coloring books for grown-ups…another idea whose time has not come.)

Be respectful of others’ feelings when you say things that are probably difficult to hear. (Which brings Us to these words of wisdom from Our Dilbert calendar:  Never put time into an activity that has no potential benefit.  For example, why bother putting on makeup if you’re going to wear that hideous outfit?  That’s like knitting a sweater for a dead squirrel.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

And you’re still standing stuck in the stuff on the steps

                                           

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FriedEgg, July 8, 2011.  Happy belated birthdays to Tracie and Shaun Jacob JingleHeimer Schmidt, both of whom turned twenty-four yesterday.  Not to mention Chrome BruLay.  (No, really…don’t mention her.  She hates that.)   We apologize for being in absentia yesterday, but We were off with Himself touring the Walnut Street Theatre Independence Studio on 3, which will be the site of Himself’s next public atrocity.  Many of you probably missed Our late-in-the-day edit of Wenchday’s HorrorScope, in which We noted that said upcoming public atrocity was the subject of the Philly Fringe’s Blog Du Jour, which We ass-ume (thereby vacuuming Uma Thurman’s ass) that you can still ReadAllAbout here:   http://www.livearts-fringe.org/blog/index.cfm/2011/7/6/Philly-Fringe-Vital-Stats-Iris-Holcombe-Wedding-Consultant

And while you’re busy ReadingAllAbout things, pay a visit to Us in video land…maybe even click Our “Like” button (did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us.  And We haven’t had Our “Like” button clicked in YEARS.) Or even share Us with a friend.  Even if they AREN’T having a birthday. Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Keanu Reeves’ anal warts.  (Hey, into every life a little rain must fall.  Also, it’s always darkest before Tony Orlando and Dawn, and it’s all fun and games till somebody comes in your eye.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

Sure, you’ve got needs — we all do — but for now you need to let them rest while you help someone else who’s in trouble. (Here’s a coat hanger.  Next!)

It may be a family member or a coworker, but your selfless energy is much appreciated.  (On the other hand, she wore a glove.  Also, Our seamless apathy is much more fun.  And girls?  Just wanna have fun.)

Today you will be feeding off the energy of the people around you and getting all the attention you’ve been craving. (Lovely.  Peel Us a grape.)

 You are going to be in the thick of things, (Was that a fat joke?)

right in the middle of all the action. (That would be, naturally, the Uma Thurman ass-vacuuming action.  (Is she still married to Ethan Hawke?  (Was she EVER married to Ethan Hawke?  Or did We just make that up out of whole cloth? (And what the hell does “whole cloth” mean, anyhow?))))

(And right away We give you the answer: http://www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-who1.htm  )

(Like sandpaper on your anal warts, these are the Days of Our Lives.)

Other, less connected people might be envious of your position, (Flat on Our back with Our legs in the air?)

so try not to rub their faces in it (Heh.)

— be sensitive to the outsiders who don’t really know what’s going on. (Fuck ‘em. They sandpapered Our anal warts.)

You might be called upon to act as a translator, (Voulez vous couches avec moi, Ethan Hawke?)

notifying people what they need to know when they need to know it.  (But only on a need-to-know basis.)

Someone is likely asking you to defend yourself in some way. (Good thing We took that Jew Shiatsu course. (Jew Shiatsu is, of course, like jiu jitsu, only less time consuming to learn.  Plus, there are excellent bagels.))

Though conflict is never your idea of a good time, (Have you met Us?)

don’t let this get you off  (We never do.)

course. (Or that.)

Calmly explain without getting too emotional. (WHADDAYA MEAN, TOO EMOTIONAL?!?)

(Heh. SWWDT?)

The problem is minor, and blows over quickly. (Is it just Us, or did that sound like a euphemism for “has a small dick, and is plagued with premature ejaculation?  Just Us? Alrighty, then.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Cat scratch fever

 Edited to add:  check THIS out!  We are the featured subject of today's Philly Fringe blog:  http://www.livearts-fringe.org/blog/index.cfm/2011/7/6/Philly-Fringe-Vital-Stats-Iris-Holcombe-Wedding-Consultant


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wenchday, July 6, 2011.  Happy Hump Day to AllOfYou.  Here at Casa de Chlamydia, We started Hump Day a little early.  At 3AM, to be exact.  Not that We were humping, mind you.  (But then, you knew that.  Unless you are the newest newbie that ever newbed. (Hmmm…Micro$oft Weird™ accepts “newbie” as word, but not “newbed”, which, no matter how much We pronounce it as “NOOb’d” in Our head, insists on parsing itself into “new  bed”.))  But We were awake from 3 to at least 6AM.  Unlike yesterday, however, We did ultimately go back to sleep.  The only difference between the two days?  That bitch Betty White.

Being well-rested when We finally arose, We were contemplating alternative means of accomplishing something at which We have been being thwarted by an appalling lack of consideration for Our Own Self as The Center Of The Universe when the old saying “there’s more than one way to skin a cat” occurred to Us.  Never One to accept such sayings at face value, it further occurred to Us that, actually, one way was probably more than sufficient, and why the hell would We want to skin a cat, anyway?  First off, this activity would no doubt piss off the cat, then, even if you were successful, all you’d have is a pile of cat skin and a pile of dead cat, and really, what’s the point of that, unless you run a Chinese restaurant?

Having had all of these scintillatingly brilliant thoughts before even consuming Our morning green tea, We then began reading email.  What kind of day can it possibly turn out to be when the Urban Word Of The Day is:

July 6: fuck

1. The universally recognized "F word" 
2. N. Implying complete and utter confusion 
3. N. a really stupid person 
4. V. To procreate 
5. adj. Can be used to modify any word for more passion 
6. Int. Expresses disgust 
7. Int. Expresses complete surprise and joy 
8. adv. Can be used to make a command more urgent

1. I do not accept the "F word" as your name 
2. What in the fuck? 
3. You stupid fuck! 
4. I suggest we go fuck in your mother’s bed while eating crackers and petting a cat named Mittens! 
5. This fucking guy was so fucking weird. He asked me if I was fucking insane. 
6. Aw, FUCK!! 
7. Holy fuck! You guys rock! 
8. Just fucking jump before I fucking kick you in the balls!

Needless to say, and yet promptly saying it anyway, if that is the Word Of The Day, We don’t expect We’ll get too many cats skinned.  Somebody’s soup is gonna be shy a won ton or two.

Meanwhile, We have left the following paragraph from yesterday intact, as no one saw fit to address it.  (Thank you, however, to those of you who commiserated with Us in Our perplexity at being resoundingly ignored.):

In equally boring news, could someone please have the courtesy to inform Us as to why everyone is so resoundingly ignoring Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  ? 

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Shia LaBeouf’s buttocks.  Or, the HorrorScope:

Try not to make any sudden moves today (Indeed not.  You might startle the cat.  And then you’ll never get it skinned.  And THEN what will you stuff your steamed dumplings with?)

(Do vegetarians say “there’s more than one way to skin a cat”?  Because “there’s more than one way to peel a carrot” isn’t nearly as pithy.  Carrots being, ya know, relatively inanimate, and all.  Especially when compared with cats.  Particularly cats facing an imminent skinning.)

— accidents will be all too frequent for now, (That’s why We’re wearing Depends™.)

and you can mitigate the worst effects as long as you proceed at a judicious pace.  (Is it just Us, or does “Judicious Pace” sound like a character from some novel by some Victorian lady novelist that pretentious people pretend doesn’t suck?  “Judicious Pace lowered another log onto the fire as he pondered his response to the vicar’s inquiry.” (This book is boring Us already.))

Slow and steady wins the race.  (Perhaps.  But only if you’re racing with really stupid people.  Generally, FAST wins a race.  Just sayin’.)

Mixing business with romantic networking happens all the time, (Especially in a whorehouse.)

and you have someone in your mental file cabinet  (Then We ought to let him out, no?  Meanwhile, is it a metal mental file cabinet?  (Actually, We do have a mental file cabinet.  Which may or may not be metal.  Unfortunately, all it contains is a record of every stupid and/or humiliating thing We have ever done.  It pops open from time to time and starts spewing its contents, usually when We have just done something particularly stupid and/or humiliating, just in case We’re not already feeling bad enough.))

who may have an opportunity for you right now. (And you should see that Opportunity’s Knockers!)

(Opportunity Knockers is, of course, Judicious Pace’s bastard cousin, the dipsomaniac.)

 Be proactive, like the experts say, (Alternatively, be grammatical, AS the experts say.  Asshat.)

and push forward (Really?)

to build this casual contact into a real connection. (Why do We feel as though this paragraph should contain an “always wear a condom” warning?)

Building this relationship could pay off in a very big way — your life may be sent into a new direction. (We can see it now:  Catskinning Champion Of The Known Universe!  (Or at least Chinatown.))

Show them you have what it takes, (A really sharp knife?)

but try not to come on too strong. (Oh, please.  Nobdoy likes a wimpy catskinner.)

(Wimpy Catskinner is, as you will have no doubt surmised, Judicious Pace’s somewhat mentally challenged manservant, who is, unbeknownst to the parsimonious Mister Pace, having a clandestine affair with Opportunity Knockers.)

(This book practically writes itself.  Like most of Dickens.)

 Lead with your personality (Which one?)

 and just be yourself. (And again We say, which one?)

Is your dating profile up-to-date? (Oh, please. The last time We had a date, our boys were in Korea.  Ike was in Mamie.)

 Better, does it really reflect your true nature? (Or your true colors?  Or your fine washables?)

 Now is the best time to switch in a new pic, (Presumably of someone else.  Possibly Opportunity Knockers.  Prior, of course, to the ravages of consumption.)

spruce up the written description (Lie.)

or just tear it all down and build a new one from scratch. (Because there’s more than one way…)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Their house is a museum where people come to see 'em…they really are a scree-um

 Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Toothy, July 5, 2011.  Greetings from Casa de Crackpot, where We have been up since The Dawn’s Early Light.  Not to mention The Rockettes’ Red Hair, The Old Frigidaire, Made Poop In the Night, Then We Shagged Fred Astaire.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Christina Aguilera.) And by “up since The Dawn’s Early Light”, We mean 4AM, when We sat bolt upright next to Himself in bed, having just had a dream with a Very Special Guest Appearance by Betty White.  She was wearing purple lipstick, which matched her purple outfit, and she either was, or was playing the role of, a receptionist at a radio station.  The plot of said dream revolved around the fact that neither Betty nor We could discover where the station’s music output was coming from.  Exciting, no?  Zzzzzz….

So We trust YouAll had a Festive Fourth, possibly involving a fifth. (It just occurred to Us that We had absolutely no idea why a fifth is called a fifth.  Turns out, 750 ml is approximately a fifth of a gallon.  Which is every bit as boring as Betty White’s radio station.)

Speaking of boring, We are currently being bored by the concept of being dropped like the proverbial Hot Potato by people for no discernible reason whatsoever. Unless We are somehow committing atrocities while sleepwalking, how exactly do We suddenly become persona au gratin, unworthy of having Our phone calls returned? We don’t get it.  (Even Betty White just paused for station identification.)

In equally boring news, could someone please have the courtesy to inform Us as to why everyone is so resoundingly ignoring Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  ?  (Betty White just started playing Lawrence Welk’s Greatest Hit.)

Okay, YouPeople are no fun; here’s Ian Somerhalder’s left testicle.  Or, the HorrorScope:

Avoid the temptation to rush ahead — you need to make sure that you’re getting it all done right today. (What makes you imagine that We will be getting it done at all?)

Details really matter, (As do deheads.)

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

so there’s no excuse for rushing past them in the hope that someone else will deal.  (Any hope that “someone else” will do anything is generally futile.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ is calling the preceding a sentence fragment.  However, We went to Catholic school, so We know that We can reduce it to its simplest subject-predicate parts and demonstrate its inherent sentencehood.  To wit, “hope is futile”.  See?  Perfectly legitimate sentence.  (Also, oddly enough, perfectly accurate description of Catholic school.))

Things are really starting to come together in a relationship (Yes, indeedy-do, they are! Why, the number of unreturned phone calls, texts, and smoke signals must be nearing triple digits. So We’re guessing We didn’t exactly land that paying gig in August, eh?)

— trust is at an all-time high, and this bodes well for building stronger foundations for growth. (Oh, please.  With the growth We’ve got going on here, We need stronger foundation GARMENTS.)

This is just a beginning phase, so be prepared to take things more slowly than you may want to. (How much slower can We get?)

(Apropos of nothing, why do We keep getting emails that want Us to buy a forklift?  Is that a fat joke of some sort?)

Your positive momentum (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!)

 will carry over into other areas of your life — including an unpredictable family relationship. (She’s my sister, she’s my daughter, she’s my sister AND my daughter.  (We love the smell of Faye Dunaway in the morning.))

A wave of growing confidence (Not to be confused with nausea.)

will give you a taste for competition, so keep an eye out for a chance to prove yourself.  (What’s that old joke about the hooker with the glass eye?)

Your inner nerd is out in force now, so surround yourself with like-minded people soon. (Nerds are HAWTT!)

You find the brainiest stimulation at a museum tonight, so geek out and look out for others like you.  (So, wait…you’re saying there are other people like Us, but they keep them in a museum?)

 You never know! (NOW you tell Us.  You could have just replaced this entire stupid horoscope with those three words.  “You never know.”   You’re just the fucking Oracle of Delta Phi, ain’t’cha, Kelli?  Stupid asshatted cow.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

O, can a duck…

                                 

 Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Fried Egg Friday Frito Lay Fay Wray, July 1th, 2011.  We have recovered from yesterday’s malaise.  That’s the power of Pine Sol™, Bay-Bee.  Also the power of a most excellent rehearsal.  This show is gonna be hotter than a half-fucked fox in a forest fire.  (We cannot claim to have invented that saying; We stole it from the WorldWideInterWebNetz this morning.  But We do seem to have encountered it before…can anyone tell Us if it occurs in some piece of litter-chore We might have encountered in Our cultural travels?)

So Happy Canada Day to Our Canadian readers, eh?  And Happy Canada Dry™ to the rest of you, because, hey, it’s Happy Hour somewhere, no?  Also, Happy Birthday to Our many WorldWideInterWebNetzian friends who are turning twenty-four today, and tomorrow, and Sunday, and Monday, most notably Ryan, Jennifer, and Tom Cruise.  (Say it with Us, Gentle Reader MizJill: “Tom Cruise is one fucked-up motherfucker.”)  We apparently know very few people born early in Cancer, but, as We near the middle of the sign, babies are flying out of cooters like litters of puppies.  What the hell is nine months before the 4th of July, anyway?

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, litters of puppies in oceans of cooters…these are a few of Our favorite things…ah, The Sound of Muzak, The Sound of Muzak!  If you look backstage, the nuns and the Nazis are all the same people.

So if We know all these Cancer babies, you must know a lot of ‘em too…why not make their birthdays extra-special by sending them Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Cancer video, which can be found right here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  ?  That’s what friends are for.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Dionne Warwick.  (Oh, yes, We are…We’re psychic.))

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…Prince Harry’s lemur impression.  Or, barring that, The HorrorScope:

(Micro$oft Weird™ is objecting to “Harry’s”…how the hell else would it like Us to indicate the possessive form of “Harry”?  Perhaps a little song in his honor, from the one and only (thank god) Carmen Miranda:

  )

Your emotional side is in some serious disrepair — but today is the day to fix it up! (Suddenly, We feel exactly like an episode of This Old House.)

You should be at your best handling old traumas and healing old relationships, so get to it ASAP!  (Who you callin’ old?  Just because today’s celebrities are Fay Wray, Dionne Warwick, Carmen Miranda, and Tom Cruise…We know who Justin Bieber is!  And We own TWO Katy Perry records…or are they eight-track tapes?  AND We know that the middle Jonas Brother is the gay one. (That was Brother Joe, he was movin’ kinda slow at the Junction…(STOP THAT!  We do NOT need to mention Bea Benaderet.  (DAMMIT!))))

There are some outdated ideas (Watch it, Bee-Yotch.)

or habits that are holding you back right now, and today they will create a conflict between the way your life is now and the way you want it to be in, say, five years.  (Five years?  FIVE YEARS?!?  Why, We’ll be Carmen Miranda’s grandmother by then!)

There’s no need to make a big decision about things right away, (We’ll decide that for Our Own Self.  (Heh. See what We did there?))

but you will need to be prepared to make a sacrifice when the time comes. (Fine…send Us a virgin.  Oh, look:  Justin Bieber!)

Don’t worry, though — it should be obvious what you need to leave behind — it’s the least important element of your life right now.  (Poverty? Chastity?  Sanity?)

Dig up an old family recipe and cook yourself a sweet taste of home. (Does Our fat ass make Our ass look fat?)

Don’t be too shocked if the aroma convinces a cute neighbor to stop by.  (Clearly, you have not seen where We live.)

Make sure you invite them in! (Why?  Do they do housework?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************  

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.