This is the dawning of the Age of Uranus

Greetings, Enchiladae Reject Increased Cilantro---


(Well, why the h3ll isn’t the plural of “enchilada” written as “enchiladae”? They call theyselves Latinos, don’t they? So why don’t they speak Latin?)


Here is your horoscope for Sunday, February 07, 2010 (Being as it is Sunday, and also The Day After Snowpocalypse (also known as SnowMyGod (or, depending on the depth of your interrobang fetish, Snow!My!God!)), We decided to go with a religious pixture today. In case you’re, ya know, reading Eric’s Daily Horoscope on your iPhone in church. (Of course, if you are doing that, what pixture appears at the top of Eric’s Daily Horoscope is soon to be much farther down the list of Things You Should Be Worrying About. We’re just sayin’.)):


(We have precious little to report, having spent yesterday as We are sure most of you did, snowed in after the SnowJob. We learned Our lines, We shoveled Our snow, and We were pleased to have three loads of laundry backed up, because the hot air from the dryer exhaust vent melted a big ol’ hole in Our snowpile. Also, you will be pleased to hear that Our neighbor was only temporarily shifting snow onto Our sidewalk, prior to moving it further off, so We were not compelled to p00p in his mailbox, which would, no doubt have lent a whole new verisimilitude to the phrase “freezing your @ss off.”)


(We just threw “verisimilitude” in there to prove that, no matter what else shrinks in the cold, Our vocabulary doesn’t . Use it three times in a sentence and it’s yours. (“Verisimilitude”, that is, not Our vocabulary. We’re pretty sure that Our entire vocabulary would make for a rather unwieldy sentence.))


(And now, a word from Our sponsor. Well, actually, a word about Our sponsor(s). (No, We’re not going to bother to tell you to clique on Our adz. That might help Us out, and We wouldn’t want that.) If the URL at which you are looking at Eric’s Daily Horoscope looks like this: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/ , click on the title of today’s horoscope (which We haven’t made up what it is yet (edited to add: We have now: click on This is the dawning of the Age of Uranus)), so the URL now looks something like this: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/02/wind-began-to-switch-house-to-pitch-and.html (except with stuff about dawning age Uranus in the end there). (That would be yesterday’s horoscope.) You will notice that the adz, which are generated based on the contents of the individual blog post, are now all about snow removal devices. If you look at Thursday’s horoscope (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/02/if-pitcher-paints-thousand-worms-then.html ), the adz are all about women’s clothing and crossdressing (Thursday, of course, was the infamous Day Of The Effeminate Rockclimber). We confess to being overcome with a wee frisson of anticipation as We wonder what today’s adz will be about. (But don’t clique on any. Oh, no. Because helping people is wrong.))


(Hmm…apparently, We had more to report than We thought. And, lest you thought We were done (or in case you are too overcome by Our use of both “verisimilitude” and “frisson” in the same horoscope to know what you are doing), here is the info about how to buy your tickets to the WaitStaff’s VD show Desperate and Dateless at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 and visit Us at Our website http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/The-WaitStaff/177605379471?ref=ts . )


(Our-O-Scopes…)


With Saturn in your opposite sign, (Our Own Personal opposite sign is Libra. Libra is the sign of Balance. We? Are the opposite of that. Do you see the problem here, NumbNutz?)


you're doing it tough on the relationships front, one way or another. (I’m gonna find you, I’m gonna getchoo, getchoo, getchoo, getchoo. (Is there any morning that can’t be improved by a little Blondie?))


Some of you have a partner (And some of Us DON’T. And some of Us would like to suggest that you go fu(k yourself for pointing it out. Don’t taunt the wretched, bee-yotch.)


who's being incredibly demanding, and as much as you might love them there's no doubt it's taxing to take such good care of their needs. (We are clearly stuck in Someone Else’s Horoscope. We hope We will still get paid for writing this…)


Others of you are feeling a distance between you and your loved one. (Begging the question of just exactly how far is it to Uranus? (Which brings Us to a little pop music trivia…”Just Exactly How Far Is It To Uranus?” was the original title of the Dionne Warwick hit, “Do You Know The Way To San Jose?” before Dionne had a psychic premonition that told her to change it. She and Burt Bacharach didn’t speak for several years over that.))


(Would We lie? We would not. (We would, however, now be sitting here thinking of songs with geographic place names in their titles, and changing them all to Uranus…”Welcome to the Hotel Uranus”…”Everything’s up-to-date in Uranus”…”Start spreading the news…I’m leaving today…I wanna be a part of it, Uranus, Uranus!”…See? Isn’t this fun?))


Try not to paper over any cracks this cycle - it really won't pay. (Well, of course not. Paper in the crack is just the beginning of the long downward spiral to dingleberries, and We all know it. Also, Jimmy smokes crack, and I don’t care.)


And some of you have to face romantic reality. (“I love Uranus in ze Springtime; I love Uranus in ze Fall…”)


Whatever the case, good news: today and the next few days promise some light relief. (We were gonna try to think up some more Uranus songs, but We are getting all excited to see what Uranus-based adz this mess generates. See ya on the flip side!)



(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


Everybody needs a little cowgrass-C.)

The wind began to switch - the house to pitch and suddenly the hinges started to unhitch.

Greetings, Esquimeaux Require Infinitesimal Coppertone™---


Here is your horoscope for Saturday, February 06, 2010 (Before We forget to mention, today’s pixture? Is a barstool for a man wearing a kilt. Also, We’re not sure if We ever pointed out in The Horoscope Proper (“Propriety” being, naturally, Our middle name) that the flipping-through-a-magazine-headed-guy pixture from a few days ago that is continuing to disturb Our Gentle Readers is from here: http://www.unstage.com/2010/02/photo-retouching-by-waldo-lee/ , and was shared with Us via Google Reader by OurFutureExHusbandKevin.):


(The ever-helpful-and-yet-always-just-one-beat-off (heh) Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to change “Is a barstool for a man wearing a kilt.” to “Is a barstool for a man wearing a kilt?” What kind of @sshole question izzat? On the next Oprah: Is a barstool for a man wearing a kilt? Just exactly how much discussion does anyone imagine is going to ensue? (We are desperately working Our way up to a “bagpipes” joke, but We’re not quite there yet. So We’re going to move on, and hope that it comes to Us later.))



(So guess what? It snew! It has, in fact, snown. Simultaneously, it has also blew and blown. More importantly, it continues to snow. And blow. And appears prepared to continue to do so in a trousseau like Robinson Crusoe (sorry) for most of the rest of the day. Our euphoria can barely be contained. At some point, We shall be forced to put on Our parka and Our mukluks and go out with a shovel to pretend manfully to reposition some of the d@mn stuff. This, however, will occur only after We have learned Our lines for Our upcoming show.)


(We have just looked out Our window, where Our neighbor (the would-be drummer) appears to be shoveling his snow onto Our sidewalk. Apparently, he does not know a b1tch when he sees one. Because if in fact this snow reapportioning plan of his is anything more than a temporary measure, We shall assuredly p00p in his mailbox.)


(It occurs to Us that “p00p in his mailbox” sounds like a euphemism for something, but We really don’t want to know for what.)


(Speaking of p00ping, last night We had yet another dream about a family reunion. This particular family reunion, however, did not seem to involve Our Own Personal family. (You are wondering, no doubt, where the “p00ping” aspect enters the picture. We are coming to that.) So there We were, in a bathroom, having just finished doing some bathroomesque thing or another when a little girl of about six years old opened the door and walked in. Having completed Our bathroomission, We were, fortunately, fully clothed, but We still felt compelled to say, “Hey! I’m still in here!” To which the adorable little moppet responded, “I don’t give a sh1t.”)


(We don’t make this stuff up, folks. Meanwhile, since all of Our fellow City Of Brotherly Love Handles citizens are just as snowed in as We are, with nothing to do but compute on their computers, it’s as good a time as any to buy your tickets to the WaitStaff’s VD show Desperate and Dateless at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 and visit Us at Our website http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/The-WaitStaff/177605379471?ref=ts . )


Working within boundaries and restrictions could really get to you today, Aries. (Mmm-hmm. You should see Us shovel snow. Meanwhile, there is a car parked in every spot on OurStreetWhereWeLive (We shall be opening their back doors to shovel snow into them later), begging the question of where We would park Our car if We had such a thing. Inquiring minds want to know.)


Yours is an independent spirit and your best achievements are often born of doing things your own way. (A couple of hours of rote memorization, and then some physical labor…is this a fu(king Day Without Sunshine, or what?)


Yet like it or not, (Some like it hot, pease porridge in the pot, not a little not a lot, kiss me on the G-spot.)


(What the h3ll just happened there?)


we all have to follow guidelines and rules. (And that? Sounds even more exciting than learning lines and shoveling snow. (We keep typing “shovelling” with two Ls, and Micro$oft Weird™ keeps taking one away. Which means, at the end of the day, that Micro$oft Weird™ has this whole cache of hidden Ls to do with as it pleases. Sell ‘em on the black market, or whatnot.))


(It’s not paranoia if everyone really is out to get you.)


Do your best to follow suit (And call a spade a spade, Donald Trump.)


(What?)


and finish what needs to be done. ((A). This horoscope. (Number Two). Learn lines. (Furthermore) Shovelllllll snow. (How We are managing to refrain from going back to bed this very minute is beyond Us.))


Afterward, you may find more freedom to act independently without consequences. (Or to act inconsequentially without dependencies. Your mileage may vary.)


Exercise patience and diligence as needed today. (Go fu(k yourself as needed today. (We? Are an Aries. Where the h3ll is all this “patience” and “diligence” supposed to come from? @sshat.))


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


McCowgrass …over 5 billion served.)

LOST without your love

Greetings, Eventually, Rapunzel Implemented Conditioner---


Here is your horoscope for Friday, February 05, 2010 (Did you hear? There’s a snowstorm coming. Quick, Robin, to the BatPoles…We must go to the market and buy up all the bread, milk, eggs, and toilet paper. Then, We shall eat French toast for three days and, presumably, p00p a lot.):


(People? Are insane. Today would ordinarily be Our day to pillage and plunder the Ack-A-Me, but We can only imagine the frenzy that is currently underway there. We may have to toddle over later, just to point at people and laugh. And why is there a blizzard coming anyway? We are not scheduled to be hosting a party this weekend.)


(Here for Our fellow Lost fanatics is a side-by-side video of the first scene from Season One next to the first scene from Season Six. (Actually, you don’t need to know a single thing about Lost to find this interesting. So, non-Lost-fans, check it out as well, and tell Us if We’re wrong. (It’s only about a minute and a half, and it’s work safe (unless you happen to work for Oceanic Airlines)))).

(That video comes to Us courtesy of TCBITWWW, whom We spoke to last night. Then We had a dream in which We were visiting him on The Left Coast, and We were sitting around his beach house(!) drinking sparkling red wine. Whatever the h3ll sparkling red wine is. All We know is, it was red wine, and it was fizzy. (Fizzy Wizzy Frigidaire™, Fizzy Wizzy, call up Cher, so Fizzy Wizzy isn’t fizzy, Wheezy. (Sorry.)) After the wine, We went and did a show with Willam Belli. (We should be so lucky.) With dreams like that, it is unclear to US why We ever bother getting out of bed.)


(We have some 250 seats to fill, so We are going to continue to point out that you can buy your tickets to the WaitStaff’s VD show Desperate and Dateless at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 . Visit Us at Our website http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/The-WaitStaff/177605379471?ref=ts . And watch this space for info on where to hang out with Us after the show that night (another show immediately follows Ours at the World Café, so, while you can show up there as early as 6PM for drinks and dinner (and did We mention drinks?), We shall have to leave the premises immediately following the chortling of the last guffaw.))



(Our-O-Scope…)


Whether it's business or pleasure on your mind, (There’s no business like snow business like no business I know…(See? How can you be upset about a blizzard when you’re thinking about Ethel Merman? (Also, Micro$oft Weird™ is actually suggesting that We change “snow” in that sentence to “show”. Fu(k ‘em since they can’t take a joke.)))


fast-talking can save the day today. (Fill in the blank: “You fast talker, _____________.”


(A.) Alte kocher


(B.) Davey Crockett


(C.) Ashton Kutcher


(Hey, there’s a blizzard coming. Obviously, We have lost Our mind(s).))


If you have a project you want to get finished over the weekend, (Tough! Because there’s gonna be six feet of snow! All you’ll be able to do is eat French toast and p00p.)


the skies are certainly speeding things up. (Gray skies are gonna clear up…sit on Our happy face.)


(Life is just a Broadway musical, innit?)


Ideas should flow (Menstrually?)


and conversations should be anything but stilted today. (Fine. Let’s have a long unstilted conversation about how Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t recognize the adverbial form “menstrually”. Adjectivally, One could obviously have a menstrual show, although the blackface and banjos might be somewhat politically incorrect. But don’t try to tell that to The New Christie Menstruals. (Oh, now Micro$oft Weird™ won’t even let Us pluralize it? And this after a Goo-Goo-Googley-eyed search revealed that, in the UK, the Mars Candy Company sells a candy called Menstruals. Which are, essentially, chocolate M&Ms, except they’re all brown. (We are not making this up. http://www.ciao.co.uk/Galaxy_Minstrels__Review_5422508 (Although it is entirely possible that We are talking at crossed porpoises. Perhaps the impending snowpocalypse has deranged Us.))))


Watch out if you think someone's trying to pull one over you with their own fast-talking - you might be 200% right! (Okay, is 200% right a left, or a wrong? We are so confused…)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


Mars Cowgrass Menstruals…betcha can’t eat just one!)

If a pitcher paints a thousand worms, then why can’t Fu Manchu?

Greetings, Effeminate Rockclimber In Culottes---


(In your mind’s eye, you are looking up that rockclimber’s culottes, aren’t you? Because you are a dirty, dirty birdie. (He’s wearing women’s panties. They say “Tuesday” on the front.))


(Does anyone else feel like they need a bath now? Just Us? Alrighty, then. Meanwhile, since when is “rockclimber” not a word? Next thing ya know, they’ll be putting a red squiggly line under “rockgarden”. And “rocklobster”. And “RockHudson”. (Oh, look; they did. Clearly, We are prescient, and clairvoyant, and ESPenabled. We should write a daily horoscope….oh, wait…))


(So, how many of all y’all read that as “Eee-Ess-Peee-enabled”? Presumably, the rest of you read it as We intended, as “espenabled”, like an esplanade gone horribly, horribly wrong, or an effeminate rockclimber in culottes and espadrilles.)


(If you can show Us in Our contract where it says We’re supposed to have any idea what the fu(k We’re talking about, We shall gladly cease and desist. Till then, it’s Katie-bar-the-door, nipples to the wind and t1ts akimbo. Because Our ass and Our personality are the same thing: huge and in your face.)


(In other news, somewhere amidst Our Groundhoggian Retrospective the other day, We were reminded that February is Black History Month. So, in honor of same, today’s pixture. Because it would truly be a black day in history if you woke up and found that looking back at you.)


(We didn’t even get to “Here is your horoscope…” yet, did We?)


Here is your horoscope for Thursday, February 04, 2010 (Ah, that’s better. But February made me shrivel, with evely egg roll I’d derivel…ooops, sorry; We forgot Ourself. Once again behaving in a manner We had sworn to eschew (gesundheit (thank you)).):


(Before We begin the beguine better known as Eric’s Daily Horoscope (and parenthetically (hence the parentheses), We just went to look up “beguine” which We were always pretty sure was a dance, and found this: “a member of any of several lay sisterhoods founded in the Netherlands in the 13th century.” We refuse to sully Our innocence further by attempting to ascertain exactly what they mean by “lay sisterhoods”. We have decided to assume that they are talking about potato chips, and betcha can’t eat just one. (Although that sounded pretty dirty too. Perhaps We should abandon this parenthetical apace, before We find Ourselves all caught up in nun p0rn.)), We should point out that you can buy your tickets to the WaitStaff’s VD show Desperate and Dateless at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 . Visit Us at Our website http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/The-WaitStaff/177605379471?ref=ts . And watch this space for info on where to hang out with Us after the show that night (another show immediately follows Ours at the World Café, so, while you can show up there as early as 6PM for drinks and dinner (and did We mention drinks?), We shall have to leave the premises immediately following the chortling of the last guffaw.))



(But soft! What wind through yon Uranus breaks? It is the Moon, and Juliet is your son, the effeminate rockclimber. (We are so fu(king cultured, We could just sh1t. G0ddamn Shakespeare and everything. (Although We are really riding this effeminate rockclimber bit like a two-dollar wh0re on a polo pony, aren’t We?)))



(Before you ask, no. We have no idea why she’s on a polo pony.)


If there are work or administrative matters (Then why can’t I paint you? (Seriously…whatever happened to David Gates and Bread?))


you need to get tied up, (Is it just Us, or does that particular part of this extremely tedious sentence work much better on its own?)


don't delay, get organised today. (“Organised” is, of course, the British spelling. Which is ridiculous, because how organized can they be, when they can’t even remember to go to the dentist?)


(That right there? Is what ya call your “post-politically-correct equal-opportunity racism”. Because We? Have Our finger on the pulse. (So please don’t close your zipper real quick. KThxBye.))


Mercury will leave your 10th House in about a week, for another year, but right now, you're in a strong position to get loose ends and boring details tied up, both at work and wherever you're dealing with someone in authority. (So many words, so little interest. All We remember reading in that sentence is “boring details”. Sing it, sistah!)


If there's a project at work which you've been either working hard on, thinking a lot about or - contrariwise - dragging your heels on, (See, We tried to leave the poor effeminate rockclimber alone, and right away Kelli gives Us “drag” and “heels”. Sigh. What’s a blogger to do?)


this is the time to put in that last minute mental effort. (Our personal mental effort will be spent altering “minnit” to “my-newt” in that sentence. Words are fun.)


Working late is a good idea now, if need be. (Mmm-hmm. Eight-track tapes were a good idea once, too. Just ask David Gates and Bread.)


(Our comedy, they comes in layers. Like a Ritalin, wrapped in a misery, shrouded by a smegma. Deep, We are, and meaningless.)


(Micro$oft Weird™ is pretending not to know “smegma”. Clearly, they never saw that underground stag film with David Gates and the effeminate rockclimber.)


(Okay, that’s enough. YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


Cowgrass Records presents David Gates and Bread’s Greatest Hit.)

If ya wanna bump it, bump it with a trumpet, strumpet

Greetings, Equator Reaches Infinite Circumference---


Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, February 03, 2010 (Well, We trust all y’all had a lovely, festive Groundhog Day yesterday, made just a little brighter by Our Eric’s Daily Horoscope retrospective. Meanwhile, it would seem that We have been laboring under a misapprehension for lo these many years. Turns out, The Feast Of Saint Blaise is the day after Groundhog Day; to wit, today, you twit. So, sorry, Saint Blaise. But your name still sounds like a p0rno star. “Once again, ladies and g3nitals, the multi-talented Miss Trixie Saint-Blaise, and her incredible ping-pong ball shooter-c00ter!” (You should get that thing blessed, Trixie. And probably your throat, as well. (Why they singled out the throat for blessing has always been beyond Us. (Is there a Saint Linda Lovelace?)))):


(Heh. “To wit, today, you twit.” We are a poet, but We are unaware of it.)


(Oh, for you trivia buffs (“Ladies and g3nitals, the multi-talented Miss Trivia Le Boeuff, and her incredible…” (Well, never mind that just now…)) and Quizzo players, you may want to make a mental note that Saint Blaise? Is also the Patron Saint of wool. We are not making that up. Although what the h3ll use a stripper has for wool is beyond Us. (This entire “Mister Rogers’ cardigan” scenario just leapt unbidden into Our brain. Excuse Us while We mental floss.))


(“Won’t you” (BUMP!) “be my” (BUMP!) “neighbor?” (Check out that g-string, King Friday The Thirteenth!))


(In other news, last night was, of course, the season premiere of the final season of Lost. Obviously, if you are a fan, you have seen it by now, and if you are not a fan, you haven’t, so there is no need for Us to go into detail. We will, however, just say that We watched it in real time, which We usually don’t do, and they couldn’t have crammed more commercials in there if the fu(king show were (subjunctively) a clown car. Jeebus.)


(It is also, of course, Hump Day, so while you are having your throat blessed, you may wanna ask ‘em to bless your hump as well. (You get an extra plenary indulgence and a pagan baby if they say, “What hump?”))


(Our-O-Scope…)


Your romantic wishes do have a real chance of coming true now, as long as you're not wishing for something which depends (Trust Us…at no point do Depends™ enter into Our romantic wishes.)


on someone else doing a 180 degree about turn. (Dunno ‘bout you, but “a 180 degree about turn” sounds like The Buttsecks to Us!)


Hanging on to someone or something romantically when you know it's not going to work out means you miss chances to manifest something that will work out for you. (Oh, “manifest” THIS, you lobotomized New-Age @sshat!)


It’s a great time to have a think (Don’t mind if We do…and put an extra olive in it. What? Oh. Never mind.)


about where you are and aren't (Yes, We shall make excellent use of Our time by sitting about thinking about where We aren’t. We aren’t, for example, in Johnny Depp’s buttcrack. However, having now thought about it, We suspect We shall be able to think of precious little else. Sigh.)


(We would like to point out that Micro$oft Weird™ refuses to acknowledge either “buttcrack” or “buttsecks” as words. This, of course, from the people who deny both Blaise and Trixie. Clearly, their heathen throats shall remain unblessed, and not so much as a single ping-pong ball shall issue forth, much less shoot, from their talentless c00ters. Verily We say unto thee, and merrily We roll along, roll a joint or use a bong.)


(What? It’s OUR mind; you’re just visiting.)


being realistic about your relationships. (Oh, where’s the fun in that?)


Happy attached Aries could be about to get even happier. (We’ll have what she’s smoking.)


Financially, things are also well-starred. (“Well-starred”? Jigga what? We are so poor, We cannot even pay attention.)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


choosy motherfu(kers choose cowgrass)

I'm gonna have you n@ked by the end of this song

Greetings, Eerily Repeating Identical Chronicles---


(The above picture is the closest We could get to the Groundhog seeing his shadow.)


Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, February 02, 2010 (Oddly enough, one of Eric’s Daily Horoscope’s most memorable holidays through its torrid, turgid history has been Groundhog Day, which, it seems, has happened over and over again. As a treat for Our longtime readers, and to imbue Our new readers with a sense of the history and gravitas (gesundheit (thank you)) that surrounds the efforts of Your Humble Scribe, We herewith present every Groundhog Day Eric’s Daily Horoscope intro in written history, all the way back to 2004. (Long-time readers (at least those who have yet to be confined to complete bedrest in old-age homes) will note that Eric’s Daily Horoscope actually dates back, as We are fond of reporting to “Since 2001”. Unfortunately, the first three years were presented in cave paintings, which have long since been urinated away by woolly mammoths. Too bad, so sad, @nal s3x with your dad.)) :


**************(Way-Back Machine sound effects)******************************


Greetings, Eels Reel Ideal Creel---


Here is your horoscope for Monday, February 02, 2009 (Apparently, it is not bad enough that it is Monday morning. No, the EAC has decided that there should be further fu(kwittery thrown into Our day, and, consequently, they have put a hex on the WorldWideInterWebNetz which has rendered Our http://www.superalternative.net inaccessible. Thus, We are forced to listen to RadioFreeCleveland, where they spent the morning interviewing some band called the WMDs and bleeping the word “ho” out of the “don’t trust a ho” line in 3OH!3’s song “Don’t Trust Me”. (Seriously…We are NOT making that up. Bleeped it, they did. Hos, apparently, are unacceptable in Ohio. Hostess Ho-Hos™ are a no-no. What the h3ll Santa Claus says when he laughs there is beyond Us.)):


(On the plus side, shortly after We tuned into RadioFreeCleveland, they took Us live to Punxsutawney for the annual Groundhog Day festivities. (Really…they did. We are not making THIS up, either. (Is Our life glamorous, or what? (WHO said, “Or what”?))) We are pretty sure We’ve never actually heard a live report from the very shadow-seeing moment of this auspicious occasion. Because, if We had, We would certainly have remembered that it takes place on something called Gobblers Knob, which We have immediately adopted to be Our new p0rn name.)


(In case you’re even remotely interested, the smelly little rodent saw his fu(king shadow, thus ensuring Us six more weeks of winter.)


Greetings, Exaggerated Response Includes Colloquialism---


Here is your horoscope for Friday, February 1, 2008 (Oh, see, now. Six hundred and eleventy-twelve days of January and, just when it would be a REALLY good time for, say, a May, or a June, what do We get? Fu(king February. Home of Groundhog Day. Over and over again. Not to mention the dreaded V.D. And Presidents Day, just to remind us all how very desperately we need a new one. With a BRAIN, maybe, this time. (Apparently, this has to be specified in advance. Who knew?)):


Greetings, Elastic Really Impedes Circulation—

Here is your horoscope for Friday, February 02, 2007 (Well, well, well. Look at that. Groundhog Day, all over again. Also, happy birthday to Christine, who turns twenty-four today. (And who, I fear, has completely fallen off this hallowed list…Charley, are you still here? Do you have contact info for Christine?) Also, it strikes me that it is also someone else’s birthday, but, as I haven’t my datebook with me, I have no idea whose. (Hey, I can’t do EVERYTHING. D@mmit.) (Also, since when is “datebook” not a word?) But happy birthday, whoever you are, and I’m sure you’re turning twenty-four.):


Greetings, Eels Repulse Iguana Collectors—

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, February 02, 2006 (So many holidays, so little hilarity. Ensuing or otherwise. Happy Groundhog Day (again (see what I did there?)); did the little p3cker see his shadow or what? Happy Feast of Saint Blaise, clearly an excellent day to deep-thr0at a Catholic priest and earn another star on your crown in Heaven. Happy birthday to Christine, who turns 24 today. Happy first day of the new SURVIVOR. Oh, and Happy Black History Month; it was pointed out to me yesterday by my granddaughter (Hi, Mo’Niques!) that I had neglected to mention that it was Black History Month (well, actually, “Munf”). And if there’s one thing We love here at Eric’s Daily Horoscope, it’s Our Black History. Or, as We like to call it, The Cottonpickin’ Chronicles. (Oooops…I’d better bl0w TWO priests, or I’m goin’ straight to h3ll.)) :


Greetings, Eric—

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, February 02, 2005 (Happy Hump Day! Also, Happy Feast of Saint Blaise! (Although if I were gonna pick a body part that could use some blessing, I’m thinkin’ it wouldn’t be my throat. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.) Also, Happy Groundhog Day! (Of course, around here, EVERY day is Groundhog Day, but maybe that’s just me.) Also, Happy Birthday to Christine, who turns 24 today! Day-um, that’s a whole lotta Happy, all in one Day! And a whole lotta exclamation points! Also known, for the trivia-minded among you, as “interrobangs”! Which I’m just gonna go right ahead and make the Word of the Day! Because it sounds dirty! But it isn’t! Say it with me! “Interrobang!” See! That was fun!):


Tuesday, February 3, 2004:


(Happy birthday to Christine. Also Happy Groundhog Day. And Happy Feast of Saint Blaise. Whose name doesn't sound so much like a saint as it does a p0rn star, but whatever. Happy, happy, happy.)

(Okay, so I did some research. A football game is sixty minutes long, divided into four quarters of fifteen minutes each. How, then, is it possible that ONE football game was on my television for FIVE HOURS???)

(Dear Mister Timberlake: The move you were attempting was actually originated by Mister Mick Jagger in 1985 when he ripped off the skirt of Miss Tina Turner at Live Aid. Of course, Mister Jagger being a highly trained professional, his execution of the move did not result in a display of the aforementioned Miss Turner's c00ter, or any of her other private parts. Also, Miss Turner was not old enough to be Mister Jagger's mother. Because you were no doubt not born yet at the time, it is unlikely that you will recall that neither Mister Jagger nor Miss Turner made any sort of apology or explanation for the incident. Oh, and "wardrobe malfunction"? No str8 boi would ever say that. I'd being firing your PR people at once if I were you. Truly, Tipsy.)

(Dear Miss Jackson: Yes, you ARE nasty. Please go away, and take the rest of the tragic mess you call a family with you. Oh, and if it was such a shocking unplanned incident, WHY WERE YOU WEARING A PASTY? Truly, Tipsy.)

(Oh, I'm sorry...you were expecting a horoscope, and you got Andy Rooney. Oh, well; it sux to be you. Here's that 'scope thingie...)

**************(Way-Back Machine sound effects in reverse)************

(Aaaaannnd We’re back to 2010. Wasn’t that a festive little tiptoe through the tulips of history? Happy birthday to Christine, who turns twenty-four today. We hear tell that she has moved to suburbia, had a baby, and married a Republican, although most likely not in that order. We shall have to make an effort to get back in touch…perhaps she would like to hire a poolboy. At any rate, We trust that you have all ordered your Lunette™ Menstrual Cups (and, if not, please see yesterday’s Epistle to the Rich Corinthian Leathermen at http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/02/bermuda-bahama-come-on-lady-gaga.html (We are nothing if not self-referential)), and so, on with Our-O-Scope…)


Don't be afraid to say what you want or need to at work or to a colleague or client today. (Go on and tell me what you want, what you really, really want…(Oh, come on…you were thinking it, too.))


(Whoever just called Us “Old Spice”, please be aware that We will be over to your place as soon as We’re through here to “bless your throat”.)


You have excellent Stars for being able to turn things around professionally now, (Is it just Us, or does “turn things around professionally” mean “buttsecks” to you, too?)


as long as you're open and honest. (Yeah. That’ll happen.)


Conversations you have now related to work should have a pleasant "quick silver" feel to them. (Um, yo, @sshat? “Quick silver” doesn’t mean anything. Meanwhile, “quicksilver” is mercury. Oh, and Shut. Up. Kelli.)


Aries who want changes at work or for things to happen speedily also have the Stars on their side. (Fine. We’ll take Paul Lynde for the block.)


On another level altogether, Aries who want to get more spiritual have all the celestial support they could ask for. (Wait till Playtex™ hears about this!)


Make it part of life! (To life, to life, lick hym3n! (And here, We thought Fiddler on the Roof was a family musical…))


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


cowgrass…we’re getting there.)

Bermuda, Bahama, come on Lady GaGa

Greetings, Ecclesiastical Robes Impede Chacha---


Here is your horoscope for Monday, February 01, 2010: (Oh, my dears! It’s February Oneth, a whole new month! (And they say nothing rhymes with month…amateurs.) We have a number of reader submissions today, which is fortuitous, as We have nothing whatsoever to tell you. This publication-on-the-weekends business is really shooting Our wad. As it were. Let’s start out with a little musical selection, courtesy of OurMizCathy, in honor of the Grammys, which We understand were last night. (We did just happen to catch a moment of same, when We switched off a DVD. One of the Beatles was doddering about, talking about Bobby Darrin and Mack the Knife . We were pretty sure We were having an acid flashback. Needless to say (watch as We say it anyway), We promptly shut it off.))

(Funny how acid flashbacks and acid reflux aren’t at all the same thing. Not, of course, so much “funny: ha-ha” as “funny: I’d’ve thought separating conjoined twins would have been a job for a professional”.)


(In the interests of full disclosure, We should let you know that We debated for a good long while about “conjoined twins” versus “Siamese twins” in the preceding paragraph, to the point of actually typing and replacing them both several times. In the end, We decided that, for some reason, the politically correct “conjoined” was funnier in this particular instance. Which would not ordinarily be the case. Comedy is difficult, and you’re welcome.)


(Astute readers (i.e. non-n@ked skimmers (n@ked skimmers being, for any newbs in the place, or for any n@ked skimmers who have perchance alit on this particular paragraph, those who only occasionally peruse (i.e. “skim”) these words of wisdom with only one eye. (This is not, of course, intended to mock in any way those of Our Gentle Readers who only have one eye. Unless, naturally, said eye is right in the middle of their forehead, in which case, what the h3ll’s up with that ? (Here is a bit of fascinating Eric’s Daily Horoscope trivia: while We have factual evidence that We have a number of n@ked skimmers (one, for instance, asked Us recently how Our job was going), when We actually say “n@ked skimmers” in these pages, We always picture the same one. We wonder if you know who you are. (Here’s a hint: We have actually seen you n@ked.))))...could anyone possibly remember what We were talking about before the onset of these parentheticals? We didn’t think so. Astute readers, We were saying, will have noticed how enamored We are of the advertising slogan for a particular brand of feminine hygiene product. Apparently, We are not alone. Herewith, courtesy of OurMizDonna, a letter from a satisfied customer:


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads forover 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without theLeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. Ican't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's alittle F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now.As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll betransformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'

Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about ourintense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.

'Are you f---ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling,laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan toend your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always....

Wendi Aarons

Austin , TX

(Our-O-Scope:)


What do you do that other people recognize you for? (What, this horoscope is not enough?)


It could be job, (Could be. But it isn’t. Loser.)


it could be looking after your family? (And again We say…)


Whatever it is, (Way to evade the issue, @sshat.)


the pressure's on you right now and the number one thing you can do is work to learn how to maintain your cool. (The number two thing you can do is, of course, p00p. (Oh, please….who didn’t see THAT coming?))


This will stand you in good stead (Is there somewhere We could stand instead of good stead? ‘Cause We’re not sure We could stand standing in good stead instead of standing in some other stead instead.)


(“How much wood would a woodchuck chuck” is fu(kin’ funnier when you say “c0cksucker”.)


not just now but for the next few years. (Years? YEARS?!? Sigh. )


This week in particular though, (Could We start with just this morning? We’re simple people here.)


you'd also do well to either try to think of a new way to tackle an issue facing you, and/or to allow room for some new routines (Oh, great. Now We have to learn how to twirl a fu(kin’ baton. Probably while it’s on fire. Where the h3ll are We gonna find a miniskirt and white go-go boots?)


and schedules to develop. (Like an overexposed Polaroid™, curling up in the sun. (That was a little bit of poetic poetry-like poem, for Our poetically-minded readers. (Hi, Greg! Feel free to steal that if you want. (It’s okay…We’ve never seen you n@ked.)))


Go with the flow and (Have a happy period?)


keep your mind fluid. (Our mind, she is vodka. Meanwhile, We are sick to death of Micro$oft Weird™ trying to turn “n@ked” into an email address…)




(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


cowgrass…for that not-so-fresh feeling)