Making movies on location

Greetings, Euthanasia Really Isn’t Chinese---


Here is your horoscope for Friday, February 12, 2010 (Happy Abraham Lincoln’s Actual Birthday. And Happy Beginning Of The VD Weekend: May all your chancres be pustulent, and your discharges scalding. And Happy Presidents Day, although We’re sure We’ll see you again before then. What a jam-packed, fun-filled holiday weekend! Now if someone would just deliver the mail and take away the trash, We’d be good to go.):


(Speedy recover to Our cousin Chris, who is having surgery today to repair his injured driving finger. (“Driving finger” being, of course, the middle finger of One’s left hand, the left hand being the one that goes out the window when One is driving.))


(It was, of course, Lily Tomlin who said (We paraphrase) that humans invented language because of their deep need to complain. (And, parenthetically (hence the parentheses), if there’s a job out there that requires complaining raised to an art form, sign Us up.) It was We, however, who, in addition to We-We-We-ing all the way home, said that humans invented SitOnMyFaceBook so they could look up people who had dumped them years ago and find out that they were now fat and in relationships with ugly people.)


(Not, of course, that this happened to Us this very morning. And not, of course, that We’re gloating about it.)


(If you are still stuck on “We-We-We-ing all the way home”, perhaps you’re not ready to be a full-fledged Eric’s Daily Horoscope reader. But you’re in luck! Any day now, We shall be launching Eric’s Daily Horoscope Junior, for children 8 years old and up. (We’re stopping right here, because, seriously, We just thought of that joke as We were typing it, so that’s really all there is. But really…would the junior high school set love Us, or what?))


(Meanwhile, on Eric’s Dream Channel last night (which bears no relation whatsoever to Barbie’s Dream House), the dream that We can remember involved Us getting on a plane. As We went through the door to the plane, We pulled a half-empty two-liter bottle of Diet Coke™ out of Our garment bag and handed it to the stewardess, saying, “I can’t take this on the plane, can I?” Because Our dreams apparently have product placement now.)

(There are those, no doubt, who will object to Our use of the word “stewardess”, blah-blah-blah sexist, blah-blah-blah “flight attendant”. We are here to tell you that, if We got all the way to the door of the plane with a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke™, We are clearly back in the day when the term “stewardess” flourished. Also, the soda probably had cyclamates in it, and you’re lucky We didn’t say Tab™.)


(We took Our seat in the plane, which, speaking of back in the day, was oddly decorated with faux wood paneling and royal blue shag carpeting. It was also very sparsely populated with other passengers, each of whom had at least several rows of seats to themselves, as did We. We began perusing the WorldWideInterWebNetz on some device which We can only presume was an iPad, which was peculiar, because We’ve never even seen an iPad in real life (We still have a StupidPhone…that is the correct term for precursors to SmartPhones, yes?). At any rate, the device was larger than a phone, and had no keyboard, and We were perusing a message board We belong to, to the point of reading a message from someone whose username We recognized, talking about how a rather significant birthday had “snuck up on her”. The stewardess at this point served Us a cup of boiling hot coffee, which kept spilling all over Our right hand (and the royal blue shag carpet) as We perused the InterNetz with Our left, because the plane was now taxiing all over the streets of Philadelphia. Which, in Our estimation, was not getting Us any closer to Our destination of Los Angeles. In addition, it occurred to Us that We had never alerted TCBITWWW that We were coming, nor had We made any arrangements for accommodations or being picked up at the airport. Oddly, Our InterNetz-Perusal Device seemed to be read-only, so We were unable to use it to do any of these things.)


(There was also a subplot involving a rich invalid in a wheelchair, with a nurse, who had a private room (!) on the plane, but enough about stupid dreams. We never did get to LA; in fact, the stupid plane never left the streets of Philadelphia. Sigh.)


(That was one of those stories that seemed to have much more of a point when We started telling it. Speaking of pointy things, the WaitStaff’s post-VD sketch comedy show Desperate and Dateless plays for one night only at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th, and you can buy your tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 .)


(Did he just say “speaking of pointy things”?)


You could get into an unnecessary battle over a minor issue today as your key planet Mars stays busy rubbing unyielding Pluto the wrong way. (“Rubbing Unyielding Pluto” was, of course, Our nickname in high school.)



Everything might appear to be going along fine (Oh, please. We don’t even get the illusion of “fine”. Our world, and welcome to it.)



until all of a sudden major parts start to fall apart. (Speaking of falling apart, if today’s horoscope seems a little short, it’s because every Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) site We went to decided to freeze up on Us when Our pop-up blocker started to block pop-ups. We’re not even sure whose prognostications are prognosticating prognosticationally on Us this morning. It’s a jungle out there, and you know what They say: don’t be the bunny.)



(That’s from Urinetown: The Musical. For those who were wondering. And, for those who weren’t wondering, just be grateful We didn’t do the “how much wood would a woodchuck chuck” thing with that pop-up blocker bit back there. You’re welcome.)



Don't panic; (Oh, go stick your head in a pig.)


(Micro$oft Weird™ has stuck a blue squiggly line under “go” in the preceding sentence. Which should mean that it thinks We have chosen Our word incorrectly. However, if it thinks that, it should have a word in mind that We should have used, yes? So when We click on the squiggly blue line, it should tell Us what that word is, instead of coming up with no suggestions, because otherwise, why is it annoying Us with its fu(king squiggly blue line that goes nowhere?)


(We can only imagine that it would prefer “Oh, do stick your head in a pig” (and, in fact, it doesn’t blue-squiggly-line that sentence at all, but (A.) why doesn’t it just say so, and (2.) that sounds awfully prissy and British for Our Own Personal Self.)



just keep returning to the basics and try to simplify your life. (One Uzi, one belltower. Simple.)



(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


Reach out and cowgrass someone.)

I took a voyage to Alaska and fell in love with Tennessee

Greetings, Echo Reiterates Iroquois Curse---


(Eric’s Daily Horoscope Gilt-Edged Guarantee: We will not so much as mention the weather in today’s horoscope, or Your Money Back.)


Here is your horoscope for Thursday, February 11, 2010 (Happy Abraham Lincoln’s Actual Birthday Eve. Abraham would be turning twenty-four tomorrow if he weren’t, ya know, dead. That’s the sort of thing that could put a person off of going to the theater. But don’t let it stop you: the WaitStaff’s post-VD sketch comedy show Desperate and Dateless plays for one night only at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th, and you can buy your tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 .)


(We have, as you might imagine, precious little to report. For all intents and purposes, We could just as well have spent the last few days as an anemic Victorian lady on Our fainting couch with Our smelling salts. Or as a billionaire recluse, watching Our foot-long fingernails grow. (Parenthetically, is it wrong that the only thing We remember about that Howard Hughes movie is Leonardo DiCaprio’s @ssz? (Never mind…We figgered out the answer: what is wrong is that Leonardo DiCaprio’s @ssz does not remember Us.)))


(Today, however, We have A Plan (!) We intend to gird Our loins and venture forth to make it at least as far as the Post Office. (Meanwhile, having given a gilt-edged guarantee, We can’t actually quote it, but We are here to tell you that the US Postal Service slogan from days gone by? Is patently untrue. (Also, “venture froth” is pretty much a meaningless phrase, but you probably could have guessed that on your own.)))


(In still other news, yesterday’s Romeo-but-not-so-much-Juliet screed has resulted in crickets chirping or, as Our Britannian friends would say, “fu(k-all”. Presumably, We shall have to email the link off Our Very Own Selves to the Eve Arden Theater And Live Male Showcase. Perhaps, if We stick a broom up Our @ss, We can sweep the floor while We do it. Harrumph.)


(Our-O-Scope…)


There's a New Moon this weekend (Big fu(kin’ deal…yesterday, there was an Electric Uranus.)


- very auspicious (And magically delicious?)


for any romances just getting off the ground! (We’re sorry…”New Moon” or “Electric Uranus”…which one sounds more auspicious for romance to you?)


Your forecast today is all about where in your chart the New Moon will be energizing of the coming month - happy Valentine’s Day! (Oh, don’t even start in on the dreaded VD…that mess is still days away. (Although We do have a red-hot VD tip (which, now that We type it, sort of sounds like it means something altogether different, disgusting, and discharge-related)…this season’s hottest VD gift? The Electric Uranus Sharpener.))


(Vacation time-shares in Our mind are still available for several weeks in the upcoming months…get yours today!)


The New Moon Eclipse Influencing You Now Is Taking Place In Your 11th House - Your Friends Zone. (Why Is Every Word Capitalized? Are You An Alaskan Retard All Of A Sudden?)


What it means: It's all about your friends, social networks, (Oh, don’t get Us started…have you seen the new “improved” SitOnMyFaceBook yet?)


and your hopes and dreams. (To say nothing of ropes and screams…hey, We’ve got a newly-sharpened Electric Uranus…We’re gonna tie you up and use it!)


Moon Meditation: The friendly people find the friendly people every time. (At Friendly’s? (Because We are An Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know, We just went to Friendly’s website. We were not inspired thereby to say anything humorous. However, it was important to Us that We be given credit for trying.))


There are two main focuses for you this month. (Great. So We’re gonna wind up as cross-eyed as Karen Black.)


The first is on your hopes and dreams. (That’s two already. Good lord, if you can’t even count to two, you really are an Alaskan retard.)


It's said that when the Sun moves through your 11th house-as it's doing now-your powers of wishing are supercharged. (And your Friendly’s fries are supersized. What the h3ll, get fat. It’s just more Alaskan retard to love.)


In other words, be extra careful what you wish for now, because you might get it. (Mmm-hmm. We hereby officially wish to win PowerBall™ and marry Johnny Depp. Please check back in with Us next week to see just how well Kelli’s Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) prognostications turned out.)


The other focus for this month will be your friends and the networks and groups you belong to. (You really can’t count, can you?)


How confident do you feel about your place within those groups? (About as confident as an Alaskan retard at a pie-eating contest.)


(We have absolutely no idea what the preceding sentence meant. It just leapt from Our fingers unbidden, all of a piece, much like Athena from Zeus’s forehead, or Hershey squirts from an Alaskan retard when you sneak up on it from behind and holler “Sasquatch!”)


Are your needs being met (Oh, please. Our needs haven’t even been introduced yet. They are complete strangers, from different countries, who speak foreign languages and have bizarre customs that differ from Our Own.)


and if they're not, what can you do about it? (You already told Us, @sshat…all of Our wishes are about to come true. We are already holding Our breath. (Who’s got a Tic-Tac™?))


New friends are extra likely to come into your life now. (Can they be Extra Crispy instead?)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


Get a little closer, c’mon, don’t be shy, get a little closer with Cowgrass Extra Dry (or Crispy))

This just in...

O, RLY? You just pre-empted an entire afternoon of television to tell Us that it's snowing? You needed to get the Governor of Delaware on the phone to tell Us that it's snowing? And yet, in between telling Us that it's snowing, you were still able to run commercials? And you wonder why no one is watching television any more?

Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill.

Greetings, Empanadas Regurgitated Into Cummerbund---


Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, February 10, 2010 (To add insult to injury (and incense to inquiry, and ingots to Interpol), We are pretty sure that the current precipitation out there in OutsideWorldLand is rain. Which should serve to make conditions even more pleasant than they already are. Meanwhile, it is probably a Very Happy Hump Day for most of you, as both You and The One You Hump are most likely still at home in bed. Together. But We are not bitter. Also, happy birthday to Pam, who turns twenty-four today, and who, Our SitOnMyFaceBook tells Us, is actually working today. Working?!? What’s that?):


(Speaking of SitOnMyFaceBook, We had The New “Improved” Version rolled out to Us (against Our will) yesterday. We cannot take credit for the following, having stolen it from someone on TheWorldWideInterWebNetz, but here it is anyway: if We come into your living room and rearrange all the furniture, that’s not progress, it’s just fu(king annoying. KThxBye.)


(Today’s screed (for screed there shall be…We awoke at 7:30 this morning, and have been unable to go back to sleep, so We are in full-on screed mode, up-to-tempo-for-the-little-motherfu(kers-here-We-go) is about advertising. Specifically, the piece of advertising depixted in today’s pixture. (Hey, if We can have pixtures, We can have depixtions. It all comes down to pixels, anyway. (Mmmm…pizelles. (Sorry. (Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to change “pizelles” to “paellas”. Which, while also yummy, are hardly the same thing.)))) We first became aware of said advertising when We received an oversized postcard of same in yesterday’s post. As you can see, it is touting a production of That Shakespeare Fella’s Romeo AND Juliet (that plus sign, while a pet peeve of Ours, is not the subject of this particular screed) at a Philadelphia theatre company which shall remain nameless except its name rhymes with “Eve Arden” if she didn’t have a first name. If you were (subjunctively) looking at the postcard, you would see that it extends farther in each horizontal direction, and you would be more aware of the (modern) shirt draped across the actor’s shoulders. (The modernity of the shirt is not the issue either; We just threw that in for tecture (“tecture”, of course, being the technical term for texture), as this is also not a screed about Shakespeare in modern dress.))


(However, if We have to type “Shakespeare” one more time, it may become a screed about how difficult it is to type the letters in “Shakespeare” all in the proper order when One is not a trained typist and how stupid a name is Shakespeare, anyway? We say, if you shake it more than twice, you’re playing with it.)


(The fault, dear Bluto, lies not with Our screeds but with Our spells. Also, We fights to the finnich ‘cause We eats Our spinach. On with the screed, this is it: is there not, oh, We don’t know, someone missing from this pixture? Seriously…what’s the name of the play again? What, Juliet didn’t come to work that day? We were given serious pause (not to mention spurious claws (no, seriously…don’t mention them)). Wherefore ever couldst said fair damsel-in-this-dress be? (And why the h3ll does Micro$oft Weird™ allow “couldst” in this day and age?) Could they be doing an all-male version, as would have been done in Shakes—er, That Guy’s time? No, as the actors’ names are on the back of the postcard, with Romeo and Juliet given top billing, and Juliet’s name, while ethnic, is clearly feminine. Could her ethnicity be the issue…perhaps the theatre is afraid of putting off its more whitebread subscribers? No, because it isn’t the Walnut Street Theater. Could it be that she’s just not as pretty as Romeo? For a moment, that seemed the most likely solution because, trust Us, We’ve seen this actor, and there ain’t much that’s as pretty as he is. But again, no…We Googled her, and she is every bit as beautiful as he is. In fact, it’s a shame that Romeo and Juliet both die at the end, because these two could make beautiful chirren together.)


(Oooops…did We spoil the ending for you? Too bad, so sad, @nal s3x with your dad. (Also, does “We Googled her” sound dirty to you?))


(Now We became truly suspicious…is it possible that their marketing has become so sophisticated that they were able to target their g@y and single heteros3xual female customers with a sexy Romeo postcard? Was there an equally sexy Juliet postcard winging its way to their l3sbian and single heteros3xual male customers? A sexy Romeo-and-Juliet-together postcard sent to heteros3xually coupled customers? A sexy Nurse postcard sent to customers with a medical fetish? Inquiring minds wanted to know. Is Our s3xual preference now linked to Our Visa account? How 1984. (And how quaint to think of a time when 1984 was the future. Kinda makes ya wanna party like it’s 1999, don’t it?))


(A quick trip to Eve Arden’s website debunked that notion; the image representing the show was the image of Romeo on the postcard, end of story. And, since We’ve arrived back at that, let Us just say a few (heh) words about it. As We have already mentioned, the actor in question (We shall refrain from naming him, as We don’t want his lawyers showing up at Our door. (However, if he would like to show up at Our door, We’d be happy to slip into something more comfortable. Just sayin’.)) is quite beautiful. (We apologize for Our use of the word “pretty” earlier.) Many of you will have seen him strut and fret his hour upon the stage, as there was a time recently when he seemed to be playing the lead in every play in the city. Simultaneously. (Deb, he was Sexy Spice in The History Boys.) Unfortunately, two of his most strikingly beautiful (facial) features are his eyes, and his smile. Neither of which, you will note, is on display in the image in question. So, while We will certainly agree with any of you who think the image is an attractive one, We are here to tell you that the actor in the image is at least twenty times more attractive than that.)


(So, to sum up, We have no earthly idea what their marketing department is up to. Although they certainly did make Us pay attention. We may have to send this to them and see if they’ll clear up the mystery for Us.)


(And now, as a treat for having tortured all y’all with all that stuff about Shakes-the-Clown so early in the morning, here’s a little video to cheer y’all up. This is especially for Our str8 boi readers, because every so often, We like to throw ‘em a bone. (Heh.) Its work-safety will be determined by whether girls in bikinis are safe for your work, but then, you’re probably not at work today anyway.)

(And now, in case you thought We might neglect to mention it (not bloody likely, what with Our friends from Eve Arden in the house), the WaitStaff’s post-VD sketch comedy show Desperate and Dateless plays for one night only at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th, and you can buy your tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 . Also, visit Us at Our website http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/The-WaitStaff/177605379471?ref=ts . )


(Our-O-Scope…)


Recent career developments or discussions seem practical and possible today as the grounded Capricorn Moon helps you focus on long term goals. (Our current goal is to get out of Our bathrobe and get Our snow shoveled. (Well, yes, We mean to get dressed in between the two. (You just wanted to pixture Us nekkid, and shoveling snow, didn’t’cha? You dirty, dirty birdies.)) If that doesn’t give Us a heart attack, perhaps We shall do some laundry, or dishes, or cleaning. The glamour, she overwhelms Us.)


Links from the fated North Node (Say whuuuuttt???)


suggest it's possible to experience a little of your desired future where work is concerned today, (So, wait…did she just say We’re going to experience the future today? What are We gonna do, read 1984 while We party like it’s 1999, seventy-six trombones led the big parade, with a hundred-and-ten Corvettes right behind?)


but only if you're willing to step out of your comfort zone and try new things. (Honey, it’s a snow day. The farthest We’re gonna get from Our “comfort zone” is shoveling the sidewalk. We would eat nothing but mashed potatoes for the rest of the day if “mash” didn’t sound like a form of over-exertion.)


Electric Uranus (“Electric Uranus”? Scr3w shoveling snow! We’re gonna stay inside and play with Our Electric Uranus!)


energizes you (Like a bunny. Well, like a bunny with an Electric Uranus.)


and suggests there is hidden support available, (Kinda like a stealth j0ckstrap. It’s like a j0ckstrap when you least expect it. Ya know, you’re all, like, walking along, all casual like, maybe whistling a little tune, when all of a sudden…j0ckstrap! Electric Uranus! There’s a party in your pants and everybody’s coming!)


if you only make the first move. (As We may have already mentioned, if We’re expected to make the first move, it’s gonna have to be tomorrow. We are, of course, perfectly happy to sit in OurHouseWhereWeLive and wait for Romeo to show up at Our door with his Electric Uranus. If you count that as the first move, We’ll be happy to make the second one.)


Venus reminds you that it's now or never with that friendship or social matter. (Is it just Us, or does “social matter” sound Not Quite Nice? Just Us? Alrighty, then.)


Make peace or show your appreciation today. (Honey, you just let Us get these big ol’ D batteries into Our Electric Uranus, and We shall appreciate you up one side and down the other.)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


the cowgrass goes in before the name goes on.)

A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido

Greetings, Eunuchs Reverberated Inaudible Contralto---


Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, February 09, 2010 (We are pretty sure that a number of you were wondering why in the h3ll your morning visit to Eric’s Daily Horoscope here in beautiful downtown Bloggonia entailed your staring at a pixture of Dylan, and Brandon, and Brenda, and a whole bunch of other Peach Pit denizens rockin’ their 90s duds and dos. Well, this morning, when We Our Own Selves got up out of bed and stumbled to the kitchen and poured Ourselves a cup of ambition, We were greeted by an email from Yurrup. London, Yurrup, to be exact. Said email, which contained the multi-colored (and yet alarmingly Caucasian) pixture, announced that it was 90210 Day. Because, of course, in Yurrup, they write their dates DD/MM/YY. So today would be 09/02/10, or 9/2/10 (because why would you ever write or not write one zero (sorry, zed) but not write or not write the other?) We fired off a return email, in which We pointed out that over here in The Colonies, 90210 Day would actually be in September, but in retrospect (this clearly being a retro kind of morning) We feel We may have been a bit hasty. Why not just celebrate 90210 Day twice? After all, any excuse for a party and all that. Especially with Snowpocalypse II: Electric Boogaloo on its way.)


(Besides, We would still fu(k Ian Ziering.)


(So slap some mousse into your ‘do, stick some Nirvana on the boombox, and let’s party like it’s 1992! The only thing We’ll guarantee is that 90210 Day, much like every other day around these parts, will be Anything Can Happen Day.)


(The fact that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t recognize the word “boogaloo”, while alarming, certainly explains a great deal.) :


(We can’t wait to see what the Random Adz Generator generates based on this mess.)


(You may only skim the following if you are n@ked. Or if you’ve already bought tickets: please hurry on down to my house, honey, and buy your tickets to the WaitStaff’s VD show Desperate and Dateless at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 .)


(Our-O-Scope…)


If you don't have a dream, how you gonna make a dream come true? (Also, if I can’t have you, I don’t want nobody, baby. (That’s not true. We’re not especially picky. P3nis, pulse, and paycheck. Tell your friends.))


As they asked many moon ago, in that lovely old song. (Clearly, Kelli is dating herself. Or, in this case, carbon-dating herself, as she is referencing a song that appears to be older than We are. Which is obviously impossible, as dinosaurs didn’t have opposing thumbs and, consequently, generally didn’t play the accordion. Unless, of course, you listen to the creationists, in which case you are liable to believe that dinosaurs made up the band on the Titanic. Yes, indeed, ladies and gerbils, that was Dino DinoSaurio and the Reptilianaires playing Nearer My God To Thee.)


(Gee, We sure hope Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet decided to n@kedly skim Eric’s Daily Horoscope today, or they’re in for an acid flashback nightmare of epic proportions.)


Your dreams and goals, what you wish for yourself and your goals - all of these are to be highlighted from today onwards for the next few weeks. (Was it just Us, or did the word “goals” appear one too many times in that sentence?)


Now is the time to think about your expectations. (We’re expecting? Well, that certainly explains the size of Our @ssz.)


Are you hoping and wishing for something which is starting to seem like it's really never going to happen? (No. This very weekend, We shall win PowerBall™ and marry Johnny Depp. We have Creatively ViZZZualized it, so it cannot fail to happen. In other news, you c00zesniffing @sshatted tw@tlick, We come here for answers, not to be asked stupid questions. KThxBye.)


Is there anything you can do, a last ditch effort, to try to turn things around your way? (Hmm…find an Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist who doesn’t ask so many g0dd@mn questions?)


And if not, is there any point clinging on to this dream or is there perhaps some other channel you can put your energies into? (Well, ever since the WB turned into the CW, We’re not quite sure how to channel Our energies. And, seriously, ANOTHER question?)


Or perhaps all is not lost and there is someone you know - socially, or through another network - who can help you? (Heh…get it? “Channel”…”network”…”Shut”…”Up”…”Kelli”.)


Think about it. (Think about this: in anticipation of the latest weather ab0rtion, we at the WaitStaff preemptively cancelled Our scheduled Wednesday rehearsal. What this should mean is that not a particle of snow falls on or anywhere near Us, much like carrying an umbrella prevents the rain. This, however, is trumped by the fact that the weather is going to happen to Us, and if We don’t soon get the h3ll out of this house We are going to go stark staring mad, so not only will there be three feet of snow, there will also be hourly snow enemas, which will somehow not result in Us getting any thinner. Our world and welcome to it.)


This is most definitely the time to be considering the people around you that you're somehow hooked up to. (If you are going to tell Us that Johnny Depp and Ian Ziering ran off together, We are going to stick our fingers in Our ears and sing la-la-la-la-la-la till you go away.)


It's also a good time to be assessing if your dreams and goals are your own or the result of peer pressure. (Hey, it’s 90210 Day…it’s a Yurrupean national holiday. All this “assessing” sounds an awful lot like work. P1ss off, d1ckweed.)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s cowgrass.)

I think I’ll go to Boston

Greetings, Eczema Really Itches Chafingly---


Here is your horoscope for Monday, February 8, 2010 (We have been instructed to say “WHO DAT!”, and thereby to congratulate Our Nawlinsian friends on some super accomplishment or another. Nawlins being pretty much Our favorite city on the planet, We are happy to comply. Geaux Saints! (That sound you hear in the background is all the New Yorkers, hollering. If you just ignore them, they…well, they will holler even louder for a while, but eventually they will be distracted by some bright shiny object.)):


(We are just going to allow today’s pixture to speak for its ownself.)


(We have been neglecting to tell you the most important part of Our trip to the Ack-A-Me on Pre-Snowpocalypse Friday (and parenthetically (a condition cleverly signified by parentheses)), how annoyed were We yesterday to have to go all the way to the Ack-A-Me to obtain a Sunday paper? We bet nobody in Ney York had to go all the way to the Ack-A-Me to get a Sunday Times. (There…We threw all y’all a bone. Stop hollerin’, already.)). We are, for some reason, a Frequent Finder of loose change and the like, Our motto being, of course, “We will bend over for a penny”. In fact, We are on the verge of publishing a short monograph on that very subject, having spent an entire year cataloging Our discoveries. On Friday, however, We bent over for something quite exotic and outré. In fact, We had to bring it home and Google its @ss to discover that what We had in Our hot little hands was a Japanese fifty-yen piece. We were flummoxed and flabbergasted. We may have used the word “outré” in a sentence. What was such an exotic thing doing at Our very Ack-A-Me? And, more to the point, how could We convert it to good old American money so We could spend its Oriental @ss? (Seriously, though…it’s cute and all, with its chrysanthemums, and its hole in the middle, but all things considered, We’d rather have the forty cents. Will One’s bank exchange such a thing for One? Or does One have to go all the way to China? And which part of China is Japan even in? Sigh…))


(And now, in an effort to thoroughly confound Google’s Relevant Adz Generator, here is this:


43 Simple Ways To Simplify Your Life


1. Remove your doors
2. Eat half of each pet
3. Sit on a big, thick book
4. Something something keyring holder
5. Paint clocks cheery pink
6. Wear discarded food
7. Make-believe girlfriend chair
8. Sleep in liquor cabinet
9. Embrace hug love hug meow meow
10. Small room to plan crimes
11. Hack your house key organizer
12. Mail a surprise toaster
13. Just stare more
14. Fourteen
15. Poke holes in paper things
16. Macramé shoelace tree
17. Scrapbook poop and pee
18. Euthanize even faster
19. Amputate favorite limb
20. Pencil shaving gallery
21. Immigrant coat rack
22. Shoebox of dangerous porn
23. Zen unicorn rainbow Zen journal
24. Icepick to one good eye
25. Simplify fourteen harder
26. Aluminum foil swan cozy dryer
27. Smell your finger. All of it.
28. Resimplify your simplicity
29. Habitualize your Zen
30. Remind your drapes, “I love you, Mrs. Textile”
31. Freeze your clutter
32. Couch fort dinner party
33. Nicene creed robot
34. Only sodomize things that forgive
35. Coaxial sweater vest
36. Transitive verb predicate clause
37. More crying but quieter
38. Inhaler nativity
39. Contact paper taxonomy binder
40. America’s Roast Beef: Yes, Sir
41. Breathe like no one’s dancing
42. Unbridled solo diaper play
43. Illuminated panty shrine



You’re welcome. Don’t clique on any of those adz, though. Because you wouldn’t want to help Us out through no effort on your part. And, in case you thought We might neglect to mention it, buy your tickets to the WaitStaff’s VD show Desperate and Dateless at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 and visit Us at Our website http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/The-WaitStaff/177605379471?ref=ts . )


(Our-O-Scope…)


If you feel like you've got a few too many secrets to keep right now, (We would threaten to just start telling them, but We’re pretty sure somebody would show up to kill Us. Because We? Know a LOT of secrets. Many of which We have kept for YEARS. People would be appalled….)


try not to worry too much. (YOU try not to worry too much. WE’RE getting another two feet of snow, and We’ve got nowhere to put it.)


It's just that time of the year for you, (That there? Was a Jeopardy! answer. The question, of course, was “What do you say to an elephant who’s having her period?”)


(There’s just nothing like a good elephant joke, is there? (Has anybody heard one recently?))


when you tend to need to keep things closer to your chest. (That’s what sports bras are for.)


What's been kept quiet now will come out all in good time. (All of a sudden, We feel that We were exceptionally brilliant in choosing today’s pixture.)


If this is connected to a child, a romance or a creative project, it all goes double. (Your daughter’s pregnancy has brought much happiness to Our village.)


(What?)


And PS delays connected to a child, a romance or a creative project are also forecast now, so don't panic if you feel you're getting nowhere fast. (PS Don’t randomly stick “PS” in the middle of a sentence like that, because “PS” means “Post Script”, and words have meanings, and Shut. Up. @sshat.)




(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


so cowgrass you’ll be tempted to eat it with a fork.)

This is the dawning of the Age of Uranus

Greetings, Enchiladae Reject Increased Cilantro---


(Well, why the h3ll isn’t the plural of “enchilada” written as “enchiladae”? They call theyselves Latinos, don’t they? So why don’t they speak Latin?)


Here is your horoscope for Sunday, February 07, 2010 (Being as it is Sunday, and also The Day After Snowpocalypse (also known as SnowMyGod (or, depending on the depth of your interrobang fetish, Snow!My!God!)), We decided to go with a religious pixture today. In case you’re, ya know, reading Eric’s Daily Horoscope on your iPhone in church. (Of course, if you are doing that, what pixture appears at the top of Eric’s Daily Horoscope is soon to be much farther down the list of Things You Should Be Worrying About. We’re just sayin’.)):


(We have precious little to report, having spent yesterday as We are sure most of you did, snowed in after the SnowJob. We learned Our lines, We shoveled Our snow, and We were pleased to have three loads of laundry backed up, because the hot air from the dryer exhaust vent melted a big ol’ hole in Our snowpile. Also, you will be pleased to hear that Our neighbor was only temporarily shifting snow onto Our sidewalk, prior to moving it further off, so We were not compelled to p00p in his mailbox, which would, no doubt have lent a whole new verisimilitude to the phrase “freezing your @ss off.”)


(We just threw “verisimilitude” in there to prove that, no matter what else shrinks in the cold, Our vocabulary doesn’t . Use it three times in a sentence and it’s yours. (“Verisimilitude”, that is, not Our vocabulary. We’re pretty sure that Our entire vocabulary would make for a rather unwieldy sentence.))


(And now, a word from Our sponsor. Well, actually, a word about Our sponsor(s). (No, We’re not going to bother to tell you to clique on Our adz. That might help Us out, and We wouldn’t want that.) If the URL at which you are looking at Eric’s Daily Horoscope looks like this: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/ , click on the title of today’s horoscope (which We haven’t made up what it is yet (edited to add: We have now: click on This is the dawning of the Age of Uranus)), so the URL now looks something like this: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/02/wind-began-to-switch-house-to-pitch-and.html (except with stuff about dawning age Uranus in the end there). (That would be yesterday’s horoscope.) You will notice that the adz, which are generated based on the contents of the individual blog post, are now all about snow removal devices. If you look at Thursday’s horoscope (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/02/if-pitcher-paints-thousand-worms-then.html ), the adz are all about women’s clothing and crossdressing (Thursday, of course, was the infamous Day Of The Effeminate Rockclimber). We confess to being overcome with a wee frisson of anticipation as We wonder what today’s adz will be about. (But don’t clique on any. Oh, no. Because helping people is wrong.))


(Hmm…apparently, We had more to report than We thought. And, lest you thought We were done (or in case you are too overcome by Our use of both “verisimilitude” and “frisson” in the same horoscope to know what you are doing), here is the info about how to buy your tickets to the WaitStaff’s VD show Desperate and Dateless at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 and visit Us at Our website http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/The-WaitStaff/177605379471?ref=ts . )


(Our-O-Scopes…)


With Saturn in your opposite sign, (Our Own Personal opposite sign is Libra. Libra is the sign of Balance. We? Are the opposite of that. Do you see the problem here, NumbNutz?)


you're doing it tough on the relationships front, one way or another. (I’m gonna find you, I’m gonna getchoo, getchoo, getchoo, getchoo. (Is there any morning that can’t be improved by a little Blondie?))


Some of you have a partner (And some of Us DON’T. And some of Us would like to suggest that you go fu(k yourself for pointing it out. Don’t taunt the wretched, bee-yotch.)


who's being incredibly demanding, and as much as you might love them there's no doubt it's taxing to take such good care of their needs. (We are clearly stuck in Someone Else’s Horoscope. We hope We will still get paid for writing this…)


Others of you are feeling a distance between you and your loved one. (Begging the question of just exactly how far is it to Uranus? (Which brings Us to a little pop music trivia…”Just Exactly How Far Is It To Uranus?” was the original title of the Dionne Warwick hit, “Do You Know The Way To San Jose?” before Dionne had a psychic premonition that told her to change it. She and Burt Bacharach didn’t speak for several years over that.))


(Would We lie? We would not. (We would, however, now be sitting here thinking of songs with geographic place names in their titles, and changing them all to Uranus…”Welcome to the Hotel Uranus”…”Everything’s up-to-date in Uranus”…”Start spreading the news…I’m leaving today…I wanna be a part of it, Uranus, Uranus!”…See? Isn’t this fun?))


Try not to paper over any cracks this cycle - it really won't pay. (Well, of course not. Paper in the crack is just the beginning of the long downward spiral to dingleberries, and We all know it. Also, Jimmy smokes crack, and I don’t care.)


And some of you have to face romantic reality. (“I love Uranus in ze Springtime; I love Uranus in ze Fall…”)


Whatever the case, good news: today and the next few days promise some light relief. (We were gonna try to think up some more Uranus songs, but We are getting all excited to see what Uranus-based adz this mess generates. See ya on the flip side!)



(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


Everybody needs a little cowgrass-C.)