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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Someone's pooping, Lord, Kumbaya

Greetings, Everyone Repeatedly Ignored Caterwauling---

Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, August 31, 2010  (We are still sans Micro$oft Weird(TM), so trust Us, there will be typos.  Deal with it. We are expecting Our new hard drive to be installed today, but then of course, that asssumes (thereby making an ass of Us and Uma Thurman) that Rastus G. Tyrone of the unintelligible telephone Ebonix will actually turn up when (We think) he said he would, and that the hard drive will actually function properly once installed.  This being Our life, what are the odds?):

(In other news, thank you all so much for the outpouring of love and support when We detailed Our computer trials and tribulations last week.  Seriously.  It's so nice to know that, if We were (subjunctively) on fire, none of all y'all could be bothered to send somebody ELSE to piss on Us.)

(In keeping with the Kumbaya-singing love-fest that this has clearly become, if it happens to have been your birthday in the past few days, tough fucking shit.  What makes you think it's all about you?)

(Let Us briefly explain the joyous day that was yesterday.  We spent all of Our daytime hours on the phone with various customer service entities.  To sum up how THAT all went, Our LEAST annoying customer service interaction was with the IRS.  And THAT call cost Us over a thousand dollars.)

(Then We went to rehearsal.  We would invite you to Our show, but Our opening is no doubt going to be cancelled by the impending hurricane, and We shall no doubt all be killed.  (Actually, with Our luck, We shall probably just be seriously maimed.  (Who coaxed the blues right out of the horn?))  However, if you would like to purchase tickets that you will not be able to use to keep as souvenirs, please go here:  )


There's nothing you can't accomplish now as long as you can visualize it clearly. (Oh, Jeebus Cripes, don't start with that "viZZZualize" crap.  Every week, We viZZZualize what We will do when We win PowerBall(TM), and every week, We don't win.  This week, of course, We WILL win, but We will be killed in the hurricane.  Or, more likely, Our winning ticekt will be blown down the sewer.  Our world, and welcome to it.)

So what's the hold up? (Insert over-the-sholder boulder holder joke here.)

Start picturing exactly how you'd like your life to be. (In the midst of life We are in death.)

Your only boundary is the reach of your imagination. (Paging Johnny Depp, Johnny Depp to the white courtesy phone please..)

Meditate, dream and fantasize. (Or, to translate to Gaybonix, masturbate, scream, and accessorize.)

No matter how much pressure you get, you won't buckle under. (Hey, a Play-Tex(TM) Living Girdle can only do so much.)

You're absolutely right to insist on standing your ground. (What if We can't stand Our ground?  ( it again.  THERE ya go.))

Believe that, and you'll be invincible, not to mention irresistible. (We have apparently already mastered invisible.)

Tone your usual pace down a few notches -- or decibels, as the case may be. (Oh, please.  Tech rehearsal tonight.  Just kill Us now.)

You need peace, quiet and time to contemplate right now. (Is it too soon to tell the "masturbate, scream, and accessorize" joke again?)

Yoga might be nice. (So might yogurt.  And Yoda.  What's your fucking point?)


Cowgrass.  You're soaking in it.   Slut.)

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Cry me a river

Greetings, Essentially, Resitance Is Counterproductive---

Here is (maybe) your horoscope for Thursday, August 26, 2010:

(You may notice that today's Erix Daily Horoscope has a bit of a different feel to it.  (Not to mention a different smell.  Sort of Axe(TM) Body Spray mixed with crusty gym socks.  But We're blaming THAT on Justin Bieber.  (Who looks for all the world like Elizabeth McGovern in Ordinary People, no?))  We'll complain about the reason for THAT in just a moment.  But first...)

(We are ALREADY having A Very Bad Day.  Which started YESTERDAY, We might add.  So Our relatively new coffeemaker, which will only create coffee if its top is properly closed, really didn't need to choose today to decide not to be able to close its top properly.  Seriously. (Lest you were about to rush over here in an ambulance with a Starbucks Grande, We closed that bitch up with some duct tape, and the coffee, she brews.))

(Now, as to why We are having A Really Bad, Day.  When One has as tenuous a grasp on reality as We do, and One's computer is really pretty much the only source of human contact/enjoyment/entertainment/mental stimulation/income production One has, what is the one thing The Universe is likely to rip away from One while chuckling an evil, throaty chuckle?  Yes, kidz, you guessed it.  We came home yesterday from the Ack-A-Me to Our second case of broken Windows in a month.  Long story short (too late), We called up the Chinamen at Dell-in-the-Phillllippppines (We have no fucking spellcheck, and We have never had any goddamn idea how many Ls and Ps there are in that stupid country.  Deal with it.) and told them to do what they should have done LAST time Our Windows broke, i.e. send Us a new hard drive.  (They didn't want to do that because Our hard drive is still under warranty, and would thus be FREE, this computer being not even three years old.  Pigfuckers.)  So in the meanwhile, We are in "safe mode" (god help Us), and are unable to do just about anything One would ordinarily imagine doing with a computer.  Except, possibly, hurling it at One's coffeemaker.)


Avoid the temptation to tackle new projects today — you’re sure to get dragged back into something you thought was long finished. (Like owning a new coffeemaker, or having a recently repaired computer? Oh, and Fuck. You. Kelli.)

You should get moving again by tomorrow, so have patience. (Hello, Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulism) For Dummies? The Aries Prayer: "God grant Us patience, right the fuck NOW!")

Strong emotions, (Terror?  Loathing?  Bieber Fieber?)

wacky risks (Baby alligator enema?)

and spontaneous outbursts (Of bubonic plague?)

are all scheduled for you today, making for an exciting time. (Well, as long as it's exciting.)

(Did We mention that Justin Bieber is in Our Fringe show?  Because he IS.  Get tickets here: )

 The challenges you’re giving those around you might make them a bit uncomfortable, (But then that's not really Our problem, is it?)

but then that’s not really your problem, is it? (What she said.)

You crave forward motion, (Well, more forward-back-forward-back, etc, but who's counting?)

politeness be darned, (No, socks be darned.  Politeness be fucked up the ass with a chainsaw.)

and if you must act on impulse and provoke rage, that’s okay. (Is it just Us, or is "okay" a rather wishy-washy word to use when describing the provocation of rage?)

You can always make nice later. (Or not.)

(Okay, We want you to read this whole next part without any comment from Us:

You'll be clearing your throat quite a bit at dinner, and excusing yourself several times. Just face it. You're not quite ready. Don't push too hard.  (That was all about pooping, wasn't it?  (Oh, you thought so too.  Don't pretend.))


Dude, you're gettin' a Cowgrass!)

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Would you verb my noun-noun?

Greetings, Extruded Ribcage Impedes Cribbage---

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, August 25, 2010 (You will notice (the two of you who pay any attention, that is) that We have once again skipped right over Tuesday. That is because We are campaigning for a new week, the structure of which is Monday-Wednesday-Friday-Friday-Saturday-Saturday-Sunday.  Every third Monday is a national holiday, and all Fridays are half days.  Due to the confusion this may engender over the location of Hump Day, every day will now be Hump Day, so hump away, harlots!):

(Of course, We wouldn’t hold Our breath waiting for this campaign to work, as We can’t even get people to spread the word about a four-minute video:


(Here is some random publicity from the Philly Weekly for the upcoming WaitStaff show in the 2010 Philly Fringe Festival, The Real Housewives of South Philly:   Also, you should know that WaitStaff Fringe shows traditionally sell out, so you will want to get your tickets in advance in your pants in France Vivian Vance.)

(What just happened?  (Apparently, We can’t even do Tourette’s Syndrome properly.  Fu(king motherfu(kers.  (Heh.  See what We did there?)))

(Do you want to hear about the dream in which We mistook Eurotrash for g@ys, or the dream in which We visited Our old apartment, where the new tenants were celebrating Christmas in August?  Here’s some further information to help you decide:  in one of them, the punchline, in Our best Robert Mitchum/William Holden voice, is “A week ago Thursday”, and, in the other one, We are n@ked.)

(We’ll just be waiting right here for your decision. (Or for an explanation of why Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t recognize “punchline” as word.))

 (Our Our-O-Scope:)

You won't be able to contain your 'enthusiasm,' no matter how you try (Just Our luck: one more thing We’re gonna hafta clean up.)

-- and that enthusiasm may be interpreted by less enlightened souls (Less enlightened, are they? Where the hell’s Our flamethrower?)

as impatience, arrogance or outright aggressiveness. (Or possibly insouciance, aspidistra, or HassenPfeffer Incorporated.  Also, what the fu(k are you talking about, Kelli?)

(We just this minute received email from a WorldWideInterWebNetzian dating site.  The subject line was “Eric, Are You Insane?”  Some clue as to the answer would be that Our first thought was, “Why all the capital letters?”)

Fortunately, you won't care. (Now there’s a newsflash.)

Not one little bit. (Nor a whit.  Nor a nit.  Nor a spit of sh1t on yer tit, silly git.)


Try not to stick out your tongue when you win the door prize.  (Surely We cannot be the only one who has no earthly clue what the preceding sentence could possibly be expected to mean.)

Step away from the computer, (And what?  Finish this horoscope via telepathy?)

and the person you've been IMing who's definitely, absolutely, positively the love of your life. (Yeah. Okay.  Whatevs.)

Or at least insist on a very, very recent photo. (Of what?)

 It takes two sticks at the right angles to create sparks (Also, it takes two d1cks at right angles to create spunk.  Also also, it takes two hands to handle a Whopper™. (Which is, come (heh) to think of it, just another way of saying the same thing.))

-- or two opposing views, spoken by adamantly uncompromising individuals. (Good old adverbial Adam Ant.)

(That one may sneak up on a few of you…wait for it.  THERE ya go!)

Either way, the end result is the same -- heat!   (That’s the same thing that happens when you mistake your Icy-Hot™ for your Preparation H™.)

 (Your Euro-O-Scopes:
it’s not just cow, it’s grass)

Monday, August 23, 2010

I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key

Greetings, Encyclopedia Reader’s Intelligence Crashes---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, August 23, 2010 (Happy Monday to all Our peeps and peepettes!  In case you were unaware, today is National Futility Of All Human Endeavor Day.  (But then, what Monday isn’t?)):

(You will recall that We were off this Sunday to raise funds for a fillum at a fillum fund-raising fundraiser.  (For some reason, We just had a flash of an Amish barnraising, which We are pretty sure isn’t at all the same thing.  For example, at the end of an Amish barnraising, they’d have, oh, I don’t know, a BARN, whereas, at the end of the fundraiser in question, the fillum makers didn’t so much have any funds.  However, that is neither Our point nor Our problem, as the fillum makers in question had no intention of putting Us Our Own Selves Personally into their little fillum, and, in fact, would probably not p1ss on Us if We were (subjunctively) on fire. (We are going to use this mention of fire like a crowbar to yank Us bodily out of this parenthetical digression…)).  THERE We go, and now We’re back, from outer space, We just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face…(ooops.)  The amusing part of Our story involves the loose lip-synching ship drag queens who were to follow Us in the entertainment portion of Our program.  Prior to curtain, one of them was showing Us her sparklers, which fit tastefully into the pointy ends of her McDonna-esque conical brassiere.  We expressed Our concern for her well-being, igniting such things so near a headful of wig which was so clearly not human hair.  Skipping ahead in Our story, We strutted and fretted Our fifteen minutes upon the stage and went home, where Our WorldWideInterWebNetz informed Us that said drag queen had set fire, not to her hair, but to the stage at the World Café Live.   There were, apparently, no casualties, and a good time was had by all.)

(Changing the subject for a moment, We are appalled that Micro$oft Weird™ refuses to recognize “barnraising” as a word.  This is clearly a case of anti-Amish discrimination, and We intend to protest by promptly gathering all Our Amish friends together and raising a barn at Ground Zero.)

(What a shame that you can tell We are joking by the fact that, with as few friends as We have, the likelihood of any of them being Amish is practically nil.)

(We have no idea what to do with the fact that Micro$oft Weird™ also doesn’t recognize “headful”.)

(Speaking of discrimination, We have been following with some envy the travels of a fellow blogger who was invited (all expenses paid, mind you) to some faugh-faugh-faugh convention of blogging elite in New Yawk City.  Why, We lamented, couldn’t We  be invited to such a gathering?  We blog.  Only two people read Us, but still, We blog.  Turns out, the convention in question was for WOMEN bloggers.  Well, slap Our face and call Us Mary.  Women bloggers, indeed.  Ain’t *I* a woman?  Well, AIN’T I?  Seriously.  We are polishing up Our delivery of Sojourner Truth’s “Ain’t I A Woman?” speech, slightly repurposed, for next year’s Women Bloggers Convention.  There won’t be a dry seat in the house.)

(Extra credit for any of all y’all who are currently pixturing Us in drag as Sojourner Truth.)

(Here is the SitOnMyFaceBook event for the upcoming WaitStaff show in the 2010 Philly Fringe Festival, The Real Housewives of South Philly:!/event.php?eid=140078749365736&ref=mf  Please note that that show will also be playing on September 25 at Ursinus College (for all of Our Ursinian readers), as well as the following weekend, October 2 & 3, in the Wilmington Fringe Festival (for all of Our Delawarian readers).)

 (For those of you who missed the fillum fundraiser, here is the monolog We performed there.  (This video just surpassed 500 hits.  Really, people?  The Little Engine That Could  is for fu(king CHIRREN, okay?)):


(Our Our-O-Scope:)

Tying up loose ends will be quite rewarding now (Especially tying them really tight around people’s necks.)

-- so strike while the iron is hot. (Alternatively, strike ‘em with a hot iron.  The screaming, the scarring…it’s win-win.)

Start early, and resolve to stay late if need be. (All things considered, We would much rather start oily, and resolve to stay laid.)

You'll be so darned proud of yourself tomorrow (And yet, apparently not proud enough to say “damned”, like a grownup.)

you won't be able to stand it!  (This list of things We are able to stand diminishes by the second.)

Whether you're asking or accepting, (Or asskissing or Amishbarnraising)

(It’s probably not necessary to point out that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t recognize “Amishbarnraising” all as one word.  However, We are flummoxed and flabbergasted by its feigned ignorance of “asskissing”.)

it's time to nod your head and reach out to shake -- or tenderly grasp -- someone's hand. (As We mentioned earlier, reach out all you want.  Just be sure there’s a hot iron in your hand.)

Be confident. (Isn’t that the slogan for some sort of feminine hygiene product?  (Ain’t I a woman, dammit?))

It's all good.  (Also, it is what it is.  Also, Shut. Up. Kelli.)

Don't bother packing a thing. (Surely you jest…Sojourner Truth can’t wear just any old shoes.)

When you end up where you're going, you'll feel like a brand-new person (Ain’t I a woman?)

-- which calls for a brand-new wardrobe.   (And probably a hat.  Because We are feeling that Sojourner Truth would wear a hat.  Possibly involving cabbage roses.)

(Your Euro-O-Scopes:
Cowgrass makes mornings they’ll remember.)

Friday, August 20, 2010

Who’s the leader of the band that’s made for you and me?

Greetings, Egg Recall Incenses Chickens----

Here is your horoscope for Friday, August 20, 2010 (How’s THAT for a topical greeting, eh?  Do We have Our finger on the pulse, or what? (If We ACTUALLY had Our finger on your pulse, We would probably ask you not to close your zipper suddenly.  Also, to distract you, We might say something like, “How’s THAT for a tapioca pudding?”, which is what We actually wanted to say in the first place, but We were afraid you would think it didn’t make any sense.)):

(We just mistyped “sense” as “snese”.  Which, of course, doesn’t make any sense (or snese).  We were surprised when Micro$oft Weird™ didn’t autocorrect it, until We clicked on the red squiggly misspelling line under “snese” and were presented with choices of “sense” or “sneeze”.  Apparently, We are now using spellcheck for Mongoloid idiots. (In other news, does it make any snese  (gesundheit (thank you)) to you that, in the Year Of Our Lard 2010, the Micro$oft Weird™ spellchecker does not recognize the word “spellcheck”? (Also also, did you know that “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?)))

(But that’s a lot of hoo-ha.  Y’all wanna talk about Boner Boy, don’t’cha?  (Oh, don’t pretend you haven’t been fixated on today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Loose Goose CousCous Mickey Moose.  We see you when you’re sleeping, We know when you’re awake, is that a hammer in your pocket or are you just happy to see Us?)  The most striking feature, to Us, about Boner Boy, other than the fact that he appears to be adequately blessed in the boner department, is that he has One Of Those Faces where you can see exactly how he’s gonna look as he ages.  And it ain’t gonna be pretty.  In fact, this pixture may have been taken on the very day when his attractiveness (and We use that term VERY looselygooselyMickeyMoosely) hit its peak, and We suspect it will all be downhill from there.  So, if We were (subjunctively) able to communicate with said Boner Boy, on what appears to be the very best day of his life, We would suggest to him that, as the sun is shining and the boner is boning, he should climb aboard the blond in the pink bikini and bang her like an old screen door.)

(Erix Daily Horoscope: throwing boners to the str8 bois.  Since 2001.)

(It will amuse some of you to know that Micro$oft Weird™ put its blue squiggly line of “perhaps you meant to choose some other word” under the “Moose” in “Mickey Moose”.  Hey, you watch YOUR cartoons, We’ll watch Ours.  Kiss Us quick, We’re Walt Disney.)

(Here once again is the SitOnMyFaceBook event for the fundraiser at which We will be strutting and fretting on Sunday:!/event.php?eid=136408703056751&ref=ts   )

(And here is the SitOnMyFaceBook event for the upcoming WaitStaff show in the 2010 Philly Fringe Festival, The Real Housewives of South Philly:!/event.php?eid=140078749365736&ref=mf  Please note that that show will also be playing on September 25 at Ursinus College (for all of Our Ursinian readers), as well as the following weekend, October 2 & 3, in the Wilmington Fringe Festival (for all of Our Delawarian readers).)

(If We have Ursinian or Delawarian readers, please give Us a shout, as We are currently convinced that We have about two readers.  Neither of whom has a computer.)

(And here, for all you World War II lovers, is World War II On FaceBook (safe for work): )

(Here is Our video for you to continue to ignore.  (Actually, Our video was randomly reposted the other day by a SitOnMyFaceBookian friend.  A friend of his then reposted it. The kindness of strangers, and all)):


(Our Our-O-Scope:)

You feel totally driven to succeed today (But if you’re trying to fail, and you succeed, what have you actually done?)

— more so than usual, if that’s possible. (Does it strike anyone else as odd that both more so than usual and less so than usual are unusual?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

It’s a really good day to work on your career through networking, cold calls or even just brushing off your resume. (We don’t do windows.)


Someone close has been on your case pretty hard recently, (Um, We’re pretty sure We’d’ve noticed that.)

so you’ve been keeping your head down,(If We could get Our head down far enough, We’d never leave the house.)

 taking care of everything and forcing yourself to do right by them — without ever being asked. (Sigh. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.  Also, always a Rubbermaid, never a rubber.)

You’ve been extremely good, (But when We were bad, We were better.)
but now is the time to let go and ask for something in return. (Now THERE’S a novel concept.)

You know how you are (Oh, SNAP!)
— stress is just a way of life. (Also, Frito’s just another word for nothing left to lose.)

Give yourself a break now and calm down. (DON’T FU(KING TELL US WHAT TO DO!!!! (Heh.  See what We did there?))

You can always be tense tomorrow! (Your son’ll come out tomorrow, bet a dollar Bottom is your son…)

(Your Euro-O-Scopes:
cowgrass…the Un-cola)

Thursday, August 19, 2010

It was fiesta, and I had the clap

Greetings, ERIC---

(Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, August 19, 2010 (If We were (subjunctively) any less in the mood for this, We’d be erasing yesterday’s horoscope.):

(Here once again is the SitOnMyFaceBook event for the fundraiser at which We will be strutting and fretting on Sunday:!/event.php?eid=136408703056751&ref=ts   And here is the SitOnMyFaceBook event for the upcoming WaitStaff show in the 2010 Philly Fringe Festival, The Real Housewives of South Philly:!/event.php?eid=140078749365736&ref=mf   Please note that that show will also be playing on September 25 at Ursinus College (for all of Our Ursinian readers), as well as the following weekend, October 2 & 3, in the Wilmington Fringe Festival (for all of Our Delawarian readers).)

(If We have Ursinian or Delawarian readers, please give Us a shout, as We are currently convinced that We have about two readers.  Neither of whom has a computer.)

(Here is Our video for you to continue to ignore.  (Actually, Our video was randomly reposted yesterday by a SitOnMyFaceBookian friend.  Which was certainly encouraging.  Not that it lit up the world with hits, but still.  It’s nice to know One’s work is appreciated.)):


(Our Our-O-Scope:)

Don’t fear for the future (When there’s so much scary cr@p right here in the present?)

— you know you can take care of this! (Oh, We can take care of a lot of things.  It’s having to hide the bodies all by Ourselves that gets on Our nerves.)

It’s easier than ever for you to step up and ensure that you’re heading in the right direction. (Well, We’re in this handcart, see, and it’s getting warmer by the minute…)

Doubts only get in the way!  (We’re not entirely sure that We believe that.  (Heh.  See what We did there?))

You’ve got plenty to do, and you’re all fired up to take care of business. (Well, We’re fired, at any rate.)

That includes work reports (No.  No, it doesn’t.  We would tell a work report story here, but We’re in a bad enough mood already.)

and personal bills — but that doesn’t mean you should forgo fun and games. (It’s all fun and games till somebody dots an I. With a cross T. Frosty Acrostic, Fantastic Elastic.)

(Don’t get it?  Go fu(k yerself…it’s not all about YOU.)

If anyone knows how to get their work done with time left over for play, it’s you. (Wait…We’re in a play?)

Let that talent shine tonight. (Oh, Chr1st…rehearsal.  Seriously?)

After recent nutty business, you’re setting a good example!  (Well, nothing says “nutty example” like Us Our Own Selves Personally.)

You’re all set for action and ready for crazy adventures. (Any chance of a nap first?)

Don’t forget to watch out for those around you who are just a wee bit shyer, who may need a little encouragement to open up in sweet ways. (Can there be any question that “open up in sweet ways” is a euphemism?  (Meanwhile, what’s a good euphemism for “euphemism”?))

(Your Euro-O-Scopes:
nothing gets between me and my cowgrass)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I heard somebody say, “Burn, baby, burn…”

Greetings, Ebullient Revolutionaries Indubitably Counterattack---

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, August 18, 2010 (Happy Hump Day to all you Humps and Humpettas!  While you’re all busily humping away, We for some reason cannot help but wonder, “Is ‘sockdrawer’ all one word?  And, if not, why not?”):

(We beg your pardon; We never promised you a rose garden.)

(Meanwhile, in Our new-found role as The Statue Of Libertine (“Give Us your tired, your pornstars, your horny messes yearning to BlowMe…”), We would just like to say, if you’re gonna be questioning your sexuality, We could do with a little less questioning, and a little more sexuality.  We’re just sayin’.)

(Here once again is the SitOnMyFaceBook event for the fundraiser at which We will be strutting and fretting on Sunday:!/event.php?eid=136408703056751&ref=ts   And here is the SitOnMyFaceBook event for the upcoming WaitStaff show in the 2010 Philly Fringe Festival, The Real Housewives of South Philly:!/event.php?eid=140078749365736&ref=mf   Please note that that show will also be playing on September 25 at Ursinus College (for all of Our Ursinian readers), as well as the following weekend, October 2 & 3, in the Wilmington Fringe Festival (for all of Our Delawarian readers).)

(If We have Ursinian or Delawarian readers, please give Us a shout, as We are currently convinced that We have about two readers.  Neither of whom has a computer.)

(Here is Our video for you to continue to ignore:


(Our Our-O-Scope:)

Yes, this is what contentment is about. (Actually, this is what condiments are about. In a condominium.  As to whether that includes cardamom, that’s a conundrum.)

(What were We talking about?)

 Of course, it may be a very busy, very hectic contentment  (That would appear to be an OxyMoron.  (An OxyMoron is, of course, a stupid person with a cleaning fetish.  Not to be confused with an EthelMerman. Which is a loud person with a Broadway fetish.))

(What?  Oh, NOW you’re gonna start to pay attention.  When We’re clearly beyond help.)

-- but it's definitely not boring, is it? (We had chili cheese fries for dinner last night.  We are the least gastrointestinally boring person you know.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ disapproves of the adverbial form “gastrointestinally”.  Micro$oft Weird™ can shove it up its @ssz.  (Heh.  See what We did there?))

Remember when you were bored, restless and eager for change? (Honey, We barely remember the Alamo.)

That was then; this is now. (Shut. Up. Kelli.)

So don't complain. (Oh, sure.  Take Our best event  away from Us.  Whoever will want to dance with Us at the ball now?)

Not one word. (Antediluvian.)

Whether they're nice about it or not won't matter. (On the other hand, if they’re mice about it, it could be disgusting.)

You'll know if you're being rejected, (Are there hidden cameras here?)

and you won't take kindly to it.  (What are We supposed to do…tie people up?)

(You want We should do a bubble dance?)

Much as you'd like to simply let your opponent know in no uncertain terms that they're playing with fire, your innate sense of fairness won't let you do it -- fortunately.  (So wait…are you saying DON’T tell them they’re playing with fire, and let ‘em burn? (Baby, burn…disco inferno…))

(Your Euro-O-Scopes:
maybe it’s cowgrass)

Monday, August 16, 2010

Pretty legs, great big kn0ckers; Honey, these are real showstoppers

Greetings, Etch-a-sketch Retraces Indelible Charcoal---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, August 16, 2010 (And a very happy Monday to all of Our drones and dronettes!  Shoulders to the wheel, noses to the grindstone, nipples to the wind, and titz akimbo! (It strikes Us, all sudden-like, that Titz Akimbo would be an excellent drag name for someone.  Especially if said someone’s titz were, ya know, akimbo. (Speaking of drag queens, from the It’s A Small Whirled Drafty Hall Department, We (and the WaitStaff) will be performing at a fundraiser at the World Café Live this Sunday, raising funds for a friend’s short fillum.  (Because We are The Sort Of Person who knows people who make fillums.  About shorts.  (Or in their shorts.  (One of those.)))  Now here’s the Small Whirled part:  We shall be sharing the stage with Miss Navaya Shay and Miss Cherry Pop!  AND their loose lip-synching ships!  Talk about up your cr@ck without a piddle!  Check out the festivities here:!/event.php?eid=136408703056751&ref=ts ))):

(We Our Own Selves Personally shall be performing the following monolog, which is way, way funnier live:

(Meanwhile, in remembrances of this weekend past (kiss Us quick, We’re Marcel Proust (and a very special good morning to the one of you who got THAT (yes, Ovella, We knew it was you))), We watched Our Selves a fillum:  Sherlock Holmes, Super Action Hero.  Now, while We were certainly pleased to see Mister Robert Downey Jr. spending fully half of a Victorian period piece stripped to the waist and engaging in fisticuffs, We were gravely dismayed that We live in a country that so loves stupidity and distrusts anyone intelligent that the filmmakers felt compelled to turn Sherlock Holmes…Sherlock Holmes, fercrissakes!...into an asskicking thug.  Of course, this is the same country where some milch cow who couldn’t even be bothered finishing out her term as governor of the North Pole feels free to roll her eyes on camera when a constituent tells her that she is a teacher, because, ya know, book-learning is evil, you betcha, and smart people are bad.  Sigh.)
(In other news, those with perpetually twisted knickers might want to check out some facts from time to time: )

 (Our Our-O-Scope:)

Hopefully, (Hopelessly demoted to poo…Olivia Fig Newton Jawn.)

you've been diligent with your workout schedule, (Well, we’ve been indigent, and We’ve gone digital…does that count? (Those of you whose minds went directly to the gutter for “gone digital”…sit right here next to Us.))

and you've taken all your vitamins. (We don’t go for booze and pills on Broadway.)

You'll need all the energy you can muster (And all the mustard you can energize…(Pardon Us; do you have any grey poop on?))

to handle the constant attention you can expect from a minimum of one ardent admirer, (Well, a minimum of one is better than a minimum of none.  But not by much.  (Math is HARD!))

two well-meaning friends (Who just happen to be Siamese twins.)

and a host of new fans.  (What We’ve got here is either the pilot for a 70s sitcom or a Merv Griffin game show.)

You just can't seem to stop replaying that comment they made over and over in your mind. (“Your daughter’s pregnancy brings much happiness to our village”…why did he SAY that?  WHY???)

It's time to figure out why. (Dunno why… there’s your son up in the sky…Norman Mailer…)


You're in what's technically known as an overexuberant state of mind (Now, see, here’s a little-known piece of music trivia…that was actually Billy Joel’s original lyric, until the first time he sang it in concert and his teeth fell out.  Now he’s an old bald Jewish guy.  How did that happen?)

-- which means your audience, believe it or not, may be less than enthusiastic. (Well, considering you only promised Us a minimum of one, who cares?)

Dial it down, just a touch. (Is a touch more or less than a notch?  Also, which is bitchier, a bitch or a witch?  Inquiring minds Jacques Cousteau.)

Sharpen up your pencils (They’ll come in handy for poking when milch cows roll their eyes at you.)

and make sure you've got lots of legal pads handy. (We Our Own Self Personally prefer maxi legal pads. The go better with Our disposable legal briefs.)

Taking care of business (And workin’ overtime?)

is the name of the game (Then it’s a g0ddamn shame some of Us are playin’ Old Maid, ain’t it?)
-- and you're ready to play. (Ball?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

(Your Euro-O-Scopes:
raise your hand, raise your hand if you’re cowgrass)