Fear’s in the water, dragging down your daughter

                                                                                     

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Jonathan Frid Day, July 29, 2011.  Good lord, here’s July practically OVAH, and We have yet to see the ocean this summer.  Of course, We did see it last December, and last April, so Our oceanic circadian rhythm methods may be a little off.  And that was two different oceans, one of which, We are told, was the Gulf of Mexico.  Geography was never Our strong suit.  Actually, We’ve never had a strong suit.  We’re just praying that Our Playtex™ Living Girdle doesn’t die. (Is it just Us, or was that last sentence the title of a James Bond film that never got made?)

Himself, meanwhile, is still lolling about in his footie pajamas.  One of his survey companies is paying him to test some new teeth whitening strips, so he would have Us believe that he’s working. Why he needs white teeth when We are the only One who ever sees him is entirely beyond Us.  His teeth could be green and furry for all We care. (We shall pause for station identification while YouAll picture Himself with Muppets for teeth.  Said Muppets may or may not be singing “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”)

Speaking of Himself, last night was the first rehearsal where he put down his script and did the entire show from what passes for his memory.  Not too bad for a senile old goat.  He may actually be ready to perform come Fringe Festival Time.  In case We have been unclear on this subject, Himself will be bringing back his marriage equality one-man show, The Wedding Consultant, from September 2-18, at the Walnut Street Theatre Independence Studio on 3. Needless to say (and yet promptly saying it), you are all expected to attend. Especially those who didn’t so much show up last time.  And yes, We have kept records.  You can obtain tickets here: http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

But enough about Himself.  Since when is this all about Him?  Let’s talk about Ourself.  We are in the midst of preparations to shoot the next Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope video, and We are very excited.  This will of course be the Virgo edition, and if you know anything about Our history (which is right down below in fine print, and has been for over a year and a half now), you know that this is destined to be A Very Special Episode Of Blossom.  Speaking of Our history, here is a little Starzina trivia quiz to amuse you on this summer Friday; whoever gets the most answers correct will win A Very Special Prize (which will have nothing whatsoever to do with Mayim Bialik):

1.  What was the name of the webzine for which Starzina was originally created?

2.  Which of Starzina’s toes was bleeding profusely throughout the filming of the Gemini video?  (See how fair this is…you have a one in twelve chance of getting that right.)

3. What two Philadelphia theatre celebrities were referenced by Starzina in the show in which she made her first public appearance?

4. Who was the only member of the WaitStaff who appeared in the aforementioned show?

5. What color are Starzina’s shoes in the three videos that are currently available?

And here’s where you can find that last answer:

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Wilfred Brimley’s diaper rash.  Or, the HorrorScope:

You are much less able to handle the stress that comes from messy work and living spaces today, so you may as well spend your time cleaning up and getting ready for the burst of energy that’s coming soon.  (Now, see.  That there is an example of how the more words Kelli uses, the less sense she makes.  If We were (oh, so subjunctively) going to clean, wouldn’t we be sensible to WAIT for this burst of energy she claims is coming to do so?)

 Don’t act surprised (SURPRISE!)

when you receive some positive feedback from an unlikely source today.  (Yeah.  That’ll happen.)

 After all, you need to start getting used to more attention and greater accolades from everyone around you.  (We are hoping this Virgo video will put Us on the map.  In the meantime, go watch the other three.  And, more importantly, send your friends.  Why do YouPeople never send your friends?)

Not only are your usual allies lining up to congratulate you, (That’s gonna be a very short line.)

but the higher ups and people in power are noticing you in a new light as well.  (Well, then We’d best powder Our nose.  Who’s got some nose powder?  (That might explain that burst of energy she’s nattering on about.))

If you get a bit overwhelmed by the attention, that’s okay — be yourself and react the way you feel.  (Be Ourselves and react the ways We feel…sometimes The Royal We just makes for a grammatical morass.  And the last thing We need is more ass.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

But try to make the most of your time in the limelight.  (Why is it “limelight”?  Who wants to stand around in a green light?  How could that possibly be flattering?  How about “lemonlight”?  Or, more to the point for those of Us Of A Certain Age (twenty-four) “roselight”?)

You wake up feeling quite emotional, but don’t suppress it!  (Damn menopause.)

Call up a thoughtful friend and cry your eyes out, if that’s what you need.  (Won’t THAT just cause Our popularity to soar?)

Clearing out all that bad energy lets you to get a clean start. (So it’s like an energy enema?  (Everybody sing along: “Ener-GEE Ene-MAAA, Ener-GEE, Ene-MA-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…”))

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

The future’s not Ours to see (Oh, yes it is; We’re psychic!)

                                                                                    

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thriftway, July 28, 2011.  Happy birthday to Dan, who turns twenty-four today. Also, happy birthday to Mike, who does not EVEN turn twenty-four today.  Neither of them is reading this, of course, but We do so love to be thorough.

In other news, Our Google Bloggoni-O-Meter tells Us that someone in India has watched Our latest Time-Of-The-Month Horoscope: Leo video.  We are guessing they found Us because We are wearing a turban.  If YOU haven’t watched said video yet, (A.) shame on you and (2.) here it is:

We have, of course, returned from the villa in Tuscany and are back in OurHouseWhereWeLive. So much for Our vacation; now We are knee-deep in getting Himself ready to strut and fret his hour upon the stage in this year’s Fringe Festival.  In case We have been unclear on this subject, Himself will be bringing back his marriage equality one-man show, The Wedding Consultant, from September 2-18, at the Walnut Street Theatre Independence Studio on 3. Needless to say (and yet promptly saying it), you are all expected to attend. Especially those who didn’t so much show up last time.  And yes, We have kept records.  You can obtain tickets here: http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Doris Day queefing “Que Sera, Sera”.  Or, the HorrorScope:

You rely equally on intuition and reason  (Which are, We must say, a lot more reliable than elocution and raisins.  Or Raisinettes™.  To say nothing of Goobers™.  (Is anybody else hungry now?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.))

— but for now, you need to make sure that you’re leaning more heavily on the right side of your brain!  (Oh, see, now.  Apparently, We’ve spent all this time leaning on the wrong side of Our brain.  That explains a lot, no?)

It’s giving up clues to those around you that are worth a lot.  (Colonel Mustard, in the conservatory, with the dildo sharpener.  (Hey, you play YOUR version of Clue™, We’ll play OURS.))

Today your actions will help lay the groundwork (Oh, sure, the GROUNDWORK gets laid…)

for something that will get you noticed by the folks you admire most, so act thoughtfully (And marry a big dick?)

and always take the high road. (Or that.)

There is a real change coming in your life, (Oh, boy!  Menopause.)

and it’s one that you’ve been hoping for, for a long time. (This space left intentionally blank.)

This may be something you’ve been avoiding even speaking about because you fear it may never happen. (Well, We did have sex ONCE.)

Get ready, because you’re about to get what you wished for — and you’ll make quite a splash!  (Watersports!)

You need to keep your romantic interactions light and breezy but not cheesy today. (Sleazy, wheezy, and greazy are also right out.)

You can have fun flirting while you get to know that new cutie, of course, but save any heavy conversations for another time. (Well, DUH.  How will We EVER get laid if We sit around and talk about how fat We are?)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

It was fiesta, and I had the clap

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Muncie, Indiana, Jones, July 25, 2011.  Happy birthday to anyone whose birthday We missed over the weekend, and to anyone who is birthdating today.  We are back at the villa in Tuscany, having spent the weekend family reunionating (and, apparently, making up verbs) in lovely York, Pennsylvania. The black cloud that follows Us throughout Our daily existence appears to have enveloped the entire sky, and is commencing to thunder down showers upon one of the only three days We have to luxurianate poolside. The buff blond lifeguard arrived, only to be dismissed by his manager, who clearly did not hear Us calling from the verandah “have him stripped, washed, and brought to Our tent!”  Le sigh.

But the big story on Ashcan News is that over the weekend, We moved from Cancer into Leo, which means (A.) a gratuitous Leonardo DiCaprio reference, and (2.) a new Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope video:

In other news, ticket sales have gone live for Himself’s hour of strutting and fretting upon the stage in this fall’s Philadelphia Fringe Festival. You will no doubt hear more about this epic as the weeks go by, but here is where said tickets can be obtained: http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

We have just been informed that it is National Tequila Day.  So now We are informing you.  You’re welcome.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: We just realized that the buff blond lifeguard looks exactly like Christopher Atkins in his Blue Lagoon period. (See what We did there?  You were expecting Us to say something disgusting, like Rick Santorum.  And We didn’t.  Fooled you.) Alternatively, the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes a byproduct of anal sex.  Or, the HorrorScope:

You are full of social energy today (To say nothing of social diseases.)

 — though it might manifest itself in arguments and interruptions. (Isn’t there some old joke about an interrupted argument?  (It is apparently so old that even We cannot remember it.  Although We are pretty sure it is a knock-knock joke.))

(Does Our fat ass make Our ass look fat?)

As long as you can keep it fun, that should be just fine with those around you! (Then We promise to keep it the funnest fun that ever funned.)

  It’s time for you to step in (Poo?)

(Perhaps for Our next children’s book We shall write a sequel to Dr. Seuss’s Hop On Pop  entitled Step In Poo. Children LOVE poo.)

and help out a friend or coworker who may be struggling on a high-profile task. (We have no coworkers.  Because We have no cows that need to be orked.)

Nothing will make you feel better than sharing your ideas and suggestions on how they can make things work better. (We dunno ‘bout you, but on Our list of Things That Make Us Feel Better, “sharing ideas and suggestions” doesn’t even crack the top ten.)

You will be amazed at how open-minded (We left Our mind open once.  Everything fell out of it.)

 and willing they are to hear what you have to say, (Sorry…what?)

and this could be a turning point for the two of you. (Alternatively, it could be a tuning fork.  You just never know.)

Together, you can elevate the energy levels and push beyond any political obstacle. (That sounds like an awful lot of work.)

Before asking someone out, make sure you’re actually clear to do so. (Well, the buff blond lifeguard obviously has his day free…)

Misunderstandings can happen in no time flat if you aren’t paying close attention to body language and other, even subtler, signals. (And We are All. About.  The suBtler.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Beach Baby, Beach Baby, there on the sand

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thurston Howell the Third, July 21, 2011.  Happy birthday to anybody whose birthday it is; We have repaired to Our villa in Tuscany to beat the heat, and haven’t Our notes with Us.  There are rumors that Ye Olde Swimming Hole here has acquired a buff blond lifeguard of the male persuasion; more on that story as it develops.

Speaking of developing stories, here is a video on the subject of post-pubertal development in members (heh) of the Swedish Olympic Men’s Swim Team. Complete with Bar Graphs.  And Pie Charts.  (Oh, get your minds out of the gutter; you’re crowding out Ours. (Meanwhile, We were going to say “Venn Diagram”, but We couldn’t figger out any way to make that sound dirty.)): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM

Speaking of Uranus (We were speaking of Uranus, weren’t We?), the tonguebath between Us and Our favorite Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) (other than Us) continues apace.  You can check his prognostications out here; tell him Starzina sent you: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/

Micro$oft Weird™ appears not to have heard the word “tonguebath” before; clearly, it has not seen Us in the vicinity of any buff blond lifeguards of the male persuasion.

In other news, ticket sales have gone live for Himself’s hour of strutting and fretting upon the stage in this fall’s Philadelphia Fringe Festival. You will no doubt hear more about this epic as the weeks go by, but here is where said tickets can be obtained: http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: the lost porn films of Richard Nixon. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

Try to range out a little further than usual today — you need to explore new territory if you want to feel right about the day!  (We are in Tuscany.  How much further should W e go?  Uranus?)

(Erix Daily Horoscope: living proof that Uranus jokes never get old.)

Your urge to discover new things is rewarded richly.  (Did We mention the buff blond lifeguard of the male persuasion?)

Many different people are pushing you for action right now, and it might be in your best interest to make them happy. (They are already “different”, and now they want to be happy too?  Pushy wankers.)

 They are not as concerned with the quality of your work (Good.)

 as they are with simply seeing you do something right away, (How about someONE?)

so there’s no reason to put any pressure on yourself.  (And again We say, good.)

There is no wrong answer here (Seventy-nine point three two?)

 — any efforts you make will be appreciated.  (Likewise effarts.  Which are, of course, efforts made in farting.)

This is a win-win situation for you, so let go of the tension you may be feeling.  (So wait…the buff blond lifeguard of the male persuasion is also a masseur?  This day is just looking better and better.)

Just go for it!  (Dykes!  On bikes!  In Nikes™!)

Your enthusiasm (Say what?)

about dating does a lot of good for your overall romantic outlook. (We just outllooked the window to Ye Olde Swimming Hole, but buff blond lifeguard of the male persuasion  has not yet arrived.)

You need some serious positive thinking — especially if you’ve had your heart broken in the last year or so. (How can you mend a broken heart?  How can you stop the rain from falling down? (Oh, is that song stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad. (Didja know that, if you Google “too bad so sad anal sex with your dad” on Wikipedia, Erix Daily Horoscope is the only thing you find?  So much for Our efforts to add a colourful phrase to the common vernacular.)))

 If you expect the best, it’s likelier to come to pass.  (We were on a roll (a Kaiser roll, if you msut know) until We were derailed by the fact that, when you look at it, “likelier” doesn’t look at all like an actual word.)

(Buff blond lifeguard of the male persuasion.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.



I’m a mess without my little China girl

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Crocodile Mundee, July 18, 2011.  We trust you all had a lovely weekend.  You obviously had it far away from Us.  Meanwhile, happy birthday to Beth, who turns twenty-four today, and to Ted, who, coincidentally, also turns twenty-four today.  Neither of them, of course, is reading this, because We have yet to figger out a way to consolidate all of Our efforts, make the Erix Daily Horoscope experience as user-friendly as possible for Our Gentle Readers, and achieve world domination.

(Ooops.  We weren’t supposed to say that last part out loud. But, really, can you think of a better World Dominatrix than Yours Truly?  We can’t.)

Speaking of the World Dominoes Championship Tournament, here is a video of the winning move: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3cqsTuxavM  

In an unprecedented act of selflessness (seriously!)  here at Erix Daily Horoscope, We are about to recommend to you the work of a fellow Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist).  What can We tell you about AstroGeek?  He knows where Uranus is, and he knows how to use it.  He is much more detail-oriented in his approach than We Our Own Self Personally are, and his prognostications include, in addition to a comprehensive discussion of major planetary activity, an analysis of every minor planetoid, asteroid, and hemorrhoid that circles Uranus.  Plus, he is a big fan of Ours, so he is clearly BRILLiant.  Check him out here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/

In other news, ticket sales have gone live for Himself’s hour of strutting and fretting upon the stage in this fall’s Philadelphia Fringe Festival.  You will no doubt hear more about this epic as the weeks go by, but here is where said tickets can be obtained:  http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Paula Deen gets a bikini wax.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

You’re not feeling quite as energetic as usual today (If We are feeling any less energetic than We usually feel, We are clearly dead.  In lieu of flowers, please send the Swedish Olympic Men’s Swimming Team.)

— and it seems that quite a bit of the energy you do have is taken up helping others with their own needs.  (We haven’t seen any “others” in days.)

There’s nothing wrong with earning good karma!  (Karma-coated popcorn, penis enterprise…that’s what you get in Crackerjack™!)

(Our mind may have just actually snapped. (Snap! Clackle! Pop! Lice Klispies! (Yep…Chinese cereal commercials…that’s a tell-tale sign.)))

Your ability to tell the difference between a major problem and a trivial matter is not terribly strong right now, (We can’t even tell the difference between Tom Hanks and Michael Keaton.)

(Random brain farts…tell-tale sign Number Two.  (Heh…We said “Number Two”.  (Poop jokes are NOT a sign, tell-tale or otherwise.)))

so avoid making big commitments (You all heard the lady…don’t be trying to commit Us.)

or major decisions, especially if they have anything to do with your finances. (The financial equivalent of the sound of one hand clapping is one nickel rubbing together. (That was a little existential humor, for Our Zen Buddhist Readers.  (Confidential note to Our Zen Buddhist reader in China:  Our Google Bloggoni-O-Meter tells Us whether you’re reading or not.  We see you when you’re sleeping, We know when you’re awake, We know if you’ve been bad or good, and exACTly what you did with the left-over duck sauce.)))

Your confusion could cause you to throw money around in an ineffective way, (One can really only be but so effective with one nickel.  Just sayin’.)

and you’ll end up worse off than you were before. (So far, We’re impoverished, dead, and in a mental institution.  What’s next, The heartbreak Of Psoriasis?)

There’s a chance that any issues that pop (Snap! Clackle! Pop!...oh, wait; We said that already. (Chinese jokes…half an hour later, you want to tell another one.))

(Apropos of nothing, We have been watching Johnny Depp in the first season of 21 Jump Street. Ah, the 80s!  We miss mousse abuse. (Miss Mousse Abuse was, of course, a drag name We rejected.  (Wait’ll ya hear the one We chose.))

up today will sort themselves out if you give them time.  (Oh, was that all in the middle of one of Kelli’s life sentences?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

For real problems, you need real solutions — not just good ideas. (But wouldn’t having a real solution BE a good idea?  We’re so confused.)

 Take a good look at your love life (Trust Us…looking at this one nickel is much more interesting.)

— is this what you want, or do you require something more? (Wait…there are choices?  Like a Chinese menu?  Wang Hung Lo, Cream of Sum Yung Gai…)

Dive deep (That’s what she said.)

and be honest with yourself. (Good thinkin’, Abe Lincoln.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.