Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, April 30rd , 2014.
Happy Birthday to Francisco, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Happy Birthday also to OurAmericanCousin Billy, who does NOT turn twenty-four today, in AnnApolis, MaryLand.
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Stephanie, Trish, and OurAmericanCousin Jim, each of whom turned twenty-four yesterday. OurAmericanCousin Jim is, in an odd coincidence, OurAmericanCousin Billy’s father, so it is a good thing OurAmericanCousin Billy did NOT turn twenty-four today, or We would have to explain about the time machine, which is in the credenza, which is in the time machine, all over again, and We know how YouPeople get sick of hearing about that time and time again.
(Heh. See what We did there?)
We were in absentia from yesterday’s festivities because We had to give Ourself a stern talking-to after Monday’s unfortunate incident. Here is a little recap, to save you the effort of rooting through the archives for Monday’s e-pissode:
“Give it your all (Yeah, ya know, We try that…and still We wind up screwed. Meanwhile, however, much like Ashton Kutcher’s The Butterfly Effect, the fact that We just got screwed has caused Us to refrain from doing A Nice Thing We were gonna do, and…JEEBUS CRIPES, STOP THAT INCESSANT DRILLING, OR WE’RE GONNA COME OVER THERE!)”
Now, first of all, We should point out that, as Our punishment for Our behavior, the drilling next door has continued until this very moment. More to the point, however, We thought long and hard about Ashton Kutcher (heh) and decided to do The Nice Thing anyway. (Well, We TRIED to do it…whether it works out remains to be seen.)
In other news, today’s Frawnch lesson: Merde, il pleut.
Meanwhile, those who know Us personally will be aware that, amongst Our many House Un-American Committee activities, We have never eaten a Big Mac™, nor seen a Star Trek Wars fillum. However, We were taken aback earlier this week when they announced the cast for Star Trek Wars Elebenty-Twelve, or whatever number they’re up to now, to hear Max von Sydow amongst those mentioned, as We were firmly convinced he was dead.
And not in that vague “oh-he’s-really-old-and-we-haven’t-heard-anything-about-him-in-a-while-so-We-assume-he’s-dead” kinda way, neither. We were firmly convinced that, within the past year, or, more accurately, within the past six months, We had actually read his obituary, including references to his appearances in The Greatest Show Story Ever Told On Earth and all those Ingmar Bergman fillums.
(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), there just aren’t enough people named “Ingmar” any more. So call up any pregnant ladies you know, and persuade them to name the baby “Ingmar”. KThxBye.)
Now We are concerned as to whose death We confused with that of Max von Sydow. Sorry, Max.
In other news, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Lee Harvey Oswald…
In still other news, please Save The Dates for Thursday, May 8th, for the next installment of The Walker and O’Dare Radio Mystery Hour at the Powel House, and Saturday, May 10th, as the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage. More on that story as it develops, but inside sources tell Us that Jesus H. Christ’s celebrity chair will be taken by His Mother, Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod! You won’t want to miss THAT!
We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):
And here’s the HorrorScope (And, because We have several other pressing tasks to accomplish, before We go out into the merding pleut, herewith, in lieu of The Blatherings According To AssHatt Kelli, a reading from Madame Olivia…:
Madame Olivia is pleased to see you again.
Madame Olivia senses that for the moment you are relatively content with your love life. This is good. The only teensy niggle is the "relatively." You are wondering if other people are happier than you are. Though this is can be a fruitless line of thought, maybe you should honor the niggle and try doing something different, like going about meeting people in a different way. Or anything, really, like where you eat lunch. Who knows where this may lead; at the very least you may find out something about yourself.
Little Aries, Madame Olivia is filled with a sudden understanding of the progress you have made. You have done wonderful work exploring myriad details and intricacies and can now look up and see what you have put together. But don't stop your efforts! Just take a look, enjoy a moment of satisfaction, and then head back into the fray.
Word of the hour, be it noun or verb: dream
Godspeed and good wishes from Madame Olivia until next time.
(If anyone is looking for Us, We shall be Honoring The Niggle.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.