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Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Star Wars, nothing but Star Wars…






Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, April 30rd , 2014.



Happy Birthday to Francisco, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also to OurAmericanCousin Billy, who does NOT turn twenty-four today, in AnnApolis, MaryLand.



Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Stephanie, Trish, and OurAmericanCousin Jim, each of whom turned twenty-four yesterday. OurAmericanCousin Jim is, in an odd coincidence, OurAmericanCousin Billy’s father, so it is a good thing OurAmericanCousin Billy did NOT turn twenty-four today, or We would have to explain about the time machine, which is in the credenza, which is in the time machine, all over again, and We know how YouPeople get sick of hearing about that time and time again.




(Heh.  See what We did there?)





We were in absentia from yesterday’s festivities because We had to give Ourself a stern talking-to after Monday’s unfortunate incident.  Here is a little recap, to save you the effort of rooting through the archives for Monday’s e-pissode:


“Give it your all (Yeah, ya know, We try that…and still We wind up screwed.  Meanwhile, however, much like Ashton Kutcher’s The Butterfly Effect, the fact that We just got screwed has caused Us to refrain from doing A Nice Thing We were gonna do, and…JEEBUS CRIPES, STOP THAT INCESSANT DRILLING, OR WE’RE GONNA COME OVER THERE!)”



Now, first of all, We should point out that, as Our punishment for Our behavior, the drilling next door has continued until this very moment.  More to the point, however, We thought long and hard about Ashton Kutcher (heh) and decided to do The Nice Thing anyway.  (Well, We TRIED to do it…whether it works out remains to be seen.)



In other news, today’s Frawnch lesson:  Merde, il pleut.



Meanwhile, those who know Us personally will be aware that, amongst Our many House Un-American  Committee activities, We have never eaten a Big Mac™, nor seen a Star Trek Wars fillum.  However, We were taken aback earlier this week when they announced the cast for Star Trek Wars Elebenty-Twelve, or whatever number they’re up to now,  to hear Max von Sydow amongst those mentioned, as We were firmly convinced he was dead.



And not in that vague “oh-he’s-really-old-and-we-haven’t-heard-anything-about-him-in-a-while-so-We-assume-he’s-dead” kinda way, neither.  We were firmly convinced that, within the past year, or, more accurately, within the past six months, We had actually read his obituary, including references to his appearances in The Greatest Show Story Ever Told On Earth and all those Ingmar Bergman fillums.



(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), there just aren’t enough people named “Ingmar” any more.  So call up any pregnant ladies you know, and persuade them to name the baby “Ingmar”.  KThxBye.)



Now We are concerned as to whose death We confused with that of Max von Sydow.  Sorry, Max.



 In other news, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Lee Harvey Oswald…





In still other news, please Save The Dates for Thursday, May 8th, for the next installment of The Walker and O’Dare Radio Mystery Hour at the Powel House, and Saturday, May 10th, as the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage.  More on that story as it develops, but inside sources tell Us that Jesus H. Christ’s celebrity chair will be taken by His Mother, Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod! You won’t want to miss THAT!



We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:



Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):





And here’s the HorrorScope (And, because We have several other pressing tasks to accomplish, before We go out into the merding pleut, herewith, in lieu of The Blatherings According To AssHatt Kelli, a reading from Madame Olivia…:



Greetings Starzina~

Madame Olivia is pleased to see you again.

Madame Olivia senses that for the moment you are relatively content with your love life. This is good. The only teensy niggle is the "relatively." You are wondering if other people are happier than you are. Though this is can be a fruitless line of thought, maybe you should honor the niggle and try doing something different, like going about meeting people in a different way. Or anything, really, like where you eat lunch. Who knows where this may lead; at the very least you may find out something about yourself.

Little Aries, Madame Olivia is filled with a sudden understanding of the progress you have made. You have done wonderful work exploring myriad details and intricacies and can now look up and see what you have put together. But don't stop your efforts! Just take a look, enjoy a moment of satisfaction, and then head back into the fray.

Word of the hour, be it noun or verb: dream

Godspeed and good wishes from Madame Olivia until next time.



(If anyone is looking for Us, We shall be Honoring The Niggle.)



Namaste, MotherFuckers.




In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


                                                                                                                                     

Monday, April 28, 2014

And MacHeath has got a knife, but not in such an obvious place…






Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManiacShe’sAManiacOnTheFloorAndShe’sDancingLikeSheNeverDancedBefore…Sorry…ManicMonday, April 28rd , 2014.



Happy Birthday to Anne, who turns twenty-four today in Al-t-t-toonaTown.  


Happy Birthday also to Greg, who also turns twenty-four today, in FairBrooklynThePrideOfTheThornInTheSideOfNewYork.



Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Christina and Dena, Israel and Letta, and Raechal and OurAmericanCousin Roxane, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend in such disparate locations as MaryLand and Virginia, Greater Bostonia and The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, and Jew Nersey and Fran Sancisco, where We hear it’s lovely, but where We also hear that they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat.



We would have a little contest to see who could most quickly and correctly match the belated birthday boyz and gurlz with their correct geographic locations, but then We would most likely realize how very few people are paying any attention to Us whatsoever.



For those of you who enjoy Stories In Which We Are Tortured (which is all of you, yes?), We would like to point out that Our next-door neighbor’s kitchen renovation continues apace, for the four hundred and elebenty-twelve-billionth week in a row, with all of the attendant hammering, drilling, and whatnot One could possibly wish to enjoy with One’s morning coffee.  (Said “whatnot” includes, but is not limited to, outbursts of language which would make Us blush (if We were not already a cunning linguist Our Own Self.))



In other news, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Lotte Lenya…





In still other news, please Save The Dates for Thursday, May 8th, for the next installment of The Walker and O’Dare Radio Mystery Hour at the Powel House, and Saturday, May 10th, as the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage.  More on that story as it develops, but inside sources tell Us that Jesus H. Christ’s celebrity chair will be taken by His Mother, Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod! You won’t want to miss THAT!



We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:



Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):





And here’s the HorrorScope:



In celebrity birthday news, it is the birthday of some lovely specimen named Drew Seeley, of whom We have (much like what’s-his-pecs on Friday) never heard.  However, some crafty Googling on Wikipedia has enabled Us to pinpoint the onset of Our disconnect with current pop culture to Our complete ignorance of the entire High School Musical series.  Said ignorance, We hasten to assure you, seems destined to continue unabated, despite the existence in The Universe of Zac Efron’s (circumcised) penis.



In non-penis-related celebrity birthday news, this past weekend marked the birthday of Jack Klugman, which We bring up as an excuse to say, “Hi, Sharon!”




You’re exploring new territory today (Are We spelunking?  Because that sounds like more fun.  (Although “spelunkers have more fun” sounds like a terrible slogan.))




— maybe in the company of coworkers, maybe on your own entirely. (Oh, please.  Do you even need to ask?  We have no cow orkers.  All of Our cows are, sadly, unorked.)




The terrific energy that courses through you as you make discoveries is its own reward!  (Well, it’ll have to be, won’t it?  It’s not like any other rewards are coming along any time soon…)




The ball is totally in your court, (Just the one? Where’s the other one?)




 and you could be nearing the end of the game.  (Well, there’s a cheerful thought.)




Give it your all (Yeah, ya know, We try that…and still We wind up screwed.  Meanwhile, however, much like Ashton Kutcher’s The Butterfly Effect, the fact that We just got screwed has caused Us to refrain from doing A Nice Thing We were gonna do, and…JEEBUS CRIPES, STOP THAT INCESSANT DRILLING, OR WE’RE GONNA COME OVER THERE!)




— holding back now just confuses your teammates and might give your opponents just the opening they’re waiting for.  (Wait…Our opponents are waiting for Our opening?  Since when?)




You don’t want to do that, (Or much of anything else, neither.)




especially when the prize is just within your reach. (That’s whatcha get in CrackerJacks™.)




(What?)




 Most of all, you deserve it — a fact that competitors have to acknowledge.  (So are people who compete on the InterNetz dot.competitors?)





(Sorry.)




Keep up the good work!  (Kiss Our assets!  Also,  Our grits!)




 You know what? (Chicken butt.)




 Things are always, always greener, (It’s not easy being greener.)   


                            

so don’t make a wish. (Ice cream…is a dish…Moss Hart makes…)       




It might come true. (And We wouldn’t want THAT, now would We?)     




Avoid spending too much time lamenting your single status (But We are such a good lamenter…)




 — it’s really a blessing in disguise. (So it looks like a fucking curse, then?)




(Heh…see what We did there?)




You don’t realize it, but you’re the envy of all your attached friends.  (Well, sure.  If, by “attached friends”, you mean “conjoined twins”.)




Revel in it, baby!  (Oh, shut up.)





Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


                                                                                                                                     

Friday, April 25, 2014

Wynona’s got a big brown beaver







Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FridayFridayFriday, April 25rd , 2014.



Only eight more shopping months till Christmas. 




 Happy Birthday to Our Manhattanese Sistah, Asphyxia-8, who turns twenty-four today in Manhattanesia. 




Here is a little video in Her honor:






 Also, Happy Anzac Day to all of Our Gentle Readers Down Undah in Australia and New Zealand. Anzac Day is, of course, nowhere near as much fun as Administrative Profanity Day, but fuck it.






Alternatively, butt fuck it.  Now THERE’S some administrative profanity.





 (We mention Administrative Profanity Day mainly because We totes missed it earlier in the week.  Also, because We just totes block-copied this entire section from last year’s e-pissode.)





In other news, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Lana Turner…





In still other news, please Save The Dates for Thursday, May 8th, for the next installment of The Walker and O’Dare Radio Mystery Hour at the Powel House, and Saturday, May 10th, as the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage.  More on that story as it develops, but inside sources tell Us that Jesus H. Christ’s celebrity chair will be taken by His Mother, Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod! You won’t want to miss THAT!



We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:



Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):





And here’s the HorrorScope:



Okay, celebrity-wise, it is Daniel Sharman’s birthday today, and why is this the first We are hearing of this fine specimen?  YouPeople never tell Us anything. Or take Us anywhere.  Or hire Us a hooker…



And now, because Our day is scurrying away from Us apace, We present herewith Kelli’s daily blatherings, sans commentary.  You will simply have to IMAGINE what We are thinking.  (Hint: It isn’t pretty.):



This isn’t a good time to try new endeavors — not even those that seem like they are the best of ideas. Your energy is just better suited to cleaning up old problems or motoring along on the same paths.  Your life has been rather interesting recently. You’ve challenged authority and come away virtually unscathed, and then you moved on to handle cranky relatives, jealous friends and a sweetie with a bit of an attitude for no good reason. It’s long past time for you to take a break and allow the universe to arrange for a last-minute change of plans that is sure to work out well for you.  For real problems, you need real solutions and not just good ideas. Take a good look at your love life — is this what you want, or do you require something more? Dive deep and be honest with yourself.



Namaste, MotherFuckers.






In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.