Greetings, Ecclesiastic Robe In Chiffon---
Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, June 15, 2010 (If it’s Tuesday, this must be Belgrade. However, We are going to talk about the Lebanese. Yes, indeed, ladies and genitals, it has come to Our attention that We here at Eric’s Daily Horoscope have been seriously under-serving a significant portion of Our readership, namely Our l3sbian sisters (brothers? One gets so confused…) Why, We even throw Our str8 boi readers a bone (heh) from time to time, but Our l3sbian readers (do We even HAVE l3sbian readers?)? Not so much. (We just went back and put the hyphen in “under-serving” because, without it, it looked like a misspelling of “undeserving”, and We didn’t want a misspelling to confuse Tori Spelling. (How’d SHE get in here?) The things We do for YouPeople.) So here, in a token effort to begin l3sbian reparations (did that sound dirty to you?) is a little song. It is work-safe (as long as it’s safe at your work to say the word “”l3sbian” about fifty-two kabillion times), and it stars a bunch of British Muppets. (You can tell they are British Muppets because they are uncircumcised, and have bad teeth. (Well, actually, you can’t tell from the video that they are uncircumcised, because (A.) they are Muppets and (2.) they are (mostly) female Muppets. (You also can’t tell that they have bad teeth, because the two lead Muppets are birds. (Not “birds” in the British slang sense of “girls” (the way an American might say “chicks”), but ACTUAL birds with, ya know, wings. And beaks. And NO TEETH. (Oh dear lord Jeebus, lead Us out of this morass of parentheticalization (and into more @ss (no, that’s not it….oh, just go look at the d@mn song.)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))):
(If you know a l3sbian who might enjoy the preceding, please feel free to recommend Eric’s Daily Horoscope to her. (You DO recommend Eric’s Daily Horoscope to your friends, don’t you? You don’t just keep it all to your selves like selfish little Selfish McSelfishtons…DO YOU?))
(Our Our-O-Scope.)
Your words may not be magical, (Abra ka-fu(king-dabra, Bay-Bee.)
but their effects will be. (Pooooooffff!)
Feel free to spread them around liberally. (We do pretty much everything liberally.)
Make it a point to get involved in a family dispute, (Oh, please, no.)
or help a friend work out a touchy relationship situation. (Honey, if you’re at work, and you’re having a touchy relationship? You’re a pr0stitute, and We can’t help you.)
Isn't it high time that you and that certain someone had an elegant evening out? (Isn’t it high time that We had a certain someone? We seem to recall asking for such a thing for Our birthday. Did We have so much as ONE date? We did not. We didn’t even have a fig. Or a kumquat. B1tches.)
Sure it is. (For three words, We’re supposed to fire up Our Irish brogue? We don’t think so. We belong to a union.)
So what's the hold up? (It’s a criminal activity with robbers and guns. Jeebus. You don’t watch much television, do you?)
Got reservations? (Grave, GRAVE reservations.)
You can create cooperation with amazing ease, (But if you create evaporation with an amazing c00ze, you’ll REALLY have something.)
even among those coworkers who were previously plotting each other's demise. (Yet another reason why We’re ever-so-glad not to have coworkers.)
Oh, and during your lunch hour, offer your services as a hostage negotiator. (Screw that noise. Kill ‘em all and let G0d sort ‘em out…Imma eat my sammich.).
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
raise your hands, raise your hands if you’re cowgrass)
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