Vi-O-Lated in her slumber…Mackie, how much did you charge?

Greetings, Ectomorphic Rhinoceros Ingests Celery---


Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, June 09, 2010 (Happy birthday to Sharon, who turns twenty-four today. Also, happy birthday to Doug, who also turns twenty-four today. (Although if Doug is still actually reading these horoscopes, We’ll eat…well, something that We no doubt shouldn’t be eating.) And of course, lassoed but not leased, lashed but not leafed, latte unlisted Franz Liszt, and a whole lotta other L words Lotte Lenya, happy birthday to Johnny Depp, who also also turns twenty-four today, on (naturally) Hump Day. One hump or two, dromedary didgeridoo, inky dinky parlez vous. (As you can tell, We are just a tad verklempt at the thought that, somewhere in The Universe (possibly France), Johnny Depp is eating cake. No, seriously. He is HAVING his cake, and EATING IT, too. Sigh.)):


(There were four “also”s in the preceding paragraph. Which is alsomost, but not quite, enough for a rousing round of “Where’s Walso?” (As you may have already noticed, We got nothin’ this morning. All those birthday folk humping each other have left Us fresh out of funny.))


(Then and again, exactly how funny can an installment of Eric’s Daily Horoscope be when it has already referenced Franz Liszt and Lotte Lenya?)


(Lois Lane, Larry Linville, Lucy Liu.)


(What?)


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


Like it or not (Shouldn’t that be “like it or lump it”? (While wearing a Bump-It™ and eating a crumpet? (Meanwhile, in the true Eric’s Daily Horoscope spirit of Inquiring Minds Who Want To Know, We just went a-Googling on Wikipedia to ascertain just exactly what “lump it” in the phrase “like it or lump it” means. The origin is, apparently, unknown, although most American scholars take it to mean “shove it (up your @ss)”. One lone Brit (who appeared to have done some actual research) unearthed an obsolete meaning for “lump” as “to sulk”. The Americans promptly shoved said meaning up his @ss.)))


-- and you probably won't (Listen, Bee-Yotch, there were three parentheticals in between here and the beginning of your stupid sentence…”probably won’t” WHAT?)


-- you'll need to rearrange your schedule today to accommodate the whims of higher-ups, who, for some reason, won't see the urgency you do in keeping to a set routine. (Well. How very mysterious and murky. We do, in fact, have a wee project afoot later, but We cannot talk about it just yet, as it is all very hush-hush, Sweet Charlotte, keep it down now, voices carry. (Pop culture hot, pop culture cold, pop culture in the blender, whip, puree, frappe.))


(Paging RuPaul…RuPaul to the white courtesy phone, please…)


Deal with it. (Shove it up your @ss.)


There's something to be said for flexibility. (Especially when attempting to shove things up your @ss.)


Remember Mom asking you at least a thousand times if everyone else jumped off the bridge, would you? (If We’ve told you once, We’ve told you a million times: don’t exaggerate. Also, no.)


If you're not sure, at least invest in a parachute. (Or some kind of shoot, anyway. (Probably not a bumbershoot, though. And definitely not a bamboo shoot. Because what the h3ll are you going to accomplish with just one bamboo shoot? (See, YouPeople can go blithely about your daily lives because you’ve got Us here to worry about these things.)))


Your quest right now is this: Does the end always justify the means? (No, but if it mystifies the jeans, then apparently they DO make you look fat.)


(What?)


If you're in doubt, don't cock the trigger. (Oh, see, now. Sometimes, the jokes just make themselves.)






(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:






http://www.humorscope.com




because Cowgrass Fahms remembuhs)