Baby, baby, don’t get hooked on me

Greetings, Exxon Renames Itself Carlotta---

Here is your horoscope for Friday, October 08, 2010 (Happy birthday to JoshInNawlins, who turns twenty-four today.  If We ever have two shekels to rub together again, We’d like to find Our Own Self in Nawlins.  Well, We’d like to find Our Own Self PERIOD, but, if you’re gonna find your own self, you might as well find your own self somewhere FUN.)

(We just ate an apple.  It was good.  (Isn’t this SCINTILLATING?  Don’t you just feel as though you were (subjunctively) here?))

(TCBITWWW informs Us that he is a fan of the new reality show, Harry Loves Lisa, starring Harry Hamlin, who, for some inexplicable reason, is married to Lisa Rinna instead of to Us.  A year or two back, in Our capacity of WorldWideInterWebNetzian SurveyAnswerer, We gave Our opinion on an episode of this thing (which was not, if We recall correctly, called Harry Loves Lisa at the time).  As We recall, the only saving grace of the entire enterprise was the personalities of the two stars.   Unlike the Joan Rivers show, Where The Fu(k Did You Get All That Money? (or whatever it’s actually called…We can’t be arsed to Google), which We also reviewed, which had NO redeeming features.  Other notable shows We had input on were Pushing Up Daisies (it was in ratings trouble and they were trying to retool it to save it…they probably would have thrown out everything but the title) and Lost (remember those horrible subtitles that showed up all over the episode from last week when they used to show it before this week’s episode?  They wanted to put those on the first-run episode.  For the stupid people.  We said NO.).)

(We are not just a pretty face.)

(We would, at this juncture, tell you about Our dream wherein We were auditioning for Jeffrey and Cole Casserole, but that would require entirely too much exposition.)

(We LIKE saying “at this juncture”, and We are NOT going to change it to “now”, so fu(k you, Micro$oft Weird™.)

(In other news, somewhere We hang out on the WorldWideInterWebNetz caused Us yesterday to recall Our children’s book, which is still in search of an illustrator.  Here, for those who may have forgotten, is the text of Little Miss Prisspot:

LITTLE MISS PRISSPOT

Once upon a time, there was a fluffy little bunny named...well, for want of a better name, named Little Miss Prisspot. Now, while all the other fluffy little bunnies p00ped out the little doo-doos that rabbits make, Little Miss Prisspot p00ped out the frosting flowers that you find on wedding cakes. Naturally, Little Miss Prisspot thought her fluffy bunny @ssz was SPECIAL, what with p00ping out petunias, and pansies, and peonies, and whatnot.

("Whatnot", of course, is not a flower, it's more along the lines of "et cetera" in Fairy-Tale Language. Eric's Daily Horoscope Children's Books are both entertaining AND educational.)

Eventually, Little Miss Prisspot came to the attention of the local baker of wedding cakes, who put her bunny @ssz to work p00ping out the flowers in question for all the wedding cakes in the land. Which, as it turns out, was a lot of p00ping. One day, after a  particularly strenuous day of p00ping (there was a Christmas wedding, and Little Miss Prisspot had to p00p poinsettias), Little Miss Prisspot was p00ped. So p00ped, in fact that she misstepped (thereby exploding the entire myth of lucky rabbits' feet) off the kitchen counter and into the stewpot. Which, while unfortunate for Little Miss Prisspot, was quite a stroke of luck for the baker, who was able to invite the wicked witch from next door over for some lovely hasenpfeffer (incorporated). The baker and the witch were eventually married, and they had a lovely wedding cake that nobody had sh1t on.

The End)

(And heeeeeeeeeeeere’s Jesus:

)

(Our-O-Scopes:)

You have got to consider everyone else’s feelings today — more than your own, anyway. (Yeah.  THAT could happen.)

That’s not a permanent situation by any means, but it could lead to a permanent friendship or two.  (Is that like a home permanent friendship?  Which twin has the Toni™?  (Mmmmm….twins.))

The heavens are chock-full of unpredictable energies at the moment (Also, Our Underoos™ are chock-full of nuts.)

— which you just love. (We love nuts.)

They’re right up your alley. (Last We heard, if your nuts go up your alley, you’re doin’ it wrong.)

So does this mean you’ll be inspired toward being even more impulsive, eager and enthusiastic than you usually are? (Yes indeed doo, that is exactly what it means.  We are going to be impulsive, eager, and…what was the other thing?  Oh, yes: enthusiastic.  In fact, We are going to be a cocker spaniel puppy.  We just ate your shoe, and now We are going to pee on your carpet.)

Yep. (”Yep”?)

So is that good news, or what? (We’re gonna go WAY out on a limb and guess “or what”.)

Try shopping online for new romantic interests, (Mmm-hmm.  www.Wh0resRUs.com)

and be sure to send out a few sweet emails. (With nuts in ‘em?)

Head out to the park or a gallery and meet new people. (What, there aren’t enough people annoying Us already?)

The universe should reward your curiosity and directness. (The Universe should do a lot of things.  And yet, it just sits there.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

Cowgrass…insert slogan here)