Wild horses couldn’t drag me away

                                         

Greetings, Elegant Restaurant Introduces Corndogs---

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, October 21, 2010 (Good morning, boyz and gurlz.  You will recall that, yesterday, We woke up at 4AM and never went back to sleep.  Consequently, having slept through large portions of last night’s Survivor, We were ready for bed at around 9PM.  At 3AM, We woke up, screaming, with The MotherFu(ker Of All Leg Cramps. Our leg is still not Being All That It Can Be (and thus will not be enlisting in Our nation’s armed forces any time soon, but then, you probably knew that).  Fortunately, We were able to go back to sleep (now that the cramp has passed, it only hurts when We walk), but, if We had entertaining dreams, We don’t remember them.):

(The moral of the story: don’t get old.)

(In other news, in the few minutes We have spent thus far this morning on the WorldWideInterWebnetz, We have been Learning Things.  Thing Number One, apparently horses can’t vomit.  How We’ve lived all Our life without knowing this is entirely beyond Us.  And it explains a lot, doesn’t it?  “Horsec0ck” as a size descriptor, the absence of a gag reflex…in case you were wondering, We are busily planning Our new book, If You Give A Horse A Bl0wj0b,  which is, naturally, the sequel to If you Give A Mouse A Cookie.  Oh, the places We’ll go!)

(Thing Number B is related to today’s Erix Daily Horse-O-Scope (heh) Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Black Beauty My Friend Flicka Wiiiiilllllburrrr.  As you are no doubt sitting in front of your computer screen reading this, you are seeing the pixture as Albert Einstein.  However, if you step away from your screen, say about ten or twelve feet, you will see something else entirely.  (We’ll pause here for you to do that.  (We’re not making this up.))  See?  In much the same way, if you stand close to Us Our Own Self Personally, We look like, well, Us Our Own Self Personally.  However, if you back up away from Us, say ten or twelve feet, trip over the ottoman and hit your head on the fireplace fender, when you come to, We shall tell you that you got a bl0wj0b from Johnny Depp.)

(Aren’t the InterNetz educational?)

(Leg cramps ain’t for pussies.  Help Us, Jeebus.  (That would be more like a song if Jeebus’s middle name were (subjunctively) Rhonda.  But, as We all know, Jeebus’s middle name starts with H.  Unfortunately, what the H stands for is lost in one of those books they didn’t put in the bible due to references to recreational drug use and underwater photography.))

)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

Your instincts for finding new hot spots (Actually, We’re thinking a new hotPAD.  As well as some Poli-Grip™, some Geritol™, and some new colored Depends™.  (Yes, folks, Depends™ apparently now come in colors.  As well as Smell-O-Vision™.))

are driving you to get out in the world and learn even more about it. (Oh, please.  Now that We know that horses can’t vomit, what else could We possibly have to learn?)

See if you can get your best friends to follow along while you follow your nose. (Is it just Us, or is “smelling the absence of horse vomit” a little too Zen for all y’all as well?)

(Lest the WorldWideInterWebNetz be playing Us for a fool, We just did a little more research into this “horses can’t vomit” business.  Firstly, it would seem that rats can’t either.  Which, considering some of the stuff rats eat, makes One almost feel sorry for the rats.   Seconal, not only does it seem to be true, but “horses can’t vomit” has its own SitOnMyFaceBook page.  Which, Thurston, makes Us wonder if you’ve all known this all along and just weren’t telling Us.   (Don’t you tell US that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone.))

You’ve played your cards close to your chest for a while now, taking care to maintain your privacy. (One has no need to keep One’s cards close to One’s chest (isn’t the actual saying “vest”?) when One is playing solitaire.)

Better keep that up, because the heavens have arranged an opportunity for you to take a risk (Oh, please.  You can’t play Risk™ by yourself.)

— and to issue a challenge. (You can lead a horse to vomit…)

(We have no idea why We said that.)

For the next three weeks, a secret tryst will be possible. ((A.) With Our luck, she probably means “cyst”, but (2.) if she’s not just Ritalin Trixie, then We think We know who she means, and…hmmm.)

It’s time to snazz up your old dating profile. (We must whole-heartedly concur with Micro$oft Weird™ that “snazzy” is in no way a legitimate word, and is most certainly not a verb.)

Your creative energy is in full bloom for now, (Well, of COURSE it is…We’re wearing colored Depends™!)

so dig in and show the hotties what you’ve got going on. (Okay, in light of the Depends™, that last bit was just disgusting.)

Don’t skimp on the self-promotion (Also, don’t’ shrimp on the Barbie™. (What did that even MEAN?))

 — it can make a difference. (Didja ever notice that, while different is always, well, different, it’s only SOMETIMES better?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

It takes two hands to handle a cowgrass)