I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

                                         

(Apparently, Lorraine was sitting on his face.)

Greetings, Edict Redacted Inactive Contraction---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, October 25, 2010 (Oh, my dears!  You should be so very proud of Us!  We have finally put on Our big girl panties and replaced Our computer’s video card!  All by Ourself!  (Who knew that Our big girl panties were lesbian panties?  (Although the plaid flannel and burlap lining should have given Us a clue.))  And We didn’t even faint once!  Nor did We need the Phillips Head Screwdriver We had retrieved from the dungeon for the occasion.  (Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), who the h3ll is Phillip, and what the h3ll’s up with his head?)  So thank you, Princess Dothead, for sending Us a free video card to get Us off your telephone and stop Us from insulting your ancestors.):

(In other news, the WaitStaff has been appearing, unbeknownst to all y’all, on your telebisions.  WHYY made a very short promo about Us in January, 2009, and has just started airing it now. And here it is (it’s only about 3 minutes long, and (unlike the usual WaitStaff oeuvre) is totally safe for work:

Watch the full episode. See more Experience.

)

(In other news, the bestest Halloween card EVAH is here, courtesy of The Sainted Mother  (also safe for work): http://ak.imgag.com/imgag/product/preview/flash/bws8Shell.swf?ihost=http://ak.imgag.com/imgag&brandldrPath=/product/full/el/&cardNum=/product/full/ap/3125133/graphic1 )

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

If you can shuffle over to the window, (Yazzuh, Massuh, I’se shufflin’ jes’ as fass as I kin.  (Now where’d THAT voice come from?  (We’re schizophrenic, and so are We.)))

 you'll have some great daydreams. (Scr3w that noise…if We could just find a way to DVR the dreams We’re having at night, We’d be rich, We tell you, rich.)

Otherwise, try napping, listening to soothing music or soaking in a hot tub. (Can We gum down some pudding while We’re at it?  Just exactly how old a woman do you think We are?)

Try to conjure up enough oomph to pick up a pen, (And enough oom-pah-pah to pick up a tuba.  (And not a tuba toothpaste, neither.  (Ba-DUMP-bump. ThankYouVeryMuch, We’llBeHereAllWeek, TryTheVeal.))

pallet (“Pallet”?)

or needle. (NOW you’re talkin’.  (You DID mean “hypodermic needle”, diddencha? (Kiss Us quick, We’re Bette Midler in The Rose.)))

It's amazing how creative you can be, even in your delicate condition.  (G0ddammit, are We pregnant AGAIN?  ANOTHER Immaculate Contraption?  Never mind the wire hangers…Tina, bring Us the AXE!!!)

You're not just 'taken' with them. (And suddenly, We are one hundred percent positive that Kelli is one of those people that waves little Quote Fingers when she talks.)

You're blown (From your lips to G0d’s voicemail.)

away, (Oh.  That’s very different.  Never mind.)

completely fascinated and currently wondering what it is you have to do in order to get closer. (Or closure.  Or clothespins. Or closet space.  One of those.)

 It's not like you're being totally unreasonable. (Of course not. We are always The Very Pixture Of Reasonablosity.)

 It's that no one -- absolutely no one -- seems to be willing to see things your way. (Well, you know what They say:  “In the Kingdom of the Blind, the one-eyed man who shoots all the seeing eye dogs and constantly rearranges the furniture is King.”)

Now, why might that be? (Because it’s FUNNY.  Much like Helen Keller telling dead baby jokes.)

 They just don't seem to be getting it, (Much like Our Own Self.)

no matter how hard you try. (Trying is a trial.)

Well, why not stop trying, (Okay.  Bye.)

and focus on just being honest?  (Where’s the fun in that?)

Hey -- it can't hurt.  (Oh, sure it can.  The Universe will find a way.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

Insert Cowgrass commercial here.)