Someday you’ll find it, the rainbow connection

Greetings, Exercise Repeatedly Induces Coma---

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, October 13, 2010 (Happy birthday to OurCatherine, who turns twenty-four today.  And what a lovely day she’s got for it!  The sun is shining, the birds are birding, and there’s some story in the news about free chili.  And who doesn’t love THAT?):

(So when last We spoke (this is where The Royal We comes in especially handy.  Because, when We say “We spoke”, what We naturally mean is “WE spoke and YOU listened”.  Because, in Our fantasy universe, you listen when We speak.  We’re delusional that way. (Hmmm…now We’re confused…what were We talking about?  Oh, let ‘em eat cake.  As long as they save Us a piece.))…at any rate, when last We spoke, you will recall that We were about to take Ourselves out in a ball gown (who said that?) for a Columbus Comes Out Day cock…tail.  Well, We didn’t actually make it out on Monday.  We did, however, paint the town Cyd Charisse on Good Pie Rupee Tuesday.  (Oh, The Funny, she comes fast and furious!  It’s as though Erix Daily Horoscope were (subjunctively) suddenly plagued with AutoSuggest.)  A str8 boi of Our acquaintance took Us out to show Us how the g@y bars work.  Because, apparently, We are incapable of workin’ ‘em for Ourselves.  You can imagine how well THAT all went.  Needless to say (and needles in hay (stacks)), no fair young swains plighted Us their troth.  (Hmmm…Micro$oft Weird™ just let “swains”, “plighted”, and “troth” all go by without batting an eyeball.  Forsooth, odds bodkins, and holy shit.)  Naturally, We returned home just as bored and boyless as when  We left.  (Oh, sure, Micro$oft Weird™; flag “boyless” as Not A Word.  Walk a g0ddamn mile in OUR shoes and then tell Us “boyless” ain’t a word.  Tw@t.)  We did, however, unerringly identify the str8 bartender in one of the gay establishments.  There was, however, unfortunately no prize for this accomplishment.)

(Apropos of nothing,  heeeeeeeeeeeere’s Jesus:

)

(Our-O-Scopes:)

First thing this morning, perch yourself in front of any available mirror and flash yourself a big old grin. (It being noon, We’ll be foregoing all this “first thing this morning” ca-ca.)

That sweet, open and smiling face is what you'll need to force yourself to show the world (How sweet, open, and smiling We’re gonna be once We start projectile vomiting is anybody’s guess.)

-- if you expect to get along with your fellow humans over the next 24 hours.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Kiefer Sutherland.  (We put that in there for Dena.  Hi, Dena!))

Your drive is epic right now, (Also, Our weapon is icepick.)

and you can bet that success is sure to follow. (Success is sure to follow, or Fall is sure to suck…you be the judge, Judy.)

(See what We did there?  Oh, you don’t care either?)

Make sure to keep your eyes firmly on the prize, and to check with anyone who is mission-critical to ensure their participation.  (Who’s criticizing Our emissions?)

Age or appearance may set you apart today, (Because We are old AND ugly.)

 but it will not negatively affect how much respect you’ll be given (Mmm-hmm…when they start to “respect” you, you KNOW you’re over the hill.)

 — so don’t let anything put a damper on your positive attitude. (But please make sure you have Pampers™ on, or they’re liable to criticize your emissions.)

It’s not important what everybody thinks (Especially since nobody does.)

— just one meaningful connection matters to you. (Insert Tab A into Slot B.  Repeat as necessary.)

If you’re trying to impress everyone and be all things to all people, you’ve got to slow down and focus!  (That sentence would be a lot more forceful if it ended with “…slow down and fu(k ‘em.”  Oddly, Micro$oft Weird™ did not suggest that.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

Cowgrass...they plump when you cook ‘em)