To Surly, with love

(How many of all y’all are thinking of Lulu now?  G0d, YouPeople are old!  (Not because of the pixture, dumbass, because of the subject line.  Jeebus.))

Greetings, Effervescent Ratpoison Improves Champagne---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, October 04, 2010 (Ah, Monday!  Just another Mannix Monday.  (Are you wondering now, as We are, whatever became of Mannix star Mike Connors? Well, We just Googled his @ssz on Wikipedia.  He is still alive, for one thing, and is eighty-five years old.  His most recent gig appears to have been a 2007 episode of Two and a Half Men.   (Paging the Emmy noms committee.  (Nom-Nom-Nom)).  He is Armenian.  (This does not, as We initially suspected, indicate a penchant for wearing Armani.  Armenia is, according to Wikipedia, a country.  Who knew?  Meanwhile, if you start reading the (rather lengthy, for a country they just made up this morning) description of Armenia and the Armenians, and you have only had half a cup of coffee so far, your brain will consistently try to substitute “Americans” for “Armenians”, which will result in some really peculiar revisionist history.  Almost as though you were (subjunctively) reading a Texan textbook.)   Anyway.  We appear to have digressed.  Happy birthdfay to Our daughter, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Jill, who, co-inky-dinky-ly, also turns twenty-four today.):

(So We spent the vast majority of Our weekend in Wilmington, entertaining the Wilmingtonians.  Wilmington, for those of you who are unfamiliar, is conveniently located just off of Exit 6 on I-95.  

(That was a little joke for OurSara, who is one of the few people actually reading this. Hi, Sara!)  Perhaps next weekend, We shall do the show in Armenia.  If We can figger out what exit THAT’S conveniently located off of.)

(So Fall has fallen with a fu(king thud, eh?  Suddenly it’s cold as a witch’s t1t in a brass brassiere out there.  Gah!  (We were about to say We’d never even made it to the beach this year, but We WERE at the beach in California for Our birfday courtesy of TCBITWWW.  Never let it be said that We don’t maintain journalistic integrity here at Erix Daily Horoscope.))

(Speaking of journalistic integrity, We are willing to bet that there are at least one or two of you who are contemplating the raison d’être (“Raison d’être” is, of course, Frawnch for “Raisinettes™ with the chocolate licked off”.   Extra credit points if you know what’s Frawnch for “nuts with the chocolate licked off”) for today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus  Sidney Poitier Josephine Baker Nipsey Russell Condoleezza Rice.  It’s quite simple, actually.  If We were (subjunctively) wearing blackface, that is what We would look like.  From behind.)

(Is it racist to discuss wearing blackface if it’s only in the subjunctive?  Is it possible to be subjunctively racist?  If Helen Keller falls down in a forest, is there sound?)

(WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

There's nothing anyone can do right now to make you think for a second before expressing your thoughts. (But wait.  If We think about expressing Our thoughts, is the thought about thought expression one of the thoughts that We express, even if We didn’t think about the thought expression thought before We express it, do you think?  (See why We can never get anything done?  Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulism) is HARD!))

 Fortunately, (Which, no matter how much We wish it did, does NOT imply the imminent arrival of a fortune.)

you'll be so darned entertaining that no one will mind.  (Socks all around!)

They'll be laughing too hard to get mad. (Our fat @ssz in blackface will do that for a person.)

You want to get closer, but you're just not sure. (Also, We want to get closure, but We’re just not surly.)

(What?  Okay, We ARE surly, but how could We resist?)

Don't rush things. (Especially the Limbaugh.  (See what We did there?  Neither do We.))

Nature will either direct the course -- or not.  (Well, that clears THAT right up, dunnit?)

The only word that could possibly describe how you're feeling now is 'antsy.' (Close runners-up would be “aspidistra”, “aubergine”, and “Armenian”.)

Uncross those hands, (What does that even mean?)

get up and stop pretending it isn't happening. (Again with the antecedentless “it”.  Shut. Up. Kelli.)

Do something!  (Johnny Depp!)

Nail-biting doesn't count.  (How about c0cksucking?  Does c0cksucking work for you?)

Just don't say more than you need to, which might be tougher than it sounds right now. (Hey, We just said “Johnny Depp” and “c0cksucking”…We’re gonna be too busy to SAY anything.)

 

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

Nervous is why there’s new Cowgrass Dry)