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Friday, October 29, 2010

It was a graveyard smash


                                         

Greetings, Eggplant Replaces Indigo Chromatically---

Here is your horoscope for Friday, October 29, 2010 (So, Happy 81st Anniversary of the Stock Market Crash of 1929, which kicked off The Great Depression.  What We are currently having is clearly a mediocre depression at best.  Speaking of Things That Are Old, We Our Own Selves Personally are apparently now so old that Betty White shows up in Our dreams.  Seriously.):

(Oh, it wasn’t THAT kind of dream.  Get your mind out of the gutter…it’s crowding out Ours.)

(Also, Happy Trick-or-Treat to all you tricky treaters, untreated tricksters, titty twisters, and tinkle tweeters. (She sells chenille shells by the shores of Gitcheegoomee. (You will be pleased to learn that, in the spirit of accuracitiousness and factualicitiance, We just went and Googled “Gitcheegoomie” on Wikipedia to find out what the fu(k it is.   Turns out, it really isn’t anything except in that poem.  Also, We are spelling it wrong.  But, since it’s just made up, We don’t give a sh1t.  Too bad, so sad, @nal s3x with your dad.))  Meanwhile, if you got all the way through that dual parenthetical, and are STILL wondering to yourself, “What the h3ll is a tinkle tweeter?”, come sit next to Us in the gutter.)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

Enjoy some comfort food, some great big hugs and that wonderful sound your cat makes while it happily kneads your lap. (If anything is gonna “happily knead Our lap (!)”, it sure ain’t gonna be a pussy.)

This rare and wonderful thing you're experiencing is called contentment. (Or diphtheria.  One of those.  They’re easily confused.  (Which one has pustules again?))

(Sorry.  We forgot Ourself.  Once again, behaving in a manner We had sworn to eschew (gesundheit (thank you))).

You've earned it, and it's now your duty to enjoy it. (“It’s your duty to enjoy it”…hmmm.  Why is it that that doesn’t sound like any fun whatsoever?)

 You've been going all-out for weeks, (Which has been really fu(king up Our Hokey-Pokey score.  We keep falling over.  (Oh, come on.  YOU try, “You put your right leg out, you put your right leg out, you put your right leg out and you shake it all about” without falling over.))

with no breaks. (Except with reality.)

Take the evening off and have some actual fun. (There is more “actual fun” in that sentence if you change the beginning to “take the evening gown off”.  Just sayin’.)

You know what they say about all work and no play ... (Something about crack and Myrna Loy.  Or Myrna Loy’s crack.  Old sayings are confusing.)

(We just looked up Myrna Loy.  Had she lived, her crack would be a hundred and five years old.  Put THAT in your (crack)pipe and smoke it.)

You've definitely put in your time showing the world what you're made of. (Wait…the world’s been watching Us p00p?  How very sad for the world.)

The world will take notice soon. (We’re gonna recommend removing “notice” from that last sentence, and replacing it with a lovely blank.  Which it is now Your Doody to fill in.  Won’t that be FUN?)

 In the meantime, hang out at your place with dear ones, and take a nice nap.   (See, THIS is why no one ever visits Us.  “Hi, come on in, I’m gonna go take a nap.”  Talk about your hostess with the mostest biggest balls.  (Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), it is a well-known fact that Ethel Merman had ENORMOUS balls.  (On the other hand, Micro$oft Weird™ autocorrected “mostest” to “moistest” in that sentence…We have absolutely no information regarding Ms. Merman’s ballicular moistness.  Sorry.)))

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com
So kiss a little longer, longer with cowgrass.)

Thursday, October 28, 2010

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire


                                         

Greetings, Effort Requires Implicit Commitment---

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, October 28, 2010 (It may not have escaped your notice (although We have no evidence of that fact) that there was no installment of Erix Daily Horoscope yesterday.  That is because it was Hump Day, and We are tired of wishing YouPeople a Happy Hump Day, whereupon you merrily hump away without inviting Us.) :

(Things have been somewhat difficult of late, but they are the sorts of things that are too boring to be bothered complaining about.  Other than the descent in to the abyss of Fall (which We loathe, as it is the harbinger of Winter, which We loathe even more), in terms of The Big Things, everything in the garden is lovely (except, naturally, for the paucity of Big Things, but that, as They say, is Old News).  But the little things…the soufflé, she falls, the inanimate objects, they rebel, the people on telephones lie and do not do their jawbs.  Where, oh where is a handsome prince on a gleaming white steed to bring Us a winning PowerBall™ ticket so We can tell him to go fu(k himself?)

(We just re-read that last paragraph, and noticed that We are waxing particularly poetic this morning.  (Although it is somewhat unclear to Us what that actually means…who the h3ll wants to wax a poet?  One can, of course, imagine pounding Robert Frost, or frosting Ezra Pound, or cumming all over e.e. cummings…but wuzzup wit’ dis “wax” bidness?)

(Heh.  “cumming all over e.e. cummings”…We kill Us.)

(On the plus side (“side” not “size”.  B1tch.), things are not going as badly for Us as they are for Our chicken friends in today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Cock-A-Doodle-Doo Any-Cock’ll-Do-Tip-A-Canoe-And-Steven-Tyler’s-Tool.)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

Heaven help anyone who is under the mistaken impression that they can take you today, regardless of whether the challenge is verbal, physical or intellectual. (Okay, that?  All sounds like a LOT of work.)

If the individual has needed their comeuppance for some time, go ahead and administer it -- but gently.  (Sledgehammer?  Jackhammer?  PleaseHammerDon’tHurt’Em?)

That pounding in your chest isn't just your heart -- it's your heart enjoying a dose of good, old-fashioned and all-natural adrenaline. (Okay, Our heart needs to learn to drink tasteful cocktails like the rest of Us.  (Speaking of which, here’s this, which We have no idea what to do with, but never let it be said that We don’t strive to keep all y’all informed: http://news.discovery.com/human/do-intelligent-people-drink-more-alcohol.html)

Tackle your toughest projects now. (Oh, please.  At this point, getting dressed is a project.)

 There’s quite a sociable day on your agenda, (And a sociable disease on the verandah.)

 thanks to an affable astrological assembly, (Aff THIS, you alliterative @ssmunch.)

unanimously (Which We suddenly imagine meaning “without any animous”.)

intent on making things as easy on you as possible. (And We are nothing if not easy.  “That’s why I’m easy…I’m easy like an Easy-Bake™ oven.” (They just don’t write songs like that anymore.))

If you’ve missed out on any of the good gossip that’s been going around lately, not that you ordinarily indulge in such things, of course, here’s your chance to catch up. (To the best of Our knowledge, We know all the news that’s Freddie Prinze.)

Do keep in mind, however, there’s far more than chatting on the menu: Say, more than just a touch of intense romance, for example? (We have no response to that.  We will, however, point out that it reads much better with a Faux-Frawnch-PePe-LePew accent applied to it.  Go ahead, try it. We’ll wait.)

(See?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com
Insert Cowgrass commercial here.)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Am I blew?


                                         

Greetings, Emu Revue In Corfu---

Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, October 26, 2010 (We don’t know how on earth We manage to go on living in a neighborhood in which every time We try a new restaurant for dinner, We wind up with a new favorite restaurant, but somehow We muddle through. (Because you are no doubt peeing green with envy, We shall permit your jealous little selves to live vicariously through Us: http://www.levirtu.com/ .  (Please note that the restaurant’s website does not have a picture of the newly-dedicated outdoor mural, nor of the terrace, on which We Our Own Selves Personally enjoyed Our dinner.))):

(Sigh.  Now We are hungry for dinner all over again.  On the other hand, We are still Us, while you are wishing you were (subjunctively) Us, so We win.)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

What mere mortals erroneously think of as 'luck' has little or nothing to do with coincidence, and everything to do with smelling an opportunity while it's still in the oven.  (Is it actually possible for a metaphor to be mixed when it only has one part?)

You have been temporarily equipped with superpowers that will alert you to such a deal.  (And which exact superpowers would those be?  Because if it’s X-ray vision, We’re gonna spend the rest of the day watching Johnny Depp movies.  Just sayin’.)

Be alert!  (What the h3ll’s a lert?  Scr3w that noise!  Be a clown, be a clown, all the world loves a clown.  (Actually, clowns are kind of scary.  And weird.  One suspects that they molest children.  (There’s a circus in Our pants, and everybody’s coming.)))

(Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to know that “all the world loves a clown” should be “the entire world loves a clown”.  Please a lert Judy Garland.  Also, it would like Us to change “clowns are kind of scary” to “clowns are somewhat scary”.  In an effort to achieve compromise, We have decided to change it to “clowns are fu(king scary”.  Never let it be said that We are not kind of somewhat fu(king agreeable.)

 Delay, postpone, reschedule or just flat-out cancel. (Funny, We were just discussing that very thing.  Not, of course, so much “funny: ha-ha” as “funny, people don’t usually just burst into flames without warning like that”.)

Doesn't matter which option you choose. (That is true of so many things in life.)

Remember, you don't want to burn those bridges permanently. (I will burn you down….like a briiiidge over Ethel Waters…)

 Don't you dare give them the old 'gotta wash my hair tonight' excuse, no matter who 'they' happen to be, or what happened last time they asked. (What the h3ll happened to “Delay, postpone, reschedule or just flat-out cancel” from just three sentences ago?)

This is different.  (Indeed it is.  And “different” is such an interesting word.  As is “interesting”.  Both, for example, could be applied to the proverbial turd in the proverbial punchbowl.  So, no matter how much people try to pretend that they have pleasant connotations, they don’t.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to know that “turd” is not a word.  Micro$oft Weird™ has clearly not been spending the morning at Our house.)

Choose another day to ask for that raise, promotion or deluxe perk package. (Firstly, One would presumably have to ask for a JAWB before One asked for a raise or a promotion.  And sexually, We are attempting to imagine just what exactly “deluxe perk package” is a euphemism for.)

For now, be pleasant, accommodating and efficient.  (Have you met Us?)

Even if it kills you.  (Now THERE’S a plan.)
  

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com
Insert Cowgrass commercial here.)

Monday, October 25, 2010

I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone


                                         

(Apparently, Lorraine was sitting on his face.)

Greetings, Edict Redacted Inactive Contraction---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, October 25, 2010 (Oh, my dears!  You should be so very proud of Us!  We have finally put on Our big girl panties and replaced Our computer’s video card!  All by Ourself!  (Who knew that Our big girl panties were lesbian panties?  (Although the plaid flannel and burlap lining should have given Us a clue.))  And We didn’t even faint once!  Nor did We need the Phillips Head Screwdriver We had retrieved from the dungeon for the occasion.  (Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), who the h3ll is Phillip, and what the h3ll’s up with his head?)  So thank you, Princess Dothead, for sending Us a free video card to get Us off your telephone and stop Us from insulting your ancestors.):

(In other news, the WaitStaff has been appearing, unbeknownst to all y’all, on your telebisions.  WHYY made a very short promo about Us in January, 2009, and has just started airing it now. And here it is (it’s only about 3 minutes long, and (unlike the usual WaitStaff oeuvre) is totally safe for work:

Watch the full episode. See more Experience.


)

(In other news, the bestest Halloween card EVAH is here, courtesy of The Sainted Mother  (also safe for work): http://ak.imgag.com/imgag/product/preview/flash/bws8Shell.swf?ihost=http://ak.imgag.com/imgag&brandldrPath=/product/full/el/&cardNum=/product/full/ap/3125133/graphic1 )


 (Our-O-Scopes:)

If you can shuffle over to the window, (Yazzuh, Massuh, I’se shufflin’ jes’ as fass as I kin.  (Now where’d THAT voice come from?  (We’re schizophrenic, and so are We.)))

 you'll have some great daydreams. (Scr3w that noise…if We could just find a way to DVR the dreams We’re having at night, We’d be rich, We tell you, rich.)

Otherwise, try napping, listening to soothing music or soaking in a hot tub. (Can We gum down some pudding while We’re at it?  Just exactly how old a woman do you think We are?)

Try to conjure up enough oomph to pick up a pen, (And enough oom-pah-pah to pick up a tuba.  (And not a tuba toothpaste, neither.  (Ba-DUMP-bump. ThankYouVeryMuch, We’llBeHereAllWeek, TryTheVeal.))

pallet (“Pallet”?)

or needle. (NOW you’re talkin’.  (You DID mean “hypodermic needle”, diddencha? (Kiss Us quick, We’re Bette Midler in The Rose.)))

It's amazing how creative you can be, even in your delicate condition.  (G0ddammit, are We pregnant AGAIN?  ANOTHER Immaculate Contraption?  Never mind the wire hangers…Tina, bring Us the AXE!!!)

You're not just 'taken' with them. (And suddenly, We are one hundred percent positive that Kelli is one of those people that waves little Quote Fingers when she talks.)

You're blown (From your lips to G0d’s voicemail.)

away, (Oh.  That’s very different.  Never mind.)

completely fascinated and currently wondering what it is you have to do in order to get closer. (Or closure.  Or clothespins. Or closet space.  One of those.)

 It's not like you're being totally unreasonable. (Of course not. We are always The Very Pixture Of Reasonablosity.)

 It's that no one -- absolutely no one -- seems to be willing to see things your way. (Well, you know what They say:  “In the Kingdom of the Blind, the one-eyed man who shoots all the seeing eye dogs and constantly rearranges the furniture is King.”)

Now, why might that be? (Because it’s FUNNY.  Much like Helen Keller telling dead baby jokes.)

 They just don't seem to be getting it, (Much like Our Own Self.)

no matter how hard you try. (Trying is a trial.)

Well, why not stop trying, (Okay.  Bye.)

and focus on just being honest?  (Where’s the fun in that?)

Hey -- it can't hurt.  (Oh, sure it can.  The Universe will find a way.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com
Insert Cowgrass commercial here.)

Friday, October 22, 2010

But then we got drunk and fooled around and had a booty call


                                         

Greetings, Eczematous Rash Impairs Complexion---

Here is your horoscope for Friday, October 22, 2010 (Happy birthday in advance to AJ, who turns twenty-four this weekend.  And to JohnB, who also turns twenty-four this weekend.  That’s a total of four dozen, for those who are counting.):

(Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to change “a total of four” to “four”.  Micro$oft Weird™ should mind its own fu(king business.)

(Today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Shia LaBeouf Bourguignon, while clearly dated, was chosen because of a dream We had last night in which We found Ourself on a staircase that only went one way (We did not recall, upon waking, whether said way was up or down) when We wanted to go the other. We could see the stairs that went the way We wanted to go opposite Us, but We could not get to them.  (Obviously what We have here is the script treatment for the next Shia LaBeouf star vehicle, Going My Way Up The Down Staircase.  Bing Crosby and Sandy Dennis are rolling in their respective graves.))

(Anybody who didn’t understand the last part of that, get off my lawn.  Those of you who are still saying, “Who the fu(k is Shia LaBeouf?”, come sit next to Us.)

(In the interests of full disclosure, We should point out that We had no idea how to spell either “LaBeouf” OR “Bourguignon”.  We DID know how to spell the Frawnch “boeuf”, which obviously helped Us FIND “Bourguignon”, and, in Our own defense, there appear to be several approaches to spelling same. Presumably, however, Mister LaBeouf only spells his name one way.  Oddly enough, We have never had any trouble spelling “Johnny Depp”.)

(Aaaaand now We’re hungry for Boeuf Bourguignon.  Great.)

(So.  All that horse vomit yesterday, and still no pony.  Oh, and Our leg still hurts.  Thanks for asking.)

(Jeebus Cripes:


)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

This is the energy that's often in the building (What building?)

when actions are taken that merit medals, (What medals?)

awards and undying gratitude. (Gratitude is dead.  Also, God is dead: Nietzsche.  Nietzsche is dead: God.)

(We are pausing here to congratulate Ourself on spelling “Nietzsche” correctly the first time and without any help.  Yay, Us.)

Keep that in mind when you're asked to go above and beyond the call of duty. (Oh, dear.  Somebody’s gonna be very upset if they mix up their doody call and their booty call.)

(That was a little scatological humor for Our scatological friends.  Yes, indeedy doo-doo, folks, there’s something for everyone here at Erix Daily Horoscope.)

Collect yourself, (How many of Us are there?)

and dole your energy out wisely (“Dole out your pineapples”…funny?  Not funny?  We feel like We’ve lost all perspective.  Clearly, We are the MC Escher of humor.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

... a little at a time.  (Oh, was that sentence still going on?  Too bad, so sad, @nal s3x with your dad.)

They're thinking a lighthearted comedy and some chamomile tea would be perfect. (Who the hell are “They”?)

Yeah, right. (Oh, the sarcasm!  It stings.  (Also stinks, but who’s counting.))

Drop them off early and pick up a video and a beverage that's more to your current tastes. (Who wants to watch Disco Beaver From Outer Space with Us?)

Career or education may soon necessitate an exotic trip. (Yeah, We wanted to take an exotic trip this weekend, but We couldn’t make it work.  Sigh.)

Oh, stop acting like you hate the idea. (We hate so many things.  Ideas are just one of them.)

Is your passport current? (Wow.  Talk about your cliffhanger endings.  That’ll bring ‘em panting back next week to see what happens next, won’t it?  Jeebus.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com
Cowgrass…you’re worth it)

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Wild horses couldn’t drag me away


                                         

Greetings, Elegant Restaurant Introduces Corndogs---

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, October 21, 2010 (Good morning, boyz and gurlz.  You will recall that, yesterday, We woke up at 4AM and never went back to sleep.  Consequently, having slept through large portions of last night’s Survivor, We were ready for bed at around 9PM.  At 3AM, We woke up, screaming, with The MotherFu(ker Of All Leg Cramps. Our leg is still not Being All That It Can Be (and thus will not be enlisting in Our nation’s armed forces any time soon, but then, you probably knew that).  Fortunately, We were able to go back to sleep (now that the cramp has passed, it only hurts when We walk), but, if We had entertaining dreams, We don’t remember them.):

(The moral of the story: don’t get old.)

(In other news, in the few minutes We have spent thus far this morning on the WorldWideInterWebnetz, We have been Learning Things.  Thing Number One, apparently horses can’t vomit.  How We’ve lived all Our life without knowing this is entirely beyond Us.  And it explains a lot, doesn’t it?  “Horsec0ck” as a size descriptor, the absence of a gag reflex…in case you were wondering, We are busily planning Our new book, If You Give A Horse A Bl0wj0b,  which is, naturally, the sequel to If you Give A Mouse A Cookie.  Oh, the places We’ll go!)

(Thing Number B is related to today’s Erix Daily Horse-O-Scope (heh) Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Black Beauty My Friend Flicka Wiiiiilllllburrrr.  As you are no doubt sitting in front of your computer screen reading this, you are seeing the pixture as Albert Einstein.  However, if you step away from your screen, say about ten or twelve feet, you will see something else entirely.  (We’ll pause here for you to do that.  (We’re not making this up.))  See?  In much the same way, if you stand close to Us Our Own Self Personally, We look like, well, Us Our Own Self Personally.  However, if you back up away from Us, say ten or twelve feet, trip over the ottoman and hit your head on the fireplace fender, when you come to, We shall tell you that you got a bl0wj0b from Johnny Depp.)

(Aren’t the InterNetz educational?)

(Leg cramps ain’t for pussies.  Help Us, Jeebus.  (That would be more like a song if Jeebus’s middle name were (subjunctively) Rhonda.  But, as We all know, Jeebus’s middle name starts with H.  Unfortunately, what the H stands for is lost in one of those books they didn’t put in the bible due to references to recreational drug use and underwater photography.))


)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

Your instincts for finding new hot spots (Actually, We’re thinking a new hotPAD.  As well as some Poli-Grip™, some Geritol™, and some new colored Depends™.  (Yes, folks, Depends™ apparently now come in colors.  As well as Smell-O-Vision™.))

are driving you to get out in the world and learn even more about it. (Oh, please.  Now that We know that horses can’t vomit, what else could We possibly have to learn?)

See if you can get your best friends to follow along while you follow your nose. (Is it just Us, or is “smelling the absence of horse vomit” a little too Zen for all y’all as well?)

(Lest the WorldWideInterWebNetz be playing Us for a fool, We just did a little more research into this “horses can’t vomit” business.  Firstly, it would seem that rats can’t either.  Which, considering some of the stuff rats eat, makes One almost feel sorry for the rats.   Seconal, not only does it seem to be true, but “horses can’t vomit” has its own SitOnMyFaceBook page.  Which, Thurston, makes Us wonder if you’ve all known this all along and just weren’t telling Us.   (Don’t you tell US that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone.))

You’ve played your cards close to your chest for a while now, taking care to maintain your privacy. (One has no need to keep One’s cards close to One’s chest (isn’t the actual saying “vest”?) when One is playing solitaire.)

Better keep that up, because the heavens have arranged an opportunity for you to take a risk (Oh, please.  You can’t play Risk™ by yourself.)

— and to issue a challenge. (You can lead a horse to vomit…)

(We have no idea why We said that.)

For the next three weeks, a secret tryst will be possible. ((A.) With Our luck, she probably means “cyst”, but (2.) if she’s not just Ritalin Trixie, then We think We know who she means, and…hmmm.)

It’s time to snazz up your old dating profile. (We must whole-heartedly concur with Micro$oft Weird™ that “snazzy” is in no way a legitimate word, and is most certainly not a verb.)

Your creative energy is in full bloom for now, (Well, of COURSE it is…We’re wearing colored Depends™!)

so dig in and show the hotties what you’ve got going on. (Okay, in light of the Depends™, that last bit was just disgusting.)

Don’t skimp on the self-promotion (Also, don’t’ shrimp on the Barbie™. (What did that even MEAN?))

 — it can make a difference. (Didja ever notice that, while different is always, well, different, it’s only SOMETIMES better?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com
It takes two hands to handle a cowgrass)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Smells like teen spirit


                                         

Greetings, Eating Ramennoodles Incapacitates Collegians---

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, October 20, 2010 (Happy Hump Day!  We Our Own Selves Personally have been enjoying Our Hump Day since four AM, which is when We decided to wake up for good.  We made valiant efforts to go back to sleep, but finally left the bed at 7AM to come play on the WorldWideInterWebNetz with al y’all.   Also, Happy Spirit Day…as you can see, in honor of the occasion, We have made “ramennoodles” all one word.  Because it’s totally cuter that way.  In unfortunate news, however, We are pretty sure the only purple thing We have to wear is a big ol’ sweater that’s gonna be much too warm for today’s weather.  (It goes without saying, does it not, that We mean the only gender-appropriate purple thing.  We could wear Lady Purple for a solid week and never wear the same thing twice.  As long as We could find some truly militant control-top pantyhose.))

(Meanwhile, speaking of bed, in the brief time that We WERE asleep last night, We were paid an official visit of some sort at Our very HouseWhereWeLive by The President.  Of the United States.  We’re not exactly sure what he wanted, as most of the dream seemed to be taken up with preparations for his arrival.  And just the night before in Dreamland, We had been performing (sans rehearsal, as all the most horrifying actor’s nightmare dreams are) in The Rocky Horror Show. As BRAD, if you can imagine it.  Which is understandable, what with the upcoming Rocky Horror episode of Glee. Not so understandable is why OurKathleen (hi, Kathleen!) was playing Janet.)

(Lord, We’re tired.  And We fear We’re making even less sense than usual.  Maybe Jeebus will help Us…


)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

First thing this morning, find some bodyguards and commission them to discreetly nudge aside anyone who gets in your way. (Oh, please.  If We had anything remotely resembling employees, their first duty would be to talk on the phone to people from Third World countries.  (Although We should mention at this juncture that Princess Dothead did come through and send Us a new video card.  Of course, it arrived after the computer had mysteriously repaired itself.  Our world and welcome to it.))

(In still other news, We would like to commend Micro$oft Weird™ for pointing out the split infinitive in Kelli’s alleged sentence.  We don’t care how relaxed the rules of grammar pretend to become in these troubled times, We ain’t havin’ any split infinitves.)

You won't take no for an answer!   (Since when do people even bother answering Us?)

'Maybe,' or 'We'll see,' won't work either. (And “your daughter’s pregnancy has brought much happiness to our village” is so occasion-specific.)

Anything less than absolute acquiescence to your demands will quickly lead to a heated situation. (“Absolute Acquiescence” was, of course, Our nickname in high school.  Unfortunately, the boy whose nickname was “Heated Situation” never asked Us to acquiesce to anything.)

Consider carrying a fan!  (If they are Our fan, shouldn’t THEY be carrying US?)

You've had all the bickering you can stand. (Indeed.  Let’s move on to lickering and dickering, Doc.)

You're ready to deliver an extremely terse good-bye. (Oh, please.  Have you met Us?  When were We ever terse?)

 Just be sure you don't rush out immediately to find yourself another worthy opponent.  (“Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots” have just leapt unbidden into Our sleep-deprived brain.  Do they still make those?  (It would appear so.  We just banged Our crystal ballz together and came up with this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rock_'Em_Sock_'Em_RobotsNo need to visit the site unless trivia thrills you, although We will share with you that the highlight, for Us, was the fact that, in the UK, they are called “Raving Bonkers”.  Those wacky, zany, madcap Brits….ya gotta love ‘em.))

After weeks of imploring a certain someone for five teeny, tiny minutes together, they've unexpectedly suggested an entire evening. (Is it a teeny, tiny evening?)

(It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the…no, it’s the size of the boat.)

Tonight. (Well, it IS Hump Day, after all.)

Unfortunately, your place is a mess. (It is NOT…The President was just here and everything.)

So what to do? (Johnny Depp’s laundry? (Or at least a small load by hand.))

Duh -- have dinner out.  (Didja ever notice how people start sentences with “Duh” to indicate that what they are about to say is obvious, when, in reality, it’s often just something really stupid?  (Did We mention that We hate people?  (Although not as much as yesterday.  Yesterday, We wanted to punch everybody on the InterNetz right in their faces.)))

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes):
http://www.humorscope.com
Never let ‘em see ya cowgrass)