Time heals everything, Tuesday, Thursday

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  AlmostFriday, February 28, 2013.  Oh, Our dears!  We neglected to so much as pause to reflect the other day when We hit the two-thirds-through-Winter mark, and here We are, putting a fork in February!  And February does indeed look best in the rearview mirror with a big ol’ fork in its ass.  And We’re not talkin’ no little shrimp fork, neither.  This here is a big-ass ol’ serving fork, with five or six tines, and possibly electrified.  Fuck you, February, We never liked you!

On the plus side, the sun is shining.   On the minus side, through total fault of Our Own, We are on Day Two of Maya Angelou’s Christmas tree’s ass.  (If you don’t know what that means, you didn’t read yesterday’s e-pissode.  We’ll wait: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/02/in-navy-you-can-sail-seven-seas.html )

Also on the plus side, We are rehearsing today, but not until the ever-so-much-more-civilized hour of 1:30.  We would tell you what We are rehearsing for, but then you wouldn’t go check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event for same, where they explain it all so much better than We could:  http://www.facebook.com/events/617567798260241/ (Oh, don’t lie to Us, you would not.  We have looked at Our calendar for yesterday, and it did not say, “Be born”.)

In random other news, We would very much like to pay Our gas bill, but We cannot find it.  The last time We could not find it, it was because it had not come yet, but, it being the very last day of February (hold your hats and hallelujah, mama’s gonna show it to ya), We suspect that that is not the case.

Meanwhile, shouldn’t it be Our husband’s job to find and pay the gas bill?   After all, it’s Our job to look pretty.  Which leaves Us very little time for gas.

Speaking of gas, We have released (wet fart…who’s got a comb?) Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces, which see above.  Here is the link with which you would share same with your friends, both Piscean and otherwise:    http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .

Here are the HorrorScopes:

How is it that, after all these years, Bernadette Peters’ birthday is still not a national holiday?

You’ve got to keep pushing in this new direction — you can tell that you’ve got a ways to go, but you can also tell that things are definitely improving!  (Well, at least, at this point, We are fairly sure that it will eventually be Spring.)

It’s a good time to give yourself a pep talk.  (What is this, the 50s?  How ‘bout We give Ourself a fucking pep PILL?)

When you know you’re right, you’re right!  (See, that sounds very simple, but it’s actually quite confusing.  For example, if We think We’re wrong, are We wrong, because We’re always right, or are We right because We’re always right, and therefore, wrong?)

So listen to what that little voice in your head is telling you today. (Is that little voice in Our big head or Our little head?  (We do everything the voices in Our pants tell Us to do.))

It has invaluable insight that you will need.  (How much insight can there be in the head that only has one eye?)

(Is it just Us, or is today’s e-pissode being written by Jean Paul Sartre?)

Someone’s invitation will catch you a bit off guard today, (Trust Us, if We actually got invited anywhere, We would be totally off guard.  People don’t even answer Our emails, let alone ask Us to go paces.)

but it will also show you a glimpse of your possible future. (We are much more interested in Our IMpossible future.  It is, after all Bernadette Peters Day.)

Is this the path you really want to take?  (In general, We try to avoid things called “paths”.)

Tune into that voice again and do whatever it says.  (Is anyone else currently picturing the contortions required for said voice to whisper in Our ear?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.  Keep calm and carry on.)

Picking the right path should not be something that you deliberate over for days. (Well, if We must pick a path, Sylvia Plath, let it be the primrose one.)

It should be something you just do.  (Like dykies in Nikes™, or tatting a doily.)

(We have no idea what just happened there.)

Rein in that assertiveness today. (Should We rein it in assertively?  You act as though words have no meanings, Kelli, and it is really starting to twist Our knickers.)

(Let’s twist Our knickers again, like We did last summer…)

(Sorry.)

Now’s not a good time to make the first move. (Then it must not be a good time to make ANY move.  Because, until the FIRST move is made….oh, never mind.)

Give the other person control of the situation.  (Should We hand over the reins ASSERTIVELY, ASShat?)

If nothing comes to fruition, it wasn’t meant to be. (Or it wasn’t meant to be fruit, at any rate.)

Move onto something else. (The specificity of that remark is so helpful, We are tempted to eat it with a fork. A big-ass ol’ serving fork, with five or six tines, and possibly electrified.)

(Now excuse Us, while We go eat cake with Bernadette Peters.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

In the navy, you can sail the seven seas.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Wednesday, February 27, 2013.  Happy Hump Day, y’all.

We are debating with Ourself whether to tell you that We really don’t have much of a point today, and that, consequently, today’s e-pissode is going to be largely a good, old-fashioned Potpourri-For-$500-Alex, or whether to let you find that out for your own selves.  We’ll let you know what We decide.

So, how about Anne Hathaway turning out to be Satan?  Didn’t see THAT coming, did We?  Although setting her sights on being Julia Roberts should have been a big ol’ red flag.

Which leads Us to the random thought that if Being John Malkovich had (subjunctively) been Being Julia Roberts, it would have been a very different fillum.

In other news, We are drinking tea.  Because, at the Ack-A-Me yesterday, We forgot to buy coffee, and We have a HouseWhereWeLive full of tea, even though We never drink tea, which is why said tea is still here and not gone, but why was it ever here in the first place?

The tea in question is from Twinings™, and is called “Christmas Tea”.  It is flavored with cloves, and cinnamon, and other spices, and tastes not unlike licking a Christmas tree’s asshole.  A REAL Christmas tree, not an ARTIFICIAL Christmas tree.  Obviously.  Because why would an ARTIFICIAL Christmas tree need an asshole?

All of which serves to explain why We are a little cranky this morning.  Well, that and the fact that We have now been forced to ponder the question of whether plants poop.  They must; modern literature tells Us that EVERYBODY Poops.  But then why do they need fertilizer?

Additionally compounding Our crankitude are Our ongoing efforts to maintain something like a social life and avoid being a complete hermit in the face of The Strains Of Modern Life.  The communication and scheduling feats required to accomplish this are not unlike juggling, if you imagine that you are juggling three balls, one of which is a balloon, one of which is a waffle iron, and one of which is invisible, and, on every third time-around, becomes a chainsaw.

That was poetical, was it not?  Kiss Us quick, We are Maya Angelou.  Or Maya Angelou’s Christmas tree’s asshole.  One of those.

We were just taking a WorldWideInterWebNetzian survey for fun and profit, and they asked Us what features We’d like to see in an e-reader.  To which We amused Ourself by replying, “Paper pages”.

Yesterday, meanwhile, We made meatballs.  Because We are apparently someone’s Italian great-grandmother.  We’re not sure why We’re sharing that, except that some of you who may object to hearing about Maya Angelou’s Christmas tree’s asshole might prefer instead to hear about Our balls.

We are fairly certain that We had some other bit of brilliance to share with you, but it will just have to wait till tomorrow.

Speaking of everybody pooping, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces, which see above.  Here is the link with which you would share same with your friends, both Piscean and otherwise:    http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .

Here are the HorrorScopes:

Speaking of Elizabeths, as We were just yesterday, it is Elizabeth Taylor’s birthday.

You have too many little details to handle today  (Tell Us about it.  Didja READ this e-pissode, or didja just nakedly skim it?)

— so make sure that you’re either reenlisting the help you need or deferring some of this insanity until tomorrow or even later.  (“Reenlisting”…”deferring”…”insanity”…aren’t those military terms?)

As devoted as you are to your friends and loved ones, you cannot be responsible for them.  (Well, no.  Because We were never sponsible in the first place.)

So if one of them comes under attack today, you need to think twice before stepping up to defend them.  (Okay, “attack”…”defend”…are We suddenly in the Marines? (Well, that’s just ridiculous…We can’t be in the Marines.  Well, We can, but We can only be in them one at a time.))

In doing so, you could be inserting yourself (Heh.)

into a situation (Uranus.)

that is much more complex than you truly understand. (No, Honey, they repealed “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”.)

Instead, you should step back and let them handle this thing on their own. (Aw, where’s the fun in that?)

They won’t feel let down — deep down, they know that you’re there if they need you later.  (This just gets dirtier and dirtier, dunnit?)

You’re usually more of the social leader than the wingperson, but if someone’s calling on you to back them up on a romantic mission, (Or e-mission…)

do your part.  (Indeed.)

Who knows — it could work out for you too.  (Apparently, today, ze jokes?  Zey tell zemselves.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Goldfingerbangin’ my heart

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  ToozDee, Febraury 26, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Doug, who turned twenty-four today.  Also, Happy Birthday to Walter, who also turned twenty-four today.  God’ll get you for that, Walter.

Today’s e-pissode mainly exists because yesterday’s e-pissode was unable to be fully indexed, as Bloggonia only allows 200 characters worth of indexing per e-ntry.  We had rehearsal at 10:30 this morning (We *KNOW*!), but We still felt compelled to come and rectumfy this shortcoming.  If you have not already read Our review of the Oscars™, kindly go and do so here:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/02/do-you-hear-people-sing-people-who-need.html  If you HAVE already read it, read it again; it’s funnier the second time.  Trust Us.

In other news, prior to Sunday’s Oscars™, We finished the season finale of Weeds.   As you may or may not know, Elizabeth Perkins left that series in its fourth or fifth season, and subsequently became Elizabeth McGovern, who is now on Downton Abbey.  Our mind is a terrible thing to waste, and also eats paste.

Speaking of a thrill just to be nominated, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces, which see above.  Here is the link with which you would share same with your friends, both Piscean and otherwise:    http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .

Since there was no Our-O-Scope yesterday, here is one today:

Can you handle the responsibility of tackling your basic needs first and foremost? (No.)

(So?  What are you going to do about it?)

It may get dull, (Ya think?)

but sometimes you need to push through the boredom to get to somewhere much better!  (With Our luck, We shall push through the boredom and wind up in a cesspool of ennui.)

Right now, you finally have all the resources and energy you need to push things out of the ‘planning’ stage and into the ‘happening’ stage — so what are you waiting for?  (For somebody to invent the word “plappening”.  Because how cool would THAT be?)

Today is a very good time to initiate projects, especially ones that involve legal documents or proceedings.  (If We’re going to initiate something, could it be pledges at a frat house?  Pretty please?)

Starting a new business relationship?   (Yeah.  We thought We’d go over to Broad Street and fuck the Jiffy Lube.)

(WHAT did she say???)

Finalize the details today. (Also, simonize the entrails.)

Everyone has the same goals in mind, and is ready to formalize things so that everyone can start moving forward.  (Ev’rybody’s doo-ooin’ a brand new dance now…c’mon, baby, do the locomotion…)

(What?)

Your energy and excitement make you one hot number right now, (Sixty-nine?)

so get out and do something you’re enthusiastic about. (Yep…sixty-nine.)

It’s when you’re having this much fun — and looking this good — that romance tends to sneak up on you.  (Oh, well…as long as We’re having THIS much fun, and looking THIS good…fucking romance’ll probably sneak up on Us, and We’ll shit Ourself.)

(Poop.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Do you hear the people sing people who need people?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  JustAnotherMagicMikeWasn’tEvenNominatedMonday, February 25, 2013.  Oh, Our dears, this is going to be a long one!  (That being, We shouldn’t even have to point out, unless you are such a newb that they just took the wrappings off, What She Said.)  For the first time evah here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, We are going to bring you complete Oscar™ coverage, except for those parts where We hadda go pee.  Because, as We have recently discovered, YouPeople do so prefer to follow Our bouncing ballz along when We have a point.

But first, some birthday wishes.  From Saturday, Happy Belated Birthday to Lyle and his sister, Lyell, each of whom turned twenty-four that day.  (You might think that would make them twins, but they are hardly identical.)  Happy Belated Birthday also to Susan, who also turned twenty-four On Saturday, and who is on the verge of becoming Our second-cousin-in-law.  (We have a chart that tells Us things like who’s a first, second, and third cousin, who’s removed, who’s an inlaw, who’s an outlaw, who’s on first, what’s on second, I don’t know’s on third…this is getting really long and We didn’t even get to the Oscars™ yet.)

Also from Saturday, Happy Belated Birthday to Chris and to Nick, who also turned twenty-four.  And from Sunday, Happy Belated Birthday to MizGerreGarrett and to Cathy, each of whom also turned (in an odd coincidence) twenty-four, and to Jonathan, who, marching to a differently-abled drummer as he does, did NOT turn twenty-four.  And, last but not Lee’s™ Press-On Nails, Happy Birthday to Len, who turns twenty-four today.

And now, ladies and genitals, the Oscars™!

First off, We must point out that We started off under the mistaken impression that the proverbial shit was to begin hitting the proverbial fan at 8PM Eastern Standard Time, so We are also able to report on a bit of the pre-show red carpet shenanigantics.    This consisted of several noted entertainment reporters, all dressed to the nines, asking every woman who wandered their way, “Who are you wearing?”  Our first sign that this was going to be a long, unrelenting evening was when not a single woman replied, “Ross Dress-for-Less…what’s it to ya?”

In addition to the noted entertainment reporters, this segment of the evening also involved, inexplicably, Kristen Chenowith, flitting about the celebs like a hyperactive mosquito with attention deficit disorder and a crack pipe, saying, “Bless your heart” a lot.  Now, while Kristen Chenowith is well-known on the Broadway stage, and has, in recent years, begun making inroads into television, We are hard-pressed to name A Kristen Chenowith Fillum.  Mainly because We don’t think there are any.  Also, she is weird looking and way too skinny.  Go away and eat a fucking sandwich, Kristen Chenowith.

Speaking of weird looking, Our apologies to People magazine and the rest of his fans, but We totally Do Not Get the Channing Tatum fascination.

The red carpet also marked the evening’s first (but by no means the evening’s LAST) appearance of Miss Jane Hathaway, who was, of course, nominated for Best Supporting Anorexic for Baguette’s Feast, or some other damn foreign fillum.  She was wearing a pale-pink dress through which One could clearly see her nipples, despite the fact that she has no breasts.  Mister Drysdale will certainly be giving her a talking-to in the morning.  Although Jethro no doubt had a boner.

For those who would like to (re-)read Our review of Miss Jane Hathaway's fillum, please see here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/02/everybody-raise-glass-raise-it-up.html

Would We be showing Our age if We mentioned that we remember when Daniel Day-Lewis was hot?

Okay, so now We’re about to leave the red carpet and go start the show.   But first, for some reason, they want Us to know that the cast of Glee is  somehow the future of movie-making, and will be helping to present Oscars™ throughout the evening.  Also, lest We think that Kristen Chenowith has gone off somewhere to bite her husband’s head off after mating, they threaten Us that, if We stay awake throughout the entire proceedings, at the very end, she’s gonna SING to Us.  Because there’s nothing anybody ever wants more, after they’ve given out the very last Oscar™, than for the show to go on a while longer.

Okay, NOW We’re inside, and the show is starting, and Our first thought is, Day-um, Donny Osmond has had some work done!  But what the hell’s wrong with his hair? (We did, of course, ultimately realize that the host is not Donny Osmond, although We cannot be arsed, at this point, to remember who the hell it is.  However, during a commercial break, IMDB informed Us that he had every bit as much business appearing on the Oscars™ as Donny Osmond and/or Kristen Chenowith, and---)

WTF?!?  Is that William Shatner?  Why, yes…yes, it is.  Conveniently attired, for those who might not recognize him from his long and illustrious fillum career, in his Star Wars Trek uniform.  He is interacting with Donny Osmond in what is apparently Act Four of the evening’s opening.  “You don’t,” he intones, “want to be the first Oscars™ host to get a bad review.”  (Apparently, We are all supposed to have forgotten the 2011 debacle involving James Franco and Miss Jane Hathaway.)

Note to Self:  Since he refuses to become past tense, should his name be William Shitner?

Wow, this opening is long.  Like Wagner’s Ring Cycle long.  And equally funny.  For some reason, Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron dance during it.  The dance is well-executed, and mercifully brief.  Not, however, so brief that it doesn’t give Us time to realize that Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron have the same initials.  They could get married and nobody would need to buy them new towels.  Also, Channing Tatum is wearing, We shit you not, spats.  We don’t know why people wore spats back when people wore spats.  He looks even stupider than he looked on the red carpet.

Also dancing? Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe.   We have dreams in which Joseph Gordon-Levitt dances with Daniel Radcliffe.  But (A.) they are not tap-dancing and (2.) they are not wearing tuxedos.

We trust We have given you some sense of just how long the opening was.  We are not, naturally, going to do an award-by-award description of the rest of the evening, as We are not being paid by the word; We shall just leave you with some kaleidoscopic impressions.

At some point early on That Fat Chick Who Is Making A Career Out Of Nothing Except Being That Fat Chick came out to present.  Hey, Fat Chick:  if you want Us to be politically correct, and NOT call you out for looking like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon, you might wanna see to it that your stylists don’t dress you in some ill-fitting battleship gray shmata that makes Us think alternately of elephants and hippopotami.  KThxWaddleOff.

Is Dustin Hoffman making The Tony Bennett Story?

Whatever happened to Jamie Foxx’s eyebrows?

Damn…why was the Downton Abbey finale last week?  We could totally switch over to that.

Is there really an animatronic bear telling Jews-in-Hollywood jokes?  Really?

No Sound Design award for the sound people working this show…the orchestra consistently overpowered every single singer.  Until they got to the Les Miz part.  Which sounded a kabillion times better than the actual fillum.  Of course, the excerpts from Chicago and Dreamgirls only served to point out how wretched Les Miz really was.

Speaking of singers and animatronics, did anyone else find it bizarre that the nose that Barbra Streisand refused to have surgically altered for all those years is now the only thing on her face that has NOT been surgically altered?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.

Also, you GO, Shirley Bassey!  Also, Adele!  And this, it should be noted, especially by Elephant Fat Chick from earlier, is how a generously-proportioned woman needs to dress herself.  “Skyfall”, unfortunately, is a mediocre song at best, especially as Bond songs go, but who cares?  Adele has an Oscar™!

Meryl Streep, meanwhile, apparently picks her ass just like anybody else.

And, just as threatened, the evening ended with a song by Kristen Chenowith and Donny Osmond, full of jokes about the nominees who didn’t win Oscars™ that nobody could hear because the sound balance was so off.

Speaking of a thrill just to be nominated, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces, which see above.  Here is the link with which you would share same with your friends, both Piscean and otherwise:    http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .

Many of you will recall Our 2012 Pisces video, complete with guest appearance by Justin Bieber. Since We never tire of sharing that with Our adoring public, while We are waiting for Our invitation to go sailing on Mister Bieber’s yacht, here it is:

We repeated that paragraph in its entirety from the other day because We are still pondering what exactly the “sailing on Mister Bieber’s yacht” euphemism might actually mean.  Sigh.

We are out of time for today, so here are:

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.