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Monday, October 31, 2011

Bet I’ll have you naked by the end of this song



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Halloween (oooooh, scaaaaarrryyyy!), October 31, 2011.  Actually, the scariest thing about Halloween this year is that We are reasonably sure it was just August about a nanosecond ago, and suddenly it is virtually November.  We are not, how-you-say, amused.

Of course, the big story around these parts this morning is the arrival of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: SCORPIO video, complete with a Very Special Guest Appearance by boyband-heartthrob-turned-thespian, Mister Justin Timberlake, with his dramatic interpretation of a monologue from the sequel to the Oscar™-winning Daniel Day-Lewis fillum, My Left Foot, which is cunningly entitled My Right Tit. This is not-to-be-missed, people, and please share it with your friends:


Here is the link with which you can do the aforementioned sharing thing:


 Your friends will no doubt be as amazed as you are about Mister Timberlake’s celebrity cameo.  Of course, SCORPIO being Our sixth installment, We are now being deluged with requests to appear by all manner of celebrities who are attempting to jump on Starzina’s bandwagon. (Ahem.)  But We want to hear from YOU, Our Faithful Gentle Readers.  Perhaps one of you has an idea for a Special Guest Appearance in an upcoming Time Of The Month Horoscope.  Do please drop Us a line or
leave Us a comment and let Us know.

In other news, there was some manner of glitch in Bloggonia, whereby Our Google-O-Meter™ would have Us believe that not a single living soul read Our Friday epistle. (Link to said epistle here for your convenience:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2011/10/bermuda-bahama-come-on-dalai-lama.html ).  This seems well-nigh impossible to Us, as the self-same Google-O-Meter™ informs Us that forty people have read the infamous Charlene Tilton episode, and that people stumbling upon Us by searching “Charlene Tilton” continue to pour in.  So, if you read the Friday episode prior to reading this, and would be kind enough to let Us know, We are saying “ta very much” in advance in Our pants Judith Krantz Vivian Vance.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for:  Justin Bieber’s manager says, “Vocally, his balls have dropped”.  No, really; he SAID that.  Now, if you can make it past Justin Bieber’s balls, here’s the HorrorScope:  (We, meanwhile, are wondering if there’s some way to go out trick-or-treating tonight dressed as Justin Bieber’s balls.)

Have faith in yourself — it’s all you need in order to get things done today. (See, sometimes people say “believe in yourself”, which is very difficult to do when One is imaginary… but this “have faith in yourself” business gives One all sorts of clever ideas.  We could found Our very own organized religion!  The Church of Starzinology!  And then, We could stop paying taxes!  And buy Our very Own Republican presidential candidate!  Think of the fun We could have!)

Your energy is just right for making big leaps (Really?  Not so much.)

and getting others to do the same. (There are, naturally, any number of people We’d like to tell to take a flying leap.)

You can do this, no matter how it seems.  (Impossible!  For a plain yellow pumpkin to become…oh, sorry.  You were probably trying to forget today’s second Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Justin Bieber’s Balls.  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

The faster you try to go today, the less ground you’ll be able to cover.  (In keeping with Friday’s Pennsylvania Dutch lesson (see what you miss when you skip a day?), the preceding sentence is actually a much succincter (rhymes with sphincter) Pennsylvania Dutch adage, to wit: “The hurrier you go, the behinder you get.”  Of course, if some of Us get any behinder, We won’t fit out Our front door.)

The stars are urging you to enjoy where you are in life, (That’s certainly what Justin Timberlake said when he was here.  Well, after he stopped laughing about Justin Bieber’s balls.)

and not to be too focused on the future. (Actually, I’m pretty sure he said not to be too fucked up on the futon.)

So right now you need to slow down. (Also, turn your head and cough, Justin Bieber.)

Just relax already!  (This space reserved for a “Justin Bieber prostate exam” joke.)

Spend some time today enjoying the material rewards of your hard work. (‘Cause We?  Are living in the material world, and We are a material girl.  However, there are precious few “material rewards” for Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope.   It’s a labour of love, people.  Especially since YouBitches won’t pass it along and help Us go viral.  (We know.  But, on the plus side, at least We had the decorum to put “labour of love” and “YouBitches” in two separate sentences.  (On the plus siZe, We are growing behinder by the second.)))

Take your car for a pleasure drive, for instance, or plug in your headphones and listen to a new album.  (Or juggle Justin Bieber’s balls.  (Hey, that’s every bit as likely as the other two.))

Sooner or later, you’re destined to find the best approach in seducing someone special. (Oh, great.  After all this time, We’re finally gonna have sex, and it’s gonna be with a ‘tard.)

But for now, practice your basic flirting skills. (Because Our basic farting skills? Are already honed to a fine point.)

Smile and let your charm do all the work.  (Wait a minute…We have charm?  It can do work?  Let’s send that mofo out to get a damn JAWB, already!)

(Halloween being half over already, We shall be spending the rest of the day writing a Christmas carol about Justin Bieber’s balls.)


 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Sunday, October 30, 2011

They do the monster mash




Hello, Ducks!


Just dropping by (on a Sunday, no less) to share the Halloween edition of Starzina's Time Of The Month Horoscope...ENJOY!


Here is the link to share with your friends (you DO have friends, don't you?):


http://youtu.be/yzWPpMcE_go


 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Bermuda, Bahama, come on Dalai Lama


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Yesterday’s Tomorrow, October 28, 2011. We just dropped in (to see what condition your condition was in…yeah-yeah-oh, yeah…what condition your condition was in…(Oh, is that song stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)) to let you know that absolutely nothing has improved since yesterday, and several things have gotten worse.  Don’t you feel better by comparison now?  You’re welcome.

And now, for the cunning linguists in the house, a little lesson in speaking in tongues.  Today’s tongue:  Pennsylvania Dutch.   (Which remindz Us (clearly, We are speaking Pennsylvania Dutch already, as We have typed “reminds” with a Z (not “Lisa” with an S, ‘cause Lisa with an S goes SSS not ZZZ (if any one of Our str8 boi readers got that joke, We owe you a bl0wjob.)):  We were at the farmers’ market on Wednesday, and the gay Amish boy wasn’t there.  Every time We think We have it rough, We imagine this poor boy being gay AND Amish.  Talk about a hard row to hoe.  (You can take that last bit any way you like.)

But We digress (you’re shocked, We know).  Today’s Pennsylvania Dutch lesson:  today’s weather?  Should be UpAssShovened.  Also, Our Google-O-Meter informs Us that We’ve had two readers so far this morning from the BAHAMAS.  Those two readers from the Bahamas?  Can MyCockSucken.

Here endeth the lesson.  Spanx™ beat your dog.

And now, the HorrorScope.  (What, you expected another gratuitous Charlene Tilton reference?  Why?  She doesn’t call, she doesn’t write…)

You’re meeting new people today (We certainly hope not.)


 — your social energy is drawing them closer.  (Our leprosies, let Us show them to you.)

It’s one of those days (Damn skippy.)

(What?  “Skippy” is not a word?!?  Apparently, choosy spellcheckers choose Jif™. (Actually, We just noticed that “Skippy” with a capital S is accepted by the spellchecker. (‘Cause Skippy with an S goes SSS not ZZZ. (Line up and assume the position, str8 bois.))))

when you can tell that you’re the right person to show that new cutie around town!  (How far “around town” do you imagine We’re gonna get in Our bathrobe?)

Today you might find yourself playing devil’s advocate a lot more than you usually do. (Actually, We plan to alternate between playing the devil’s aardvark and the devil’s aspidistra.)

(This space intentionally left blank, to give you all time to go Google “aspidistra” on Wikipedia.)

Conflict can sometimes be scary for you, but right now you’re eager to hear people defend their beliefs and to have them try to persuade you. (You lost Us at “eager”.)

You’re not afraid of confrontation — in fact, it will make you feel empowered.  (Oh, gawd, We hope not.)

It’s a great day for a debate or a conversation with someone who intimidates you.  (Yeah.  ‘Cause THAT sounds like a good time.)

Your lack of attention (Sorry…what did you say?)

 to those who need more than your usual head (Jigga WHAT?)

nodding (Oh.)

is beginning to look insensitive. (Tough fucking shit you retarded fat-assed wanker.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Today, check in with those closest to you for the latest updates on their own sagas.  (We don’t have to pretend to care, do We?  Because that?  Sounds like a lot of work.)






 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Thursday, October 27, 2011

You can feed her all day with the Vitamin A and the Bromo-Fizz™



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Today, October 27, 2011.  Oh, shut up.  To recap from yesterday, Our bathroom lighting fixture is now detached from the ceiling, hanging suspended by its wires at the perfect level to smash the medicine cabinet door and/or One’s head against it.  It continues to thwart all of Our efforts to open it and change its light bulbs, which would also be part of the process to reattach it to the ceiling.  We are now the proud owner of a thoroughly useless and yet extremely decorative fifteen-dollar adjustable wrench, which chortled wrenchily at Our efforts to tighten it around the light fixture’s nipple. (We will not be resurrecting yesterday’s extended tit metaphor.  Sorry, str8 bois. (We will also be letting “wrenchily” stand, despite Micro$oft Weird™’s admonitions to the contrary.))

It may interest you to know that, despite the inclusion of a wrench as one of the murder weapons in the board game Clue™, there has never in recorded history been a successful suicide with a wrench as the predominant instrument. And, since none of YouPeople appear to be willing to come over here and kill Us (and since We wouldn’t let you in if you DID come…despite having smashed all the mirrors (perhaps that wrench wasn’t COMPLETELY useless), We have some idea of what We must look like, and it isn’t pretty), We would seem to be, for the moment, safe from doing Ourself a mischief.

But ONLY because the hardware store where We obtained the wrench didn’t seem to sell handguns.

Meanwhile, for those of you who have been clenching Uranus waiting for a “monkey wrench” joke, We are here to tell you that We are way more sophisticated than that.  Hell, We know what a Phillllips Head ScrewDriver is, although We neither know nor care how many Ls Phillllip used in his name, and can only imagine what the poor man’s head looked like.  The correct technical term for Our particular wrench is “Didja-Know-That-‘Shiny’-Is-Not-A-Function Wrench”.

Additionally, We are pretty sure We did not mention in yesterday’s screed that We woke up with a sore throat, which later in the day developed into a full-blown head-and-chest cold, complete with gastrointestinal issues and a sore on one eyelid that We’re pretty sure is leprosy.

And now, having fulfilled Our raison d’être of making your lives seem better by comparison to Ours (parenthetically, suddenly We are hungry for a raisin scone.  Or a raison d’être scone.   Unfortunately, We are out of eggs, so, unless there’s a sudden random chicken invasion, We suspect that We shall remain raison d’être sconeless.  (Oh, “sconeless” is so too a word.  It’s the English translation of the Frawnch’s much more elegant “sans scone”.)) , here is a quick and totally arbitrary Charlene Tilton reference, followed by the HorrorScope:

Your aggressive tendencies are out in the open today, (Oh, please.  We could barely muster the energy to have a tendency, let alone an aggressive one.)

 and you need to do something about that.  (We’re pretty sure We won’t be “doing something” till Saturday or Sunday.)

Make sure you don’t unleash your fury on someone undeserving — things are still freaky between you.  (Okay, all these descriptions of activity?  Are making Us tired.)

 Isn’t it funny that sometimes the worst thing that can happen is to get exactly what you hoped for?  (How the hell would We know?)

Today a certain someone who has never given you the time of day will suddenly bathe you in all sorts of attention.  (That would be just Our luck…Johnny Depp lifts the restraining order, and We’ve got a runny nose and leprosy.)

While you may be flattered at first, (Are you sure you don’t mean “flattened”?)

 things could become a little bit uncomfortable between the two of you.  (Fluorescent green bodily secretions will tend to have that effect.)

Familiarity breeds contempt, and now that the mystery is gone, the reality might be rather disappointing. (Wow.  Way to bring down the room.  Asshat.)

Learn from this and keep moving.  (Yeah. ‘Cause what We need in life is one more Learning Experience.)

 Searching for hidden meanings between the lines of emails and in pregnant pauses during phone calls may be sound advice in detective novels, but in the real life these ‘clues’ only cause confusion.  (Oh, great.  So now We’re gonna be pregnant on top of everything else.  Does this wrench “adjust” into a coat hanger?)

Don’t assume the worst.  (Why?  We’re always right when We do.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Something bad is happening…


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  Wednesday Addams, October 26, 2011.  If you are not old enough to know who Wednesday Addams is, We are afraid We cannot help you.  We are not feeling especially helpful today.  We feel, if you must know the truth, like complaining.  Unfortunately, the major thing about which We wish to complain is something We are unable to share with you publicly. (Or pubicly, but that’s a whore of a different cholera.  (In other news, didja know that “pubicly” was actually a word?  Pubic-LEE…Pubic-LAH…PubicLice…Pubic-ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…))  Suffice it to say, something bad happened,  and then We thought something else bad had happened, but it turns out, something even worse had happened, and We’re not even allowed to complain about it.

How is that fair?

So, to get even, We’re going to complain about something else entirely.

But first, before We forget, Happy Hump Day.

Now back to complaining.  We are going to complain about being unable to change the light bulbs in Our bathroom.  (This will teach The Universe to prevent Us from complaining about the things We really want to complain about.)  Picture, if you will (or even if you won’t…it’s OUR complaint; what the fuck makes you think it’s all about you?), a big round tit.  At least a C-cup, possibly a D.  No sag whatsoever, with as much globularity above the nipple as below.  And, speaking of the nipple, a nipple of a tasteful size, proportionate to the tit without being grotesquely large its own self.

(Suddenly We perceive that Our str8 boi readers don’t really mind Us complaining this morning.)

Now picture said tit protruding from Our bathroom ceiling.  (Sorry, str8 bois).  The tit is the globe of the light fixture, and the nipple is the piece you have to unscrew to get the tit off and replace the light bulbs.  Except in Our particular case, the nipple will not budge.  That is to say, We can turn the tit, but not the nipple.  (There is definitely a song in there somewhere.)  We first discovered this last night, and wound up giving up, peeing in the dark (another song), and going to bed.  So far this morning, We have tried every improvised Hint From Hell, Louise that We can think of, but the nipple cannot be moved.

Surely one of Our Gentle Readers has a nipple-moving suggestion.  Please?

Speaking of tits, Charlene Tilton continues to Google herself (does that sound dirty?), and that episode of Erix Daily Horoscope with her pixture in it is getting twenty or thirty hits a day.  Perhaps she has a titty-twisting technique to share with Us.  Of course, according to Our Google-O-Meter, people are also arriving here by searching things such as “unexpected rowing team boner”, so what the hell do We know? (Actually, We know that if We ran across an unexpected rowing team boner, We wouldn’t so much care that Our bathroom light was out.)

And no, We are not making ANY of this up.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for:  Charlene Tilton’s Barbara Bel Geddes impersonation.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

You need to try something new — so make sure your energy is ready for the regeneration that’s coming.  (That sounds awfully complicated for somebody who can’t even change a light bulb.)

See if you can take some downtime to plot your next move. (We shall no doubt have eventually to break the tit, then go to the tit store to buy a new tit. (Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that We might want to change “break the tit” to “break the tie”.  Micro$oft Weird™ can suck Our tit.))

(We are pretty sure We’ve never been this caught up in titz in here before. Str8 bois with boners, as far as the eye can see.)

Things are looking up!  (Of COURSE they are!  There’s a giant tit in Our bathroom ceiling.)

It’s a topsy-turvy day as far as personalities are concerned. (Well, that certainly clears everything right up.  Fortunately, We have no personality.)

The people around you will be behaving in some unexpected ways  (Hey, they can do anything they want as long as they figger out how to change Our fucking light bulbs.)

— and you will, too. (Also, Good Will Hunting. Because most days can be at least marginally improved by picturing Matt Damon naked. We personally are currently improving Our day (marginally) by picturing Matt Damon naked, standing on Our toilet changing Our light bulb.)

 If someone who is usually introverted suddenly starts talking a mile a minute and trying to become the center of attention, play along. (On the other hand, if someone who is unusually perverted starts screwing light bulbs into Uranus, run like hell in the other direction.)

Be more submissive than you usually would be, (ExSQUEEZE Us?)

and let this person have what she or he is asking for. (Wait…We don’t even know what gender they are, and We’re gonna give ‘em whatever they want?  Not bloody likely, Ducks.)

It will be a valuable learning experience.  (Speaking of running in the other direction.)

Feeling uncomfortable about how to take your crush to the next level?   (Oddly enough , of all the things We had planned to worry about today, that wasn’t one.  Till now.  Thanks.  Bee-yotch.)

Instead of worrying over what you should or shouldn’t do, just go for it. (Oh, well then.  If you say so.)

Time’s a wasting! (Okay, “time’s a wasting”?  Just makes Us want to kick a puppy.)


 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Monday, October 24, 2011

You put your right ball in, you put your right ball out…


 Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  Moustache Montage, October 24, 2011.  Happy belated birthday to AJ, who turned twenty-four yesterday.  And happy birthday to John, who turns twenty-four today.  On the twenty-fourth.   What are the odds?  (Y’all are still trying to figger out what a moustache montage consists of, aren’t you?  Wankers.)


And now, without further ado or Yvette Mimieux, here is the HorrorScope:

Put aside any selfish thoughts (No.)

and give your all today — your energy is much better spent on others than it is on your own stuff. (Oh, please.  Who can afford stuff?)

It’s one of those days (Indeed.)

when you can rack up all kinds of good karma!  (Like a chameleon?)

(Who didn’t see THAT coming? (Sit DOWN, Helen Keller.))

 As uncomfortable as conflict can be, (It’s no match for sandpaper condoms.)

 it is not an inherently bad thing. (Who let Martha Stewart in here?)

 The waters that rush over stones are literally rubbing them the wrong way, but beauty is the result.  (Put it in a fucking haiku.)

These polished, smooth stones are something more than they could be without a powerful force affecting them.  (We said, “Put it in a haiku” because haikus are short.  Unlike this metaphor, which appears to be endless.)

You are like one of those stones today.  (Dear Lord Jeebus, make it stop.)

So when you feel someone pushing against your ideas, don’t discount that person.  (Throw stones at them?)

This conflict will polish and improve you.  (Polish THIS, Bee-Yotch.)

As hokey as it sounds, (The Hokey-Pokey really IS what it’s all about.)

a good poem can really help your wooing chances. (“Wooing chances”?  Seriously?)

Whether you decide to pen your own prose or recite a famous sonnet, your intended will be impressed with your love for language.  (Yeah.  Because writing this horoscope every day has kept “intendeds” lined up around the block.  Meanwhile, Our Google-O-Meter tells Us that this episode: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-could-have-spread-my-legs-and-eaten.html  of Erix Daily Horoscope is constantly getting an inordinate number of hits.  Which either means We’ve gotten stuck in the craw of some automatic WorldWideInterWebz crawler, or else Charlene Tilton is sitting at home Googling herself over and over.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.


Friday, October 21, 2011

Roll me in designer sheets, I’ll never get enough


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  Frito-Lay-Bets-You-Can’t-Eat-Just-One-And-Oddly-Enough-They’re-Not-Talking-About-Dicks, October 21, 2011.  So, happy Friday, kidz.  Funny how this week seemed so short, and yet last week seemed so long. (Farewell, auf wiedersehn, goodbye.) Not, of course, so much “funny: ha-ha” as “funny: nobody ever got BOTH hands up there before”.

As you can see, We’ve totally got nothing today.  In fact, We venture to say, We’ve got PLENTY of nothing, and nothing’s plenty for We.  But Happy Rapture Day, y’all.  Or should We say, Happy Rapture Re-run Day.  We were GOING to ascend directly into Heaven, but We couldn’t figure out what to pack.  Is it cold there this time of year?  Because that hardly seems like Heaven to Us.  We’re pretty sure We haven’t a THING to wear.  And don’t tell Us One doesn’t need clothes in Heaven.  Because looking at all y’all nekkid doesn’t sound like Heaven to Us, neither.  Judging from some of your faces, your birthday suits need pressing.

Oh, well.  Maybe that prune-faced old bible beat-off got his date wrong.  Again.  Ya think?  He’ll no doubt just reschedule.  And yet, the wingnut whackadoodles who want these lunatics to take over the gummint will continue to campaign.  Sigh.

It’s really just as well We won’t be having the Rapture today.  There are only so many Blondie jokes One can make.  (There are, on the other hand, any number of Dagwood jokes.  And don’t get Us started on Mister Dithers.)

That right there was a little bait-and-switch comedy.  You thought We were gonna do Debbie Harry jokes, and We went all Penny Singleton on your asses.  That, of course, is because there ARE no Debbie Harry jokes.

(Our old folks readers are all like, “Who the fuck is Debbie Harry?”  Meanwhile, all of Our readers under the age of a hundred and two are all like, “Who the fuck is Penny Singleton?”  Because We?  Are an equal-opportunity “who-the-fuck-er”.)

(With a fuck-fuck here, and a fuck-fuck there, here a fuck, there a fuck, everywhere a fuck-fuck… Who-The-Fuck-er had a farm, EE-YI-EE-YI-OH.)

(Nothing like a little sing-along first thing in the morning, is there?)

In other other news, Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Libra is winding into its final days; you can either click to watch it here:

 


 or share this link with your friends with Libra birthdays:


Soon, We will be entering Scorpio.  (Scorpio loves when We do that.  Especially with no warning.)  But first, the HorrorScope:

Today should feel like an adventure (Sometimes you feel like Our nuts; sometimes you don’t.)

— and you are the hero, of course!  (We?  Are the heroine.  But not, unfortunately, the heroin.  Because clearly, We are an easy habit to kick. (In Our universe, the phrase “kick the habit” was coined because who doesn’t hate nuns?))

It’s a great time to say hello to a new love interest or to shift gears and start off in an entirely new direction.  (We would shift gears, but We cannot drive a stick.  And this?  Is a dirty, dirty analogy.  Slut.)

You’re going to be very quick on your feet today, (Also light in Our loafers.)

which means your reaction time will be fast — but will it be too fast?  (That depends…how many habits do We have to kick?)

Think out every move you make, carefully and methodically. (These things must be done delicately.)

(We are now pixturing Margaret Hamilton on a Woolite™ commercial.)

(Are We going too fast for you?)

 Like a championship chess player, you should anticipate other people’s moves and stay several steps ahead.  (The way things are going these days, We’d be lucky to be a championship Candyland™ player.)

This isn’t a competitive thing; (It’s a black thang; you wouldn’t understand, yo.)

 it’s a time-saving thing. (Will Our time earn interest?  Because, so far, it’s not very interesting.)

You don’t want to do something that you’ll just end up having to do again a few days from now, do you?  (That depends.  Are We talking “re-grout the bathroom” or “sex with Johnny Depp”?)

 Today be gracious towards friends who want to set you up on a date. (Shut the front door!  Who are these “friends”, and why do they never call to set up these dates?)

 Even though blind dates can be nerve-wracking, (Especially when they try to light your cigarettes for you.)

(Wait for it…THERE ya go!)

you never know when you might meet your next big romance by chance. (Wearing pants in France with Vivian Vance.)

Your pals know you best, so let them have a chance to prove their Cupid capabilities. (Oh, dear.  Not Cupid stunts, AGAIN…)


 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.