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Friday, July 30, 2010

There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, Fernando




Greetings, Escherichia Renamed Initially Coli---

Here is your horoscope for Friday, July 30, 2010 (Happy birthday in advance to Randy, who turns twenty-four this weekend.  He is, no doubt, not actually READING this (is anyone?), but what the h3ll?  You only turn twenty-four once.  A year.):

(You will be pleased to see that We are no longer shilling for Our show, as it is over.  It was very well-received, and moderately successful, despite your nonattendance.  We were also very pleased to be informed by the Chancellor of the Exchequer that We are owed funds from the preceding show, as well as from this one.)

(Here is a little music video to brighten your day.  (We have also given up on showing you Our video.  Eventually, We will just crawl under Our bed and die.)  It is safe for work, unless you work for an oil company.  Or the Republiklans.)


(In other news, We had One Of Those Dreams last night.  We were preparing for a dinner party, which We had for some reason called to commence at 5:00PM.  It was now five minutes till 5:00PM, and not a single thing was cooked. The house, which was not Our Own Personal HouseWhereWeLive but some drafty monstrosity with mismatched thrift store furniture, was not clean, and, at the last minute (it was five minutes till 5:00PM for a really long time in this dream), We discovered that We had to shovel two feet of snow out of Our driveway so Our guests could park for the dinner We hadn’t cooked them.  Despite all this cr@p, We managed to sleep in until ten.  Yay, Us.)

 (Our Our-O-Scope:)

You can safely act on your first impulse now in any and all circumstances. (Oh, thank CHR1ST!  Bend over.)

You've been bestowed with wisdom, well-deserved confidence and uncannily good timing. (None of which, oddly enough, seems to be paying Our mortgage.)

Needless to say, (And yet, how much ya wanna bet she’s gonna say it anyway?)
the fans will be quite impressed. (Mmm-hmm.  They’d have to SHOW UP first.)

Don't leave home without a stack of business cards.  (Indeed.  Because ya just never know when a game of Fifty-Two Pick Up is gonna break out.)

There's something in the air, and it smells awfully sweet. (We queefed.  Summer’s Eve™ Mango Papaya Tropical Trauma.  You’re welcome.)

Before you decide you've found the one, however, at least lock in a second date.  (We are one step ahead of you.  He’s been locked in the basement for months.  (Oh, wait…were We supposed to FEED him?))

You can feel it coming and your companions can, too (Now that’s just dirty.)
-- which might be the reason behind those raised eyebrows you've been seeing so much of lately. (Yes indeedy-doo…smear some of that on your eyebrows and it’ll raise ‘em right up and stick ‘em like that. Better than Botox™, it is.)

Batten down the hatches!  (That there is a nautical term of some sort.  We’re pretty sure it means “everybody pick their two favorite sailors and oil them up”, but We’re not a hundred percent positive.)

(Meanwhile, We’ve come all this way and not mentioned a celebrity to put in Our label field.  ZaSu Pitts.)

(Your Euro-O-Scopes:
cowgrass…you’re soaking in it.  B1tch.)

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I’m only a man in a funny red sheet




Greetings, Enid Redid Indigo Candids---

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, July 29, 2010:

(You have ONE LAST CHANCE to see Christmas In July: Another Surprise Birthday Party for Jesus tonight  at 8PM at L’Etage.  Also, if you show up at the door (which opens at 7:30) and mention Erix Daily Horoscope, you can see the show for just TEN DOLLARS!  Also also, it is conceivable that We will have a drink with you afterwards.  Does it GET any better than that?  Yes, People, We have that power!)

(In other news, here is the ever-popular Jesus and His YouTube video:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqkG2v1xZyQ  Since We apparently can’t convince you to share Our video with your friends, We shall refrain from humiliating Ourself by attempting to put said video on funnyordie.com.  Which was one of the points in making it in the first place.  Sigh. )

(Other than that, We got nothin’.)

 (Our Our-O-Scope:)

You may feel cut off from others, (Or We may feel LIKE cutting off others.  One of those.)

both personally and professionally, (To say nothing of pusillanimously.  (No, really.  Say NOTHING.))

but it's really all in your mind. (Well, We had to put it SOMEWHERE.  And fortunately, Our mind was empty at the time.)

Truth is, (Stranger than friction, Farley Granger’s diction, and a Power Rangers addiction.)

(What?)

(Meanwhile, Micro$oft Weird™ desperately wants Us to change “friction” to “fiction”.  HOW DOES IT FEEL TO WANT?)

you can make greater strides in both departments if you're brave enough to face whomever you have issues with and find a way to deal with them.  (Kelli, your sentence, she no parses properly.)

Ready to pose the question? (What question?  (Oh, wait…was that the question? (Or was that?  (Erix Daily Horoscope…proud inventor of the perpetual motion machine.))))

Okay -- but they might not be ready to deliver the answer. (Which comes as no surprise, considering We have yet to figger out what the fu(k the question is.)

Superman has nothing on you -- not right now. (Punctuation is fascinating, no? For instance, if We move the period in the preceding sentence to an earlier position, We create the much more interesting sentence, “Superman has nothing on.”  Party with THAT thought, you Power-Rangers-addicted superhero fetishists.)

Still, (Be still, Our heart.)

your x-ray vision (Jigga WUT?)

and ability to leap tall buildings (Honey, if We can see through Johnny Depp’s clothes, We don’t give a sh1t ‘bout jumpin’ over no buildings, ‘kay?)

may need to be tested (We told you to give him two test tickles.)

before you take the show on the road. (Oh, great.  Something else We have clearly failed at.  Of course, if We can’t get three people to look at a YouTube video, what would make Us think We could take Our show on the road?)

You just can't seem to get ahead, (Or any head at all, for that matter.)

and all your best-laid (Ditto the laid.)

plans aren't working. (And neither are We. (Heh.  See what We did there?))

You need an attitude adjustment. (Go fu(k yourself.)

Call a friend, and download. (Is that some sort of a euphemism?)

 (Your Euro-O-Scopes:
cowgrass…because you’re worthless)

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I saw the sign and it opened up my mind




Greetings, Every Reverie Inevitably Collapses---

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, July 28, 2010 (Happy Hump Day to all you humping humpers who hump. (Micro$oft Weird™ would have Us believe that “humpers” is not a word.  Clearly, Micro$oft Weird™ has never met Our friends.)):

(We have some VERY IMPORTANT NEWS about tickets for Christmas In July: Another Surprise Birthday Party for Jesus this Wednesday or Thursday, July 28th or 29th at 8PM at L’Etage.  If you show up at the door (which opens at 7:30) and mention Erix Daily Horoscope, you can see the show for just TEN DOLLARS!  Also, it is conceivable that We will have a drink with you afterwards.  Does it GET any better than that?  Yes, People, We have that power!)
(In other news, here is Jesus and His YouTube video.  It occurs to Us that perhaps We should share the URL rather than embedding it, thus making it easier for you to share with your friends: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqkG2v1xZyQ  We would like to put Jesus on funnyordie.com, but We clearly don’t have the necessary support.  Sigh. )

 (Our Our-O-Scope:)

Though you may often prefer to tackle (“Tackle”?)

your own plans and projects first, today brings a chance to earn some serious karma by helping a friend or coworker before all else. (The way that they help Us, ya mean?  Yeah.  Hold your breath and wait for that one.)

(In other news, yesterday was a very good day. For several reasons.  One of which being, We are FINALLY scheduled to do Our voiceover demo.  Mind you, this is only four months after it should have been done in the first place, but still.  Just THINK of all the work We can be rejected for now!)

Go for it!  (Be fruitbats in multiplexes!  (Hey, it says that in the bible.  Which, if you listen closely to your religious wingnuts, was written directly by Gawd.  Why anybody else ever bothered writing a book thereafter is beyond Us, because, hello?  Gawd wrote a book.  Welcome to number one on the bestseller list for, like, EVER.  Fortunately, your religious wingnuts generally can’t read particularly well, not believing much in edumacation as they do, so other books are pretty much left for the rest of Us.))

When you’re in this kind of mood (Pissy?)

— totally in tune with others (Mmm-hmm.  Piss on ‘em.)

— there’s tons of people (Hey, We Our Own Self Personally are tons of people!  Watch it with the fat jokes, @sshat!)

who may try to take advantage of you, (What’s that old saying?  Oh, yeah…”You can’t rape the willing.”)
weird as that may seem. (Didja ever notice how, when EVERYTHING is weird, nothing seems weird anymore?  No?  Okay, maybe it’s just Us. Fu(kin’ weirdoes.)

You need to remember who’s in charge (Large Marge. DUH.)

and refuse to let it happen. (Mm-hmm.  THERE’S a whole lotta huffin’ and puffin’, all for naught.)

Ask all the questions you want — don’t be afraid of offending anyone! (Is that your real hair?  Do you always smell like that? Are you pregnant or just really fat?)

They’re not worried about offending you, after all. (Sing it, Sistah!)

It’s best for you to hang back a bit. (How ‘bout We bang hacks, instead?)

No one wants you to indulge in mind games, (And here We were, all ready to choose teams for a telepathic Parcheesi tournament.)

but you don’t have to lay your plans bare, either. (Oh, if there’s laying involved, it’s so much better to be bare.  Even WE remember THAT, and We haven’t been laid since Our boys were in Korea, and Ike was in Mamie.)

Keep your own counsel for now, and watch out for subtle signs. (Oh, yes.  We are All.  About.  The SuBtlety.)

(Your Euro-O-Scopes:
cowgrass)

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I could have spread my legs and eaten scrambled eggs



(What?  It’s a pixture of Charlene Tilton.  Since when do We have to explain Ourselves?)

Greetings, Early Renaissance Inspired Chiaroscuro---

Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, July 27, 2010 (We have absolutely nothing to report.  We have put away the laundry that We did last night, and, as We type this, We are also half-assedly emptying the dishwasher.  (“Half-assedly” being, of course, a figger of speech (with a jigger of bleach chaser); how One would actually use half of One’s @ss to empty a dishwasher is quite beyond Us.  (Half of Our Own Personal @ss wouldn’t even FIT in the dishwasher at this point, it being approximately the size of Uranus.))) :

(See how We do for YouPeople?  Not a single ray of hope on Our horizon, and yet We still muster a Uranus joke for all y’all. )

(Meanwhile, back in the day, We actually had to DO the dishes; now, We just have to put them away once a machine has done them.  And yet, We still find the whole thing an extremely tedious chore…Christian Dior, Zsa Zsa Gabor…what the h3ll were We talking about?)

(Do not forget to get your tickets for Christmas In July: Another Surprise Birthday Party for Jesus  this Wednesday or Thursday, July 28th or 29th at 8PM at L’Etage http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/117814 .  )

(Jesus continues to be a big hit, as does His YouTube video.  It occurs to Us that perhaps We should share the URL rather than embedding it, thus making it easier for you to share with your friends: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqkG2v1xZyQ )

 (Our  Our-O-Scope:)

Settle back in your favorite armchair, invite your favorite companions over and enjoy the best of what life inside these carbon-based units has to offer: the love and appreciation of familiar dear ones. (“Carbon-based units”?  Jigga WUT?)

You won't need any showy displays of attention (Well, that’s good.  Because We so poor, We cain’t even pay attention.)

-- and neither will they. (We know you are, but what are We?)

Ready to ditch your job, (Honey, Our jawb WAS a ditch.  If, by “ditch”, you mean “homeless leper’s @sscrack”.)

(Heh.  “Homeless leper’s @sscrack”.  Can We paint a word pixture, or what?)

(Thank you for saying, “Or what”.  It shows you’re paying attention.)

your home and the person you've been with for the past x number of years? (Ordinarily, when We interrupt One of Kelli’s wordy-liquid-f@rts-that-masquerade-as-sentences, We totally lose the thread.  We have not, however, lost this one (wonder of Wonder Breads™ and miracle of Miracle Whips™ (ooooh….he said “whips”!)).  And We think that Our Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) may actually have a point.  (Other than the one on the top of her head, next to the hole.)   Since, clearly, the major thing in Our life that isn’t working is Us, perhaps We should break up with Ourself.  We’ll get right on that, and let you know how it goes.)

(Apropos of nothing, can anyone thing of a reason why One could NOT freeze lemon zest for future use?)

Well, be sure before you do it. (NOW We’ve lost the thread.)

 This, too, may pass. (Gas may pass out your @ss.  Also, the rain in Spain stays mainly on Lorraine.  And the ants in France dance tangos in your pants. We would tell you about your Mom in Guam, and your Dad in Chad, but We suspect you’re not mature enough to handle it.)

(What?)

When the call comes down, don't worry. (Be happy.)

You're not being called into the principal's office to be suspended. (Just one more reason why We couldn’t go back to school for all the pee in China.)

Promoted, maybe, but not suspended. (We want to make a joke about suspenders, but We’re not feeling particularly funny any more.  Sigh.)

Got pinstripes? (What the fu(k does THAT mean?)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:
cowgrass…it does a body good)

Monday, July 26, 2010

I'm getting hungry… peel me a grape



Greetings, Extroverted Recluse Internalizes Conflict---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, July 26, 2010 (Happy Monday, WerqingPeople!  We, of course, werqed yesterday, and had a lovely time strutting and fretting Our hour upon the stage at the World Café Live.  The show was attended by many, many lovely people, although not very many of all y’all.  Which We can only imagine means that you are planning to celebrate Christmas In July this Wednesday or Thursday, July 28th or 29th at 8PM at L’Etage http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/117814 .  )

(Jesus continues to be a big hit, as does His YouTube video.  It occurs to Us that perhaps We should share the URL rather than embedding it, thus making it easier for you to share with your friends: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqkG2v1xZyQ )

 (In other news, We continue to attempt to wrestle Our wayward computer back into some semblance of its former self.  We had to reinstall all of Micro$oft Orifice™ in order to bring you Erix Daily Horoscope on Saturday, and this morning, We realized that We had to reinstall Our printer when it wouldn’t, you know, print.   We seem to recall werqing for a living being really aggravating and annoying, but having a paycheck attached, and We firmly believe that, if We are going to be this aggravated and annoyed, someone should be paying Us.  So get on that, wouldja?)

(Our  Our-O-Scope:)

Look up the word 'glib' in the dictionary, (Did you know that the word ‘gullible’ isn’t IN the dictionary?)

and don't be surprised to see your picture there. (Well, then, We’d better be getting a royalty check.  (How many of all y’all just got out your Funk & Wagnalls™ and looked up ‘gullible’?))

Yes, your verbal skills will definitely be the stuff that legends are made of. (Because We?  Are a cunning linguist.)

Now get busy making yourself a legend for other reasons. (“But Ossifer, We HAD to go on that killing spree!  Our Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) said so!”)

Stop worrying about being refused. (Honey, We never got fused in the first place, and before We knew it, We were CONfused.)

Walk bravely up to the object of your affections and just say it. (Speaking of confusion, that way lies madness.)

Regardless of what 'it' happens to be, there's just no refusing you. (Mmm-hmm.  And what alternate universe are We living in today, @sshat?)

It's not like you're being totally unreasonable. (Of course not. We never are.  Now peel Us a grape.)

It's that no one -- absolutely no one -- seems to be willing to see things your way. (Especially Helen Keller.  (WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!))

(Helen Keller jokes just never get old, do they?)

Now, why might that be? (Because people are stewpid?)

How good will you be? (Well, We dunno.  How ‘bout We go fu(k Ourselves and find out?)

Well, let's just say that once you're through, the competition will need some serious consolation after you're done with them. (Consolation prizes are Don Pardo’s jawb.  Homey doan’ play dat.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:
cowgrass…for that not-so-fresh feeling)

Saturday, July 24, 2010

I get mistaken now for Lainie Kazan.




Greetings, Enameller Renamed Inanimate Camel---

Here is your horoscope for Saturday (!), July 24, 2010 (Yes, latex and Geritol™, it’s A Very Special Saturday Episode of Erix Daily Horoscope (you know that We will never remember to continue to spell that as “Erix”.  Plus, how many words beginning with X could We ever fit into Our Greetings?).  Which, for any of you who have any familiarity with Our life whatsoever, clearly does not bode well. We just popped in to inform all y’all that yesterday afternoon, We were minding Our Own bidness, as We do, preparing to sally forth on Our daily errands, having just spoken telephonically with MizGerreGarrett, when We returned to Our computer to be greeted with The Blue (actually Black) Screen Of Death and the message “You  may already be a loser” spelled out in smoke and squirrel entrails across the monitor.  Long story short, eight hours, several conversations with various ethnic types, and a few hundred dollars later (yes, Our warranty had finally expired.  (Did We mention We have no jawb?)), We had reinstalled Windows and were confronted with a working computer completely foreign to Our own.):

(Did We mention that the majority of the eight hours was spent on the phone with a Filipino named Lemon? (So other than that, how did you enjoy the play, Mrs. Lincoln?))

(That is all We’ve got, short of reminding you that Christmas In July: Another Surprise Birthday Party For Jesus plays tomorrow (Sunday), July 25th at 7PM at World Café Live and on Wednesday and Thursday, July 28th and 29th at 8PM at L’Etage.  Tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3635 or here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/117814 .  If you haven’t gotten them already.  And you haven’t. We KNOW.  We see you when you’re sleeping, We know when you’re awake, We know you f@rt under the blanket then smell it, so buy tickets to Our show or We’ll tell everyone on SitOnMyFaceBook.)

(Meanwhile, Our video …lettuce show it to you)


)

(And now, an encore presentation of an Erix Daily Horoscope from July 23, 2009, from the dark ages before Bloggonia:

Greetings, Exception, Rule: Intertwined Correlation---

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, July 23 (Happy birthday to Gerry, who turns twenty-four today.):

 (In still other news, We mainly popped in here to check out YESTERDAY’S horoscope and see if Kelli made any prognostications about what an auspicious financial day it was going to be.  We started out Our day in a meeting with The Hottest Financial Advisor EVAH, talking about moving Our retirement funds out of the clutches of the stupid company chosen by the EAC.  Did We mention his big ol’ arm muscles bulging to escape his custom-made shirt?  We think he may have said a few things about money, too.  Then, We just squeaked in under the wire to correct a bank error which would have cost Us about two hundred dollars. (We *KNOW*!   Just like in Monopoly™.)  But, most excitingly of all, We FOUND twenty-six cents!  And not all in the same place, neither.  The penny?  Was lying right in front of OurHouseWhereWeLive.  And the two dimes and the nickel were all found independently of one another.  Why, if We’d kept on walking around, who KNOWS how much money We would have come home with?)

(In case you are one of those people who has difficulty discerning the theme of a literary passage, the theme of the preceding paragraph is that We?  Will bend over for a penny.  Try to tell as many people as you can.)

(Oh, and yesterday’s Kelli-scope?  Did not so much as MENTION money.  Quel surprise.)

(We would b1tch about all the people who are ignoring Us, but, as they Are ignoring Us successfully, We would be unable to ascertain whether Our b1tching was sufficiently annoying to them, and, really, what other point would there be?  But, hey:  way to kick Us when We’re down, people.)

(We say “Horror”, you say “Jose Ferrer”.  Because you’re fu(ked up in the head like that.)

Try to stretch yourself out in some new way today (Well!  Way to dive into the vat of vulgarity, Kel-Kel!)

-- you've got to get just a little bit fitter! (You say fitter, We say fatter.  (I ate a meatball off the floor right over there.))

Your personal energy is perfect for getting back in touch with your body, (Let me hear your body talk, your body talk.  My body says, “Fu(k you!”)

so go for it!  (Dikeys in Nikes!)

(Everything since “Jose Ferrer” has been an old Bette Midler joke.  How old a woman would you say I was?  (Hey…that’s another one!))

You're in the mood to work hard now -- really, really hard. (Once again behaving in a manner I had sworn to eschew (gesundheit (thank you)).)

As fiery as you are when you get an idea set in your mind, you definitely don't take kindly to anyone who gets between you and your goal. (ESPECIALLY when Our goal is the refrigerator.  Or, more to the point, becoming the SIZE of a refrigerator.)

Of course, your first impulse will be to enlist everyone who comes along. (If you think THAT’S Our first impulse, you really don’t know Us very well.)

But if that's not possible, then you can at least do the kind thing: Warn them that it might be a good idea to get out of your way. (It might be a good idea to get out of Our way.  (Hey, where’d everybody go?))

 Tune into your body with a yoga class, meditation or workout session. (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!)

It's been trying to tell you something, (Yeah…there’s something green and fuzzy in its crisper, and it needs to be defrosted.)

and ignoring it won't go well. (I’m sorry….what?)

(Heh.  See what I did there?)

You've gotta be healthy to be hot. (Also, cruel to be kind.  In the right measure.  It’s a very, very, very good sign.  Means that I love you.)

(YOUR-o-scopes.)



Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will realize soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodeling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a "spaz attack", which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!." Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours "The Federation Starship Intrepid." And always do that little two-finger wave and say "engage", when you start off, of course.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having "defined" the current decade.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, "The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose", told from the point of view of your cat, Erik.

cowgrass...enjoy being a woman


Friday, July 23, 2010

Papa Yahtzee




Greetings, Employment Recruiter Inseminates Candidate---


Here is your horoscope for Friday, July 23, 2010 (Happy birthday to Gerry, who turns twenty-four today. (Does Gerry even read this horoscope? We have no idea. If only We had minions to attend to such things. (Obviously, We jest. If We were (subjunctively) to obtain minions, We certainly wouldn’t have them spend their days dicking around on the WorldWideInterWebNetz.))):


(So much to tell all y’all, so little thyme. (That was a little spice joke, in case the Spice Girls are reading. Love, Old Spice. (We are, of course, aware that thyme is an herb (if only We could save it in a bottle), but We couldn’t think of anybody named Herb to make a joke about. (Of course, having said that, We were reminded of character actor Herb Edelman, who has probably not been mentioned anywhere for a decade. But does that stop Us? Oh, no, hell no, Hellman’s™ mayo.))))


(Somehow, We don’t feel that “oh, no, hell no, Hellman’s™ mayo” has the same catch-on-ability as “too bad, so sad, @nal s3x with your dad”. Because We? Have Our finger on the pulse.)


(Today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Salmon Mousse Couscous Herb Edelman is, of course, a tribute to where All The Cool Kidz will be either this Sunday or next week: Christmas In July: Another Surprise Birthday Party For Jesus : Sunday, July 25th at 7PM at World Café Live and on Wednesday and Thursday, July 28th and 29th at 8PM at L’Etage. Tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3635or here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/117814. If you haven’t gotten them already. And you haven’t. We KNOW. We see you when you’re sleeping, We know when you’re awake, We can’t really tell the difference, with all that drooling you do, so buy tickets to Our g0ddamn show.)


(Meanwhile, Our video…well, lettuce just say, We should call the World Health Organization. Because We? Have the most antiviral friends on the planet. They should put Our readers in charge of the AIDS epidemic…stop that sh1t in its tracks, y’all would. (Seriously…don’t none of all y’all know anybody who’s anybody to show this to?))





)


(In still other news, We had an audition yesterday morning (which would explain Our absence from Bloggonia (not that anybody asked)). Relax, it was a pity audition, thrown Our way by the guy who still hasn’t invented Our voiceover demo. ‘Tis pity it doesn’t come with a pity JAWB attached. Later in the day, We met up with TCBITWWW, who is on The Right Coast briefly, on business, and who is looking MAHvelous. There was some story of some new diet or beauty regimen or some such, but We were distracted by the fact that We were sitting in The Bar Formerly Known As Bump drinking club soda and pineapple juice, as We had a rehearsal to attend. The things We do for Art. (Even though We’ve never met the sunnuvabitch, and he won’t buy tickets to Our shows, or watch Our video.))


(Meanwhile, in the news, here’s this: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2889181/Toby-Elles-found-the-face-of-Jesus-burned-into-his-frying-pan.html.)


(Also, if you would like to gaze upon a video that is not of Us Our Own Selves, here’s this:





)


(Our Our-O-Scope)


You're quite powerful at the moment (Well, We haven’t showered yet.)


-- but not omnipotent. (That’s what the little blue pill is for.)


Keep that little ol' fact in mind before you decide to ax a certain someone who you're really only mildly peeved with. (Ax dem wut?)


Being on the planet alone would be lonely. (No, being on the planet alone would be an episode of The Twilight Zone starring Burgess Meredith. Which is the sort of name that people just aren’t named any more (unlike, say, Herb Edelman.) Also, there are no episodes of The Twilight Zone starring Twyla Tharp. Sorry…what were We talking about?)


Who could you gloat to? (Hmmm…We MAY have mixed up gloating and bloating.)


When the subject of 'baggage' inevitably comes up, don't look away. (We own exactly one bag. Of the suitcasal variety, that is. It is the kind that fits into the overhead luggage compartment on an airplane. Even though We never go anywhere. Sigh.)


You're guilty as charged. (And yet, We bet We couldn’t even get laid in prison.)


Explain that one good experience can erase it all, and you just might have a case. (We already done TOLE you about Our case. Meanwhile, We just read ahead through the rest of this drivel, and We refuse to dignify any of it with a response.)


Superman has nothing on you -- not right now. Still, your x-ray vision and ability to leap tall buildings may need to be tested before you take the show on the road. Much as they're impressed with your confidence -- okay, and that touch of arrogance you're wearing so well -- they will need to be convinced of your abilities. Ready?


(See? No, seriously…SEE?)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):


Your Birthday Today


After weeks spent trying to make meaningful human contact, you'll settle for rubbing up against random strangers on the subway this week.


Aries


Your life story will soon be adapted into a hit Broadway play, though a lot of the over-the-top singing and dancing will have to be cut out in order to fit the stage.


Taurus


What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do.


Gemini


The coming week will be influenced by forces outside your control, namely gravity, linear momentum, and high velocity friction.


Cancer


Balancing work and family is never easy, but with looming deadlines and daily staff meetings—well, it's just—what the hell do you expect from us, Margaret?


Leo


You will soon leave your body to science, though unfortunately for you, it's the type of science that studies the effects of being repeatedly set on fire.


Virgo


The stars indicate that it's important to take risks in life. Also, the stars indicate that by reading this horoscope you automatically absolve them of any liability should serious injury or death occur as a result of those risks.


Libra


Like the beetle that lays its eggs atop a mound of dung, so too will you hand in months of hard work to your supervisor this week.


Scorpio


Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.


Sagittarius


They say you have the grace of a dancer and the agility of a world-class gymnast. After that, though, it's usually just a bunch of mean-spirited laughter.


Capricorn


The strange men in lab coats, aggravated by your resistance, will turn the dial to 60 volts. They will then repeat their question for the last time.


Aquarius


Your lucky compound modifiers for this week are: long-term, hard-fought and military-history.


Pisces


Though a number of instructional tools already exist, physicists will recommend using your fat ass whenever the concept of inertia is taught in high school classrooms.










Cowgrass…and Ah hailped!)