Eric's Daily Horoscope: May 2011

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I’m bringin’ sexy back

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, May 31, 2011. Presumably, you all remembered to take Memorial Day off, as We heard nary a peep in response to Our Erix Daily Horoscope Holiday Edition. Of course, had We (subjunctively) heard a peep, We might possibly have become confused and thought that the holiday in question was Easter. And Gawd only knows what All those hidden eggs must smell like by now. (Probably much like they smelled when they were first hard-boiled: poop.)

But enough about holidays and poop. Most of you are no doubt back at your places of enjoyment, shoulders to the wheel, noses to the grindstone, nipples to the wind, and tits akimbo. And here We are, your breath of fresh hair, your queef of comic relief, making your lives seem ever so much better by comparison. And do We ask for anything in return? Well, quite frankly, yes. But it’s not like you’ll break a nail or anything.

In words of one syllable, (for the polysyllabically-challenged):

Go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBwdacfn2Vk

Watch film.

Click “LIKE”.

Send link to all your friends.

Is that too much to ask? Well, IS IT???

Additionally, please get your tickets NOW for The WaitStaff’s Real Housewives of South Philly at Helium Comedy Club at 8PM Wednesday, June 1th: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/471

Smokey the Bear is wearing pants. What’s up with that? And is it just Us, or does he look like Wilfred Brimley?

Clearly, a Wilfred Brimley reference means We must start the horoscope immMEEDjutly. (Also, that We must start Treating Our diabeetuss. Possibly with Rice Krispie™ treats.)

Communication is auspicious today, (Which is lovely, unless One has a lisp.)

and you may want to reach out to as many people as you can. (Wasn’t it AT&T whose advertising slogan used to be “reach out and fu(k someone”? How they got away with that in a country that freaked out over Janet Jackson’s nipple, We’ll never know. (The price of celebrity and fame is high, as Starzina knows only too well, but one wonders at the extra burden Miss Jackson (if you’re nasty) carries, having an iconic nipple and all. Does the iconic nipple get hard more often? Does the other nipple feel left out? As her boobies droop ever further knee-wards, will the knee on the iconic nipple’s side become iconic by association? Is Justin Timberlake, in general, iconic by association? And could somebody please name their next album Iconic by Association, because, now that We’ve thought it up, it’s entirely too brilliant to let go to waste.))

(These are the sorts of things We sit and ponder in Our desperate effort to improve the quality of your lives. You’re welcome.)

Technology can be a big help, (If it’s plugged in.)

so explore new means of getting the message to the masses. (Oh, dear. And here We were, bringing massage to the messes. Our bad.)

Someone is looking for an intriguing influence or inspiration, (The phrase, as recently coined, was “Iconic by Association”. Learn it, live it, love it.)

and given your stature within the group, (Was that a fat joke?)

you could fit the bill perfectly. (Who is this “Bill” of whom you speak?)

A surge of confident energy hits you (Ouch!)

either today or tomorrow, and it helps you realize how much influence you truly have. (Oh, trust Us, We know exACTly how much influence We have. We can hear the crickets chirping from here.)

Important people are paying attention to you right now, (That’s what happens when you poop in their shoes.)

(Heh. Didn’t see THAT one coming, didja?)

and you might not be noticing how many questions they’re suddenly asking. (Although We’re betting “why the hell did she poop in our shoes?” is right up there at the top of the list.)

There are plans in the works — and your name keeps popping up. (Our name pops out at parties. Because it’s unpoopular.)

Impressing people isn’t easy, (But depressing them is child’s play. And compressing them is fairly simple, too, as long as you have a trash compactor.)

but today you’ve got at least a few people hanging on your every word. (Well, you know what they say: No noose is good noose. (They don’t ACTUALLY say that. We just made it up. Funny, sure, but it’s no “Iconic by Association”.))

Your insights inspire those who need it, which makes you one hot property! (Great…just what people are looking for today, something to make them hotter.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Memories light the corners of my mind

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, May 30, 2011. Happy belated birthday to Deb, who turned twenty-four on Friday. And happy birthday to Josh, who turns twenty-four today. And happy Memorial Day to Our readers who remember stuff. Unlike Our Own Self, who has a mind like a steel sieve. We just popped in to see what condition Our condition was in, and to say “hello”, as We realized that We gave you short shrift last week. Although We would assume that a short shrift would be better than no shrift at all, if, of course We had any idea what the hell is a “shrift”.

Said less-lengthy-than-usual shrift (it occurs to Us that there was a boy in Our high school whose last name was Shrift. We have no recollection whatsoever about the lengthiness of his shrift, or the lack thereof) was due to a visit from The Sainted Mother, which began on Thursday. We spent some of her time here touring historical stuff. Of which there is, of course, an abundance in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. And that’s not even counting Us Our Own Self Personally. We are most definitely Historical Stuff, although We haven’t been toured in what seems like decades.

Once again, Our shrift appears to have shrunk. The next two weeks are going to be crazy-busy, with several deadlines whizzing at Us like whizzy things that whizz. Capped off with jury duty, because apparently We didn’t scream “Off with their heads!” loudly enough the LAST time We had jury duty. However, at some point in that two-week period, there will occur a Very Important Announcement, which will no doubt cause your shrifts to swell with excitement.

In the meantime, please get your tickets NOW for The WaitStaff’s Real Housewives of South Philly at Helium Comedy Club at 8PM Wednesday, June 1th: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/471

Also, PLEASE:

Watch Our video.

Like Our video.

Favorite Our video.

Share Our video with your friends. If you have any.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBwdacfn2Vk

Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)s of the world, unite!

Kick back (If they kick Us, We will assuredly kick them back.)

and enjoy the fruits of your labors today (To say nothing of Our Fruit-of-the-Looms™. Also, Jacqueline Bissett, the fruit of Our womb, Jeebus.)

(It’s a holiday; leave Us alone.)

— even if it feels as if you need to keep working. (Oh, please. Just trying to purchase the winning PowerBall™ ticket is a full-time jawb.)

It’s far better for you to let today move at its own pace, and take care to appreciate the small things. (Are you mocking Our shrift? Fu(king size queen.)

A big test of your patience will come in the form of a rather demanding person today. (Okay, We? Are an Aries. If Our patience has to take a test, it will fail. It did not study, the dog ate its homework, and it has ADD.)

But don’t worry (Sorry…what?)

(Heh. See what We did there?)

— the universe has loaded you up (Was that a fat joke? (Could the gargantuan size of Our ass possibly make up for Our short shrift?))

with an extra supply of tolerance, (Oh, great. So now We have to shoot up twice as much heroin.)

so you will be prepared for whatever comes your way. (Which will, naturally, be nothing. As usual.)

None of your feathers can get ruffled right now, (It is NOON, fercrissakes. That is FAR too early for a boa, unless you are Eva Gabor. And, last We checked, We were not Eva Gabor. (Although, come to think of it, We didn’t test for Zsa Zsa.)))

so it might be the perfect time (Yeah. Because “Our life” and “the perfect time” so frequently go together.)

to have that conversation you’ve been putting off with a relative. (We realize that We lost most of you back at “test for Zsa Zsa”. Because who could ever possibly imagine what a “test for Zsa Zsa” would be? Certainly not Us. And Our imagination, she is fertile. Though Our shrift is short.)

Your criticism shields are nearly impenetrable, so a long lecture is something you’ll be able to tolerate easily today. (Ya know what would be better, though? No lecture at all.)

Your unique perspective inspires those around you to be more creative in their everyday activities. (Of course it does. Just look at all those “So-and-So’s Daily Horoscopes” springing up, like upspringy things that spring up in the Spring..)

Use this ability to influence people to your best advantage. (Back in the day, We were a “Disturbing Influence”. We should probably get a T-shirt made.)

Spend time with someone you like so they can find a new way to be. (How does “at Our beck and call” strike you?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

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Thursday, May 26, 2011

Good morning, StarShine!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, May 26, 2011. Happy birthday to Dave, who turns twenty-four today. Unless, of course, One calculates in Base Eight, in which case he turns eleventy-umpty-pi. And happy birthday also to Frank, who also turns twenty-four today, and has the good sense to leave Base Eight alone.

It occurred to Us that it’s been a while since We threw Our str8 boi readers a bone. Hence today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Cher Charo Sade Coco Chanel. You’re welcome.

We have a kabillion things to do, and no time to do them, so We have really just popped in for an abbreviated horoscope (a HoSco, if you will. Or even if you won’t. Who says it’s got anything to do with YOU?) and to remind you to:

Watch Our video.

Like Our video.

Favorite Our video.

Share Our video with your friends. If you have any.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBwdacfn2Vk

Here is what passes for Our horoscope today. Perhaps one of you would care to comment. We? Would not:

You're all set to go all out -- to leave no stone unturned when it comes to getting The Project done, and done right. Just be sure you realize that one of anything won't do right now. Two, as it turns out, may also be tough to stick with. Stop squinting. It's not you, but it's not them, either. It's a 'failure to communicate,' and there's just no way to fix it now. Take a time-out on that conversation. What you want, you'll have -- no doubt about it. With this much power in your eager little hands, it might be best to choose your quest carefully. Overtime is definitely on the agenda, and lots of it. Cleaning up someone else's mess is never fun -- but the kudos will be nice. Oh, and the cash won't hurt, either.

Happy early weekend; see you on the flip side.

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

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Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Here’s a little story ‘bout a man named Jed

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, May 25, 2011. Happy Hump-A-Day Miss Jane Hathaway. (Now THERE’RE two things that don’t belong in the same sentence together. Of course, as an Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know, We had just perforce to look up Miss Nancy Kulp, who would, it turns out, were she (subjunctively) still alive, be ninety this year. She was, apparently, in her later life, an out lesbian. Quelle surprise. (Didja hear the one about the Polish lesbian? She liked men.))

Speaking of later in life, We are having difficulty assessing whether We are sick with a cold, or whether We have developed allergies this late in life. Is it possible to be allergic to menopause?

Apparently, some of Our Gentle Readers were disturbed by Monday’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Buddy Ebsen Irene Ryan Max Baer Donna Douglass (hark, a theme emerges). So, to soothe your nerves, We have chosen a much more tranquil image today. It is a still life entitled “Still Our Life”. Enjoy.

Speaking of enjoy, the deafening silence in response to Our latest autistic endeavor makes Us wonder if some of you out there have neglected to pay your YouTube bill. We realize that We are a brilliant and glamorous artiste who makes it all look effortless, but trust Us, there were efforts involved. Are said efforts so unworthy of comment? Did someone move your “Like” button? Has it occurred to no one that We have given you a gift that keeps on giving, which you could cheerfully slap onto the SitOnMyFaceBook pages of any of your friends who are having a birthday, whether We know them or not? Don’t MAKE Us shoot this kitten.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBwdacfn2Vk

So We were busy dreaming again last night. We had a very lovely dream, which We unfortunately don’t remember, because We woke up and went back to sleep and had a dream about going to an audition. A DANCE audition. For people in their 20s. We’re not entirely sure, but We may have been wearing a headband. In case you were wondering if it is possible to wake up embarrassed, it is.

We don’t recall who sent Us to the audition in the dream, but We were told that it was for dancers in their 20s after arriving there by two actors whom We only know in Our dreams. (By “whom We only know in Our dreams”, We don’t mean like, say, Johnny Depp, whom We don’t know in real life, but might (ahem) have dream about, but rather two actors who, to the best of Our knowledge, do not actually exist in real life, but have been recurring characters in Our dreams for some time now.)

Does this happen to you, too, or are We just out of what’s left of what used to pass for something resembling Our mind? For example, there is a wonderful restaurant that We’ve only ever been to in Our dreams, and often We try to take people there (in Our dreams) but We can’t always find it. Not because We’re geographically challenged, but because you have to go through several other restaurants to get there.

Oh, dear. We can see you edging for the door and surreptitiously dialing the authorities. Let’s change the subject, shall We?

James van der Beek has a really large head, no?

How about a horoscope?

Messages aren’t always clear, (Massages, alternatively, are often queer.)

and on a day like today, (On a clear day, you can’t see the weather…)

(Kiss Us quick, We’re Barbra Streisand.)

it might feel as if you’re in a foreign film without subtitles. (Or a domestic film without subtleties.)

(See what We did there?)

Just smile and nod and press on (Smile and Nod and Press On Your Nails…that’s the title of Our memoirs. No word yet on the subtitles. But expect a complete lack of subtleties.)

— if anything is really important, you’ll hear about it later. (Later than everyone else, you mean. Sigh.)

People do not always practice what they preach, (They do invariably, however, cactus what they screech.)

(No. We’ve no idea. Move on.)

and it might seem as though someone has an ulterior motive when she or he makes a huge effort to help others today. (God humps those who hump themselves.)

(What does that even MEAN?)

This person’s enthusiasm might not make any sense to you right now, (Enthusiasm in general doesn’t make any sense to Us right now.)

but that doesn’t necessarily mean that anything fishy is going on. (Animals as Adjectives: crabby, catty, ducky, horsy, assy.)

Keep mum about your suspicions for now, and wait at least until the afternoon before sounding any alarm bells. (It IS the afternoon. PANIC!!!)

Being a tattletale isn’t really your style, anyway. (We shall report you to the authorities for saying that.)

Real issues need real answers. (Also, real ballrooms need real dancers. What’s your point?)

If you can’t motivate yourself to start up dating again, (Oh, please. We can’t motivate Ourself to put a spoon in the dishwasher.)

then it could be time to consider seeing a professional (A dating professional? Wouldn’t that be…a prostitute?)

for a deeper look into your mental state. (Nebraska.)

You could find that the solution is simpler than you think. (Yeah. ‘Cause THAT happens.)

(Watch video. Like. Favorite. Share with friends.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

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Monday, May 23, 2011

Everybody go surfin’, surfin’ USA

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, May 23, 2011. Happy birthday to Richard, who turns twenty-four today. The Big Story On Action News around these parts has been, of course, the release of Our first-ever vlog, Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope, which, if you happen to have been living under a rock, can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBwdacfn2Vk Please don’t be shy about clicking the “Like” button, adding to your Favorites, leaving scintillating comments, and sharing with your friends. We Our Own Self Personally are leaving it in conjunction with birthday felicitations on the SitOnMyFaceBook pages of everyone having a birthday this month. Because We’re annoying like that.

In other news, here at Casa de CabbageRoses, We are sick. Or, as the kidz say, “We be illin’”. By “We”, of course, We mean “The Royal We”, as in “Us”, not “We plural”, which would include Himself. Himself is happily snoring away. We, on the other hand, are at Death’s door. Which is revolving. And has really big knockers.

Okay, We may be exaggerating a Wee Tad. (Who is this Tad, and does he get upset when everyone refers to him as “Wee”?) We think We may have turned the corner last night, when We woke up freezing in the middle of the night. We suspect this means that Our fever broke. We then had a very pleasant dream about flying to California. In an airplane.

How many of you are still trying to picture a revolving door with really big knockers?

So what are the chances those religious fruitcakes who mispredicted The Rapture will shut their stupid cakeholes and leave decent folks alone for a while? Maybe they could all get together and drink some lovely Jim Jones Kool Aid™. Jolly Olly Orange, Goofy Grape, Sweet Sweet Cyanide…

Here’ if you can stand it, is some news about the nutjobs: http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/20110523/ts_yblog_thelookout/doomsday-prophet-followers-flabbergasted-world-didnt-end

Lest you think We are a complete heathen, We have been contemplating, of late, building an ark. Noah’s Ark II: Back To The Beach. We are thinking a lot fewer animals and a lot more boys in Speedos™. Meanwhile, just another biblical story that makes no god-damned (heh) sense. Two of each kind of animal, you say? And none of them ate each other? And you just HAD to take along mosquitoes? And snakes? And scorpions? And where exactly were the dinosaurs at this particular juncture in creationist claptrap? Jeebus.

Meanwhile, if you have a hankering (and, if you have, We suggest you see your doctor) to see Himself make a fool of Himself in public, the WaitStaff will be performing Real Housewives of South Philly II: Back to the Beach on Wednesday, June 1th at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club. Their previous engagement there sold out, so you will want to obtain your tickets quickly, by going here: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/471 We are told that, in addition to the usual Real Housewives antics, something called “Beautiful Women’s Support Group” is well worth the price of admission.

Like sands through the hourglass, these are the scopes of Our whores:

You may be at your best when you’re on your own, (But who’s around to know?)

but right now, you need to team up or join a group. (Didn’t We already say “Beautiful Women’s Support Group”? To say nothing of Beautiful Women’s Support Hose?)

(Micro$oft Weird™ is totally down with the “Women’s” in “Beautiful Women’s Support Group”. However, it wants Us to change the “Women’s” in “Beautiful Women’s Support Hose” to “Women is”. Which could never, ever be correct. Excuse Us, please; this women is having her head explode.)

(“This women is having her head explode” did not get flagged for a single error. We give up.)

Your leadership is appreciated, and you should find that you’ve got what you need to really take off! (So the group We’re joining is a group of strippers? There’s a misguided plan if ever We’ve heard one.)

Has it ever occurred to you that even if you don’t achieve all your goals, you’re still better for trying? (No. Because then you’re a failure. If you didn’t try, you didn’t fail. Although you did, naturally, fail to try. But you didn’t fail to succeed.)

Compare yourself with people who admit defeat before they even get out of bed in the morning (What the hell are they being defeated at in bed? (The thrill of victory, and the agony of de smell of de feet.))

— you have a lot to be proud of. (Was that a fat joke?)

Your past efforts might not have taken you exactly where you wanted to be today, (“You post e-farts”…a revolutionary new way to comment on SitOnMyFaceBook. Now in Smell-O-Vision™.)

(Hey, YouPeople left Us unsupervised all weekend. Don’t blame Us for sniffing glue.)

but they took you in the right direction. (Lefty loosey, righty tighty whitey erection.)

(Sometimes you feel like a nut; sometimes you feel like a nutcracker.)

(We have no idea.)

When it comes to romance, you want everything to happen instantly (We were on Our way to a Premature Ejaculators meeting, but We came too early.)

(Ba-DUMP-bump.)

— but you don’t need that pressure! (Don’t tell Us what We need.)

Remind yourself that good things come to those who wait, so you can just slow down and enjoy the journey. (Whatevs. Go watch Our video. Like, favorite, comment, share.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

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Thursday, May 19, 2011

When the Moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligns with Uranus

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, May 20, 2011. First off, please try not to plotz from shock that this has arrived so early. We have exercised every little shred of patience We have, which is, admittedly, not much, in a desperate effort to keep this under wraps until the appointed day. But We just had to be sure it was out there in The Universe at the very stroke of 12:00:01AM as the appointed day arrived, so We are actually typing this at 10:40 on Thursday night. (Like you care.)

Firstly, We must thank a number of people without whom there would be nothing to thank a number of people for. (Yes, We ended a sentence with a preposition. We are giddily ungrammatical. Also, We feel pretty and witty and gay.) We would like to thank Patrick in Greater Bostonia, who first caused Us to put pen to paper as Starzina. We would like to thank MizGerreGarrett, who gave Starzina the name “Starzina”. (Lest We besmirch her reputation, MizGerreGarrett did NOT come up with “Starfish-Browne”; that was Our Own vulgar Self.) We would like to thank Bill P, who contributed to Ms. S-B’s haute couture. And We would like to thank the WaitStaff, who first unleashed Starzina on an unsuspecting public in their 2008 Fringe show.

(The Royal We + The Third Person = Looney Tunes.)

Most importantly, but still a part of “Firstly” despite appearing (deservedly) in his very own paragraph, We would like to thank Joe G, who realized the entire project so beautifully and who, inexplicably, never shot Us with a tranquilizer gun.

Seconal, We would like to express Our gratitude to you, Our Gentle Readers, for being Our Gentle Readers. Also, We would like to thank you in advance for spreading this project like manure on your back forty (what?). Got a friend with a Gemini birthday? Send ‘em this video. Got a friend with a non-Gemini birthday? Send ‘em this video. Know Johnny Depp or Prince Harry personally? Send ‘em this video.

Thirstily, We would like to reiterate Our Seconal point, and add that We are even more desperate than the proverbial two-bit whore. Which presumably makes Us a one-bit whore, although, two bits being a quarter, We’re not quite sure how the change-making aspect of it goes, but We’re a bright girl, and We’ll figger it out. This is going to be a monthly feature here at Erix Daily Horoscope, so if you’ve got a friend whose name you’d like mentioned in the next installment’s birthday wishes, let Us know. Likewise, any other feedback will be graciously appreciated, subject to the approval of Cecil B de Joe G.

To recap:

1. Thanks.

2. Send this video to everyone you know, and some people you don’t.

3. Then send it to some more people.

Ladies and genitals, the long-anticipated greatly-awaited partially-constipated:

Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscopes: Gemini 2011

(In case you have Technological Issues, here is the direct YouTube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBwdacfn2Vk )

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I'll be fine and dandy; Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, May 19, 2011. He’s making a list, and checking it twice; He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice…Jeebus Cripes is coming to town. He sees you when you’re sleeping, He knows who you’re sleeping with, He knows you like buttsecks with toys…

Ooops…sorry. We got all caught up for a second there in The Rapture Holiday Spirit. Caroling, as it (subjunctively) were. (Who is this “Carol” of whom you speak, and how did she become a verb? (It was Rapture Time, and everyone was feeling Merry, so she went home.)) We would wassail as well, but why?

Hmmm. It would appear that that’s one that takes a little while to sink in, so We’ll let you try it again, all on its own this time:

We would wassail as well, but why?

Heh. We kill Us.

Meanwhile, it occurs to Us that Carol Channing would make a rather excellent verb, as would, albeit to a lesser extent, Carol Burnett. These are the sorts of passing thoughts that pass through what passes for Our mind.

At any rate, this is the last time We’ll be able to discuss The Rapture before it actually doesn’t happen, as tomorrow’s Erix Daily Horoscope will be entirely dedicated to Our Grand Announcement. Meanwhile, We just this very morning learned that The Rapture is totally being caused by The Ho-Ma-Seck-Shools. Yes indeed, ladies and gerbils, the religious whackadoodle wingnuts would have Us believe that Gawd is gonna destroy the world because people are having The Buttsecks. (Well, actually, because people are having The Buttsecks with people of the same gender. Presumably, people of the opposite gender having The Buttsecks is just fine and dandy, like a hard-candy Rapture. (A little Dolly Parton always brightens up the day, no?)) Yes, you see, in their particularly screwy religious universe, Gawd CHANGED HIS PLANS, because the existence of Ho-Ma-Seck-Shools having The Buttsecks CAME AS A SURPRISE to Him. Is it just Us, or does their version of Gawd sound less and less like Gawd, and more and more like a constipated Southern Baptist minister with erectile dysfunction issues?

Of course, the most disappointing thing about this whole The Rapture business is the fact that, come Sunday, all those inbred idiots who thought they were going to ascend directly into Heaven on Saturday will still BE here, trying to run things. We wouldn’t let such nutcases organize Our spice cupboard, much less run Our country, but, as the existence of Our plethora of naked skimmers attests, nobody listens to Us.

Sigh.

Naturally, We are well aware of the burning question on all of your minds as you prepare to ascend directly into Heaven. (“Naturally”, that is, because We are psychic. Also psycho, but that doesn’t impact on the wisdom tooth that is this particular discussion.) That question being, of course, is there Erix Daily Horoscope in Heaven? And the answer is, of course there is. Gawd doesn’t need to read it, naturally, since He already knows what’s on what’s left of Our mind, but the Virgin Mary is a big fan, and frequently prints out excerpts and posts them on her refrigerator.

And now, unless you actually want Us to delve further into the concept of the Virgin Mary’s refrigerator, the HorrorScope:

Try to make the most of your contacts today (What? They’re suddenly gonna give Us x-ray vision? (Those In The Know will want to go back and read that a la “you want I should do a bubble dance?”))

— you can make great progress if you try! (Nice werq if you can get it, and you can get it if you try. (Our life is really just one big musical comedy. Kind of like Glee, except with old people.))

It may be that someone you’d never suspect has a job prospect or something even bigger in mind for you. (There’s gotta be something better than this, there’s gotta be something better to do…)

(Can We sustain this “every response is a song lyric” gimmick We seem to have started? (Can the naked skimmers play Name That Tune by farting on a kazoo? (Now THERE’S a reality television show We’d tune into. Move over, American Idol.)))

If it feels as though the time to tackle a tough task has finally come, (That makes Us want to say “tickle a taffy tusk”. Which is not, of course, a song lyric. So sit on Our happy face.)

today is the day to gear up for it. (No day but today.)

(Not only, you will notice, is every response a song lyric, but the songs are all from musicals. And, with the exception of “Nice Work If You Can Get It”, which is from a movie musical (We just looked it up), all from Broadway musicals. There is, apparently, a Ho-Ma-Seck-Shool in da house.)

It looks bigger than it really is, (Hmm. We’re pretty sure We don’t know a Broadway musical song about penis size.)

probably because you’ve been putting it off for so long. (Farewell, auf wiedersehn goodbye.)

Use the courage you’ve been mustering up to make a plan and get more people on board. (For Our choo-choo honeymoon.)

If you need any type of assistance, the folks you need to be there will be there — with bells on. (And all We can say is, if We were (subjunctively) a bell, We’d be ringing.)

You have a vision to follow — all the way into a new era in your life. (To life, to life, l’chaim!)

You are driven for success in all aspects of your life — including romance. (A fine romance, with no kisses.)

When you see today’s opportunity, don’t hesitate — you know exactly what to do to turn a flirty glance into something deeper. (No pain could be deeper, no life could be cheaper.)

(Oddly enough (for Us, anyway), not a Sondheim lyric in the bunch. Okay, kidz, We’re outtie. See ya on the flip side for Our big announcement!)

*****************************************************************************

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Eric's Daily Horoscope

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I’m bringin’ sexy back

Monday, May 30, 2011

Memories light the corners of my mind

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Good morning, StarShine!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Here’s a little story ‘bout a man named Jed

Monday, May 23, 2011

Everybody go surfin’, surfin’ USA

Thursday, May 19, 2011

When the Moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligns with Uranus

I'll be fine and dandy; Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas

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