Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirdThirstyThrowbackThursdayAtThurgoodMarhsall’sHouse,
October 31nd, 2013.
It being the third day in a row of Our having
no personal and/or SitOnMyFaceBook acquaintances’ birthdays to celebrate, We
shall just point out that, in addition to the horror of Halloween, both Willow
Smith and Vanilla Ice were born today. (Not, We hasten to Aunt Clarify, in the
same year.)
Our WorldWideInterWebNetz, meanwhile, are all
a-Twatter with the sentiment that, if Willow Smith were (subjunctively) to
strap on a little white penis and slather on some whiteface to go trick-or-treating
as Vanilla Ice, that would be perfectly fine, but if Vanilla Ice were to slap
on some Ben Nye™ Light Egyptian and whip his hair back and forf (does Vanilla
Ice still have hair?) to go trick-or-treating as Willow Smith, that would
somehow be racist. Which it may well be, but, if you intend to convince Us, you
will need to make a better argument than, “Well, it just is, because it IS.”
Of course, you are not reading this e-pisstle
to hear Us hold forf on weighty issues like racism. (You ARE reading this out loud, aren’t
you?) You are reading it to hear Us
imagine Willow Smith and Vanilla Ice going trick-or-treating as each other,
TOGETHER, and, more to the point, what Will and Jada will say when they find
out that a forty-six year old man has taken their thirteen year old daughter trick-or-treating.
In other completely random celebrity news, We
had a dream the other night in which The Sainted Mother and all of her sisters
(no idea where her brothers were) had gathered together because their mother
was in the hospital. All of her sisters, We should say, but one, and it was,
consequently, left up to Us to explain
the situation, over the phone, to The Sainted Mother’s absent sister…Carol
Burnett. Carol, naturally, had her own
point of view regarding the situation, which she seemed to think was entirely
Sally Struthers’s fault. (Well, Carol
called her “Gloria”, but We KNEW who she meant.)
Speaking of dreams, in the wake of all of Our
recent “Picturing People Naked” Weeks, We would like you all to know that, as
We move into a brand new month, We shan’t be picturing anybody naked for a while. No, indeed, We shan’t be Envisioning Allen’s
Tomahawk, or Tiptoeing Through The Tulips Of Kevin’s Manscaping, or Picturing…well,
We never DID actually SEE Peter naked, but a girl can dream, can’t she? There will be no more conjuring up images of
Lex’s eggroll, only to re-conjure them half an hour later when We are hungry
again, and no more imagining what tricks or treats are nestled like sugarplums
in OurThreeSons’ Jeggings™. (Is it warm in here, or is it just Us?)
We trust that none of these lovely gentlemen
will expire from the dearth of attention.
And We sincerely hope they will keep perusing these e-pisstles, despite
their absence from their pages. Perhaps they will even deign to explain how it
is that We didn’t receive so much as a single sext after almost of month of
this shameless behavior…
Changing gears, The Little Show That Could, LOOKING
FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , will
be returning for one night only on Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage. Get your tickets here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391 . Dammit.
Urban Dictionary wants Us to know that an
example of a “bad porno pun” is “You’ve Got Male Genitalia” as a play on “You’ve
Got Mail”. Thanks, Urban Dictionary.
Meanwhile, in the interests of holiday
spirit, here’s this:
and this:
And
here is the HorrorScope:
That
little pain in your foot (What about
that little pain in Our assz?)
or
digestive issue may start to flare up today — so pay careful attention and try
not to make it worse. It’s a good day to follow up with health care
professionals. (Wait…is this a horoscope,
or a rectal exam?)
The
people closest to you are starting to see you in a brand new light right now. (That’s because Our duodenum glows in the
dark.)
Maybe
it’s the changes you’ve been making in your life, maybe it’s the changes that
they’ve made in theirs. (Maybe Allen’s
tomahawk is helicoptering while Lex plays “Hide-the-Eggroll”.)
(Oooops…
We forgot Ourself.)
Either
way, this is a day when you will see little if any conflict happening. (Sez you.
Bitch.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
Everyone
is on your side, (Or Our back…one of those.)
and
they all agree with your ways of thinking. (Yeah. THAT could happen.)
All
of this wonderful collaboration means one thing — progress! (An example of how Our mind works: We are looking at the word “progress”. It causes Us to neologize the word “frogress”. Which is either some feminine form of “frog”
or a cross between a “frog” and an “ogress”.
Which then makes Us wonder why there even IS a feminine form of “ogre”,
because, really? If you’ve got an ogre
to deal with, do you really care if it’s a man or a woman? On the other hand, if it’s a frogress, you
MIGHT want to know about gender, because, if you kiss it, you might want to
know if you’re getting a prince or a princess.
As the majority of people would in fact, have a preference.)
(Prince Harry naked.)
(Vacation
timeshares in (what passes for) Our mind are now being booked through early
2014.)
You
could finish up everything today if you pull everyone together. (But there are seven of ‘em…well, EIGHT,
counting Prince Harry…and We’ve only got two hands.)
There’s
lots of silly little details to take care of today, (There certainly are…so We’d
best wrap this up.)
though
you’d rather focus on the larger, sweeter, more romantic side of life. (Oh,
great…keep talking like that, and We’ll NEVER stop picturing those people
naked.)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
