No matter how hopeless, no matter how far

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, May 31, 2012.  So solly to have missed Hump Day; We know you were all just waiting with bated breath to hump Our unhumpable Self.  (If you did NOT just sing “to hump Our unhumpable Self” to the tune of “The Impossible Dream”, We shall pause here while you go back and rectumfy your error.  (If you DID just sing “to hump Our unhumpable Self” to the tune of “The Impossible Dream”, you are very, very old.  And possibly insane.))

We interrupt this stream-of-unconsciousness to inform you that We have just received an email whose subject line is “Hands-free fishing with Pole Pal”.   We were very excited, until We realized that it was not, in fact, a euphemism.  Sigh.  Clearly, OUR idea of a “Pole Pal” and theirs were two completely different animals.  (We meant a gay mail-order bride from Poland…why?  What did you think We meant?)

You may recall that, when last We spoke, We were on the verge of commencing construction of a bridge with which to get over Ourself.  In the intervening days, however, it has come to Our attention that We are, in fact, pretty fucking fabulous, so the rest of you will just have to get over Us.  And We’re not building you no bridge, neither.  So nanny-nanny-poo-poo.

(We mistyped “fucking” in that paragraph, and Micro$oft Weird™ didn’t autocorrect it.  How long have We been using this computer?)

In other news, some parent’s SitOnMyFaceBook status was just changed to inform Us that they will be dropping their child off at Lego Class.  Lego Class?  Seriously?  That’s a thing?

Speaking of classy things,  the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game again by popular demand on Thursday, June 7 and Friday, June 8, at 7:30 at L’Etage at 6^th & Bainbridge.  Did We mention that, the first time We played, a number of people came back for more than one performance?  Well, We did now.  Reservations are strongly suggested, and can be obtained here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950  Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/  Be there or be square.

Here’s  the HorrorScope:

So, wait…it’s Brooke Shields’s birthday, and We don’t have the day off?  The hell?

Accidents happen (That’s why We’re wearing Depends™.  Cleverly disguised as Underoos™.  Scooby-Doo, scoopy-poo.)

— and on days like today, they are practically guaranteed!  (But if an accident is guaranteed, isn’t it kind of on purpose?)

(We are having such a fascinating morning….every time We type a sentence, We go and take some more crap out of the dishwasher.  We can smell your jealousy from here.)

You can minimize the damage they do by acting with care and ensuring that nothing too valuable is at risk. (Doesn’t THAT sound exciting?)

There is a great satisfaction to be had in fulfilling mundane responsibilities with enthusiasm. (No.  No, there isn’t.  Trust Us.)

So the next time you’re facing an array of boring errands or tedious commitments, (When are We NOT facing such a thing?)

take a deep breath (Fuck that noise…take a pill.)

— and turn your annoyance into determination. (In other news, the dishwasher is now empty.  Much like Our life.)

Even if you’re just going to pick up your dry cleaning, for instance, (Oh, the places We’ll go!)

use correct change and give the person behind the counter your warmest smile. (This is ten of the most boring horoscopes ever.)

These tasks can be enjoyable if you let them.  (Go fuck yerself.)

You never shy away from conflict, but that doesn’t mean you should search for it. (Well, We’d better search for SOMETHING, because this sure as hell ain’t no horoscope.)

It’s best to pick your battles wisely today, especially when it comes to love. (Yeah.  Because, of all the things that are gonna happen to Us today, a “love battle” is definitely gonna be one of ‘em.)

(Except, ya know, NOT.)

Even if you’d like have the last word, (In the beginning, there was the word, and that word was “aardvark”.  We’re pretty sure the last word was “zymurgy”, or something like that.)

(What?)

sometimes it’s best to clam up.  (Actually, all the really cool kidz are learning to calamari up.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Like a bridge over troubled water

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToozDee, May 29, 2012.  Happy birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today.  We have no idea if he even knows of the e-xistence of these e-pisstles, but better chafed than snarly.

Several recent events have brought to Our attention the fact that We may need to begin building a bridge with which to get over Ourself.  However, prior to commencing said construction, We must just congratulate Ourself on this weekend’s e-pissodes, both of which We thought were e-xemplary.  If you were unable to e-njoy them in their e-ntirety the first time around, because you were, say, on a Haitian vacation, We suggest you go and peruse them now.  We’ll wait here.

(That e-hyphen thing really is a-nnoying, i-sn’t i-t?)

This morning’s coffee is displeasing to Us.

One wonders, if One is already building Oneself a bridge, if it would be that much more difficult to also build Oneself an attention span, because…oh, look, a sparkly balloon!

We clearly got nothin’.  Of course, every day can’t bring a buttocksian pimple or Ryan Gosling.  In a desperate e-ffort to spice up this morning’s proceedings, We just went looking for today’s E-rix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Leave The Driving To Us.  (It occurs to Us that it must be very jarring for Our Frawnch-speaking readers when We rhyme “Jus” with “Us”, making Us wonder if they read it as “Pixture Du Jour Au Juss Leave The Driving To Us” or as “Pixture Du Jour Au Zhoo Leave The Driving To Oooo”.)  #CrazyPeopleProblems

Yes, people, that was a hashtag.  We are leaping boldly into the new decade; deal with it.

What were We talking about?  Oh, today’s pixture.  It did not aid Us in Our e-fforts to be e-ntertaining.  However, We are clearly gonna need a bigger bridge.

Speaking of e-ntertaining,  the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game again by popular demand on Thursday, June 7 and Friday, June 8, at 7:30 at L’Etage at 6^th & Bainbridge.  Did We mention that, the first time We played, a number of people came back for more than one performance?  Well, We did now.  Reservations are strongly suggested, and can be obtained here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950  Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/  Be there or be square.

Meanwhile, here We are just recovering from Sicily Yoder’s birthday festivities, and now We have to celebrate Annette Bening’s birthday.  Will the whirlwind never stop?

Here’s  the HorrorScope:

Slow down and take all your tasks one at a time. (Oh, Honey.  We are fairly certain that the only thing slower than We are is death.)

You need to make sure that you’re able to manage all of your business before scampering off to start something new.  (Okay, even if you are A Gentle Reader who has never met Us, there is no universe in which you can possibly imagine that We “scamper”.)

Just chill out.  (Just fuck off.)

(If We seem distracted, it is because, ever since that first line about “slow”, We have been mentally singing the Petticoat Junction  theme song, specifically the part about “that Was Uncle Joe, he was movin’ kinda slow at the Junction”, and We realized that, while We have an entire brain cell devoted to Bea Benaderet, We haven’t got any idea who the hell the actor was who played Uncle Joe.  And, now that We’ve Googled him on Wikipedia and discovered that his name was Edgar Buchanan, We realize that We completely don’t care.)

(It is not easy being Us.)

(That bridge, she is going to need to be the Golden Gate.  Also, she must span The River Kwai.)

Just because some other people are huffing and puffing through the day doesn’t mean you have to join the crazy rat race!  (Well, DUH.  Who wants to race against crazy rats?)

Do not let their hysteria or anxiety force you to second-guess the way you’ve chosen to live your life.  (Wait…We get another guess?)

Right now, going at your own pace is more important than ever.  (Any less pace and We’d be going backwards.)

Take your time today, and linger wherever and whenever you want to linger. (Also, finger wherever and whenever you want to finger.  (See how, right away, Our way is more fun?))

(That bridge, she is going to need to be Gina Lollobrigida.)

There is no race to win — there is only a journey to enjoy.  (Oh, goody.  Kelli’s resorted to Chinese fortune cookies now.  Shouldn’t that sentence end “in bed”?)

Make an effort to be more positive. (That’ll never work.)

(Heh.  SWWDT?)

 It’s easy to sink into pessimistic thoughts, but in the long run you’ll be worse off than before.  (ExACTly.  (Seriously…see what she said?))

There’s always someone else who has it rougher. (Said the porn star wearing the sandpaper condom.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

If you could read Our mind, love, what a tale Our thoughts could tell.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Munty, Hunty, May 28, 2012.  Happy belated birthday to Deb, who turned twenty-four yesterday.  Happy Memorial Day to the rest of Our American readers, and happy Spring Bank Holiday to Our readers in Greater Brittania.

We trust you have all recovered from the grueling story of Our Buttock Pimple (which, for those of you who nakedly skimmed Saturday’s e-pissode, was e-ssentially the sequel to The Scarlet Pimpernel. (We have no idea what that means, but it suddenly occurred to Us, and We didn’t want to let it get away, in case it was accidentally funny or something.))

(It also just occurred to Us that We have no idea what is a pimpernel, scarlet or otherwise, so We went and Googled it on Wikipedia.  Wow.  How boring.  And people actually READ that book?  It must have been published during a particularly dreadful television season.)

For those of you who remain concerned about Our buttockian health, We would like to point out that the pimple issue (note to Self: adjectival form: pimplicious) had actually resolved itself prior to the publication of SayerDee’s e-pisstle, but, having composed virtually the entire thing in Our head before going back to sleep upon being awakened by said pimple, We saw no reason to waste Our e-fforts.

(Is this e-hyphen thing getting on people’s nerves?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

Speaking of things on One’s nerves, We had the misfortune to watch Drive yesterday.  If only We had (subjunctively) had a film crew on hand to make a time-release fillum of Our pimple bursting, We could clearly have won an Oscar™ compared to this crap.  And We are very sorry, but We completely fail to see the appeal of Ryan Gosling.  Now, before all you Ryan Gosling worshippers get your knickers in a twist (which can, you should be advised, cause pimplicious buttockian eruptions) , We are not saying he is completely unattractive.  He is every bit attractive enough to be, say, a sales associate at Macy’s.  (Just not in men’s wear.)  Or a door-to-door Mormon missionary.  (The sidekick one,  that they send to keep the really attractive one from having gay sex in every other house.)  Or a dyslexic Wheel of Fortune contestant.  (We have no idea why We just said that, but We couldn’t think of a third thing.)  But a movie star?  Not so much.

Speaking of starring in things,  the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game again by popular demand on Thursday, June 7 and Friday, June 8, at 7:30 at L’Etage at 6^th & Bainbridge.  Did We mention that, the first time We played, a number of people came back for more than one performance?  Well, We did now.  Reservations are strongly suggested, and can be obtained here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950  Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/  Be there or be square.

We just went looking up famous people having birthdays today, lest We deprive you of any essential information to share over your barbecued weenies later on.  We found a site that had thirteen famous folks with birthdays today listed, among them singers Gladys Knight and Kylie Minogue,  James Bond author Ian Fleming, sports legend Jim Thorpe, and former NooJork Mayor Rudy Giuliani.  And, right there amidst these other luminaries?  Editor of The Amish Garden News, Sicily Yoder.

So stick a candle in your shoofly pie, boyz and gurrlllzzz. (Is it just Us, or would “stick a candle in your shoofly pie” make a helluva euphemism?  (Also an Elton John song. (Although they’d’ve probably frowned on it at Princess Di’s funeral.)))

Gawd bless the WorldWideInterWebNetz.

Here’s  the HorrorScope:

You’re feeling the heat — whether it’s from a new romance, a new exercise regimen (Or menopause?)

or the sun of a tropical vacation. (Or that.  (Son of A Tropical Vacation was, of course, the sequel to A Tropical Vacation. Starring Ryan Gosling and Sicily Yoder.  It was followed by Son of A Tropical Vacation Two, Son of A Tropical Vacation Strikes Back, and Rocky Balboa.))

(Just like a paperback novel, the kind the drugstores sell….)

Whatever it is, soak it up and relish every moment — it’s times like this that make you feel alive!  (When, in reality, We’ve been dead since a week ago Tuesday.  And We’re starting to smell.)

A challenging — but somewhat amusing — situation (Is it just Us, or does that sound completely like a threat?)

will give you an opportunity to demonstrate your flexibility, (Maybe We’ll put TWO candles in Our shoofly pie!)

and you’ll make an especially good impression on someone who has had an eye on you for quite a while. (Maybe We’ll put SIXTEEN candles in Our shoofly pie!  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Molly Ringwald.))

The two of you are about to start a new type of relationship. (Don’t tell Us, lettuce guess:  not only platonic, but imaginary.  Also, he’s straight.  And a woman.  And a straight woman.  Who looks like Ryan Gosling.)

(Just like an old-time movie, ‘bout a ghost in a wishing well….)

This person is as strong as you are, and will be able to challenge you the way you need to be challenged. (Can the bitch put sixteen candles in his shoofly pie?  Because, if not, step way the fuck off!)

Don’t be afraid to let him or her bring out the best in you.  (We did mention that those candles were LIT, didn’t We?  (Also Roman?))

If you’re feeling edgy, don’t panic. (Easy for you to say, bee-yotch…you don’t have sixteen lit Roman candles in your shoofly pie!)

(Is it just Us, or is that sounding dirtier and dirtier?)

You’re not going crazy. (Of course We’re not going.  We’ve already been.  Wanna see Our T-shirt?)

It’s a great time to write about what’s going on inside. (Two sentences from the end, and NOW you’re gonna tell Us what to write about?)

Whether you’re sabotaging a relationship or missing an opportunity, (Jigga what?)

you should know the details of your psyche. (Yeah, We’re pretty sure We shouldn’t.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Here we are, face to face, a couple of silver spoons

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  SayerDee,  May 26, 2012.  Happy birthday to Dave who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Frank, who also turns twenty-four today.  We would not, of course, ordinarily be e-pisstlitizing in here on a SayerDee (or, if We were, We’d be intro-ing one of Our Very Special Video Retrospective E-pissodes), but something monumentally cataclysmic has transpired, and We felt compelled to come and Cher.

There is a pimple on Our buttock.

Not just ANY pimple, mind you.  (Not just ANY buttock, either…Our LEFT buttock.)  This is a pimple of such staggering proportions as to leave all other pretender-to-the-game-of-thrones pimples in the dust by comparison.  This pimple on Our left buttock is so monumentally ginormous that it could actually be an auxiliary buttock all its own.  Which would, it would seem, give Us three buttocks, causing Us, no doubt, to list to one side, and making Us, essentially, Fred MacMurray in My Three Buttocks,  with William Demarest as Uncle Charlie, and what was up with all those old TV shows where random men just lived together without a woman anywhere to be found, and how sad is it that We knew William Demarest’s name without having to look it up?

But back to Our pimple, which makes even the preceding paragraph look small by comparison.  If Our left buttock were (subjunctively) Mount Rushmore, this pimple would be Chester A. Arthur.  Who is not, of course, actually ON Mount Rushmore, but We’re fairly sure he was the really fat President, unless that was William Howard Taft, but We can’t be bothered to look it up.  (We did, however, just look up William Demarest, and We learned that, if he were (subjunctively) still alive, he would be a hundred and twenty years old.  THERE’S a brain cell We’ll never get back.)  Our point being that they would need the fattest President they could find to represent this pimple if Our left buttock were (subjunctively) Mount Rushmore.

All this talk of Our left buttock is, as you would assume, making Us think of the Daniel Day-Lewis fillum, My Left Foot, in which Mister Day-Lewis portrays some real-life character with a crippling disease so very crippling that he can only control his left foot, so he takes up painting.  Instead of, you know, something useful, like feeding himself, or wiping his ass, or having a wank.  This, of course, makes him famous, and his life gets made into a movie with Daniel Day-Lewis in it.  Daniel Day-Lewis wins an Oscar™, presumably to the sound of crippled painter guy’s one foot clapping.

Now, We are not suggesting that Our left buttock could hold a candle to Daniel Day-Lewis’s left foot.  (Actually, We’re fairly certain that Our left buttock couldn’t hold a candle at all, whereas Daniel Day-Lewis’s left foot no doubt could.  (It also strikes Us, just now, parenthetically, that Mister Day-Lewis’s character in that fillum must have been really bad at the Hokey-Pokey.))  We ARE, however, saying that, if you hold a canvas back there when this pimple finally pops, We will SHOW you a painting.

All together now:  eeeeuuuuwwwww!!!!!

Radically changing the subject, completely sans segue:

By popular demand, the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game again on Thursday, June 7 and Friday, June 8, at 7:30 at L’Etage at 6^th & Bainbridge.  Did We mention that, the first time We played, a number of people came back for more than one performance?  Well, We did now.  Reservations are strongly suggested, and can be obtained here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950  Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/  Be there or be square.

In still other other news, We have moved into Gemini.  Here is a fillum for you to resoundingly ignore:  http://youtu.be/YBwdacfn2Vk , much the way you resoundingly ignore these horoscopes, and Us Our Own Self Personally.

Meanwhile, all this pimple drama, AND it’s Helena Bonham Carter’s birthday? Who could ask for anything more?

Here’s  the HorrorScope:

Your sense of adventure is fully engaged (So they liked it, and they must’ve put a ring on it.)

(Because We’re attuned to pop culture like that.)

— so run with it! (We done tole you an’ tole you, We only run if someone is chasing Us with a knife.)

All that energy has to be good for something, (Well, We certainly can’t sit still, what with only one unencumbered buttock and all.)

so make sure that you’ve got plans that will take you to crazy new places.  (Speaking of crazy places, Mount Rushmore is in some Dakota, no?  North?  South?  Fanning?  And who thought up Mount Rushmore, anyway?  (We just Googled Mount Rushmore on Wikipedia.  It is both more and less interesting than you would imagine.))

Some people are simply more creative than others, (Aren’t We though?)

so don’t feel bad if you come up with the best ideas and input today. (Do they give out Pulitzers in Bloggonia?  Because anybody that nakedly skimmed today truly missed out.  We’re just sayin’.)

Be proud of the fact that you are contributing fresh suggestions and clever innovations that no one else could come up with!  (Well, no one else who doesn’t have a mountainous pimple on their left buttock.)

If you let peer pressure or your insecurities prevent you from expressing your ideas, (Have you met Us?)

you’ll be missing out on some acclaim that you richly deserve. (Never mind acclaim, where’s a damn dollar?)

Your creativity is a skill that can open doors, so use it!  (Why is a skillet not a small skill?  And where does skillset fit in?  Inquiring minds want to know.)

If you find yourself crying through a cereal commercial or laughing during ‘The Champ,’ you’re right on track. (WTF is ‘The Champ’?  (Hmmm…and here, We thought We had seen the entire Ricky Schroder oeuvre.  SO sorry to have given THAT a miss.))

Nothing, least of all your emotions, makes sense today. (Don’t HOLLER at Us!  We have a pimple on Our buttock!)

So if you’re heading to the movies, bring someone along who gets you.  (Okay, so who wants to go see the new Ricky Schroder fillum?  Oh, wait…)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.