Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s
Daily Horoscope for FridayFridayFriday, August 31, 2012. Thank you all for bearing with Us through Our
March Down Mammary Lane this week. We
have one more blast from the past today, then We shall return to Our regularly
scheduled programming. Today’s e-pissode
is the first installment where We took over the reins from HimSelf.
But first, here’s this: http://make-everything-ok.com/
'Cause tonight we're gonna party like it's 1929
Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here. I’ve hijacked
Eric’s Daily Horoscope for the first installment of the year as a harbinger, if
you will (or even if you won’t), of exciting changes to come. (For those of you
toddling off toward the liquor cupboard, “harbinger” is NOT short for “Harvey
Wallbanger”. (Although, as a Harvey Wallbanger does have orange juice in it, if
you’re going to drink at 10:30 in the morning, at least no one else will have
to know.))
Speaking of You Americans and your strange
expressions, I was surfing the Internets earlier and I found myself in a
quandary: is it “up AN Adam” or “up IN Adam”? (Not that I expect any response.
I mean, what can you do with an entire country full of people who don’t know
how to pronounce “Uranus”?)
I do realise that you are probably wondering
where Eric is, and whether I’ve done him a mischief. The poor dear is still
fast asleep, exhausted from the dizzying whirlwind of his glamorous holiday
social life. And, lest you fear that I intend to run garrulously on like Mrs.
Garrett (despite the fact that I do indeed know all the facts of life), I shall
now introduce an encore presentation of some Eric’s Daily Horoscopes from the
past (one of which happens to be All. About. MEEEEE!)
Many of you will have no doubt been annoyed, as
was I, by the brouhaha over this year’s New Years Day being 1/1/11. This issue
was first addressed by Eric’s Daily Horoscope, always on the cutting edge, all
the way back on 6/6/06, with further references on 8/8/08 and 9/9/09. All of
those installments follow this paragraph. Till we meet again, ducks, keep your
eyes on the stars and don’t stop looking for Uranus.
Starzina
Tiny bubbles…
Greetings, Excrement
Resentment Interment Cement---
(Sounds like a French art film, no? And, just in case it doesn’t
sound like that to YOU (Philistine) here it is in FRENCH: Le ressentiment des
excréments inhumation Ciment. Because WE can work Our WorldWideInterWebNetz
like nobody’s business. Got Ourselves one o’ them accent thingies over the
excrement and everythang. You would think somebody would be THRILLED to give Us
a jawb.)
(Apropos of nothing, here is Charo performing on the Jerry Lewis
Muscular Dystrophy Telethon. Which totally sounds like the punchline of a joke,
until you see the video. Now THAT’S comedy: http://perezhilton.com/2009-09-07-charo-does-rihanna
)
(Speaking of comedy, hurry on down to L’Etage, kidz…only four shows
left: SitOnMyFaceBook addicts will already know this, but The WaitStaff Sells
Out! sold out both shows on Sunday, and got a glowing City Paper online review.
Get your tickets NOW for tonight, and/or Sunday, Wednesday, and/or Thursday
next week. The review is here: http://wwww.citypaper.net/fringe/2009/show.php/id/185/
; ticket info here: http://www.livearts-fringe.org/details.cfm?id=8851
. See you there!)
(So We totally forgot to say:
Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, 09/09/09 (And We would wish
you a Happy Hump Day, but, this being a holiday week, it is a Week Without A
Hump. Not that WE would know the difference, but still.):
(Meanwhile, all this FUSS about 09/09/09 (which, if you are missing
said fuss, see here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090908/sc_livescience/why090909issospecial
). This led Us to wondering why We don’t recall similar fusses over, say,
08/08/08 (TCBITWWW’s birthday) or 05/05/05 (The Sainted Mother’s birthday)
(Parenthetically (he said, starting a whole new set of parentheses), they are
two of the four people who actually READ these Epistles to the Epistleless.)
So, as We possess archival versions of Eric’s Daily Horoscope back to 2004 (We
actually have PART of 2003, but (A.) not as far back as 03/03/03, and (2.)
hotmail won’t let Us open them.), We did a little research on your behalfs
(We’ll leave out what We did to your bewholes.). 04/04/04 apparently fell on a
weekend, and thus was not memorialized in these pages. 05/05/05 was celebrated
as The Sainted Mother’s birthday and nothing else. For 07/07/07, We were
apparently on vacation. 06/06/06 and 08/08/08 are reproduced here for your
nostalgic enjoyment and edification. (“Edification” meaning, of course, “to be
made more like Ed”, although who the h3ll Ed is, We haven’t got any idea.))
(But first, try saying “Epistleless” a coupla times. Fun, no?)
(HERE IS 06/06/06, WHEREIN THE PECULIARITY OF THE DATE IS AT
LEAST
REFERENCED:
Greetings,
Express Regret In Ceylonese—
Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, June 6 (Happy 6/6/6 to one and all! Also, happy D-Day. Also also, welcome back from Inja to Mister Bill, who I hope by this point has been appropriately disinfected, or whatever it is one does to people who have been shipped off to Third World countries against their will. Let’s eat sacred cow together soon. Also also also, happy birthday to Bill (this would be a totally different Bill) who turns twenty-four today. He is not on the Eric’s Daily Horoscope distribution list (and why not, I should like to know), but his wife is, and perhaps she will pass along these birthday wishes. Who knows, she may have already purchased him his very own birthday copy of Eric’s Daily Horoscope 2004/2005, available at an e-store near you. http://www.lulu.com/content/250689 ):
That certain someone has always been intriguing. (Couldja be a little more specific? I am intrigued by so many someones. Of course, I am also easily distracted by bright shiny objects. What were we talking about?)
Maybe it's time to schedule a grown-up play date. (Maybe it’s way PAST time. Of course, this is hampered by the fact that I don’t happen to know any grownups. Also by the difficulty of arranging the “consenting” part of “consenting adults”. Sigh.)
Stimulating company is always good for the grey matter (This is, presumably, just another way of saying “Go fu(k your brains out”.)
Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, June 6 (Happy 6/6/6 to one and all! Also, happy D-Day. Also also, welcome back from Inja to Mister Bill, who I hope by this point has been appropriately disinfected, or whatever it is one does to people who have been shipped off to Third World countries against their will. Let’s eat sacred cow together soon. Also also also, happy birthday to Bill (this would be a totally different Bill) who turns twenty-four today. He is not on the Eric’s Daily Horoscope distribution list (and why not, I should like to know), but his wife is, and perhaps she will pass along these birthday wishes. Who knows, she may have already purchased him his very own birthday copy of Eric’s Daily Horoscope 2004/2005, available at an e-store near you. http://www.lulu.com/content/250689 ):
That certain someone has always been intriguing. (Couldja be a little more specific? I am intrigued by so many someones. Of course, I am also easily distracted by bright shiny objects. What were we talking about?)
Maybe it's time to schedule a grown-up play date. (Maybe it’s way PAST time. Of course, this is hampered by the fact that I don’t happen to know any grownups. Also by the difficulty of arranging the “consenting” part of “consenting adults”. Sigh.)
Stimulating company is always good for the grey matter (This is, presumably, just another way of saying “Go fu(k your brains out”.)
-- not to
mention your social life. (Mmm-hmm. My social life, unicorns, the Loch Ness
monster…you can mention them all you like, it doesn’t make them so.)
There is no point in trying to be everyone's best friend -- it's an unpleasant fact of life that not everyone will always like you. (Yet one more proof that the world is full of stupid people.)
More importantly, you don't need everyone to like you. (Well, duh. I’d be EXHAUSTED. Could they like me one at a time on alternate evenings?)
After all, if you want to win a popularity contest, it's all about pleasing others and living up to their expectations, (Fu(k THAT noise.)
There is no point in trying to be everyone's best friend -- it's an unpleasant fact of life that not everyone will always like you. (Yet one more proof that the world is full of stupid people.)
More importantly, you don't need everyone to like you. (Well, duh. I’d be EXHAUSTED. Could they like me one at a time on alternate evenings?)
After all, if you want to win a popularity contest, it's all about pleasing others and living up to their expectations, (Fu(k THAT noise.)
and that's not going to get you anywhere in the long run. (Meanwhile,
when was the last time anyone actually saw ME “run”?)
Stick to your path and don't worry if you ruffle a few feathers along the way. (It’s like I always say…you can’t make an omelet without plucking a few chickens. Speaking of dinner, there are signs all over the place outside of the EAC that say “Found a cat” with a phone number. No DESCRIPTION of said cat, or any other pertinent information. That cat is SOOO gonna wind up Chinese food. Mmmm….moo goo gai pu$$y.)
They'll get over it, so you should get on with it! (Oh, Kelli! I take back every nasty thing I’ve ever said about you. That is BRILLIANT…I may have to have T-shirts made.)
Caution: The charm level you've got now could be dangerous! (Obviously. Why, cute bois are practically falling over each other to get into my orbit. Speaking of cute bois, my own personal day started with a voice message from TCBITWWW, so the day can’t be all bad. (It is difficult to stay in touch with people when you work completely opposite schedules. However, as I am constantly pointing out, one can call my cell phone any time; if I am sleeping, I will not hear it. (As I am also constantly pointing out, one can answer an email I’ve sent any time too, with even LESS chance of waking me up. (Let us now take wagers on that last bit being any more than f@rts in the wind.(Whatever DID happen to My New Str8 Boyfriend???)))))
Deploy it with some serious thought only -- what's just a friendly flirtation on your part could be a major heartthrob on theirs. (And wouldn’t THAT be nice for a change?)
Stick to your path and don't worry if you ruffle a few feathers along the way. (It’s like I always say…you can’t make an omelet without plucking a few chickens. Speaking of dinner, there are signs all over the place outside of the EAC that say “Found a cat” with a phone number. No DESCRIPTION of said cat, or any other pertinent information. That cat is SOOO gonna wind up Chinese food. Mmmm….moo goo gai pu$$y.)
They'll get over it, so you should get on with it! (Oh, Kelli! I take back every nasty thing I’ve ever said about you. That is BRILLIANT…I may have to have T-shirts made.)
Caution: The charm level you've got now could be dangerous! (Obviously. Why, cute bois are practically falling over each other to get into my orbit. Speaking of cute bois, my own personal day started with a voice message from TCBITWWW, so the day can’t be all bad. (It is difficult to stay in touch with people when you work completely opposite schedules. However, as I am constantly pointing out, one can call my cell phone any time; if I am sleeping, I will not hear it. (As I am also constantly pointing out, one can answer an email I’ve sent any time too, with even LESS chance of waking me up. (Let us now take wagers on that last bit being any more than f@rts in the wind.(Whatever DID happen to My New Str8 Boyfriend???)))))
Deploy it with some serious thought only -- what's just a friendly flirtation on your part could be a major heartthrob on theirs. (And wouldn’t THAT be nice for a change?)
(AND HERE IS 08/08/08, JUST BECAUSE IT AMUSED US:
Greetings, Earwigs
Rebelliously Ingest Cerumen---
(<…Your third
grade teacher’s voice…>If you don’t KNOW a word, look it up.<…/Your third
grade teacher’s voice…>)
(Eric’s Daily
Horoscope: Not JUST a pretty face. Since 2001.)
Here is your horoscope for Friday, August 8 (Happy birthday to TCBITWWW, who turns twenty-four today. Of course, he’s accomplishing that at 77 Sunset Strip, or Barbie’s Malibu Beach House, or Melrose Place, or one of those other fictional Left Coast places that the media would have Us believe actually exist, so he actually remains perpetually three hours younger than the rest of Us. Of course, at least the Californiancian time difference is comprehensible by a reasonably functional human brain, unlike the time difference in China (especially the Korean part of China), where it’s actually a different DAY right now. (I believe it’s the Day of the Hedgehog. Tomorrow is the Day of the Cat. The next day, naturally, is the Day of the Steamed Dumpling (Hey, Where’d The Cat Go?))):
Here is your horoscope for Friday, August 8 (Happy birthday to TCBITWWW, who turns twenty-four today. Of course, he’s accomplishing that at 77 Sunset Strip, or Barbie’s Malibu Beach House, or Melrose Place, or one of those other fictional Left Coast places that the media would have Us believe actually exist, so he actually remains perpetually three hours younger than the rest of Us. Of course, at least the Californiancian time difference is comprehensible by a reasonably functional human brain, unlike the time difference in China (especially the Korean part of China), where it’s actually a different DAY right now. (I believe it’s the Day of the Hedgehog. Tomorrow is the Day of the Cat. The next day, naturally, is the Day of the Steamed Dumpling (Hey, Where’d The Cat Go?))):
(Oh. My .G0d. Shut
UP, Ralph Nader.)
(Long-time Eric’s
Daily Horoscope readers (and I *DO* mean LOOOOOOONG-time) may recall a brief
episode where We were about to be “syndicated” (heh) in a webzine which,
unfortunately, never got off the ground. We had intended to adopt a nom de
plume (see also: pseudonym (see also: pen name (noto bene: “pen name” is
different from “that pet name you have for your p3nis”))) for said enterprise,
and had even gone so far as to create a bio for the new persona (no need to go
look up “persona”; it’s just Eye-talian for “person”). I reproduce said bio
herewith (no need to go look up “herewith”; it’s a stupid lawyer word that
doesn’t actually mean anything):
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and
either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
(Now, astute readers
among you (and how long has it been since anybody read a good stute? They just
don’t write stutes the way they used to, do they?) will be wondering what the
h3ll any of this has to do with the price of p33 in China? And to both of you I
say: I don’t think they DO watersports in the Olympics. However, I *DID*
mention earlier in the week that We would be taking Our horoscopical show on
the proverbial road; you now have another piece of information regarding same.)
(Speaking of
horoscopes, it is probably time We started one.)
On most days, you're happy to engage with all comers, friend and foe alike. (Sometimes, Kelli’s observations are so filthy, dirty, and vulgar that I need add nothing whatsoever. This would be one of those times.
On most days, you're happy to engage with all comers, friend and foe alike. (Sometimes, Kelli’s observations are so filthy, dirty, and vulgar that I need add nothing whatsoever. This would be one of those times.
(Meanwhile, is anyone
else imagining the law firm of Filthy, Dirty, and Vulgar, or is it just me?
Just me? Alrighty, then.))
Today, though, you'd
rather take time for yourself and think things through. (If I think things are
through, why would I keep thinking about them?)
It's a good day for
self-reflection. (Oh, honey, no. Just no. I *HAVE* mirrors in my house, and
trust me. No.)
Be careful not to run
yourself too ragged, right now. (Dass me, Raggedy Amos and Raggedy Andy.
(What?))
You have been working
at an exceptionally fast pace lately, (At least on the cellular level. My
mitochondria, for instance, are all a-twitter. (That was a science nerd joke.
The rest of you can move along, there’s nothing to see here.))
and there is no real reason
for you to continue running around like this. (Wonderful. TAXI!!!)
You can still get
things done by whatever deadlines have been imposed. (See, I’ve always thought
that, if there’s a deadline, by the time it arrives, somebody should be dead. I
have a list of nominees, if anybody’s interested.)
It's time to slow up
and simmer down! (Pushy b1tch.)
Take off your running
shoes and put on some slippers (My Cinderella complex, let me showz it to you.)
-- you deserve some
mellow relaxation. (Have you never BEEN mellow? Have you never tri-i-i-i-ed?
(Just a little Olivia Newton-John moment for all my good friends here at Eric’s
Daily Horoscope. Let’s have some General Foods International Coffee™, shall we?
Here have a Xanax™….))
It's not only good
for your mental state, (It’s also FAAAAABULOUS for your mental police state.)
it's going to be good
for your wallet too. (Okay, we were talking about relaxing, right? And if One’s
wallet were (subjunctively) to relax, presumably whatever money One had managed
to keep in there during the disastrous Dumbya economy would go flying out,
which would, again presumably, have a negative effect on One’s own personal
relaxation. Because words, Kelli you ignorant flea-bitten chancrous
addled-brained c00terhead, have MEANINGS. Look ‘em up, g0dd@mmit, in your
fu(kin’ Funk & Wagnalls.)
Feeling introverted?
(YES I AM, YOU FU(KING FU(KTARD, WHAT THE H3LL IS IT TO YA? (Heh. See what I
did there?))
Start turning all
your energy outward to make a bigger impact. (Why the h3ll didn’t *I* think of
that?)
Coming out of your
shell may seem impossible, (But you can’t make an omelet without breaking some
legs.)
but the more you
spend time along, (Jigga WHAT?)
the less likely
you'll be meeting people and having fun. (Oh, “spend time ALONE”. Which is what
it would’ve said if this dizzy b1tch had an actual EDITOR. Why *I* don’t
collect a paycheck for this, I’ll never know.)
Get out there! (Shut
the fu(k up! Cowhead!)
(AND NOW,
09/09/09:
Go over it one more time in
your head, (Or whatever other body part has a vacancy.)
if you're still trying to
work out where you went wrong with someone. (Or, more to the point, went wrong
with everyone.)
You are being given a
chance by the Universe to really mull over the facts, and to focus on your
communication skills within all your most important one-to-one relationships.
(This does not bode well for what happens after We finish this horoscope and
have time and communication devices to kill…)
Some Aries are going to
find that the current cycle brings an ex back into your life - not necessarily
for a reconciliation, it could be just so you can get closure. (We are ALL for
that. Especially if the closure involves a car door and their naughty bits.)
All in all though, work
hard on figuring out where you're going wrong in relationships, as much as
where you're going right! (Oh, please. If slamming the door on their d1cks is
wrong, I don’t wanna be right.)
(Thank Chr1st THAT was short
and sweet, after all that blast-from-the-past entertainment! Here come
YOUR-O-Scopes.)
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com )
http://www.humorscope.com )
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling
show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the
daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At
sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s
Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the
dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and
Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered
a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in
ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of
Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that
Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs
allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William
and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.
Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That
Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local
SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
