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Saturday, June 29, 2013

Stop, oh, yes, wait a minute, Mister Postman






Hello, Ducks!






Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for SayerDee, June 29rd, 2013.  You are no doubt nearly as surprised as We that We have just dropped in to see what condition Our condition is in on a SayerDee.  You’ll see why shortly.  But first, Happy Birthday to Jeff, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.




Alrighty then.  To come quickly to Our point, those of you on Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Marriage Vigil will be both flummoxed and flabbergasted to hear that no one has proposed to Us yet again, for the third day running.  However, We did have Ourselves a viZZZion, in the form of a dream…




From time to time, We have regaled YouPeople within these e-pisstles with stories of Our epic dreams.  If only, We’ve sighed, Our head had a USB port, We could keep both HBO and ShowTime on the air 24/7.  Well, last night We were having a number of epic dreams which, instead of Us concatenating into one long epic dream, We were switching between, a la television channels.




(You may thank Us for that now, as it means We shall only have to Cher the pertinent part.  You’re welcome.)




In the pertinent part in question, We were on vacation.  Somewhere rustic, in some sort of cabin.  (We know, We know…there are WAY too many things wrong with that sentence.)  While vacationing, We received a postcard/piece of mail from someone back home.  (Yes, We realize that’s backwards…it’s a dream, dammit; just go with Us.)




There were pictures of the gentleman who sent the mail contained thereon/therein.  They were outdoor pictures of the gentleman in question, taken from so far away that One had to look very closely to realize that he was nekkid in them.  The accompanying text made it very clear that he wanted Us to come home from Our vacation, and that he was making Propositions Of A Certain Character.




Before you ask (perverts), We did NOT make it home in the course of the dream.




Now here comes the hard part.  (All together now:  “That’s what SHE said.”)  The gentleman in question is an actual gentleman of Our real-life acquaintance.  We are fairly certain that he is one of Our Gentle Readers (and not a naked skimmer (We have not, in fact, seen him naked (unlike many of you (heh)), except for now, in last night’s dream)).  Were he (subjunctively) to make Propositions Of A Certain Character, We would most assuredly whole-heartedly acquiesce.




So, if this is you, and you’ve been thinking of sending Us nekkid pictures, or otherwise declaring your intentions, please do.  (Of course, it might be embarrassing if you sent Us nekkid pictures and it turned out it wasn’t you We were talking about.  (On the other hand, We can really never have too many nekkid pictures, so send ‘em anyway.))




There…wasn’t that a fun e-dition of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  to read on a lazy Sayerdee afternoon?



Who said, “NO”?




As a reward for making it all the way through (especially those of you who are now composing artistic nekkid selfies), here is a little video.  As you know, We love the summer and loathe the winter, but for those of you who are oppositely inclined, here is a young lady who shares your point of view.  (The audio is Not Safe For Work, if you happen to be working on a Sayerdee):

 




In other news, as you can see,  Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above. 

If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc.  Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.

We would like you to take this link to said video   http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends.  Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages.  Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it.  Seriously, people…is this so difficult?




And here is the HorrorScope:



In celebrity birthday news, if you are at a social gathering later, We guarantee that you will be the only one there who knows that it is Antoine de Saintexupery’s birthday.  Whether this impresses people or makes them think you are a freak will depend upon the kind of social gatherings you frequent.  (Antoine de Saintexupery wrote The Little Prince, just so ya know.)




Instead of Our railing away at the blatherings of that AssHatted GasBagg Kelli, here are some words of wisdom in the dulcet tones of Madame Olivia:



Greetings Eric ~

Welcome back and thank you for consulting Madame Olivia.
Madame Olivia has come upon the most delicious Finnish proverb that she senses might be helpful to you: "Happiness is a place between too little and too much." This is an elegant way of saying Don't be greedy but you needn't sacrifice yourself, either. Madame Olivia hates to invoke the M word-- moderation-- but this is essentially what we're talking about. Sometimes it's the best way, in any number of realms.
Dear Aries, Madame Olivia has a soft spot in her heart for you, and so admires you when you are assertive. Just take care with your presentation. It's a PR thing: the basic product (you) is solid and kind and eminently worth listening to. It's good to be your own strong self, especially now. Everyone will benefit.
Bright green is going to be important.

It's been wonderful being with you again. All the best to you from Madame Olivia.


In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne




(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Friday, June 28, 2013

I wanna kiss the bride





Hello, Ducks!





Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, June 28, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Avram, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in suburbia. Also, Happy Birthday to LaVonne, who  also turns twenty-four today, albeit in Altoona or thereabouts.




We did not make up either of those names, just so ya know.




In other news, must it seriously rain Every. Single. Goddamn. Day.  FOR THE REST OF OUR NATURAL LIVES???




Meanwhile, those of you on Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Marriage Vigil will be both flummoxed and flabbergasted to hear that no one has proposed to Us yet again, for the second day running.  Although a str8 boi did butter Us up.  But We suspect he was after something other than Our hand in marriage.  (Please note that no actual dairy products were harmed in the creation of this paragraph.)




And this just in from Serious Eats: New York:  “A Whole Smoked Hog In Queens!”  What sort of circuit party will those crazy queens think up next?




Here is a random piece of videosity to silly up your Friday morning:





In still other news, We apparently owe an apology to all of Our SitOnMyFaceBook friends.  You see, yesterday, We were joining a social media group called GoodReads, in which One rates books One has read, and receives suggestions based on same and from One’s friends.  We had arrived at a step where We thought We were contacting Our SitOnMyFaceBook friends who were already part of the group, but it would seem that Our newly refurbished computer was going too fast for Us, and We wound up inviting everyone who had ever SatOnOurFace.  So We do apologize, please feel free to ignore Our invitation to join a group of which you’ve never heard, and it’s all Literary Heartthrob Christopher Rice’s fault.




In other news, as you can see,  Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above. 



If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc.  Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.



We would like you to take this link to said video   http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends.  Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages.  Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it.  Seriously, people…is this so difficult?




We just received a notification that Top Brass™ Vodka, whatever THAT may be, is following Us on Twatter.  We must be more legendary than We had previously imagined.




And here is the HorrorScope:




Get in the cock-a-doodie car, Mister Man, because it’s Kathy Bates’s birthday.  It is also the birthday of Our future ex-husband, John Cusack.



You have to divert some of your great energy toward other people today — (Is it just Us, or would this be the perfect place for a fart joke?  (Of course, is there ever a NON-perfect place for a fart joke?))




otherwise, you may find that things start to get pretty crazy when their needs start to outweigh yours.  (Outweigh?  Oh, please.  Have you SEEN Our ass lately?  Ain’t nobody gonna outweigh this mess.)




After thinking about making changes for so long and not mentioning it to anyone, the obvious solution has suddenly dawned on you:  (You will pry Our Tuesday panties off of Our cold, dead crotch, bee-yotch.)




(Wow, that was actually much more disgusting than We had anticipated.)



(Also, in the midst of all the disgust, how many Gentle Readers noticed that “crotch” and “bee-yotch” rhyme?  Apparently, We are a poet, but We are unaware of it.)



If you really want to change,  (We will take all the change We can get.  Rubbing these two nickels together has gotten really, really old.)




what could possibly fulfill that urge more dramatically than moving, long distance?  (More dramatically than moving long distance…hmmm…how about gender reassignment surgery?)




(Please note that We are not in any way CONTEMPLATING gender reassignment surgery, but you must agree that it would be WAAAAYYY more dramatic than moving to Dubuque.  (Although We might be tempted to consider gender reassignment surgery if they’d let Us ADD a gender.  After all, if We were (subjunctively) reassigned as a hermaphrodite, that would sort of double Our chances, no?  (Of course, two times zero is still zero, and, with Our luck, the only thing that would increase if We were a hermaphrodite would be Our ability to go fuck Ourself.))




To extricate Ourself from this verbal morass (if only it were so easy to extricate Ourself from this literal more ass), this seems like an excellent place for The Lovely And Talented Willam Belli and The Vagina Song:



(If you need Us to tell you this is Not Safe For Work, We’ve got some swampland in Florida to sell you:)





After all, that would mean you’d have to change your home, your job, all your relationships and all your habits. (Do you think We’d get laid more if We wore a habit?)




 If all this sounds invigorating rather than frightening, get busy, (We’d love to…with whom?)




the sooner the better.  (We’re pretty sure that saying is actually “the bigger, the better”.  Just sayin’.)




You and a dear friend are stuck in a romantic dilemma — you’re probably both attracted to the same hottie!  (And sloppy seconds are okay with Us.)




Weigh all your options (Again with this “weighing” business.  It’s like this is one big fat joke.)




and check your motivation. (At the door?)




Is it really worth ending a friendship over?  (You’re the Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)…you tell Us.)



In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne



(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Marry me a little



Hello, Ducks!





Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThursday, June 27, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Birthday to Nick, who turns not-quite-twenty-four today in, We shit you not, Bath.  Insert “baby with the bathwater” joke here.




Is it just Us, or has there been a sudden upturn here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! in the number of Birthday-Havers who are less than twenty-four?  This would seem, somehow, to be counter-intuitive, but We really don’t care to dwell.




Speaking of not caring to dwell, in a fit of ennui last night, We watched the premiere of this season’s Big Brother.  We are fairly certain We didn’t get hooked, but if We start making regular reports, please stage an intervention.  KThxBye.




In other news, do these right-wingnut anti-equality bigots who are riding the waaaaambulance after yesterday’s SCOTUS ruling not realize that they are the exact same folks that are in the pictures from the 50s and 60s, protesting desegregation and harassing that little black girl who was trying to go to school?  Dear Mike Huckabee:  Jesus didn’t weep.  You don’t fucking KNOW Jesus PERSONALLY, you fucking poor excuse for a shitstain.  Shut your fucking piehole and evolve or go extinct.  Sincerely, The Human Race.




We would like to pause for a moment, before We continue on another subject, to apologize for Our insensitivity in the last paragraph.  It was not Our intention to insult shitstains.




Moving on…




We know you will be shocked, yes, shocked, as were We, to learn that We did not receive a single marriage proposal yesterday.  And here We are, with a trousseau full of freshly-embroidered Tuesday panties and a brand new lemur costume.




In other news, as you can see,  Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above.  

If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc.  Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.

We would like you to take this link to said video   http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends.  Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages.  Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it.  Seriously, people…is this so difficult?




And here is the HorrorScope:




Speaking of weddings, if you plan to wed while wearing Vera Wang, you might want to wish her a Happy Birthday today.  (That was an awful lot of Ws, no?)  Also, it is a very special day here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!:  it is Helen Keller’s birthday!   So HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HELEN KELLER!!!!! (We had to shout, so she would hear Us.  Because not only is she deaf, she’s also dead.)




WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!



You reap what you sow, (So what are We, a fucking FARMER now?)




and today shows the world exactly what you’ve sown. (We neither sow nor sew.  We toil not, neither do We spin.  And We’re not even quite sure what Zumba actually is.)




(So are We clear now?)




If you’ve been good lately, it’s sure to be a terrific day. (When We are good, We are very, very good, but when We are bad We are better.)




If you’ve neglected your karma, expect some speed bumps.  (That’s not a speed bump, it’s a chameleon.  Oh Our God, you’ve run over Our chameleon!)




You just have to spill the beans to someone, or you’ll burst. (“Sow”?  “Reap”?  “Beans”?  What the fuck is this, Green Acres?  Kiss Us quick, We’re Eva Gabor.  Olivah!  OLIVAH!)




The problem is, you’re not quite sure who you should be telling your secret to. (Well, the answer would be “no one”, if it’s supposed to remain a secret.  Duh.)




Until you’re sure, you had better hang on to it. (We shall put it in Our Tuesday panties.  With the cobwebs.  And the dustbunnies.  And the nametag that says “Miss Havisham”.)




A friend that you halfheartedly opt  (What a rude thing to do!)




to confide in may have an agenda you’re not aware of — involving you, in far more than a friendly way. (Wow.  Doesn’t THAT sound murky?)




See? (Seahorses?  Seashells?  C minus?  (Hmmm…it would appear that joke only works orally.  Or aurally.  Whatever…it’s a non-anal joke.)




Keeping quiet might be best.  (OKAY, HELEN KELLER!)




Don’t take it too personally when that move doesn’t get noticed or that message doesn’t get answered.   (Personally?  It is Our life story.)




It’s all in the timing today, and your energy may be interfering. (What does that even mean?)




Try to make it all about relaxation.  (Or Exlax™ation.  (Ooops…somehow, We got back to shitstains again.))



In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne




(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.