Google+ Followers

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Oh, We wish We were (subjunctively) an Oscar Meyer™ wiener.




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  WinesDay, October 31, 2012.  Happy Halloween to all you Happy Hallowieners and Hallowienettes. (We hear you all clamoring, “What the hell is a ‘Hallowienette’?”  And to both of you, We say, “A ‘Hallowienette’ is the feminine version of a ‘Hallowiener’.  ‘Wienette’ being a classy way of saying ‘vagina’, much like ‘wiener’ is a classy way of saying ‘dick’.  Get with the program, already.)


We Our Own Self Personally will be spending Our Halloween playing The Match Game.  We shall be dressed up as Jesus H. Christ, who is dressed up as Satan. We have devil horns that light up and blink.  You wouldn’t want to miss THAT, wouldja?  Come on down! Show up in costume!  Hell, just show up!  It’s only fifteen bucks, and you’ll be out by 9, free to go haunt other Halloween parties of your choosing.  If you’re a student, and you show up with TEN bucks in your hand, We’ll let you in.  If you show up with your wiener in your hand, We’ll probably let you in WITHOUT ten bucks.  Because that’s just the kind of stuff that happens when Jesus H. Christ works the door.


That’s The WaitStaff’s Real Housewives of South Philly Halloween Match Game Extravaganza! Tonight, 7:30 at L’Etage at 6th and Bainbridge.  Doors open at 7.  If you wanted to buy tickets in advance, you would do that here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/284819
But if you didn’t, you would just show up at the door with something or another in your hand, and you would get in.  It’s a miracle!

(It took Us all this time to notice that We had been misspelling ‘wiener’ as ‘weiner’.  We never have that problem with dcik.)

And now, as a public service to Our procrastinating readers who have yet to figger out their Halloween costumes, here’s this (you’re welcome):

EASY HALLOWEEN
COSTUME IDEAS.

BY TIM CARVELL

- - - -
Happy Halloween. For today we thought we’d dive deep into our archives and republish a piece by Tim Carvell. This first appeared on our website on October 31, 1999.
- - -
Undertaker 
Wear dark suit, white shirt, dark tie. Speak in modulated tones.

Undercover Police Officer 
Dress as usual, only more so. Act as you usually would, only more so. Swagger.

White House Intern
Wear khakis, button-down shirt. Behave as you usually would. They’re not all like her, you know.

Proctologist 
Wear a coat and a tie. Behave normally. What, you think they’re all ass-grabbing freaks or something? They’re not. They’re normal people, just like you and me.

War Criminal 
Dress as you usually do. Act as you usually do. Decline to supply information about your past.

Douglas Fairbanks 
Locate grave of Douglas Fairbanks, dig up remains, attach them to self with duct tape. Behave as you imagine Douglas Fairbanks might.

A Unicorn 
Dress as you usually would. Inform people that you are dressed as a unicorn. When people point out that you look nothing like a unicorn, tell them that unicorns don’t exist, and to stop being such babies.

Amputee 
Drink a fifth of bourbon. With a sharp, clean knife, remove one or more limbs. Cauterize wound(s).

Newborn Baby 
Shave off all body hair, cover self in amniotic fluid. Arrange to be carried around by ankles. Mingle.

Ned Beatty 
Find a plastic surgeon who will make you look as much like Ned Beatty as is surgically possible. Many surgeons will refuse; keep looking until you find one who agrees. Undergo many painful operations until you are a dead ringer for Ned Beatty. Arrive at party and be mistaken for Ned Beatty, then inform your friends of what you have done. They will be amazed. It will all be worth it.
*************************************************************************************
Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg .  Enjoy!

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):


And one more non sequitur before We carry on…someone subscribed to Our YouTube channel yesterday, so, of course, as One does, We returned the favor, and asked him how he had stumbled upon Us.  His response:

You asked how I found you...
I Googled Dick Gautier today(his 81st birthday) and a photo of you in a "I Got It In The Bunghole" t-shirt popped up. True story.
So We are just a little bit more famous today than We were yesterday.  Because now We know somebody who Googles Dick Gautier.  (Did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us.)

Here’s the HorrorScope:

In case you were wondering why there was just a little bit more music in The Universe today than usual, it is both Willow Smith’s AND Vanilla Ice’s birthday today.

Something’s in the way (Something in the way she moves…)

(Sorry.)

- so climb (ev’ry mountain, ford ev’ry stream, follow ev’ry rainbow, till you want to scream.)

(Life is just a fucking musical comedy, innit?)

over it, move around it or tunnel under it if you must. (Alternatively, whip your hair back and forf.)

Obstacles don’t mean it’s time to quit; they symbolize your efforts to do what you need to do.  (Yeah, whatever.  Shut up, Kelli…the sun is shining!)

You’ve been too agreeable lately (Have not.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

(Are you kidding?  Helen Keller saw what We did there, and explained it to Ray Charles.)

— and you run the risk of being branded a pushover!  (Which is better than being branded a pullover, because why burn a hole in a perfectly good sweater?)

(Hey, they can’t ALL be comedy gold.  (Did We mention that Helen Keller saw what We did there, and explained it to Ray Charles?))

Today, it’s time to stand up for what you think is right.  (We will stand up when a boy walks through the door of L’Etage with his wiener in his hand, and not a moment before.)

Don’t back off from being the lone voice of dissent in the room. (What if We want to switch off to being the lone voice of ASSent?)

(Heh.  We said “ASS”.)

If something isn’t right to you, then it isn’t right!  (We are, after all, The Arbiter Of RightNess.  The Right Guard, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t…what the fuck makes you think it’s all about YOU?)  We have A Divine Right.  And Our Left ain’t bad, neither.)

(Does anyone have the vaguest idea what the hell We’re talking about, and, if so, could you tell Us, please?)

You deserve the chance to say your piece (“Your piece.”)

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

and have your thoughts be given just as much respect as everyone else’s.   (Shut. Up. AssHat.)

(We would say “see what We did there?” again, but nobody liked Our Helen Keller joke.  Party-pooping party-poopers who poop inappropriately at parties.)

(Poop!)

If at first you don’t succeed romantically, should you try again? (Maybe We should try it with another person involved this time?  And not, like, ya know, an inflatable one?)

Unless you’re crossing over into overdoing it, you should probably give a certain person or situation another try. (Well, that was just a staggering monument to unspecificity, wunnit?)

Your Your-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
                                                                                                                                    


Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Look at me, I’m Sandra Dee




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  Toonzday, October 30, 2012.  We noticed last Toonzday, but forgot to mention, mention, bring to your attention, the fact that, if One says “Toonzday” out loud, One sounds like a ‘tard.  G’head, try it, We’ll wait.

See?

Happy birthday, meanwhile, to Lindsay, who turns twenty-four today.
Here at Casa de CrotchRot, We are counting Our blessings.  But fear not…We shan’t let Our joy at having thus weathered the storm impact your reading pleasure by preventing Us from complaining.  For example, after completing yesterday’s e-pisstle, in which We believe We mentioned that We had half-assedly lugged half of the contents of Our dungeon…er, basement up to the first floor, We betook the other half of Our ass to Our dungeon…er, basement and finished the job.  Now, of course, said half-assed lugging must be reversed.

Some play on words involving “luggage” wants to be here.  Could someone do something about that for Us? KThxBye.

Micro$oft Weird™ continues to attempt to inform Us that “assedly” is not a word.  We continue not to care.  If you happen to have seen Our ass lately, you are well aware that half Our ass is big as a nun.

What?

In addition to the aforementioned lugging reversal, We must also accomplish those tasks We postponed, as they would be do-able during  power outage. One example being emptying the dishwasher. Although We can probably dispense with reading most of the Sunday paper.

However, before any of that, We are going to put on some clothes and get the FUCK out of this house, preferably by going somewhere where We can see other human beings.

Meanwhile, does anyone know the producers of Hoarders, or whatever that show is called?  Because before We lug all this crap back where it belongs, We could totes mcgotes film an e-pissode of that shizz in here.

(Yes, We DID just say “totes mcgotes”.  AND “shizz”.  Hey, YouPeople left Us here all alone.)

Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg .  Enjoy!


Meanwhile, the following is happening tomorrow, which is, as you know, Halloween.  We will see you there, won’t We?  :

The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!

 The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!

Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!)  at 7:30.





Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):


Here’s the HorrorScope:

Meanwhile, despite all the gloomy news, it is, after all, Ivanka Trump’s birthday.  So there’s that.

Patience may not be one of your strong suits, but you can still bust it out now and then when the situation demands it. (We?  Are an Aries.  ANY Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) who DIDN’T get her certification from the back of a matchbook cover by drawing Binky would know that We don’t HAVE any patience.   And any writer for whom Engrish is not her fourteenth language would know that patience is not something one “busts out”. Shut. Up. Kelli.)

See if you can just smile and nod when people propose inane ideas today.  (We had an idea once.  It died of loneliness.)

Today, make sure you have important conversations face to face — especially if they involve finances or major purchases!   (Why would We want to purchase a major, when We could save up and purchase a general?  Or, better yet, some privates.)

(That joke juts begged to be told.  BEGGED.  And if there’s one thing We can’t resist, it’s a begging joke.)

It could be so easy to just click your way to a new gadget online, (Wait…you mean there’s one newer than Gadget Goes Hawaiian?)

but it’s not wise. (Speaking of Gidget, We once played Chicklet in Psycho Beach Party. Now, We’d be lucky if they’d let Us play her mother.  Sigh.)

You need to be able to ask questions, (Why?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

 read body language, (Lettuce hear your body talk, your body talk.)

and understand the tone of someone’s voice.  (Marcel Marceau, fer instance.)

You also have to consider that sometimes people use email or texting to back out of commitments without having to explain why. (Because people are lying liars who lie, THAT’S why.)

 You deserve explanations, so make sure you get them.  (How can it be a explanation, if it was never a planation in the first place?)

Go ahead and charm that new person (Do you dare Us?)

— little do they know that your seemingly casual line of inquiry is helping you find out who they are and what they think. (Also, We know what they did last summer. (Here’s a hint:  it was Ryan Phillippe.))

Their favorite movies can tell you everything. (Gadget Goes to Rome?)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
                                                                                                                                    


Monday, October 29, 2012

Yes, We have no bananas




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherMaddeningNaturalDisasterMonday, October 29, 2012.  Happy Bank Holiday to Our Irelandish readers.  And Happy FrankenStorm to Our readers on The Right Coast.  Here at Casa de CrackPot, We are feeling secure and loved, as Comcast has just robo-called Us to warn Us against going out and playing with any downed electrical wires.  They caught Us in the nick of time…We already had Our playclothes on.

Yesterday, We half-assedly hauled half of Our worldly possessions up from Our basement, much as We did just last year.  A proceeding which was every bit as boring as it sounds, except for the part involving the Christmas tree and decorations, which We referred to (yes, We were talking to Ourself…We’re all alone here, with no man man man man manly man on whom to rely; who ELSE are We gonna talk to?) as “saving Christmas”.  Assuming this storm eventually passes, do not be surprised if you come to OurHouseWhereWeLive next weekend and find said Christmas tree up and decorated.

(Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to know that “assedly” is not a word.  How jack-assedly izzat?)

This just in from Our foreign correspondent in Das Hinterlands, Aileen: “Walmart has no bananas.  They have no bananas today.”

In still other news, We finished Our first draft of the dreaded murder mystery this weekend, completely on schedule and with the approval of those who commissioned it.  More on that story as it develops.

In other up-to-the-minute developments, Our mail just arrived.  Through rain and snow and sleet and hail, indeed!  Our mailman?  (Male mail male mail manly mailman)…was wet.  If you had ever (subjunctively) SEEN Our mailman (Male mail male mail manly mailman), you would know that that is how We always picture him.  Wet, that is.  And with most of his uniform torn away.

Excuse Us for a moment…we require Our smelling salts.

Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg .  Enjoy!


Meanwhile, the following is happening on Wednesday (assuming (thereby making a sumo wrestler out of Uma Thurman’s ass) We have not all been killed by FrankenStorm).  We will see you there, won’t We?  :

The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!

 The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!

Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!)  at 7:30.





Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):


Here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Winona Ryder’s birthday.  We trust that she is celebrating on The LEFT Coast.  Here is a little music video in her honor:


(You DID know that Winona had a big brown beaver, didn’t you?)

Get in line — or start one!   (We would love to DO one (a line, that is), but who needs to be extra-awake for the next two days?)

You need to push yourself out in the forefront of activity today, and that could mean that you find new ways to show the world how amazing you really are.  (Just wait till the world sees Us play with downed electrical wires!)

 A friend who has been all talk and no action has been getting on your nerves for some time now — it could be time to make a decision about them.  (Yeah.  ‘Cause We could seriously use some action.)

You don’t need people in your life who disappoint you over and over again. Have a talk with them today, and find out what’s been behind all of their empty promises. Stop giving them ‘one more chance’ and don’t be afraid to cut them loose from your life. They need you much more than you need them.  (Okay, Number One, how depressing wuzzat?  And B., the likelihood of Us seeing any other people today, except possibly out of Our window as they blow by, is practically nil.  So Shut. Up. Kelli.)

Any awkward social scenes you fear will not materialize, so don’t worry.  (Well, there’s a safe bet.  Because any social scenes AT ALL ain’t gonna materialize till at least Wednesday.)

 You’re not going to hold back, whether it’s an opinion, a compliment or even serious flirtation — or maybe all three rolled up into one awesome package.  (And tied up with a downed-electrical-wire bow.)

Your energy is terrific, so go ahead and make it happen.  (Whatever.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.