Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, July 31th , 2013. How can it possibly be July 31th already? Why, that’s practically August 1rd ! It seems like only yesterday it was July 30nd !
Sorry…We forgot Ourself for a moment.
There is a fly in OurHouseWhereWeLive (did that sound like the beginning of a country-western song to anyone else? Just Us? Alrighty, then) which will not land its fly self anywhere long enough for Us to squash its fly ass like the bug that it is. It is a very large fly, and noisy.
Happy Birthday to Randy, who turns twenty-four today Somewhere In Suburbia. Also, Happy Birthday to Roy, who also turns twenty-four today, Somewhere In New Hope. (This would seem to be Our second New Hopeian birthday this week. We could not tell you the last time We Our Own Self Personally went to New Hope. YouPeople never take Us anywhere.) Also too also, Happy Birthday to Michael, who also too also turns twenty-four today Somewhere In New York That’s Not New York, New York, So We Don’t Get To Make Our “City That Never Sleeps With Us” Joke.
And Happy Hump Day to the rest of you.
We trust you are all enjoying Our new video, which is, of course, above. And here is the link with which you are no doubt already busily sharing it with all of your friends. As you do. http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo .
We have alluded previously to Our upcoming Fringe Festival show, Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, tickets for which are (parenthetically (despite the absence (until now) of parentheses)) now on sale at http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar
But now, through the magic of the InterNetz, We are offering YOU the opportunity to help Us produce said show! Yes, ladies and genitals, boys and gerbils, We have launched a KickStarter crowdfunding project to help Us defray the initial outlay expenses. Won’t you please go and check it out, and give what you can? Here is the link: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/635878991/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeb
And thanks to all of those early-bird investors (why exactly One would WANT a worm is somewhat beyond Us, but whatevs), We are already 20% funded! In fact, We had one investor a few minutes after the project went live, before We had so much as peeped about it elsewhere. The WorldWideInterWebNetz are a miraculous place.
(Our hard-core fans will want to know that Our brilliant director has concocted an amazing video for the project, which cannot be seen anywhere BUT on KickStarter.)
In other news, in Our efforts to contribute to Our Own Personal good karma (realizing, of course, that for every five karmas, One gets a free chameleon) as well as being At One with a benevolent universe, We were attempting to hook someone up with a job yesterday when We discovered that they had defriended Us on SitOnMyFaceBook. This is not how social media works, people.
Needless to say (and yet saying it anyway), that’s one pigfucker who shall remain jobless. Put THAT in your karma and smoke it.
And here is the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, Rico Rodriguez (the kid from Modern Family) is fifteen today. You could not PAY Us enough money to be fifteen again. On the other hand, you COULD pay Us enough money to be on Modern Family. In other news, Dean Cain. (Yes, it’s his birthday, but We’re sort of savoring the concept of Dean Cain as a verb. (Oh, leave Us alone…there’s a fly in Our house.))
Something unexpected lies in your path (Not the fucking Spanish Inquisition AGAIN?!?)
— and seems to block progress. (Speaking of country-western songs, doesn’t Block Progress sound like he should be the hero of some old Western movie?)
Most likely, it just means you need to take off (All of your clothes, Mister Depp, and lie down in a convenient position. (Oooops…was that the outside voice?))
in a slightly different direction, (One Direction?)
but it shouldn’t be a serious problem. (That’s what you think….you didn’t spend five minutes earlier clicking through every single picture in an article entitled “The Fifteen Best Shirtless Pictures Of One Direction”. (Of course, neither did We.))
You’ve come to a long-anticipated crossroads in one of your relationships, (Well, kiss Us right on Uranus, We’re Robert Frost.)
and things could change significantly — depending, of course, on how you treat today’s dramas. (If One gets a chameleon with every fifth karma, what does One get with every fifth drama?)
(Anyone else think Robert Frost is rolling in his grave from having to share an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! with Boy George and One Direction?)
(If this damn fly don’t quit, We are going to beat it to death with Jeff Goldblum.)
If you can have patience (Have We met?)
with this person’s outrageous behavior, you will grow closer in a way you were hoping. (Harry Styles…call Us!)
Does the scene seem less like a party and more like a wasteland? (Teenage wasteland. (Who? ))
(Heh. See what We did there?)
While obstacles are blocking your every move, you still need to persevere when it comes to romance. (Well. Dunnat sound…strenuous?)
You could end up with something amazing if you do. (Is that a threat?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.