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Wednesday, July 31, 2013

And We danced all night to the best song ever (again)







Hello, Ducks!






Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  WinesDay, July 31th , 2013.  How can it possibly be July 31th  already?  Why, that’s practically August 1rd !  It seems like only yesterday it was July 30nd !




Sorry…We forgot Ourself for a moment.




There is a fly in OurHouseWhereWeLive (did that sound like the beginning of a country-western song to anyone else?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then) which will not land its fly self anywhere long enough for Us to squash its fly ass like the bug that it is.  It is a very large fly, and noisy.




Sigh.




Happy Birthday to Randy, who turns twenty-four today Somewhere In Suburbia.  Also, Happy Birthday to Roy, who also turns twenty-four today, Somewhere In New Hope.  (This would seem to be Our second New Hopeian birthday this week.  We could not tell you the last time We Our Own Self Personally went to New Hope.  YouPeople never take Us anywhere.)  Also too also, Happy Birthday to Michael, who also too also turns twenty-four today Somewhere In New York That’s Not New York, New York, So We Don’t Get To Make Our “City That Never Sleeps With Us” Joke.




And Happy Hump Day to the rest of you.





We trust you are all enjoying Our new video, which is, of course, above.  And here is the link with which you are no doubt already busily sharing it with all of your friends.  As you do.  http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo .




We have alluded previously to Our upcoming Fringe Festival show, Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, tickets for which are (parenthetically (despite the absence (until now) of parentheses)) now on sale at http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar




But now, through the magic of the InterNetz, We are offering YOU the opportunity to help Us produce said show!  Yes, ladies and genitals, boys and gerbils, We have launched a KickStarter crowdfunding project to help Us defray the initial outlay expenses.  Won’t you please go and check it out, and give what you can?  Here is the link: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/635878991/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeb



And thanks to all of those early-bird investors (why exactly One would WANT a worm is somewhat beyond Us, but whatevs), We are already 20% funded!  In fact, We had one investor a few minutes after the project went live, before We had so much as peeped about it elsewhere.  The WorldWideInterWebNetz are a miraculous place.



(Our hard-core fans will want to know that Our brilliant director has concocted an amazing video for the project, which cannot be seen anywhere BUT on KickStarter.)



In other news, in Our efforts to contribute to Our Own Personal good karma (realizing, of course, that for every five karmas, One gets a free chameleon) as well as being At One with a benevolent universe, We were attempting to hook someone up with a job yesterday when We discovered that they had defriended Us on SitOnMyFaceBook.  This is not how social media works, people.



Needless to say (and yet saying it anyway), that’s one pigfucker who shall remain jobless. Put THAT in your karma and smoke it.



And here is the HorrorScope:




In celebrity birthday news, Rico Rodriguez (the kid from Modern Family) is fifteen today.  You could not PAY Us enough money to be fifteen again.  On the other hand, you COULD pay Us enough money to be on Modern Family. In other news, Dean Cain.  (Yes, it’s his birthday, but We’re sort of savoring the concept of Dean Cain as a verb. (Oh, leave Us alone…there’s a fly in Our house.))




Something unexpected lies in your path (Not the fucking Spanish Inquisition AGAIN?!?)




— and seems to block progress. (Speaking of country-western songs, doesn’t Block Progress sound like he should be the hero of some old Western movie?)




Most likely, it just means you need to take off  (All of your clothes, Mister Depp, and lie down in a convenient position.  (Oooops…was that the outside voice?))




in a slightly different direction, (One Direction?)




but it shouldn’t be a serious problem.  (That’s what you think….you didn’t spend five minutes earlier clicking through every single picture in an article entitled “The Fifteen Best Shirtless Pictures Of One Direction”.  (Of course, neither did We.))




You’ve come to a long-anticipated crossroads in one of your relationships,  (Well, kiss Us right on Uranus, We’re Robert Frost.)




and things could change significantly — depending, of course, on how you treat today’s dramas. (If One gets a chameleon with every fifth karma, what does One get with every fifth drama?)




(Anyone else think Robert Frost is rolling in his grave from having to share an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  with Boy George and One Direction?)




(If this damn fly don’t quit, We are going to beat it to death with Jeff Goldblum.)




If you can have patience (Have We met?)




with this person’s outrageous behavior, you will grow closer in a way you were hoping.  (Harry Styles…call Us!)




Does the scene seem less like a party and more like a wasteland? (Teenage wasteland.  (Who? ))




(Heh.  See what We did there?)




While obstacles are blocking your every move, you still need to persevere when it comes to romance.  (Well.  Dunnat sound…strenuous?)




You could end up with something amazing if you do. (Is that a threat?)







In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne



(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

A mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound






Hello, Ducks!





Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  GoodPieRupeeTuesday, July 30rd , 2013.




In a typical display of bad timing, We have only this morning discovered that yesterday was National Don’t Be A Dick Day.  Our InterNetz inform Us that this auspicious event was somehow tied in to the fact that yesterday was also Wil Wheaton’s birthday.  Celebrity historians will recall that, when Al Gore invented the InterNetz, Wil Wheaton was set to be the reigning celebrity spokesmodel of same.  That position was, of course, subsequently usurped by George Takei.  Which must have been daunting for Wil Wheaton, to be replaced by a ninety-year-old gay guy, but that is the sort of thing one must come to expect when one cannot even spell “Will” properly.




Do not let the preceding barrel of blathering badinage fool you…We actually DO have a subject today.  On the way to same, We have already titillated (heh…We said “tit”) Our word maven readers by using “auspicious”, “usurped”, and “badinage”.  Not to mention “titillated”  (heh…We said “tit” again).  We Our Own Self Personally, however, are much more concerned that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t recognize “spokesmodel” as a word.  The hell?




But onward and upward and Burt Ward to Our Subject At Hand.  As you know (unless you are a naked skimmer (and, if you ARE a naked skimmer, you should know that We can see you through Our InterNetz, and your birthday suit needs pressing)), yesterday was a banner day here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, as it always is when We release a new video.   (Said video is, of course, above.  And here is the link with which you are already busily sharing it with all of your friends.  As you do.  http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo )  And We promised you an even more exciting announcement today.



Well, here it is.




We have alluded previously to Our upcoming Fringe Festival show, Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, tickets for which are (parenthetically (despite the absence (unitl now) of parentheses)) now on sale at http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar





But now, through the magic of the InterNetz, We are offering YOU the opportunity to help Us produce said show!  Yes, ladies and genitals, boys and gerbils, We have, as of this very morning, launched a KickStarter crowdfunding project to help Us defray the initial outlay expenses.  Won’t you please go and check it out, and give what you can?  Here is the link: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/635878991/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeb




(Our hard-core fans will want to know that Our brilliant director has concocted an amazing video for the project, which cannot be seen anywhere BUT on KickStarter.)




And here is the HorrorScope:




It is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s birthday today.  Which means that We are now out of consonants, and dear lord Jeebus, have you seen the HAWTNESS that is his son Patrick?




In the interests of hurrying this e-pissode into your hot little hands (oooooh!), We are foregoing the Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulations) of AssHatKelli in favor of a reading from Madame Olivia:




Greetings Eric ~

How nice to be with you again.

And now, little Aries, Madame Olivia brings you good news from the stars above. The oft-noted movement of Neptune into Pisces augurs extremely well for you, especially as you find yourself in situations where you feel constrained. You might feel like busting loose but Madame Olivia counsels something simpler for you: be still and let yourself be open to a different way of doing things. This conscious openness will invite wonderful new thinking.

Virtue of the hour: acceptance

It's been wonderful being with you again. All the best to you from Madame Olivia.




In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne




(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Monday, July 29, 2013

Toreador, en garde!






Hello, Ducks!






Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  JustAnotherMantillaMonday, July 29st , 2013.  (It has only just this moment occurred to Us that We have never worn a mantilla.  Now We are desperately trying to imagine a role which would require Us to do so.  Without having to learn to play the castanets or dance flamenco.  Thoughts?)




Happy birthday to Eddie, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  (As he is only turning twenty-four for the second time, We shall take this opportunity to explain that We Our Own Self Personally are going to keep right on turning twenty-four until We get it right, and therefore, by association, soa re all of you.  You’re welcome.)




Happy birthday also to Robert, who also turns twenty-four today, also in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Additionally also too, happy birthday to Sarah, who additionally also too turns twenty-four today, albeit in The City That Never Sleeps With Us.




Happy belated birthday to Dan, who turned twenty-four this past weekend in New Hope, and to Ray, who turned twenty-four this past weekend in Indiana.  The city, not the state.  Although why the city of Indiana isn’t IN the state of Indiana makes no sense to Us.  New York, New York?  Makes sense.  Kansas City, Missouri?  Not so much.




Speaking of New York, New York, happy belated birthday also to Mike, who did NOT turn twenty-four this past weekend.  His SitOnMyFaceBook would have Us believe that he turned not-twenty-four in New York, New York, aka The City That Never Sleeps With Us, but We suspect that he actually did so somewhere in Northern New Jersey. As We are 100% certain, however, that he would Never Sleep With Us, it pretty much all comes out in the wash.  As they say.



It is always a big day here when We release a new video, but We would be archivally remiss if We did not just mention two dreams.  In one of them, We were playing baseball.  (We know, right?)  We were the, ahem, catcher.  Now, before you make any crude sexual references (perverts), lettuce just point out that the pitcher was some sort of human-sized insect, so eeeuuuwww.  In the other dream, meanwhile The Sainted Mother will be pleased to hear that she appeared sporting white hair, to which she had cunningly added blue streaks by rinsing it with Cool Mint Listerine™.




That said, Our new Leo video is, of course, above.  And here is the link with which you will share it with all of your friends.  As you do.  http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo




Also, stay tuned for tomorrow’s e-pissode, which will contain another Very Exciting Announcement!





And here is the HorrorScope:




There are some serious HAWTT-with-two-Ts Hottie McHottHott with Hott Sauce bois in today’s celebrity birthdays.  Unfortunately, We have no idea who the fuck they are.  Nevertheless, happy birthday to Joey Essex, Munro Chambers, and Matt Prokop, each of whom turns, coincidentally, twenty-THREE today.




Kelli the Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist), meanwhile, has ho’ed herseff out to Smurfs 2: The Motion Picture.  We. Can’t. Even.  Here is Our smurf-o-scope from today:



You can run but you can't hide despite your smurfy surreptitious genius. Speed is your friend but you can't stand hurting anyone's feelings. Balancing your naughty and nice side is where it's at today so try to give expression to both and you'll not only win friends but you'll influence Smurfs.




Seriously?  Jeebus.




We are going to wrap this up, as We have A Very Special Private Murder Mystery Show tonight, and Our Tuesday panties need Febreezing™.  (Mrs. Schwitz in a mantilla…hmmmm….)





In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne



(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.