Ed Sullivan, Ed Sullivan, we’re gonna be on Ed Sullivan!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, September 28, 2012.  Well, This Was The Most Worthless Week That Was is grinding to a close here at Casa de Convalescent Home For Chesty Cough.  (Chesty Cough, you will recall from yesterday’s e-pissode, is a porn star extraordinaire.  (Not, mind you, that We believe you've read yesterday’s e-pissode.  Or any of this week’s, as a matter of fact.  The paucity, scarcity, and dearth of get-well-wishes alone is evidence thereof. Sigh.))

In fact, We weren’t even going to exert Ourselves (how many of Us are there?) today, but We did just have to share the following.  Which is just one more proof that We really do know all the coolest people everywhere.  (Of course, most of them won’t return Our phone calls, but still…We know them!  The restraining orders prove that!)

So here, ladies and genitals, boyzzz and gurrrlllzzz, is the first single released by Scary Mary and the Audio Corsette, all the way from the Witch City of Salem, Massachusetts (is anyone else hearing this in Ed Sullivan’s voice?), “Set Her Free”:

Meanwhile, from The Complete And Utter Coincidence Department, We only learned after We said the preceding that today is Ed Sullivan’s birthday.  (However, We created today’s title at the very end.)

He would have been a hundred and eleven years old.  If he weren’t (subjunctively) ya know, dead.

Here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above).  All of your insights have been so helpful so far…We’re fairly certain We shall be able to train Chesty Cough to blow smoke rings and shoot ping pong balls through the centers of them by the time Scorpio rolls around:

It is difficult to believe that it was only a few short weeks ago that HimSelf was named Groovy Reader of the Month over at Deep Dish:  http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html

Here’s the HorrorScope:

In other birthday news, it is Moon Unit Zappa’s birthday today.  She is forty-five, and still has not apparently learned that it is possible to change one’s name.  Also, for those of you who thought there were only three Jonas Brothers (and why you would be thinking about any such thing, We haven’t got any idea), We are here to tell you that, much like Jimmy Osmond (who?), there exists a much-younger Jonas Brother named Frankie, who is celebrating his twelfth birthday today.  We include him here because of his oh-so-adorable nickname, Bonus Jonas, and his not-so-adorable-nickname-that-We-just-made-up, The Condom Broke Jonas.

You need to lend a hand today — someone really needs you, and you can get a lot more done helping others than you can on your own projects.  (Did We or did We not plug Scary Mary and the Audio Corsette earlier?  Completely unbidden, We might add.  It’s as if We’re psychic.  Also, as if We know stuff that’s going to happen before it happens.  (Yes, We already used that joke today, but it was in a text to one other person.  We believe in recycling here at Erix Daily Horoscope.))

It’s one of those days when you’re aiding, not leading.  (If We are aiding, We bet We are also abetting.  (We’re so lyrical, it’s a miracle!  (Also, We are a poet, but We are unaware of it.)))

Try not to get involved in anything that confuses you today (We may have to go back to bed then.)

— it’s only going to lead to frustration. (So much for the back to bed idea…)

This isn’t a great day for learning new tasks or starting new projects. (We’ve already folded the laundry from yesterday…howzzat?)

Your mind won’t be able to focus quickly (Sorry…did you say something?)

 on adapting to new methods or ideas.  (We had a new idea once.  Died of loneliness, it did.)

 If you feel that you’re unclear about a rule or a law, get clarity immediately!  (Also, Get Christie Love!)

Ask someone in the know what the real deal is, (And ask Richard Simmons what the real deal-a-meal is.)

(When an eel bites your heel while it’s copping a feel, that’s a moray.)

and don’t be worried about looking like you don’t know what you’re doing. (Wait…you mean all We have to do is LOOK like We know what We’re doing?)

It’s time to put up or shut up. (Grow up or throw up.  Buck up or fuck up. Pick up or hiccup.  (That there is one of those multi-purpose sentences.))

You’ve been cutting a certain person some slack for a little too long. (Why is “slacks” plural?  It’s not like you can have just one of them.)

Mercy is one thing, but being a doormat is another. (The girl with the face that says “welcome”, that men can wipe their feet on.  (Name that musical, theatre fagz.))

It’s time to establish a brand new pattern in your relationships.  (Paisley!  Houndstooth!  Tartan plaid!)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Da doo ron ron ron, da doo ron ron.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, September 27, 2012.  Well, it may be that We shan’t exactly expire this time around.  Our apologies to those who were hoping otherwise.  It appears that We were only cognizant of the third of the dengue-fever-bubonic-plague-syphilitic-chlamydia’s Three Days Coming, have now lived through all three of its Three Days With You, and are now on the first of the Three Days Going.  It’s like The Twelve Days of Christmas, except with fluorescent green snot.  So far, We are left with an ear that won’t unplug and a chesty cough.

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), Chesty Cough is, of course, a female porn star.  She does str8 porn.  She smokes cigars.  Sometimes three at a time. And blows smoke rings.  Also sometimes three at a time.  (Honestly, sometimes this stuff just writes itself.  Meanwhile, even Our str8 Boi Readers With Erectile Dysfunction just popped boners.  Because We?  Are Just. That. Good.))

(All y’all are picturing Chesty Cough now, aren’t you?  (Well, those who aren’t picturing Our str8 boi readers’ boners.) Her latest cinematic endeavor was entittled (heh) Sometimes A Cigar Is Just A Cigar.)

But We digress.  We also have a plumbing problem, but that’s the plumbing in OurHouseWhereWeLive, not Our Own Personal plumbing.  We don’t suppose any of you bois who are handy with tools would care to come over and check out Our pipes?

What’d We say?

In other news, this was quite a week for celebrity birthdays that We had to miss out on because We were under the weather.  And today is no exception.  Perhaps it’s just as well We can’t go out amongst the living, as We would have to decide between partying with Shaun Cassidy, Wilford Brimley, or Meat Loaf.   We are not, of course, invited to Gwyneth Paltrow’s party, after last year’s incident in which We baked her an Apple pie.

(The layers and levels of humor in here are just infinite, no?  Like an enigma cloaked in a riddle wrapped in a mystery rolled up in a rolling paper smoked by a pothead on the corner of 40^th and Baltimore.)

Here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above).  All of your insights have been so helpful so far…We’re fairly certain We shall be able to train Chesty Cough to blow smoke rings and shoot ping pong balls through the centers of them by the time Scorpio rolls around:

It is difficult to believe that it was only a few short weeks ago that HimSelf was named Groovy Reader of the Month over at Deep Dish:  http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html

We are inordinately pleased with Ourself that, in the mdist of Our affliction, We managed to do two loads of laundry and run the dishwasher.  Which We have just finished emptying.  And YOU.  Are There. (Kiss Us quick, we’re Walter Cronkite.)

Here’s the HorrorScope:

You’ve got to find people you can get along with (See, in Our head, Barbra Streisand is now singing, “People….Soylent Green is people…”.   Speaking of Barbra Streisand (We’ll take Old Gay People Phrases for $500, Alex), We just saw a trailer for a fillum in which she plays Seth Rogen’s mother, who is driving cross-country with him.  It is called The Guilt Trip, no, We’re not making that up, and way to shoot for relevance, Babs.)

— though that could just mean your friends and family. (Did We stumble into an AT&T commercial?  Do We suddenly have corporate sponsorship?)

It’s important for everyone to be on the same page today, (Said one Republican congressman to another.)

so communication is essential.  (What about excommunication?)

Today some important people will be paying attention to you. (We can virtually guarantee you that absolutely nothing of the kind will be happening.  Unless We have some sort of stroke and take off all of Our clothes at the Ack-A-Me.)

Are you ready? (Yes, I’m ready.)

(Oh, is that song stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

Whenever the bright spotlight is aimed right at you, it’s important to take your time. (Is there such a thing as a dim spotlight?  We’re pretty sure not.)

Plan your actions ahead. (Yeah, the technical term in the biz would be “rehearse”.  You asshatted asshat who’s wearing her ass as a hat.)

Knowing that eyes are on you (Is kind of creepy, actually.)

might get your nerves pulsing, (So might Chesty Cough, at least for SOME of Our readers.)

but don’t try to rush ahead and show them something just for the sake of showing them something.  (We would make a “Burlesque” joke here, but We’re pretty sure that having Barbra Streisand and Cher in the same horoscope would make Us gayer than Liberace’s poodle’s merkin.)

You’ve got to impress them with a true display of what you can do. (How ‘bout a true display of WHO We can do?)

The pressure may be on, (In Our right ear, anyway.)

 but you can excel under it.  (Okay, We’ve drawn a blank on that one…audience participation?)

You’ve got both innovative thinking and great follow-through right now. (Obviously We’re about to play golf on Uranus.)

(How do We do it?  We have no idea.)

So how will you use these stellar qualities when it comes to your love life? (Sparingly, apparently.)

Get something started — and then keep it going.  (Way to be specific.  Bitch.)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Science fiction double feature

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WhinesDay, September 26, 2012.  Welcome to Pray For Death Day Three, otherwise known as James Caviezel’s birthday.  James Caviezel, for those who are unenlightened (much as We Our Own Self Personally were until just a moment ago), played Jesus H. Christ in Mel Gibson’s S&M flick, The Passion of the Christ. We Our Own Self Personally played Jesus H. Christ in The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game. James Caviezel no doubt made more money than We did, but We had more fun.

All around the mulberry bush, the monkey James Caviezel…

Oh, you know you were singing it too…

Speaking of death, Our InterNetz tell Us that Andy Williams just died.  We were pretty sure he was already dead.  We, meanwhile, are not actually Praying For Death as fervently as We might, because, despite the sweet release it would provide from this bubonic-plague-like ailment with which We are currently afflicted, We would be embarrassed to have Our body discovered in a house as filthy as Ours currently is.  So We suppose We shall have to live.

Sigh.

Meanwhile, if We have to be so deathly ill, is it too much to ask that we should lose Our appetite at the same time? Gawd forbid We should lose a pound or two for Our troubles.

In other news, having already been forced to miss Heather Locklear’s birthday festivities this week, today We shall be forced to give Olivia Newton-John’s shindig a miss.  Sigh.

(All of Our str8 boi readers are desperately trying to create a euphemism out of “Olivia Newton-John’s shindig”.  Let me hear your body talk, your body talk.)

Here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above).  All of your insights have been so helpful so far, much like Mitt Rmoney’s Open Window Policy for airplanes and submarines:

It is difficult to believe that it was only a few short weeks ago that HimSelf was named Groovy Reader of the Month over at Deep Dish:  http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html

Here’s the HorrorScope:

You need to take control of a new situation, and make sure that everyone involved knows what’s expected of them. (Yeah, okay, that right there?  Way more energy than We have at Our disposal.  We’re gonna need to pencil that in for, say, early next week.  Mmmmkay?)

Your organizational skills might be rusty, (Possibly even gangrenous.)

but you can still get it done.  (Whence came “gangrenous”?  We’ve no idea.  (Although We were about to start a riff on “gangrenous” in Frawnch, i.e “gangre-nous”, but We thought better of it.  (You’re welcome.))  Perhaps, instead of quasi-coherent sentences, We should just begin making a list of all the words We know…)

aardvark

alabaster

Anabaptist

aqueduct

assimilate

attaché

awake

aware

aye

azure

(This is no fun.)

It’s the perfect time for you to organize a group outing (Fine.  The Boy Scouts?  Are gay.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

or party, (‘Cause tonight We’re gonna party like it’s nineteen twenty-nine.)

and you won’t need any excuse to get your people together. (Okay, do you even listen to yourself when you talk, you asshatted asshat who’s wearing her ass as a hat?  If We’ve organized a group outing or party, that IS Our excuse for getting “Our people” together.  Jeebus.)

Everyone’s feeling fine and in the mood to let loose with the laughter and have a good time. (Good.  Then they can all go to Olivia Newton-John’s shindig without Us.)

Why not figure out a way to get all your different social circles intertwined together?  (Because that sounds like absolute hell on earth?  Just a thought.)

Having all of your worlds collide (Said George Powell to his bride, “I’m gonna give you some terrible thrills.”)

doesn’t have to be stressful at all. (Not for you, maybe.  It’s OUR  worlds you’ve got colliding.  Bitch.)

After all, everyone has something in common — they adore you!   (We’ll have what she’s having.)

Get them talking about you and all will be fine.  (We can just imagine.)

Staying firmly in touch with your personal values now means you’re that much closer to attaining a certain romantic goal.  (Oh, please.  If you could see Us right now, the last thing you would imagine would be Us “attaining a romantic goal”.)

A long talk with a friend about what you want keeps you on target. (Ready…fire…aim.)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

A person could develop a bad, bad cold

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, September 25, 2012.

Three days coming, three days with you, three days going.  We are very confused.  Sunday was definitely a “coming” day, and today it is definitely “with Us”.  We are unclear as to what yesterday was, although it’s pretty clear that this shit ain’t gonna start going away until at least tomorrow.

Sigh.

And We had so many plans for things We needed to get done after the show closed.  Sitting around watching snot fall out of Our nose was, oddly, not on the list.  What a waste of a week.

Our apologies to Heather Locklear, but We are fairly sure you wouldn’t want Us to show up to your birthday festivities in Our current condition.

Meanwhile, from the No ‘Tard Left Behind Department, Presidential Candidate and Inappropriate Spray Tanner Mitt Rmoney doesn’t know why you can’t open the windows on  an airplane.  Is it just Us, or is this assclown starting to make Dumbya look smart?

Because We clearly have nothing, here are some tweets from Twatter:

Masturbating while looking in a mirror isn't wrong unless it's the rearview mirror and you're driving a school bus.

I wish babies would stop saying "hi" to me while in the checkout line.  I don't fucking know you.  Don't talk to me.

Your neck tattoo says "Only God can judge me", yet here I am.

Remember, if you're attractive, it's called persistence.  If you're ugly, it's called being a stalker.

It would be nice if people with lazy eyes would put a Post-It on the one they want me to look at when we're talking.

The best way to prepare Brussels sprouts is to throw them in the trash while ordering a delicious pizza.

You don't have to break my  heart to make me cry.  Just put me in Home Depot and tell me to find an air filter.

Here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above).  All of your insights have been so helpful so far, much like Helen Keller in an air traffic control tower.

It is difficult to believe that it was only three short weeks ago that HimSelf was named Groovy Reader of the Month over at Deep Dish:  http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Your leadership is rarely in question, and today shows why that’s the case.  (Because We’re all alone in OurHouseWhereWeLive?)

You take the reins at work or at home in a way that shows everyone concerned what’s what.   (Wait…We’re on a horse? Are We Isaiah Mustafa?)

Don’t look back!  (Or down.  Or in the basement.)

The future belongs to people who think for themselves, (That’s what YOU think.)

(Heh.)

so where does that leave you? (In bed, hopefully.)

Being a part of the crowd is important, (Ve vant to be alone.)

and you certainly don’t want to create tension among your people. (If We have so many damn people, why can’t one of ‘em be sick for Us?)

But when you start agreeing to things that you don’t actually believe in, that’s too far over the line. (One toke over the line, Sweet Jeebus…)

Today, you have to hold on to your convictions and keep your individuality.  (That sounds like a lot of work.  Can We do it tomorrow?  Or, preferably, next week?)

If other people react poorly to your opinions or disagreement, then that’s their problem to solve — not yours.  (Good.)

Make a few plans today.  (Perhaps We shall start in on next week’s social calendar.  Assuming, of course, that We live that long.)

You could bake a cheesecake (In what universe?)

or you could ask that good-looking stranger to grow old with you. (Yeah.  Because that’s a pick-up line that’ll work.)

You pick!  (You suck!)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.